Just needed to talk about 20 year old son
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Just needed to talk about 20 year old son
I have posted on here before. My son had been a heavy drinker last year but since August has cut back but now has started up again since his girlfriend turned 21. She doesn't drink but gets it for him. They are both college students and doing well. He commutes most of the time and she comes home on weekends. They have been together over 2 years and I think it is starting to fall apart. 3 years ago in May his first love broke up with him. He treated her like a queen! She said she needed a break and she told me he was always sad. During the 9 months they were together he did not drink or smoke weed. Once she broke up with him, he went down hill. He was cutting himself which he done prior but I never knew. Ended up going drunk to a counseling session because of the cutting and was put in a teen hospital for counseling and observation. Since that day he has blamed me for him being in their for the 72 hours. Said he didn't deserve that at all. I will never forget the look he had in his eyes as I walked away. He will always hate me for this. So for the past 3 years our relationship has been strained. He doesn't eat with us, he does nothing with us. Rarely speaks to us unless we talk first. I tried explaining to him that I was told if I didn't leave him there the doctor would override me and it would go on his medical record. He doesn't believe me. Anyway, after the first gf broke up with him and he met this girl he started doing weed more often and then drinking. The drinking was real bad up until about August when he did cut back. Started up again. Was taking 10mg of Lexapro for anxiety/depression but I have noticed he has stopped taking them. I figured because he was drinking now again. He does NOTHING for the girlfriend. Buys her nothing, etc. I can tell she is getting the ***** of it. They are fighting more. I heard he tell him he was a ****** boyfriend. Nothing seems to phase him! It was my birthday on Saturday and he never even said Happy Birthday but neither did the girlfriend. I don't give him any money anymore because it was always spent on booze or weed. What $ he got for Christmas he has been using. I guess the reason behind my post is, "will he ever change?" Will he ever realize how he is treating the people who love him? I have pulled myself away from him. I don't try to make conversation anymore. He has broken me. Today he went back to college and he walks out real fast to avoid conversation or a hug. I said "see ya, drive safe" and walked away. I didn't walk after like I usually would have. Just done inside with him. Horrible, but I feel like a complete failure. My daughter is just the opposite. Compassionate, joyful, smiles, etc. He is always down. Refuses to seek counseling. Suffers from psoriasis as well which depresses him. Just at a point I wish he would snap out of this.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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Bless your heart. I can't imagine. I am a mother to sons so I feel for you. I'm not the most knowledgeable on this topic of son/addiction, but I'm sure others will be around.
My first thought is that you're doing good to not give him money to enable his habit. And as a teen who is cutting and showing up to counseling drunk, you did the right thing leaving him there and you shouldn't feel bad or apologize for being a mother. I would have done the same thing for one of my sons.
I think the question of "will he ever change" is the same one I ask myself regarding my husband. Hopefully allowing them to fall to whatever their bottom is will answer us back with a resounding YES. But of course there is no guarantee. What we can do is pray for them. We can also pray for ourselves to know what to do and when to do it as well as show restraint where we need to. Continue reading and learning about addiction.
I know this isn't the most helpful, but know I'm praying for you and your son -- big hugs.
My first thought is that you're doing good to not give him money to enable his habit. And as a teen who is cutting and showing up to counseling drunk, you did the right thing leaving him there and you shouldn't feel bad or apologize for being a mother. I would have done the same thing for one of my sons.
I think the question of "will he ever change" is the same one I ask myself regarding my husband. Hopefully allowing them to fall to whatever their bottom is will answer us back with a resounding YES. But of course there is no guarantee. What we can do is pray for them. We can also pray for ourselves to know what to do and when to do it as well as show restraint where we need to. Continue reading and learning about addiction.
