How do I save my relationship?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: fort Lauderdale, fl
Posts: 2
How do I save my relationship?
Hello,
I'm engaged to am alcoholic. A binge
drinker, really, he can go days at a time
without a drink.. But can't put it down once
he's started.. But he drinks very often. Recently we are having
serious problems as marriage is close.. Or
was close.. It seems to me that he's trying
to compensate for his alcoholism by doing
extra things for my kids.. Etc.. And when
his drinking problem comes up it's like,
how dare you, can't you see what I do for
you. He also points out my flaws, no matter
how insignificant, and makes them major
issues.. by no means do I think I'm perfect.. But I am not confrontational and always try to keep the peace.
God forbid my mother state
that he drinks too much, who does she
think she is.. The knowledge that he drinks
too much is on display every time he
drinks... It's not like I even have to run and
tell my mother about it.. She sees it. I don't
know what to do. We each have 2
daughters.. And I love him with all my
heart. I don't want to upset the kids lives by
leaving... Not to mention that it would
devastate me also.. And I also don't want
to accept alcoholism as a normal part of
our lives.
This is a relationship I really want to keep.
He's a fantastic man, minus the booze.
I'm engaged to am alcoholic. A binge
drinker, really, he can go days at a time
without a drink.. But can't put it down once
he's started.. But he drinks very often. Recently we are having
serious problems as marriage is close.. Or
was close.. It seems to me that he's trying
to compensate for his alcoholism by doing
extra things for my kids.. Etc.. And when
his drinking problem comes up it's like,
how dare you, can't you see what I do for
you. He also points out my flaws, no matter
how insignificant, and makes them major
issues.. by no means do I think I'm perfect.. But I am not confrontational and always try to keep the peace.
God forbid my mother state
that he drinks too much, who does she
think she is.. The knowledge that he drinks
too much is on display every time he
drinks... It's not like I even have to run and
tell my mother about it.. She sees it. I don't
know what to do. We each have 2
daughters.. And I love him with all my
heart. I don't want to upset the kids lives by
leaving... Not to mention that it would
devastate me also.. And I also don't want
to accept alcoholism as a normal part of
our lives.
This is a relationship I really want to keep.
He's a fantastic man, minus the booze.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
crys,
welcome to SR.
reading your story, i doubt it's THIS relationship you really want to keep :the relationship where he gets drunk, criticizes, "how dare you!", minor flaws turned into major issues, with you putting tons of effort into keeping the peace. appeasing.
i'm thinking the relationship you really want to keep is the one you think you and he COULD MAYBE have after he gets himself straightened out. which he might or might not.
please scroll down the forum lists and find the one for friends and family, where you'll get tons of support from people who've been/are where you're at.
i get that you don't want to upset the kids by leaving, but in the long run they'll be more upset and hurt by living in chaos.
it's great that you're reaching out and connecting here. i hope you'll have the courage to step away from the wedding plans for now. sounds like you're aware of some of the potential problems as well as some of the already-present ones, or you wouldn't be here.
your gut-feeling radar is telling you things aren't right.
welcome to SR.
reading your story, i doubt it's THIS relationship you really want to keep :the relationship where he gets drunk, criticizes, "how dare you!", minor flaws turned into major issues, with you putting tons of effort into keeping the peace. appeasing.
i'm thinking the relationship you really want to keep is the one you think you and he COULD MAYBE have after he gets himself straightened out. which he might or might not.
please scroll down the forum lists and find the one for friends and family, where you'll get tons of support from people who've been/are where you're at.
i get that you don't want to upset the kids by leaving, but in the long run they'll be more upset and hurt by living in chaos.
it's great that you're reaching out and connecting here. i hope you'll have the courage to step away from the wedding plans for now. sounds like you're aware of some of the potential problems as well as some of the already-present ones, or you wouldn't be here.
your gut-feeling radar is telling you things aren't right.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Does he treat you and the kids right even when he is drunk?
I am a recovering alcoholic with a wonderful man, who is a drinker. He can also go without, but binge drinks. He is functional, so my daughter doesn't see a stumbling, drunken, puking mess.
I have yet to hear of a way to correct their problem. That's why it's their problem. There are nights I would love romance, but he's passed out and smells like beer. There are nights I would love sleep, but the drunken beer breath snoring keeps me up. And then there are the cans. I am constantly throwing away beer cans. He keeps them confined to his man cave but occasionally one will wander up to the kitchen.
I chose to accept this. I can't change it. As an alcoholic no one could make me stop. I had to figure it out on my own. Sometimes that comes early and easy, sometimes it never comes. And it will progressively get worse. I can't say he's an alcoholic...that's not my place. I have asked him to tone it down. He does but has to be reminded every 2-3 months. This is my experience so far.
Jennifer
I am a recovering alcoholic with a wonderful man, who is a drinker. He can also go without, but binge drinks. He is functional, so my daughter doesn't see a stumbling, drunken, puking mess.
