Soo...Continuing with the New Meg
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Soo...Continuing with the New Meg
I was wondering what everyone thought about this.
In looking back at my first alanon meeting, I remember that even though I liked the meeting and all, I had a hard time swallowing the topic. This group was working on the 9th (?) step about making amends.
I remember thinking, are you kidding me? making amends? I have nothing to apologize for, not now, not ever. In fact, I think I posted about it. I really hated it. I respected it, but too bad the meeting that was 100% convenient for me had to be on the making amends step.
Anyway, I'm smart enough to know that if something creates that much of a emotional charge for me, it probably means something pretty significant.
Lately, I have been thinking about it more. My part. It's a very convaluted thought process because when I think about "my" part I just keep coming back to what a piece of crap my ex is and how I have NO part.
But I'm realizing that I kind of treat people the way I treated my ex.
More specifically, the Applebee guy.. I said things to him that were very blunt. A close friend of mine told me that I was kind of mean.
That is when I started realizing that the way I spoke to Applebee was how I spoke to my ex - which I guess means no matter how much of an A he was, that does not give me the right to talk to another human being drinking or not, like a dog. Or does it. I really have a hard time with respecting the ex.
I guess my point is lately I have been hanging around the idea that I have tons of character defects that I have to take responsibility for and own as mine. And do something about them.
In looking back at my first alanon meeting, I remember that even though I liked the meeting and all, I had a hard time swallowing the topic. This group was working on the 9th (?) step about making amends.
I remember thinking, are you kidding me? making amends? I have nothing to apologize for, not now, not ever. In fact, I think I posted about it. I really hated it. I respected it, but too bad the meeting that was 100% convenient for me had to be on the making amends step.
Anyway, I'm smart enough to know that if something creates that much of a emotional charge for me, it probably means something pretty significant.
Lately, I have been thinking about it more. My part. It's a very convaluted thought process because when I think about "my" part I just keep coming back to what a piece of crap my ex is and how I have NO part.
But I'm realizing that I kind of treat people the way I treated my ex.
More specifically, the Applebee guy.. I said things to him that were very blunt. A close friend of mine told me that I was kind of mean.
That is when I started realizing that the way I spoke to Applebee was how I spoke to my ex - which I guess means no matter how much of an A he was, that does not give me the right to talk to another human being drinking or not, like a dog. Or does it. I really have a hard time with respecting the ex.
I guess my point is lately I have been hanging around the idea that I have tons of character defects that I have to take responsibility for and own as mine. And do something about them.
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I remember thinking, are you kidding me? making amends? I have nothing to apologize for, not now, not ever.
Pretty sure I had the exact same thoughts. Yep. It was everyone else who needed to apologize to ME. After everything I put up with from them, how did I owe anyone an apology?
And that's the convoluted part. The confusing part. Once I broke that down and examined the "I put up with" part, that was where I found my amends, my flaws, my disease.
My mom was one who "got rid of her problem"- namely my alcoholic father. Then turned her codependent attention onto me and my brother. I have 2 sons and I didn't want that to be me. So I went to Alanon. Worked the steps.
My character defects haven't disappeared entirely (stupid progress not perfection, lol). Just this morning I had a rage moment with DS13. But they grow less pronounced as I become aware of them and willing to make amends, even to people who probably owe me amends.
Great post Meggem. I remember that exact feeling. I also remember how freeing that inventory and subsequent amends felt. How letting go of the old resentments and guilt has allowed me to start living the life I want.
Thanks.
Pretty sure I had the exact same thoughts. Yep. It was everyone else who needed to apologize to ME. After everything I put up with from them, how did I owe anyone an apology?
And that's the convoluted part. The confusing part. Once I broke that down and examined the "I put up with" part, that was where I found my amends, my flaws, my disease.
My mom was one who "got rid of her problem"- namely my alcoholic father. Then turned her codependent attention onto me and my brother. I have 2 sons and I didn't want that to be me. So I went to Alanon. Worked the steps.
My character defects haven't disappeared entirely (stupid progress not perfection, lol). Just this morning I had a rage moment with DS13. But they grow less pronounced as I become aware of them and willing to make amends, even to people who probably owe me amends.
