Unintentional "date" with my xabf
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Unintentional "date" with my xabf
So about a month and a half ago my ex had mentioned to me a special showing of one of my favorite movies at our local dollar movie theater. Honestly, when he had originally texted me about this I thought he had been drinking and would have forgotten.
So, I had gone and purchased 3 tickets. One for me and two for my daughters...
He and I ended up talking on the phone a bit yesterday; it was a really good conversation. We've never really fought and have always been sweet and nonjudgmental with each other so all of the break up emotions tended to come up as kindness instead of hurt in this conversation.
Anyway, he reminds me of this movie. I was shocked he remembered. I said,"oh yeah, I got me and the girls tickets already."
He giggles... "really? Because I got my ticket already too!"
Omg.... He said the same thing I said "I thought you forgot about it."
We just laughed. Just more serendipitous stuff that has always happened between us.
Now, I could have told my kids never mind, or had awkwardly asked him not to go, but I decided to just roll with it. My daughters are excited to see him; they are happy that we are "friends".
I am nervous to see him, hug him, smell him... A huge part of me misses him! But I am going to stick to my guns about the breakup! I have to for sooooo many reasons!
He told me about telling his family recently that he is an alcoholic. He also reached out to his friends when he was vacationing with them for a few weeks recently. He did say it's only been 3 days, but that he isn't going to give up. He also seems to understand the amount of time he is going to need to deal with this and that he just hopes that somehow we'll come back together. He was talking a few years from now. I have to admit that was refreshing!
Anyway, no backsliding for me! I have been talking the talk and now it's time to walk the walk! If I end up feeling too close to the situation I will make adjustments from there. But for now, it feels healthy to be able to remain friends.
And he'll be sober tonight. That I know...
Wish me luck!
So, I had gone and purchased 3 tickets. One for me and two for my daughters...
He and I ended up talking on the phone a bit yesterday; it was a really good conversation. We've never really fought and have always been sweet and nonjudgmental with each other so all of the break up emotions tended to come up as kindness instead of hurt in this conversation.
Anyway, he reminds me of this movie. I was shocked he remembered. I said,"oh yeah, I got me and the girls tickets already."
He giggles... "really? Because I got my ticket already too!"
Omg.... He said the same thing I said "I thought you forgot about it."
We just laughed. Just more serendipitous stuff that has always happened between us.
Now, I could have told my kids never mind, or had awkwardly asked him not to go, but I decided to just roll with it. My daughters are excited to see him; they are happy that we are "friends".
I am nervous to see him, hug him, smell him... A huge part of me misses him! But I am going to stick to my guns about the breakup! I have to for sooooo many reasons!
He told me about telling his family recently that he is an alcoholic. He also reached out to his friends when he was vacationing with them for a few weeks recently. He did say it's only been 3 days, but that he isn't going to give up. He also seems to understand the amount of time he is going to need to deal with this and that he just hopes that somehow we'll come back together. He was talking a few years from now. I have to admit that was refreshing!
Anyway, no backsliding for me! I have been talking the talk and now it's time to walk the walk! If I end up feeling too close to the situation I will make adjustments from there. But for now, it feels healthy to be able to remain friends.
And he'll be sober tonight. That I know...
Wish me luck!
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I hate to rain on the parade, but...your giddiness at seeing him again really comes through in your post. You are already fantasizing about smelling him, hugging him. You're calling it a date. You say you aren't getting back with him, but...you also sound on the verge of doing so. Keep in mind that three days is not even really recovery, just a few days without drinking. One thing that helped me to stay broken up with my AXBF was to write a list of all the unacceptable things he did over the course of our relationship and read it whenever I felt weak. Maybe you could try this?
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There is nothing unintentional about ending up talking on the phone or planning to attend a movie together. And I’m assuming together as you have already told your children he will be there and you are feeling “nervious” and obviously excited.
Keep in mind that alcohol is an alcoholics trigger, drugs are a drug addicts trigger and relationships are a co-dependents trigger.
[QUOTE]He also seems to understand the amount of time he is going to need to deal with this and that he just hopes that somehow we'll come back together. He was talking a few years from now. I have to admit that was refreshing!
/QUOTE]
Just like an alcoholic can't have just one beer - a codpendent can't just have one date -especialy when it's with an ex.
Just saying…..
If you are not over this guy and strong in your own recovery then going out with him/ meeting up with him/ whatever words you use to describe it will only make you relapse and with him just 3 days of not consuming alcohol hurt, heartache and disappointment are just a stone throw away.
Keep in mind that alcohol is an alcoholics trigger, drugs are a drug addicts trigger and relationships are a co-dependents trigger.
[QUOTE]He also seems to understand the amount of time he is going to need to deal with this and that he just hopes that somehow we'll come back together. He was talking a few years from now. I have to admit that was refreshing!
/QUOTE]
Just like an alcoholic can't have just one beer - a codpendent can't just have one date -especialy when it's with an ex.
