menhen

Hello all!

I am new to the forum. I have been reading posts for the past couple of weeks, but this is my first post. Alcoholism and addiction is very prevalent in my family. My older sister just went to jail over drug charges. I'm not sure of the details. I have limited contact with her. I saw her briefly over both Thanksgiving and Christmas. That was the first time since May. I am cordial with her, but have separated myself from her for the most part. She has been an alcoholic and addict for numerous years and I finally removed myself out her life for almost two years. I'm in counseling and am going to start alanon meetings soon. My question is what thoughts on sending her money or not. I have not supported her or helped her at all in almost 2 years. However, I can't imagine jail without commissary money. Her son may be able to send her some, but he is a 19 year old college student trying to make ends meet. She doesn't have any other support I know of. I have a counseling appt Wed, but would appreciate thoughts. I don't want to send her any money, but it makes me feel guilty. Especially since it wouldn't hurt me financially.

Thanks in advance

Ann

Welcome to SR, I am so sorry about your sister.

Do what feels right in your heart if you want to help her in jail but please don't let her guilt or bully you into it. This may be a good time to let her own the consequences for her actions without assistance from anyone.

I am glad you are going to start meetings and counseling, both will help you find you balance.

Hugs

zoso77

menhen,

Welcome to the Board. You've come to a very, very good, safe place, and I'm confident you will find our little section of SR very comforting and informative.

Regarding your AS, I would not recommend sending her any money. It sets a very poor precedent, and what you may think is an act of sisterly kindness is often twisted into a weapon by the addict.

I've come to believe that addiction is a state where personal responsibility does not exist. If your AS is to find recovery, she needs to start taking care of herself. It is because of her choices that she's in jail. Allow her to experience the consequences of her choices.

Al Anon/Nar Anon are wonderful programs that I believe will be of tremendous help to you in addition to counseling.

Read as many posts as you can stomach. You're not alone.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

menhen

Thank you so much. I will go with my gut at this point and leave it alone. She has not contacted me anyway. My little sis is a RA and I've been helping her. I know that makes older sis jealous, by RAS knows that she can't drink and has to take the true steps she has been to receive my help and support. I know older sis gets jealous of that, but I know that is not my issue. If she chose to get help, I would support her in any way I could/felt appropriate just like younger sis. Thank you. This site is very nice and comforting to read that I'm not alone. I'm trying to work on me and my codependent issues. Guilt can be hard though when you love them!

greeteachday

Welcome!
I think you will find as many opinions on this as there are different personalities. The one thing that I have found works for me both in dealing with an addicted loved one and in dealing with "normal" people in my day to day life is to go with what I can live with.

Your sister is being held personally accountable for her actions that lead to her being in jail - I really hope that, as well as the time away from drugs and alcohol, helps her to make better choices. My personal belief is that putting a little money on the books for her to buy writing paper or stamps or a snack occasionally is not enabling or promoting her addiction. When I am not sure what to do, I look at my motivations. If I want to do it because it is a kind thing to do for my sibling, I'm comfortable. if I want to do it because I think it will change her, or I don't want to do it as a way to punish her, then I need to focus on why I'm motivated in this way.

I hope you find this site helpful and a good tool to add to your counseling and Alanon.

menhen

Thank you. Very good point. Turns out my RAS is going to send her. But of money for stamps and stuff. So I feel that is better coming from her than me as they have a different relationship than I do with older sis. I will see if she writes me or mentions me in a letter to younger sis. I want her to be able to write letters, but am scared she will use commissary money for drugs. Maybe I've watched too many shows and movies about jail, but do deal feel that is a very likely outcome.