I have yet to hear of a way to correct their problem. That's why it's their problem. There are nights I would love romance, but he's passed out and smells like beer. There are nights I would love sleep, but the drunken beer breath snoring keeps me up. And then there are the cans. I am constantly throwing away beer cans. He keeps them confined to his man cave but occasionally one will wander up to the kitchen.
I chose to accept this. I can't change it. As an alcoholic no one could make me stop. I had to figure it out on my own. Sometimes that comes early and easy, sometimes it never comes. And it will progressively get worse. I can't say he's an alcoholic...that's not my place. I have asked him to tone it down. He does but has to be reminded every 2-3 months. This is my experience so far.
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 585
Hello crys
I am that guy. I used to do everything in my power to push blame and do "extras" in order to compensate and cover up my drinking. My in laws told my wife they thought i drank to much. I was furious. ..but they were right. It has taken a while but i finally acknowledged i was the problem not my wife or anyone else. I don't know how much this post will help but i am writing to tell you, you are not alone. In my case my wife and children both called me out. After the initial outrage i had it was a wake up call for me. I hope this helps. I know one thing for sure you and your children are the most important thing to consider. I pray for a great outcome with regard to your husband, family and marriage. Many others here on SR will probably have better advice than me. Take care
I am that guy. I used to do everything in my power to push blame and do "extras" in order to compensate and cover up my drinking. My in laws told my wife they thought i drank to much. I was furious. ..but they were right. It has taken a while but i finally acknowledged i was the problem not my wife or anyone else. I don't know how much this post will help but i am writing to tell you, you are not alone. In my case my wife and children both called me out. After the initial outrage i had it was a wake up call for me. I hope this helps. I know one thing for sure you and your children are the most important thing to consider. I pray for a great outcome with regard to your husband, family and marriage. Many others here on SR will probably have better advice than me. Take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: fort Lauderdale, fl
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your responses.. I really feel that he will at least try to make changes.. Until lately he had always recognized his drinking problem.. Knew it was something that needed changing.. And went about 6 months sober once. It's only Recently he's been defensive about it.. My reasoning for not being ready for marriage, his drinking... His reason, he can't deal with my mother for the rest of his life.. I'm not ready to give up on him even though it feels like we've hit a brick wall. Does anyone have any advise on how to handle the situation?
Charlie, your post does help.. What should I do when he's been drinking and wants to dig up old bones in defense of his drinking. I try to avoid him when he's been drinking and wants to fight.. But it's so hard because he says hurtful things to me. I sleep on the couch and he comes down three or four times to continue arguing.
This is all new behavior.. Before a couple months ago we had problems but not all thus fighting.. He wasn't being defensive. I'm having a hard time believing that he's chosen booze and will never make an effort. And all of it started when I had a conversation about his drinking problem with his mother.. It was not new news to her, obviously.. But it's his favorite thing to throw in my face besides money. He makes more than I do.. And he loves to remind me of who pays most of the bills when he's drunk. I suppose I should say nothing to him until he's sober.. Maybe I'll give that a go.
And, yes, he is Good to me and my kids. There is no kind of abuse our anything.. He is a really great father.
Charlie, your post does help.. What should I do when he's been drinking and wants to dig up old bones in defense of his drinking. I try to avoid him when he's been drinking and wants to fight.. But it's so hard because he says hurtful things to me. I sleep on the couch and he comes down three or four times to continue arguing.
This is all new behavior.. Before a couple months ago we had problems but not all thus fighting.. He wasn't being defensive. I'm having a hard time believing that he's chosen booze and will never make an effort. And all of it started when I had a conversation about his drinking problem with his mother.. It was not new news to her, obviously.. But it's his favorite thing to throw in my face besides money. He makes more than I do.. And he loves to remind me of who pays most of the bills when he's drunk. I suppose I should say nothing to him until he's sober.. Maybe I'll give that a go.
And, yes, he is Good to me and my kids. There is no kind of abuse our anything.. He is a really great father.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
All I can contribute is I am an alcoholic. I may not drink anymore, but when I was, NO ONE should marry me. Getting legal about the relationship only causes a whole lot of legal issues if things continue as they are, or get worse. And I am an alcoholic and I share this freely, It will get worse for him if he sees drinking as a hobby. Please do visit the friends and family section for more insight.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Alcoholism is progressive. It does not get better, it gets worse. This is likely as good as it is going to get and it is virtually certain to get worse, much worse. The only solution is that he quits completely, that it is his decision and he is 100% committed to it. "trying to make changes" ain't going to cut it. I tried that approach for years and nothing worked and it seems that virtually everyone on this site would agree. You are about to enter into a marriage with an alcoholic wishing for a life that you could have.....but you will not have....for as long as he is drinking. If his condition does continue to get worse then prepare yourself for many long years of heartache and pain. I suggest you think about this a little more. I don't think anyone here would recommend marrying an alcoholic. I am one, and I certainly would not.
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