Just saying…..
If you are not over this guy and strong in your own recovery then going out with him/ meeting up with him/ whatever words you use to describe it will only make you relapse and with him just 3 days of not consuming alcohol hurt, heartache and disappointment are just a stone throw away.
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Best of luck for a smooth night.
I have done things with my kids and my ex. My ex has actually stayed at my house to see the kids (which was crazy hard because his anxiety goes through the roof and being around someone with that much anxiety is difficult). The difference - no desire to hug him or smell him and date was not a word that entered my mind. Some of those early times were filled with a deep sadness but no desire to get back together. It is nice to give the kids some experiences that are not bad - just be solid in your head about what is going on.
I have done things with my kids and my ex. My ex has actually stayed at my house to see the kids (which was crazy hard because his anxiety goes through the roof and being around someone with that much anxiety is difficult). The difference - no desire to hug him or smell him and date was not a word that entered my mind. Some of those early times were filled with a deep sadness but no desire to get back together. It is nice to give the kids some experiences that are not bad - just be solid in your head about what is going on.
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Yeah, it'll be difficult. I expected lots of scepticism here and that's okay.
I wasn't calling it a date, to be fair, I was making my title a play on words with a "quote/unquote" to show the looseness of the word "date".
And giddy? Um... Nervous. I am nervous. I do feel pretty strong though. I understand all of the codependency weaknesses about going back into bad relationships, being unable to keep and enforce personal boundaries, or how the relationship might have acted like an addiction. But at this point in my life, this is nothing new to me so I feel confident that I am further along the road to self recovery than I might ha e been say... four years ago. And, the truth is that I love him dearly. I didn't leave because of a series of abusive behaviors (there were none); I left because I know his drinking is unhealthy and dangerous and it's not the life I want.
And while he is doing whatever he is doing, he'll either find me at the end of the tunnel, or be won't... But I'll be making sure to continue to adjust and grow for myself. I have no clue where that will land me in the future, an honestly, I am willing to give up my relationship with him to get there. The ball is in his court as to whether he'll come with me or not. I'm not worrying about it. I imagine that if he keeps drinking, that over time I will simply get farther and farther away from him emotionally. Seems pretty simple to me.
As for tonight, my job, for me, is to keep personal boundaries, stay positive, enjoy the movie, and be able to execute leaving if I feel I need to. It's really okay...
And the smelling thing. Smell carries the most powerful trigger for memories. Since I left him before it got all crazy, the memories I have are mostly good. I do keep a list of all the things that bothered me in our relationship, however. Maybe it'd be a good idea to go over it a few times before I go to the movie.
I wasn't calling it a date, to be fair, I was making my title a play on words with a "quote/unquote" to show the looseness of the word "date".
And giddy? Um... Nervous. I am nervous. I do feel pretty strong though. I understand all of the codependency weaknesses about going back into bad relationships, being unable to keep and enforce personal boundaries, or how the relationship might have acted like an addiction. But at this point in my life, this is nothing new to me so I feel confident that I am further along the road to self recovery than I might ha e been say... four years ago. And, the truth is that I love him dearly. I didn't leave because of a series of abusive behaviors (there were none); I left because I know his drinking is unhealthy and dangerous and it's not the life I want.
And while he is doing whatever he is doing, he'll either find me at the end of the tunnel, or be won't... But I'll be making sure to continue to adjust and grow for myself. I have no clue where that will land me in the future, an honestly, I am willing to give up my relationship with him to get there. The ball is in his court as to whether he'll come with me or not. I'm not worrying about it. I imagine that if he keeps drinking, that over time I will simply get farther and farther away from him emotionally. Seems pretty simple to me.
As for tonight, my job, for me, is to keep personal boundaries, stay positive, enjoy the movie, and be able to execute leaving if I feel I need to. It's really okay...
And the smelling thing. Smell carries the most powerful trigger for memories. Since I left him before it got all crazy, the memories I have are mostly good. I do keep a list of all the things that bothered me in our relationship, however. Maybe it'd be a good idea to go over it a few times before I go to the movie.
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Have fun HMA, enjoy the movie, I know that kids will be happy that you are together.
I am one who would takes 2 steps forward, get with my addiction and then 3 steps back. They are our addiction and we must not touch!!!!
I am one who would takes 2 steps forward, get with my addiction and then 3 steps back. They are our addiction and we must not touch!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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HMA, I do hope it will go smoothly for you! It sounds like you're having a hard time remembering what drove you away. I remember how deeply my denial ran with my last AXBF (the last in a series, I'm a slow learner!). I remember when I wrote that list of things he had lied about and bad situations he had led me into, it actually took me a few sittings because I would forget about things and then remember them later. I'm pretty good at pushing things out of my head that make me uncomfortable! Maybe it would help to look back at your old posts? I took a peek, and what stood out to me was the incident where he got drunk and shot off a gun at his house and his roommate called you to come deal with him, and you found him being beaten nearly to death by another roommate. That must have been very difficult for you!