I know this isn't the most helpful, but know I'm praying for you and your son -- big hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Seems like he suffers from depression as a primary disorder and is using alcohol and weed to self medicate his problems. His psoriasis probably just makes his depression worse, as it probably lowers his self-esteem. There is really nothing you can do to help him. It's interesting that his girlfriend did not send you a happy birthday message. Could there be a reason she is resentful at you? Or did she just forget?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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I also think you did the right thing with the 72 hour observation period. Whether or not he sees it, it was for his health and safety.
I don't know how to help with your son's drinking. But maybe a few things that helped my family and I dealing with depression.... Dealing with depression is so hard, both for your son and for the rest of your family. I've been on both sides: my father's, and I had to fight through my own depression a few years ago.
My sister said the book "When Some One You Love Is Depressed" helped her when she was trying to support me. Both she and I both found the blog by Allie Brosh (I think--Hyperbole and a Half, in case I got it wrong). She wote a book later. She shares her struggle with a round with depression. She really explains how bewildering depression can be. How there may be absolutely no reason to be down, being able to *see* that, but still not being able to pull yourself out.
Drinking is going to make it harder for him to deal with the depression. It's definitely not going to help the medication do its job.
Please know that you haven't failed him. He may not be in a healthy place, but you haven't failed him.
I don't know how to help with your son's drinking. But maybe a few things that helped my family and I dealing with depression.... Dealing with depression is so hard, both for your son and for the rest of your family. I've been on both sides: my father's, and I had to fight through my own depression a few years ago.
My sister said the book "When Some One You Love Is Depressed" helped her when she was trying to support me. Both she and I both found the blog by Allie Brosh (I think--Hyperbole and a Half, in case I got it wrong). She wote a book later. She shares her struggle with a round with depression. She really explains how bewildering depression can be. How there may be absolutely no reason to be down, being able to *see* that, but still not being able to pull yourself out.
Drinking is going to make it harder for him to deal with the depression. It's definitely not going to help the medication do its job.
Please know that you haven't failed him. He may not be in a healthy place, but you haven't failed him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
My son is only 5 so I don't even know how to respond to this.
It is painful being in a relationship with an A, but the parent/child bond is much deeper and the pain to see your child depressed/displaying addictive behaviors would be devastating.
My first thought goes to not enabling. I see my xABF's mom enable him and make excuses for just about everything he does. I used to get mad at her because it hurt me that she was basically condoning his behavior towards me. Now, I recognize that she is just along for the ride and only she can choose to stop her own behavior towards him. Because my son's dad is an addict and he grew up seeing that for 4 years of his life (he just turned 5), I have contemplated having to go through what you are now. I say to myself that I will not enable him in any manner. I will only reward good behavior. If he lives with me past 18, he will have to earn his keep and he will have to respect my place in the household.
It sounds like you recognize what enabling is and don't do it to the degree others might. (Ex: you don't give him spending money) I'd have to ask, do you think letting him live with you is enabling him? To me, if he is under your roof, he should respect you and your family. One thing I have always known about my mom is that when you go to her house, you respect it. Perhaps you could tell him he either gets help dealing with whatever depression he is going through or he will need another place to live? At 20, it seems reasonable to think that with intervention for depression that it is more hopeful than if it were to continue for a decade like many people.
I am not exactly sure of your dynamics as far as your living situation, etc. But, you deserve to live in a peaceful home. Our children will always be our children, but we as parents must also hold them accountable as adult children.
Sending positive thoughts and clarity your way.
It is painful being in a relationship with an A, but the parent/child bond is much deeper and the pain to see your child depressed/displaying addictive behaviors would be devastating.
My first thought goes to not enabling. I see my xABF's mom enable him and make excuses for just about everything he does. I used to get mad at her because it hurt me that she was basically condoning his behavior towards me. Now, I recognize that she is just along for the ride and only she can choose to stop her own behavior towards him. Because my son's dad is an addict and he grew up seeing that for 4 years of his life (he just turned 5), I have contemplated having to go through what you are now. I say to myself that I will not enable him in any manner. I will only reward good behavior. If he lives with me past 18, he will have to earn his keep and he will have to respect my place in the household.
