Where I am / Where I was
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Where I am / Where I was
So this morning I woke up about 6:30 am. Had a great night's sleep and felt refreshed and I didn't even have to work today. It wasn't like in my using days where I couldn't wait to get that first shot of dope because my sick was starting to come on from last night (I was a pill popper for years too so I know you pill heads know where I am coming from). Hopefully I had some left. Yes I always planned on leaving myself a little for the morning, but as addicts go we can't ration our drugs all that well. God forbid I was out I would be scrambling for an excuse as to why I had to leave the house. It is about an hour round trip to go score so I can't just say I am running to get milk (although many milk runs turned into an hour trip) Should I use the I am going to a meeting excuse again? I feel bad using that one, but hey I need my fix. I will make sure to tell her I will do something nice like get her a coffee and some breakfast for the kids on the way back from the meeting. That should do it (although she really doesn't buy it for a second).
Nope not today. I was just sitting there thinking so what do I want to do today? So many options and not one of them revolves around procuring and using drugs. Talk about FREEDOM! Take the dog for a walk. Play with my kids out in the snow. Watch a movie with my wife. Take a nap maybe. REALLY hit a meeting! Able to do what I want when I want without this lead weight dragging behind me.
Using is like a non-stop schedule of finding money for drugs, going to buy the drugs, use the drugs, use the drugs again until they are gone and REPEAT! Even on work days I used to have to make runs on my lunch hour to go score.
Want to hear something sick - very f*cking sick just to show you how bad I was so maybe some of you don't feel alone? My wife had to get her appendix out. So I of course go with her. She is nervous because they are putting her under and they say the procedure will take about an hour and a half. You can wait in the waiting room and the doctor will come get you when it is over. As soon as they roll her into the operating room I bolt out to my car and drive to the dope spot.
This was before I had a good connect so had to hit the corners. Finally got a guy who of course thought I was a cop (I just don't belong in West Garfield Park). After convincing him I was not a cop and avoided getting robbed I shot up on the way back to the hospital. I get there and my wife is already in recovery and she was like where were you? I told her I just went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. I didn't realize it would be so quick. I saw her face sink a bit, but she was still a bit woozy. What if there were complications during her surgery and I was nowhere to be found? What if I got pulled over and arrested or something? What if I got a bad shot and crashed my car into a concrete median? I used while driving quite a bit. If that doesn't tell you what I thought was more important that day I don't know what does and it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH!
Anyway not trying to turn this into a war story, but I just want you to know where I was at. I was INSANE and here I sit over 2 and a half years CLEAN of everything. It is a minor - no MAJOR miracle. So today I THANK GOD even though I am not quite sure who that is, but it doesn't matter. Wherever you are you can come back from that place. I was depressed to the point of suicide, but you never really know what tomorrow holds now do you? Things can change rather quickly if you decide enough is enough and are ready to REALLY FIGHT for it! That is what I finally did.
Nope not today. I was just sitting there thinking so what do I want to do today? So many options and not one of them revolves around procuring and using drugs. Talk about FREEDOM! Take the dog for a walk. Play with my kids out in the snow. Watch a movie with my wife. Take a nap maybe. REALLY hit a meeting! Able to do what I want when I want without this lead weight dragging behind me.
Using is like a non-stop schedule of finding money for drugs, going to buy the drugs, use the drugs, use the drugs again until they are gone and REPEAT! Even on work days I used to have to make runs on my lunch hour to go score.
Want to hear something sick - very f*cking sick just to show you how bad I was so maybe some of you don't feel alone? My wife had to get her appendix out. So I of course go with her. She is nervous because they are putting her under and they say the procedure will take about an hour and a half. You can wait in the waiting room and the doctor will come get you when it is over. As soon as they roll her into the operating room I bolt out to my car and drive to the dope spot.
This was before I had a good connect so had to hit the corners. Finally got a guy who of course thought I was a cop (I just don't belong in West Garfield Park). After convincing him I was not a cop and avoided getting robbed I shot up on the way back to the hospital. I get there and my wife is already in recovery and she was like where were you? I told her I just went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. I didn't realize it would be so quick. I saw her face sink a bit, but she was still a bit woozy. What if there were complications during her surgery and I was nowhere to be found? What if I got pulled over and arrested or something? What if I got a bad shot and crashed my car into a concrete median? I used while driving quite a bit. If that doesn't tell you what I thought was more important that day I don't know what does and it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH!
Anyway not trying to turn this into a war story, but I just want you to know where I was at. I was INSANE and here I sit over 2 and a half years CLEAN of everything. It is a minor - no MAJOR miracle. So today I THANK GOD even though I am not quite sure who that is, but it doesn't matter. Wherever you are you can come back from that place. I was depressed to the point of suicide, but you never really know what tomorrow holds now do you? Things can change rather quickly if you decide enough is enough and are ready to REALLY FIGHT for it! That is what I finally did.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Thank you Marcus for your story!
Not to make lite of your wife's surgery and you leaving?
My XH dropped me off at the VAH when I had three surgeries one year. Then he went to work! He said: "Give them my cell number. I'll come get you after they call me!" The fourth surgery that year. My dad took me and waited on me. XH didn't think it was neccessary to take off work. He's the reason I ended up diving head first into the bottles of opiates!
TOD
Not to make lite of your wife's surgery and you leaving?
My XH dropped me off at the VAH when I had three surgeries one year. Then he went to work! He said: "Give them my cell number. I'll come get you after they call me!" The fourth surgery that year. My dad took me and waited on me. XH didn't think it was neccessary to take off work. He's the reason I ended up diving head first into the bottles of opiates!
TOD
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