OnMyWay7

So it’s not that “I want to drink” it’s just that “I don’t want to feel emotions anymore” thank you. Our family had a really rough year last year health wise and all the issues with our 15 year marriage were heightened and I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I stopped drinking when my liver enzymes came back high because I don’t want to die but found that I can’t seem to “act like I’m supposed to” anymore. Can’t make believe everything is okay etc. I’m in therapy, taking antidepressants but the side effects are bugging me so I haven’t taken them for a few days and I’m getting depressed again. Now I’m struggling with should I go back on them or is it better to just feel my emotions and get it the heck over with. My SO has been depressed for many years, has a bad temper and as a whole is very critical and negative. I don’t know if I should stay in this relationship because we have 4 kids on the younger side and she says she still loves me very much and is willing to change (now that I've said I'm pretty much done) so I am extremely torn. And now my SO is really trying to change and I'm scared of beliving that it will get better and don't know if it will get better enough. ugh

Anyway – what I’m scared about is having all these emotions. Don't want the kids to see me "fall apart." Afraid that I’ll use just so I don’t have to feel anymore. Did this happen to others when they stopped drinking? That when they thought they were a little unhappy realized they were like really unhappy. Sometimes it feels like I’m going to have to tear my family apart so that I don’t feel like drinking anymore.

Advice welcome please.

Soberwolf

Sorry you feel like this TeeBee spk to your Dr about the Antid's missing some for days can cause moodswings you got to give them time to bed in

Early recovery is full of emotions on a rollercoaster your worrying about the future and it hasnt hasppend yet you have today focus on that your sober getting better i know you might not feel like that now but you will Teebee

Nowsthetime

We have to learn to deal with our emotions sobER and that is tough. Stay strong. Remember why you came here in the first place and why you are doing this. Stay close to SR and post as much as you need. We are here.

matilda123

(((TeeBee))) that is a lot to have to deal with. My thoughts are with you.

I think that SoberWolf is right: a visit to the doctor might be a good first step.

I really can relate to your comment about not wanting to feel. It is a big reason that a lot of us drink. As SoberWolf once said to me, "the best thing about sobriety is you get your feelings back; the worse thing about sobriety is that you get your feelings back."

When we drink we don't have to see what is around us, the good and the bad. But don't let yourself be overwhelmed by that now. Just observe and stay sober. And let yourself start to think about what you want in life. That is the amazing gift of sobriety--we actually can get what we want and need because we feel we deserve it.

Agree with Now: stay close to SR and to the support here.

I hope that you have a peaceful Friday.

Alphabet

I'm sorry you're going through this

Have you tried going on another antidepressant? There's myriad out there, not all work for everyone. Prozac works for me and I found it really helpful when I tried to quit drinking last time: it was just my complacency that go in the way of staying sober. I'd suggest talking to your therapist about maybe switching if the sude effects aren't worth it for you.

zerothehero

If you are truly clinically depressed then medication makes perfect sense. If your depression is situational then maybe not.

I know learning to cope with emotions was and still is central to my recovery. Instead of just drinking I had to face powerful disappointment about my job, my marriage, my failings, and myself. I had to grieve over losses, both perceived and real. I had to learn self acceptance. I had to cry. A lot.

Sometimes drinking seems easier, but it's temporary, deceptive, and only delays the inevitable. Early sobriety isn't easy, but it does get better. A lot better.

Anna

Personally, I wouldn't stop taking the antidepressants without speaking with the dr who prescribed them. And, if you are having side-effects tell your dr. There are lots of choices and sometimes you need to try two or three before you find one that works well for you.

And, I understand about 'acting like you're supposed to'. I did that too, to the point that I completely lost myself. Now, I have gotten to know and love the person that I am and I no longer push away my feelings.

mns1

I suppressed my emotions for a very long time. I was always afraid that showing them would make me look "weak". But I learned that it isn't just about feeling and showing them, it's how I show them. I learned how to channel them in proactive ways that made me look strong and confident. And as soon as I learned how to do this, it was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

Perhaps you could learn how to do this?

OnMyWay7

I'm in therapy CBT and could ask her specifically about this. I think if I had an idea I would try it. I don't feel a lot of anger - I did the first few weeks of sobrity. I feel low anger like the victim a lot and know that's not healthy and deep down know it's my own doing or lack of action that has made my life the way it is.

Right now feeling a lot of saddness but don't really want to be crying around the kids etc.

Honestly want to figure this out. Sometimes I'm like how can I be this old and not know how to do this stuff!

Thanks all for your replies.

zero - I read your post for earilier this year - very impactful - thank you for posting that

Niamh

I agree a visit to the Dr is needed. Going on and off the pills can have very negative effects on your mind. Don't worry about how old you are. It's never too late to deal with feelings. In the long run, your family wants you to be healthy and happy. You need to do what it takes to achieve that.

mns1

Definitely ask your therapist about it TeeBee. Worth a shot! Our emotions exist to help us survive. We just need to learn out to use them properly, like any tool in a toolbox!

Anger was a big one for me, personally. I learned how to channel it by being assertive as opposed to being aggressive.

As for sadness, that is one that I just had to learn to express. I had to talk to someone about it. And if I had to cry, then so be it. It doesn't make you any less of a human. It's part of what makes us human.

Best of luck TeeBee

PurpleKnight

I had to learn how to feel again, after years of drinking away all my emotions, I didn't know how to deal with feelings and was scared to feel things again.

It's gonna take time though, we can't learn who we are, about our emotions, and new ways to deal with them without a bottle over night, it's gonna be a learning curve, like a lot of things in Sobriety!!

Hang in there!!