chronsweet

I need some advice about what to tell my five year old son when he mentions alcohol in relation to his dad.

I try to not talk about his dad's problem in front of him. Of course he has seen the actions of his father both in terms of consuming alcohol in large quantities and also the verbal/mental/physical abuse that has happened due to inebriation. He loves his dad. But, sometimes he references him as being 'drunk'. His dad stopped by to bring his lunch box that he forgot in the car this morning and he asked, 'is daddy drunk'? I simply said no and quickly changed the subject to getting ready for school.

How do I address this issue with a five year old who makes remarks or asks questions? His dad no longer lives in the home and hasn't for months. He and I are building a much more solid relationship and he is listening and behaving a lot better, especially towards me, since. He does act out when his dad or his dad's mom (his grandma) are around.

As I don't have any experience in this department, I am asking for some wisdom on this subject.

Hammer

Sure.

At a level they can understand . . . Tell Them The Truth.

Really. Tell Them The Truth.

It is hard to guess what and why their concerns come from.

After Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab, our then I guess our 5 year old . . . a couple months after he had turned 6 . . . The kids noticed that Mom was fairly nutty some of the time. This was like 6 or 7 months back from Rehab.

He asked me -- "Dad, what happens if Mom relapses?"

I thought he was worrying for her. So I explained she had lots of help available, "Friends" (my term to him for AA), a Therapist, on and on.

He said, "No, Dad. What will happen to ME?"

[the little man was concerned for HIMSELF! Wonderful. No Codie-Kid, there. ]

I just said -- "Oh, no problem. I've got your back." (Military term for "Your Rear is Covered.")

He just said, "Good."

And . . . I have got his back.

chronsweet

That is awesome. Made me smile to think about him looking out for number 1.

I was contemplating that angle on the drive home from work. I def don't want to lie to him. I feel I need to teach him to realize that his safety and happiness are important and to validate any feelings he may be having. I never got to do that as a kid. Probably y I ended up co-dependent after being raised by what I believe to be a bpd mom.

I just want him to be secure, happy, and know that he can trust me and count on me.

Thanks hammer!!

pixilation

Its true, i've never sugarcoated ex's drinking around the kids. They knew.

jarp

My RAH went off the deep end when DS was 5.

I was seeing a counsellor who specialises in addicitons and she convincced me that secrets are what really harms kids.

Age approipriate simple info is important.

This is where the conversation envolved with my DS:
- some adults drink alcohol. Alcohol is in beer and wine.
- a little bit is ok. (he asked about this, we went through it - didnt want him freaking out if he saw me have a glass of wine)
- but some people have a sickness where they drink too much alcohol and it changes the way they behave, and that because they are sick, it is very hard for them to not drink alcohol
- this is called an addiction
- Daddy drinks too much alcohol, and that is why he behaves x, y, z
- He has an addiction
- Daddy loves you very much, this is not your fault
- you can ask me anything you want (and kept the conversations ongoing, open and flowing, lots of "what do you think about that", and "how does that make you feel")

I was then able to go on and talk about why Daddy was in hospital, why DS couldnt visit whenever he wanted, etc etc.

Hope this helps.

Godismyrock

When too much is hidden from the kids, they feel anxiety but can't figure out why. It makes sense to tell them age appropriate information. Daddy has a disease, and sometimes it makes him act that way. We want him to get better, and we pray for him to get better. You are safe here with me. As Hammer said "I've got your back"
When the kids start noticing and are not sheltered from the truth, that can be another eye opener for the A. It was for mine.

chronsweet

Excellent advice so far.

I do give him honest information and have really been trying to keep it non-emotional and matter of fact.

The hardest part is dealing with my xMIL and xABF when it comes to him. The dynamic of the relationships is very bizarre. The xABF is able to convince his mom that I say bad things. They act like I am abusing him by telling him about his dad's problems.

I have talked about this in the past, but I suspect MIL is an A too. This is her only grandchild. She speaks and acts for my xABF (her son), now pays his rent, etc and has always acted like she has say in the parenting of my son. She abandoned her own son who is now my xABF when he was about 18 months and didn't really resurface until he was in his early teens. So, I truly feel like she wants to 'redo' a portion of how she messed up through having a 'say' (which I don't allow but causes friction) in how my son is raised. By being raised, I mean she thinks her son should have full access to my DS5. At that same time, she justifies the fact that he never has paid a dime for the care of my son. I am fortunate enough to have worked hard my entire life and earn myself a livable wage. Anyways, that is the toughest part I struggle with.

Telling my son the truth makes them go into panic/attack mode. I am working on not acquiescing my own peace for others. It is a difficult process to break such bad habits.