It sounds like you recognize what enabling is and don't do it to the degree others might. (Ex: you don't give him spending money) I'd have to ask, do you think letting him live with you is enabling him? To me, if he is under your roof, he should respect you and your family. One thing I have always known about my mom is that when you go to her house, you respect it. Perhaps you could tell him he either gets help dealing with whatever depression he is going through or he will need another place to live? At 20, it seems reasonable to think that with intervention for depression that it is more hopeful than if it were to continue for a decade like many people.
I am not exactly sure of your dynamics as far as your living situation, etc. But, you deserve to live in a peaceful home. Our children will always be our children, but we as parents must also hold them accountable as adult children.
Sending positive thoughts and clarity your way.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Your situation breaks my heart.
He probably needs to dry out/ stop weed to determine if he is self medicating a mental illness. Hard to know if depression is truly there or a effect of the weed/booze? At 20 I'm not sure what his rights vs. a parents are in regards to an inpatient stay to figure it out.
I met parents of two young beautiful men at my H's rehab. They were exhausted and both on their third inpatient round. They could not tease out if their sons were serious about rehab or just hiding from the law. When I saw them at the break their sons were so normal.
One hung out with my H at night, so I met him personally during a break. My H, being a straight Alcoholic early 40's did not even grasp how this young man's addiction was accelerating and likely going to kill him by 30. Because he did everything it was expected another round would bring him to OD.
I don't know what to tell you. Because love isn't enough. You need professional guidance perhaps regarding boundaries at home ( like maybe he doesn't return to save you and your husband?), and deciding if you are going to force an evaluation/ inpatient rehab and tie it to the rest of his tuition money.
He is on a trajectory I'm not sure you can stop. This is my fear. Hugs to you.
He probably needs to dry out/ stop weed to determine if he is self medicating a mental illness. Hard to know if depression is truly there or a effect of the weed/booze? At 20 I'm not sure what his rights vs. a parents are in regards to an inpatient stay to figure it out.
I met parents of two young beautiful men at my H's rehab. They were exhausted and both on their third inpatient round. They could not tease out if their sons were serious about rehab or just hiding from the law. When I saw them at the break their sons were so normal.
One hung out with my H at night, so I met him personally during a break. My H, being a straight Alcoholic early 40's did not even grasp how this young man's addiction was accelerating and likely going to kill him by 30. Because he did everything it was expected another round would bring him to OD.
I don't know what to tell you. Because love isn't enough. You need professional guidance perhaps regarding boundaries at home ( like maybe he doesn't return to save you and your husband?), and deciding if you are going to force an evaluation/ inpatient rehab and tie it to the rest of his tuition money.
He is on a trajectory I'm not sure you can stop. This is my fear. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Thank you all. The part I don't get is that he does so well in college. Graduating with 2 majors a year and half early? He goes straight through the year. His major downfall is how he treats his family and girlfriend and his weed/drinking. He is not drunk daily. Mostly just drinks on the weekends and is not all out drunk. I hope I am not sounding like I am defending him! He does his weed daily I am most certain of.
I feel his major issue is his depression/anxiety. He has tried seeing counselors but wont go more than 2 times which I feel they tell him about his addiction and he refuses to go then... Just my feelings. His psoriasis is terrible. That brings him down even more. He has been getting the new stellara shots but is having reactions to them. It has started on his face and he is over the edge upset about that. I feel for him. My husband has it over 50% of his body. My sons self image is broken to begin with due to being overweight most of his life. He lost weight for about 2 years and now has packed it all back on again. It breaks me looking at him.
I feel his major issue is his depression/anxiety. He has tried seeing counselors but wont go more than 2 times which I feel they tell him about his addiction and he refuses to go then... Just my feelings. His psoriasis is terrible. That brings him down even more. He has been getting the new stellara shots but is having reactions to them. It has started on his face and he is over the edge upset about that. I feel for him. My husband has it over 50% of his body. My sons self image is broken to begin with due to being overweight most of his life. He lost weight for about 2 years and now has packed it all back on again. It breaks me looking at him.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hello Hummingbird,
Addicts function just fine in parts of their lives. He knows how to excel academically. You get the syllabus of each class and it is all laid out before you - what you need to learn and what papers/tests/projects are due and when. You learn how to write/communicate in the lingo of your majors. For someone adept at manipulation, it isn't rocket science to excel in a structured environment like university.
