hummingbird358

I have posted before and I know everyone has told me to kick him out. This weekend he was drinking some. Then on Sunday I went to church and came home. I could tell he seemed a bit "off". Then lunch was done and he came out to get a plate for him and his gf. He was drunk. Walked it to his room and I heard her yell at him and then not sure what took place but he was not normal. She ended up crying and I told him to get out now and talk to us. He came out in a bit and asked when lunch was done?? I told him he already took the plates to his room and he said he didn't. I told him that maybe if he wasn't so drunk he would remember it. Well, it ended up a shouting match and I told him that I don't want him coming home from college anymore. He can stay their if he drinks. He ended up falling asleep and slept it off. Later he came out and told me about the job he was getting this week at college and that he needed some food for his room. I told him I wanted to talk to him. He started telling me that I assume he is drinking and I have no idea. He told me he only had 5 beer that morning and I knew he was lying. I was sobbing because he just is like a robot with no feeling. He actually stood there with a grin on his face seeing me cry and told me that when I get it together and stop accusing him of being a drunk then he would talk to me..... I just couldn't take it so I went to bed. I heard the gf and him leave and return later. This morning I had to run an errand at work and drove past the beer store and his car was there. I text him at said about a booze run at 9am..... He told me that there was something wrong with his car and he pulled over there..... I am not stupid.. I can't believe the girlfriend is this stupid. It turned out that there is something wrong with his car. Last night when they left in the snowstorm he ran off the back road into a ditch. He said they went to McDonalds... I checked the his phone records and he called the diner where they sell booze and that is right near McDonalds..... So again he tells me I am assuming he had booze in the car, etc. Turns out his car is most likely totalled because there is so much wrong with it.... He says he was driving slow. I told him he should not have been out due to the weather...NOTHING is ever his fault. Come home from work tonight and he walked in with the gf. I knew there was something in his coat. He left his room door open and I seen 6 bottles of beer. He drank 2 before my husband drove him to college. He was gathering his things and seems off so I confronted him and said "SO... you were not drinking just now?" I get "This is why I don't like you! You tell me I am drinking and I wasn't. You comb through my room when I leave..." I told him I don't want him home if he is going to drink.... Slams door and walks out.

Earlier that day he took his car down to my parents so my dad could look at it before taking it to the garage. My mom said she smelled booze on him. I told my son. He said that he had not brushed his teeth yet and now there is another person who thinks he is a complete f**k up....

I feel he is turning this to make us feel bad now. I feel it is the addiction trying to work our minds now.

Is my confronting him pushing him more towards drinking? I can not understand the girlfriend. When I was talking to him last night I said she was crying in the room. He denied it. I asked him to bring her out so I could talk to her and he said no.
He is so smart but he is ruining his life and I told him that.
Every time I confront him, I seem to make it worse.

ladyscribbler

Is my confronting him pushing him more towards drinking?

No, his disease is doing that. The confrontations are creating stress and drama for you and not really making any difference in his behavior. You know he is drinking. Searching for evidence and interrogating him is just opening the door for him to argue, deflect and deny.
Have you and your husband checked into attending Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings to help you deal with his drinking? There are lots of parents in my Alanon meetings and the support there is wonderful. You'll never find a more understanding group of people, because we've been in those same situations, whether with a parent, partner, child or grandchild.
Many hugs to you. Keep reading and posting.

NYCDoglvr

No. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and there is nothing you can say or do that will affect his drinking. The question is, is this acceptable behavior in your home? If it isn't what will you do about it? When you continue to allow this you're essentially saying it's ok to do. He's a blackout drinker (the reason he didn't remember getting food earlier), and as is typical of alcoholics, blames others for his drinking and behavior.

hummingbird358

yes I had gone a few years ago but got discouraged because I would break down crying and no one would offer advice. I was told they are there to listen only. I am hoping to go this Wednesday again and start back up. I feel bad for fighting before he left for college. I feel like I am pushing him away further. I am to the point where I wish something would happen. Nothing is ever his fault. He takes no responsibility for anything that happens. I told him tonight that if we have to get another car for him then he will have to take over the car payments upon graduation in December. He didn't like that at all. When he talked to me last night I swear he was treating it like a business deal. I finally said to him this is not a business deal this is a family problem! I will try those meetings again. He has no clue what he is doing to himself. I hate seeing this. He has such a promising future but it will soon be ruined. He tells me I am over reacting to his drinking.

firebolt

He is doing this all on his own, and anything that threatens his drinking will be seen as and made out to be the enemy.