Great post Meggem. I remember that exact feeling. I also remember how freeing that inventory and subsequent amends felt. How letting go of the old resentments and guilt has allowed me to start living the life I want.
Thanks.
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Originally Posted by meggem 
I remember thinking, are you kidding me? making amends? I have nothing to apologize for, not now, not ever.
It was humbling to see the error of my thought process, but I'm glad I swallowed my pride & came back to the theory after I'd had some time to marinate on it all. I was such an expert on passive-aggressive comments laced with judgmental tone, ugh.
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Thanks lady.. and thanks for validating my feelings.
I can remember when my A was having all kinds of life functioning issues, it started shortly after we got married.
I DOVE into it. I googled symptoms. To make a long story short, "my" version is that I was trying to do whatever I could to help. and at the time, really and truly that is where my heart was. But the truth.. it wasn't my business... It was not my business and I should stayed on my side of the street. That is my first memory of looking at my husband and thinking this is not the man I married. I knew just enough about his mental health and history to be dangerous
I "tried" very hard to get him to agree to a divorce. I wanted out for close to 2 years. Because he would not "let me" - I grew sooooooo resentful of him. I had feelings and thoughts that I'm ashamed to admit. And I can't unring the bell. It brought out the worst in me.
But that didn't give me the right to be cold and evil to him.
Ya know does anyone have any suggestions on working on my own character defects that don't have anything to do with HIM because I am really struggling. He deserves my evil :/
I can remember when my A was having all kinds of life functioning issues, it started shortly after we got married.
I DOVE into it. I googled symptoms. To make a long story short, "my" version is that I was trying to do whatever I could to help. and at the time, really and truly that is where my heart was. But the truth.. it wasn't my business... It was not my business and I should stayed on my side of the street. That is my first memory of looking at my husband and thinking this is not the man I married. I knew just enough about his mental health and history to be dangerous
I "tried" very hard to get him to agree to a divorce. I wanted out for close to 2 years. Because he would not "let me" - I grew sooooooo resentful of him. I had feelings and thoughts that I'm ashamed to admit. And I can't unring the bell. It brought out the worst in me.
But that didn't give me the right to be cold and evil to him.
Ya know does anyone have any suggestions on working on my own character defects that don't have anything to do with HIM because I am really struggling. He deserves my evil :/
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Between my father and my X, I don't have much respect for many men, or unless they seriously prove it to me over the course of a long time.
It's a learning process to see your character defects. And to remember that just b/c we don't see them as huge of a problem as we see our AH's had, we still deserve, FOR OURSELVES, to get to the bottom of it.
XXX
It's a learning process to see your character defects. And to remember that just b/c we don't see them as huge of a problem as we see our AH's had, we still deserve, FOR OURSELVES, to get to the bottom of it.
XXX
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Between my father and my X, I don't have much respect for many men, or unless they seriously prove it to me over the course of a long time.
However, now that I have been through dealing with a female AC and the nightmare life they cause, its like man.......I don't need this either. So yeah going forward, I plan to enjoy being with me first and foremost and not really trying to make square pegs fit into round holes in my life.
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There's a reason there are eight step before the ninth! It was the wrong meeting for you to attend and I hope you find a better one. The point of Alanon is recovery from my own codependency. I stopped being a victim and looked at my own part in the disastrous relationship.
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step nine comes after a lot of hard work. deep soul searching pull your own covers gut wrenching honesty kind of work. by working thru the steps in order, more is revealed. we gain a new clarity. about ourselves, about the world.
how we got to............HERE.
so worry not about amends today dear meg.....circle back to Step One.
how we got to............HERE.
so worry not about amends today dear meg.....circle back to Step One.
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Yes, but I didn't consciencely choose to work step 9, my head just kind of ended up there because of the rage I felt for my ex (refer to hot under the collar post) and a few muddy situations with people I thought were "friends"
Instead of feeling victimized, I started looking at the common demoninator. Me. I thought, this isn't a coincendence.. clearly I am accountable somewhere in the mix. I also felt my rage to be very concerning and troublesome to me. It scared me.