As always, I appreciate the feedback of my SR fam.

cynical one

What to Tell Children About a Parents Addiction

Age Appropriate Conversations About Drugs and Alcohol

LvWrAM123

I've heard this book recommended: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/091022...129512-4748006

Age-appropriate truth is best. And do it with compassion. Secrets and lies are toxic. If dad and grandma don't like the truth, then they need to change their behavior so the truth will become more palatable. But most kids, whether parent/g-ma is drunk, abusive, crazy, whatever, it's still dad/grandma, and they still love them, and they still want it to be ok with you that they love them.

chronsweet

Thanks. I will check out the recommended book on Amazon. I do know that g-ma and dad love him.

I will take into consideration the best ways to talk to him about the situation. I am trying to be honest and gentle. He tells me he loves me about 50 times a day and is showing so much affection towards me. It is really crazy how having to deal with the chaos of living with an alcoholic affected the bond with my child. His A-dad didn't like for us to be close or lovey dovey. He'd imply it was 'weird'. He'd start a fight with me almost every time we were having fun or looked content.

Now that he is gone out of the house, my son, is making more comments about his dad's drinking. He actually still wants to see him and I will let him although I am making boundaries with that. I need to know my child is safe.

He's made the comment, "It's not good to be a drunk," or "I don't want to be a drunk". My reply is usually something like, That's good, I don't want you to be a drunk either. Then he goes about his merry little way.

There is so much more laughter in the house though. I just want to know and learn some appropriate responses while we work through his curiosity about the dynamics of relationships.

Thanks again for the responses.

NWGRITS

As an ACoA, I'll agree that the kids know. They may not fully understand what it all means, but they know. You can simply say, "I don't know of he is, but I can see you're uncomfortable. Would you like to talk about it?" Don't lie, but don't divulge everything. It's a fine balance to handle kids in this situation. The most important thing is that he knows you love him and will always have his back, as Hammer says. He'll be ok with a strong guide in his clever.

walkinganewpath

Great thread. I don't have much to add other than to agree that being age (maturity level )appropriately honest is the best. My 11yoDD is more aware than my 8yoDS so the degrees of explanation I have given them differs.

My AH is moody when he drinks and once the switch flips to jerk it isn't that fun. Everyone stomps off upset, etc. They need to know it isn't about them, isn't their fault and to just leave dad alone when he gets grouchy. Sad to have to explain but when they realize he is doing/being something not nice that it's because he's drinking they seem to take it less to heart - they're mad at him and think he's stupid for drinking. I try to explain it's not his fault and he doesn't know how to fix it himself yet. At least they seem to be able to let it go when they hear that.

NerdlyBeauty

Hi, chronsweet. Girl, we are in the same exact situation. I have been dealing with my AXBF since before I got pregnant. Our son is 6. This poor kid has seen and been through a lot. We are unfortunately surrounded by abusive people, most of whom have no idea they are abusive. Something I have been dealing with my entire life. We have left AXBF several times, moved in with family, got kicked out, etc. At first, I wanted to have DS and his AF have a relationship. I went out of my way to make it easy for him, easy for his family, to have access to DS. He started having major tantrums. When we were living with my parents, they were not compassionate about why he was having tantrums, so they would punish him for it when I was not around. It got so bad that DS told his teacher that his Grampy hit him. I asked the school not to report my parents to social services, because that would cause more harm than good. Meanwhile, my parents are not compassionate towards me either and my situation. The first time they threw us out, we had no choice but to move back in with AXBF, who was still actively drinking. My poor boy saw all sorts of abuse towards me because of his father. He had problems bonding with other people. I was actually concerned that he may be on the spectrum.

Anyway...I know I'm rambling. I'm sorry...I'm kind of sick today, and not on my A game. I guess my point is, I finally learned to trust my own instincts, and not listen to anyone else. I threw AXBF out about a week and a half ago, and went completely no-contact. I also limited contact with my parents for both myself and DS. I have noticed a definite positive change in DS. He has made friends at school, and is very close to two girls in his class (which is scary in itself, but that's not for here ) He occasionally askes about his father. When his dad is sober, they have a great relationship. But when he's not...I see signs of the same verbal abuse that AXBF hurled towards me. I told DS that his dad is really sick because of beer, and that we won't see him for a long time, maybe never. I said I hoped his father would go back into the hospital, but only his dad can decide that. DS seems fine with that.

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I have no interest in reestablishing a relationship with his AF, but it would be nice if AXBF got healthy enough to have a relationship with his son. I hate to have to cut him off from his father's side of the family, but all they do is bash me. Again chron...you have to trust your own gut. The fact that your concerned about this at all makes you a great Mom. I wouldn't recommend saying anything negative about your child's father in front of your child, but you should probably be as honest as is age appropriate.

I hope this helps!

hopeful4

I can say what I did not do. I was not honest at first, and come to find out my children were resenting me big time b/c they knew a lot was wrong and could not understand it.

My children's counselor asked me the other day what I see my counseling goals as being for my children. I said that they will always have stressors, especially involving their father. That my goal is for them to be able to handle that stress without spinning out of control or having it overtake their lives.

Be honest.

Jarp's response is excellent!