What do you want to do? Do you want to make a boundary that he is not welcome home if he is using and abusive to you? You can do that. Tough as it is, many a mom has had to step up and say, 'You are nearly an adult. You do not respect me in my own home, so don't come here unless you are sober and capable to treat me with civility. This summer you need to make plans and stay elsewhere during your break. I'm giving you plenTy of time to find a sublet and come up with the rent money.'
Or you can go bigger. Pull the tuition money after this semester or tie it to rehab. He treats you terribly either way, right? What do you have to lose? You might lose your son EITHER way.
Addicts function just fine in parts of their lives. He knows how to excel academically. You get the syllabus of each class and it is all laid out before you - what you need to learn and what papers/tests/projects are due and when. You learn how to write/communicate in the lingo of your majors. For someone adept at manipulation, it isn't rocket science to excel in a structured environment like university.
What do you want to do? Do you want to make a boundary that he is not welcome home if he is using and abusive to you? You can do that. Tough as it is, many a mom has had to step up and say, 'You are nearly an adult. You do not respect me in my own home, so don't come here unless you are sober and capable to treat me with civility. This summer you need to make plans and stay elsewhere during your break. I'm giving you plenTy of time to find a sublet and come up with the rent money.'
Or you can go bigger. Pull the tuition money after this semester or tie it to rehab. He treats you terribly either way, right? What do you have to lose? You might lose your son EITHER way.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
So sorry and I would agree, either house him on campus if you can afford it or tell him he is moving out. Barring that, set some boundaries with regard to his behavior at home.
I have challenges with my kids (college age successful daughter on her way to alcoholism and teenage son with depression). My son had a 4-day inpatient hospitalization last year. Leaving him there was the hardest thing I've ever done, he cried and begged me to bring him home and said he would never forgive me. I almost told the doctors to release him to me against medical advice, and luckily they talked me out of it. In the end he did benefit from being there and admits he did. A few days in the hospital is nothing - most kids on inpatient psych stay for 1 to 2 weeks. Your son is holding you emotionally hostage over something done for his benefit and you need to stop feeling guilty about it.
Psoriasis is tough. My XAH has battled psoriasis since his teens. As an inflammatory condition it also has internal effects that are not fully understood.
I have challenges with my kids (college age successful daughter on her way to alcoholism and teenage son with depression). My son had a 4-day inpatient hospitalization last year. Leaving him there was the hardest thing I've ever done, he cried and begged me to bring him home and said he would never forgive me. I almost told the doctors to release him to me against medical advice, and luckily they talked me out of it. In the end he did benefit from being there and admits he did. A few days in the hospital is nothing - most kids on inpatient psych stay for 1 to 2 weeks. Your son is holding you emotionally hostage over something done for his benefit and you need to stop feeling guilty about it.
Psoriasis is tough. My XAH has battled psoriasis since his teens. As an inflammatory condition it also has internal effects that are not fully understood.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Santa....please don't try to walk this alone! It is too much to go alone. I know this very well. Oh, so well.
At minimum...I would say to talk to the counselors or Mental Health people at the University. His history of cutting, depression, girlfriend problems, etc.... put him at high risk for something possibly more serious. They have procedures for monitoring. They may not share with you...but, you can tell them anything you want.
I completely understand your worries.
dandylion
At minimum...I would say to talk to the counselors or Mental Health people at the University. His history of cutting, depression, girlfriend problems, etc.... put him at high risk for something possibly more serious. They have procedures for monitoring. They may not share with you...but, you can tell them anything you want.
I completely understand your worries.
dandylion
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