I decided to focus inward instead of outward. I guess with all of that said I started to gravitate to step nine thinking, maybe I am ready and this is where I am meant to be?
I have also read in different places that you don't have to work the steps in the exact order they come in.. and sometimes we bounce around, and sometimes we are on one step for a very long time.
But I know I am not ready at all to MAKE amends. I'm not at all. So I guess I am feeling a little lost in my "recovery"
I am feeling overwhelmed and confused and am not sure what I am supposed to be doing now.
Instead of feeling victimized, I started looking at the common demoninator. Me. I thought, this isn't a coincendence.. clearly I am accountable somewhere in the mix. I also felt my rage to be very concerning and troublesome to me. It scared me.
I decided to focus inward instead of outward. I guess with all of that said I started to gravitate to step nine thinking, maybe I am ready and this is where I am meant to be?
I have also read in different places that you don't have to work the steps in the exact order they come in.. and sometimes we bounce around, and sometimes we are on one step for a very long time.
But I know I am not ready at all to MAKE amends. I'm not at all. So I guess I am feeling a little lost in my "recovery"
I am feeling overwhelmed and confused and am not sure what I am supposed to be doing now.
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Anyone can make themselves accountable for anything if they try hard enough. Or they can do the opposite just as much.
"Well that car would not have hit me had I not been there at the moment they ran the red light." So you can argue that as being somewhat accountable for the outcome if you are of that mind.
Or if you were the one that ran the red light and are facing consequences you could argue, If YOUR CAR wouldn't have been there at the time I ran the red light, I would not have hit you. So some of this is your fault. Which can become the focus if you let it.
Both of these in my opinions can be cop out to responsibility issues.
I tried to take some responsibility that my ex drank. Not because I wanted to, but because she told me I was. Nobody else in my life ever needed to drink to excess and she drank to excess before meeting me. Of course she will leave that part out if we choose to let them.
So we are allowed to use some logic of right and wrong in the accountability game. No matter what Step tells you to do what. That helped ME with MY recovery a LOT!!!
We are allowed to be angry at what our AC does to our lives. Whether or not you want to dig deep to find out where your responsibility lies, is up to you. I spent months wrestling around down there. Then I set myself free of it, and the skies cleared and the sun came out again.
Your choice.
"Well that car would not have hit me had I not been there at the moment they ran the red light." So you can argue that as being somewhat accountable for the outcome if you are of that mind.
Or if you were the one that ran the red light and are facing consequences you could argue, If YOUR CAR wouldn't have been there at the time I ran the red light, I would not have hit you. So some of this is your fault. Which can become the focus if you let it.
Both of these in my opinions can be cop out to responsibility issues.
I tried to take some responsibility that my ex drank. Not because I wanted to, but because she told me I was. Nobody else in my life ever needed to drink to excess and she drank to excess before meeting me. Of course she will leave that part out if we choose to let them.
So we are allowed to use some logic of right and wrong in the accountability game. No matter what Step tells you to do what. That helped ME with MY recovery a LOT!!!
We are allowed to be angry at what our AC does to our lives. Whether or not you want to dig deep to find out where your responsibility lies, is up to you. I spent months wrestling around down there. Then I set myself free of it, and the skies cleared and the sun came out again.
Your choice.
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No I'm trying to point out that we don't have to soul search to find fault with us. If we generally have a good life outside of our AC partners dramas, then don't get hung up on trying to make their problems, our responsibility. Now if you are making bad choices in life in general, you generally will be unhappy about it and can take responsibility for those choices. I take full responsibility for allowing myself to become involved with an AC. Won't ever happen again. That is my choice. I don't need any book or class to tell me to feel differently about that. And I don't owe anyone anything else from that choice.
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I guess my point is lately I have been hanging around the idea that I have tons of character defects that I have to take responsibility for and own as mine. And do something about them.
I've been over this with two therapists -- and they're telling me to be patient with myself. Many "character defects" we develop in a dysfunctional situation are survival mechanisms -- and even when we're out of the dysfunctional situation, those may feel like those safety rings that save you from drowning. Letting go of them -- having the guts to let go of them, and not just understanding rationally, but feeling emotionally that you're safe and don't need them anymore... it takes time.
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