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jjj, oh yes! That incident traumatized me! But the involvement of alcohol wasn't what led to the gun going off. It slipped off his bed and And as an "accidental" discharge. But he was drinking and so he had severely poor judgement. The traumatizing part was seeing him get beaten. And IMO, alcohol was involved because of his bad judgement, his inability to fight back because he had had too much to drink, the type of house he was living with (a party house), and the dude who assaulted him was high and drunk. That's all still alcohol isn't it?
And because of the alcohol, he could have lost his military career over it. They even made him give a speech about gun safety and alcohol in front of about 500 people. But the judge threw out the charge because the investigation held true to his story: unintentional discharge. Even the officers taking the report knew that that particular gun had issues with the safety feature.
Anyway, no matter how that story unfolded, alcohol was still involved and that did have to do with my decision to leave.
And tonight happened unintentionally. I could change it, but I feel strong enough to keep positive boundaries and I see no reason not to go at this point. Maybe in the future I will feel the need to change it. And that's okay.
Also, I never went NC. I don't feel the need to. I don't sit and contact him constantly and he doesn't do that to me or try to draw me in. And he isnt violent, so no worries there either.
Mark my words, if I ever feel the need to go NC, I will. Right now, there is peace, and I'm okay with that.
The reminders of why I left will help guide me tonight so that I keep that resolve. Right now, I think I can do it. Nervous, but strong.
Meh... it's okay. I know what everyone is telling me. Just needed a bit of "don't cave and good luck!" is all....
I will let you all know how it went! ;-)
And because of the alcohol, he could have lost his military career over it. They even made him give a speech about gun safety and alcohol in front of about 500 people. But the judge threw out the charge because the investigation held true to his story: unintentional discharge. Even the officers taking the report knew that that particular gun had issues with the safety feature.
Anyway, no matter how that story unfolded, alcohol was still involved and that did have to do with my decision to leave.
And tonight happened unintentionally. I could change it, but I feel strong enough to keep positive boundaries and I see no reason not to go at this point. Maybe in the future I will feel the need to change it. And that's okay.
Also, I never went NC. I don't feel the need to. I don't sit and contact him constantly and he doesn't do that to me or try to draw me in. And he isnt violent, so no worries there either.
Mark my words, if I ever feel the need to go NC, I will. Right now, there is peace, and I'm okay with that.
The reminders of why I left will help guide me tonight so that I keep that resolve. Right now, I think I can do it. Nervous, but strong.
Meh... it's okay. I know what everyone is telling me. Just needed a bit of "don't cave and good luck!" is all....
I will let you all know how it went! ;-)
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When I was in my 20s, 15 years ago now, I fell in love with a man with a serious drinking problem. He was never violent toward me, but he led me into some very violent situations. I remember one time I was at his place and one of his drinking buddies was angry with him and showed up banging at his front door, and my AXBF refused to open the door because the drinking buddy was known to carry a gun. It was terrifying. I guess in a sense it wasn't directly his fault. He wasn't the one with a gun. But he had terrible taste in friends and it put me in danger several times during our relationship. I think he enjoyed the drama. I guess maybe I got a thrill out of it, too. These days I prefer my peace and quiet. 
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Jjj, YES! That's about the gist of how I felt too... What in the world was I doing habgig out in that house as a mother? As a preschool teacher? Not my idea of a grown up situation...
Anyway... The movie was fun! No drama. The theater was packed and everyone laughed and had a good time.
Now, to be completely honest. The fact that it was good is what the problem actually is so that I don't cave. I hugged him. Tight. He hugged me back. Tight. And he kissed my forehead. It was hard. After the movie we just chatted shortly and said 'I miss you', and have a good night. And he left pretty quickly; I'm sure he was nervous too...
I think I did okay. I still feel alright. The same feelings that have been lingering with me are still lingering and I expect that with any breakup. My daughters sat between us. They were glad to see him (they aren't his kids, btw).
For now, it's all okay. I am still happy to have been strong enough to break up with him and stick to my guns that his drinking is not okay.
We'll see how I feel in a few days....
Thanx for all the support and words of wisdom everyone!
Anyway... The movie was fun! No drama. The theater was packed and everyone laughed and had a good time.
Now, to be completely honest. The fact that it was good is what the problem actually is so that I don't cave. I hugged him. Tight. He hugged me back. Tight. And he kissed my forehead. It was hard. After the movie we just chatted shortly and said 'I miss you', and have a good night. And he left pretty quickly; I'm sure he was nervous too...
I think I did okay. I still feel alright. The same feelings that have been lingering with me are still lingering and I expect that with any breakup. My daughters sat between us. They were glad to see him (they aren't his kids, btw).
For now, it's all okay. I am still happy to have been strong enough to break up with him and stick to my guns that his drinking is not okay.
We'll see how I feel in a few days....
Thanx for all the support and words of wisdom everyone!
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