steviewonder69

Hi,

I recently hit 3 years without a drink and I've been thinking about drinking again. The problem is I know if I have even one drink I'll just want to get absolutely wasted. I think I romanticising drinking and forgetting all the dangerous negative behaviour. I just get really sick of being alive and I don't know why I bother I find no life no longer has any highs or excitement. I'm constantly battling very deep suicidal depression, it tends to go in cycles from I'm just unhappy to I want to jump in front of a train. I keep thinking about taking speed, weed, LSD, mushrooms and XTC all of which I gave up a long time ago. Anyway I'm not sure why I'm posting here or what I'm hoping to attain by doing so but I guess I thought I'd try and see?

Dee74

Welcome Stevie

You'll find a lot of support here - it's a great group. Congrats on the 3 years too.

Have you seen anyone professionally about your depression at all?

D

IOAA2

Hi.
Congratulations with accomplishing 3 years without drinking. In an alcoholics world that’s an accomplishment as the majority don’t seem to make it 1 year.
THINKING about drinking is common because we are alcoholics, the big thing is to not carry through with the thoughts.
Have you thought of the horrible idea of going to AA meetingS? There we learn from people who understand us how to live a comfortable life and work on the reasons we drank. It’s a process of work and change which has helped millions.

Reading a lot of posts on this site is very helpful as well, a lot of sober thinking here.

BE WELL

Nowsthetime

You are here to vent and to verbalized thoughts that you know are negative. Good job coming here before doing anything. Are you familiar with AVRT? I send you good vibes and I'm glad you came here first.

doggonecarl

Sorry you can't find a spark in your sober life. Are you seeing anyone for the depression, medical or professional?

Yankees2015

Stevie - so impressed with the three years (I'm not even close to that and in awe of folks like you that have gotten to that point). Stay on this site for support and good luck!!

Dee74

If you're feeling in danger you could do worse than have a look through this site and bookmark the number Stevie

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.o...elf-harm/index

some good reading and international resources here too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

steviewonder69

Wow thanks. I guess three years ago going a week without was so far from being an option, so I guess I should just take stock of what I have achieved. I tend to minimise success and focus on anything I fail at so I often forget the positive things I have done. I think I'm just hsving a bad day sitting at homr on a Saturday night by myself. It's no wonder I'd rather be working. I've been to several pschologist/psychiatrists I think I got something out of it. Been to NA not my sort of thing I tend to dislike any established systems such as that, I think because I was forced to go to church as a kid.

Dee74

If your depression is that severe I'd really urge you to consider seeing a Dr, Stevie.

It's your call of course - but from your first post it sounds like there's something more than just a bad day or boredom at play here?

D

IOAA2

Steve you’re not a kid any longer and this is very serious stuff, this is what I meant as work and change. It’s not always easy and things we do that we don’t like often is an accomplishment also.

BE WELL

steviewonder69

Yeah but by not drinking don't you all feel like life is missing the excitement and thrill of danger it used to have. Now I know if I go out (which I rarely do because it's pointless and boring) I'll be home long before it's light. Anyway I'm not saying I want to drink because I don't but I guess I miss the excitement, life just seems like one big dull church service and I cant wait for it be over.

doggonecarl

Not at all.

Sorry you see life as dull, boring, without excitment. It's all a matter of perception. Your perception. Change your perception, your outlook on life will change. With that said, excitment is over-rated. Life, in its broadest sense cannot be a source of excitment. Not all the time. That's what a ride at an amusement park is for. Life if for living. Find fulfillment in it, not thrills.

Niamh

Congratulations on 3 yrs. You have achieved so much. I too dwell on the negative. I have taken to writing a brief list of all I have accomplished every once in awhile. Just a scrap of paper listing good stuff real quick. It readjusts my brain. My life is much more exciting to me now, because I can actually live it. I am dealing with long term withdrawal symptoms now. That gets me down. But I started doing some new activities. That has helped. I want you to live.

biminiblue

I know for myself I need some kind of excitement, so I understand.

I took up scuba diving. In my younger years it was skydiving. I've done white water rafting, kayaking/canoeing, backpacking, and long touring bicycle rides too. How about running? There are lots of running groups no matter where you live.

Find something that you can get excited about. I don't know if you live near the coast... Even snorkeling or kayaking or fishing can give you something beautiful to look forward to, and when you take classes in new things you meet new people which is great!

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, steviewonder, and congratulations on three years of sobriety; well done!!!!!!

I echo what the others have said about seeing a doctor for help with your depression.

I have found sobriety to be the opposite of boring; I have found it to be wonderfully real, true, refreshing and satisfying.

One thing that I have found is that volunteering brings me 'out of myself' - changes and broadens my perspectives, and allows me to step back and look at my life with new 'eyes'. Spending even a hour a week or a month at a soup kitchen, women's or men's shelter, or nursing home can be life changing.

Really glad you found SR.

Soberwolf

Welcome nice to meet you Steviewonder

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Stevie!!

Dee74

I love my life now - but I had to build it up from the ground. All of my life I'd looking for my fun, relaxation and comfort from a bottle or a drug.

Sitting in front of my TV was fine for a drunk but pretty deadly boring for a sober guy.

I had to learn how normal people had fun, dealt with stress, and basically day in day out *lived* while being straight - and although it took me a while I did.

I love life and I love myself - I could never say that in all the years of drinking

It's a long haul Stevie - but it's worth it

D

least

When I was drinking, there was no thrill or excitement. It was the same dull routine: drink, pass out, wake up feeling awful.

Now that I'm sober I'm loving my life. It might be a little boring at times but I'd rather have boredom than chaos.

Notmyrealname

My zeal for danger faded sometime in my thirties, I think it was part hormonal and part acceptance of my status as sole benefactor and protector of my daughter. It is only I who stand between her and the whirling winds of chaos. So no more jumping out of perfectly good airplanes!

Also drinking isn't exciting to me, it's just kind of sloppy followed by the next morning's physical discomfort. Some of the hallucinogenics have some appeal but it's kind of not worth the effort of going out of my way, and I'm pretty happy except for hating my job (and that could be much worse).. why rock the boat?