All you can do it put a stop it its effect on your life and happiness. He may never think you are serious about him not drinking in your home until you have him removed from it. I'm just so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain and stress you must be going through.

LexieCat

Al-Anon will not give you "advice" but there is more to it than just people willing to "listen." There is a whole program of 12 Steps that will help you regain your strength and sanity. Those, in turn, will help you to make the right decisions FOR YOURSELF.

Hugs,

ladyscribbler

His behavior is pretty typical. Sorry you are going through this.
The purpose of Alanon is not to give advice, as you noticed, but to learn to take care of ourselves and build the strength to make and enforce boundaries. I'm glad you're giving it another try.
Unfortunately there is no "magic cure" for alcoholism anywhere. Working on you and deciding what behavior you will and will not accept is a way to help you AND your son. Though it seems counter intuitive, a lot of the things we try to do to "help" the alcoholic are really just prolonging their suffering by protecting them from the natural consequences of their behavior.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

knowthetriggers

I'm have learned and am still learning to stop wasting precious time worrying about the alcoholic. If he wants a drink he WILL drink it no matter what you are anyone else thinks. Like the posters before me mentioned....what will you do to help Yourself?

Alanon is a fantastic program. I would suggest to try a different meeting if the one you attended was not the right fit.

Good luck and keep coming back!

dandylion

hummingbird.....one of the first boundaries that I made for my son was that he could not come into our home if he was intoxicated--and, no drinking while in the home.
Of course, he didn't like that. Later, of course, I had to make even stronger boundaries with him. But, that was the start.

I never, again had to ask him if he was drinking---because I could tell if he had had even one whiff of beer. If he had---I would say "You have been drinking, but, I would love to see you when you are sober". If he tried to argue--I would say "That is not a question, it is a statement". If he continued, I would say "This is not a debate. I know what I know". It went like that.....

I am pretty sure that I recommended the article...... Addiction, Lies, and Relationships, by Floyd P. Garrett. That is what helped me the most in not taking his behaviors and the things he said so personally. That was a big turning point for me.

I agree with telling him not to come home from college if he is drinking. He is trampling on everyone else's rights and dishonoring the family.....as well as taking advantage of your parental love.
By this time, he has really learned how to push your buttons...and, deflect the attention off himself onto you. (they all do..LOL).

Believe me, I know how tough this is.

dandylion

***Getting a support group made up of parents..or at least, some other parents who have been down this road will do wonders for you

dandylion

hummingbird...have you thought about driving him to college and leaving h im there without a car? You know that he is going to drive around drunk.....
A person doesn't have to have a car at college, after all. Sure it is convenient..but, O know tons of uber successful people who couldn't afford a car in college.
If I had asked my parents to buy me a car...they would have thought that I had lost my mind...LOL!

This is just a suggestion of one more way to start setting boundaries and letting him know that mom an dad are taking this very seriously and are no longer going to go along with "his" program. (and, for your own peace of mind).

dandylion

hummingbird358

My husband took him to college tonight. My son is done with classes at 9:30 Thursday night. He already asked if someone could pick him up and I said I was not sure yet. He will have to ride the bus to classes this week or walk in the extreme cold. I am happy for that. Let him think about what happened. He was supposed to start a night job delivering papers and was not going to be coming home anymore. Now since his car is done he told the paper manager but she still wants to take him tonight to show him the job. SHe told him no one else sounded interested in it.

I have been reading up on the "blackout drinking" and I found a great article. I would love to send it to his girlfriend because it sounds exactly like what happened. I could hear her telling him to lay down and to stop. I think he was on top of the small dresser. I heard her crying. He tells me that she was not crying. I know though if I send it to her, she will tell him. I honestly don't understand her. She turned 21 in December and since then he just drinks on the weekends. I want her to see what black out drinking is caused by - drinking in excess too fast.

Hawks

You are not responsible for the drinking but you are responsible for your reaction to it.

Haranguing, nagging, spying, interference, intervening.

None of it will help.

You'll just alienate yourself from him and hand him ammunition to fire back at you.

Wanna son that hates you?

My mum knew better than to try that stuff with me, she grew up with a father that drank a lot.

She knew it just pours gas on the fire.

She never lectured me, just maintained a loving detachment, she did have a few chats, but only when I was sober, never when I'd been drinking, never.

It's not easy, but you gotta let him fall and learn from his own mistakes.

Talking to a young alcoholic is like talking to a "deaf know all"

Pretty hard to tell one of them anything.

hummingbird358

My husband took him to college tonight. My son is done with classes at 9:30 Thursday night. He already asked if someone could pick him up and I said I was not sure yet. He will have to ride the bus to classes this week or walk in the extreme cold. I am happy for that. Let him think about what happened. He was supposed to start a night job delivering papers and was not going to be coming home anymore. Now since his car is done he told the paper manager but she still wants to take him tonight to show him the job. SHe told him no one else sounded interested in it. I am in no hurry to replace the car. I told him that if we end up having to replace it because it is too costly to fix then he will assume the car payments when he graduates in December from college. Of course he feels that is awful since he needs to get on his feet first.

So if I don't pick him up Thursday, it is party night at the college. So debating is it best to bring him home but then the gf supplies him or just let him sit there and party and get him Friday.

I have been reading up on the "blackout drinking" and I found a great article. I would love to send it to his girlfriend because it sounds exactly like what happened. I could hear her telling him to lay down and to stop. I think he was on top of the small dresser. I heard her crying. He tells me that she was not crying. I know though if I send it to her, she will tell him. I honestly don't understand her. She turned 21 in December and since then he just drinks on the weekends. I want her to see what black out drinking is caused by - drinking in excess too fast. She is a nursing major so I would assume she has read about it. I know when I text her about his drinking she ignores me and does not reply.

LexieCat

Blackout drinking isn't caused by "drinking too much too fast." At least, that's not the whole story. I've never known a non-alcoholic drinker who had blackouts. And not all alcoholics get them. Understanding it doesn't prevent it from happening. And what do you expect his girlfriend to do, if you send her the article? Police him and make him not drink? She can't do that any more than you can.

His girlfriend isn't stupid, and neither are you. You ARE, however, both tolerating intolerable behavior. You can't control what she does, but you CAN control what you do. You will make yourself crazy checking his phone, counting bottles, trying to figure out what he's up to.

And here's something else to consider. If this is how he behaves at HOME, you can bet he's drinking at college, too. Is he responsible for paying his own student loans, or is he partying on YOUR money?

Your confronting him most likely isn't making him drink more than he would otherwise--his drinking will progress regardless of what you do, but these confrontations seem to be making YOU sick.

This only has to go on as long as you allow it to. I hope you will go back to Al-Anon, and consider seriously what you hear there about what will, and won't, help your situation.

ladyscribbler

The girlfriend has no more control over his behavior than you do. If she wants to know something she is capable of doing her own research. I know I used to get upset when my ex's mom tried to tell me how I needed to "manage" him.
What you are doing is triangulating, communicating to your son via a third party (his gf), hoping that he will get the message from her since he ignores it coming from you.
It doesn't work and it only feeds the dysfunction surrounding your son's alcoholism.

dandylion

hummingbird....If I were you, I would not send the article to the girlfriend. I would just detach from her.

dandylion

knowthetriggers

Hummingbird...you are getting some really solid advice here.

hummingbird358

My husband came home and said my son talked most of the way to college. This is unusual because he rarely opens up to my husband. My husband talked about the car and how we can't afford to keep fixing things. He reminded him about how since he is 20 he can have no alcohol in his blood if he gets stopped by the police,etc. Then my husband brought up about how I didn't do what I wanted in life (something my son knows and he has told me it really hurts him that my dad persuaded me from doing what I wanted in life) and that he wants my son to pursue his dream of moving, etc. With that my son said he had to stop talking. He was getting an anxiety attach. (this happened before when talking about me and that I didn't do what I wanted with my life). Once it passed they spoke again. My son did say something about me and my husband told him that I love him to death and that I just want the best for him. The shocker here is that before my husband left his apartment my son went over to him and allowed my husband to hug him. Something that never happened before. Not sure how to take that. I will be going on Wednesday to alanon. Thank you so much for you help and advice.

hummingbird358

Lexie, my son does well at college. He will be graduating a yr and half early with a dual major. He took 6 classes over winter break and did well in each one. He is amazing at school work. He has student loans that will need to be paid back. My parents and us have contributed to some of his college expenses but he will owe some towards it when finished. I do not give him spending money anymore. He got money for Christmas from us and my parents but I have not given him any since.

LexieCat

That's good--I'm glad you aren't spending your hard-earned money his way to support his education. I have a feeling he is going to have trouble in the employment department once he graduates, but that will be his problem. Or it should be.

The anxiety over YOUR missed opportunity seems very odd. Has he ever seen a mental health professional?