I hope this is part of recovery...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I hope this is part of recovery...
I am 113 days in and have been having some weird issues. I have been very clouded and disconnected for a long time now, duh, but it's been more noticeable since I stopped drinking. At first it seemed logical and normal and I didn't really notice it. But now, it feels like I'm watching the world through a plexiglass wall. It looks like I'm having a conversation, you may think I am participating, I act like I am having the conversation...I just don't feel connected to the conversation. Does this make sense?
Guys, I'm really fried out here. I did a lot of ecstacy pills back in my day and I am afraid I have caused some serious brain damage.
Is this normal???? I feel like any day this trapped behind glass feeling is going to lift and boom! It's going to be wonderful. But I'm also scared I'm stuck like this forever.
Jennifer
Guys, I'm really fried out here. I did a lot of ecstacy pills back in my day and I am afraid I have caused some serious brain damage.
Is this normal???? I feel like any day this trapped behind glass feeling is going to lift and boom! It's going to be wonderful. But I'm also scared I'm stuck like this forever.
Jennifer
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
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I didn't feel trapped behind glass, exactly, but I felt very lethargic, foggy brained and somewhat disconnected (like I couldn't really 'relate'). The six month point was when things began to lift.
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Location: Chattanooga TN
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Feeling disconnected has been part of my recovery as well. I have had a lot going through my mind of late, so really I am not there all the time. Not by choice, but some conversations don't engage me enough for my mind to stop thinking about what I want to think about instead of the conversation. Normal or not? Don't know lol. As long as I can concentrate on the things I need too, I am ok with it. Some conversations are just boring <shrugs>
As far as the x usage, you'd need to see a Dr. about that. I have some friends who used that a lot in their youth, and they seem ok. If that is worrying you though, it is easier to get checked out than wasting a lot of energy wondering if it is an issue.
At 113 days you are doing great, don't let these things drag you down too much, but do address them
As far as the x usage, you'd need to see a Dr. about that. I have some friends who used that a lot in their youth, and they seem ok. If that is worrying you though, it is easier to get checked out than wasting a lot of energy wondering if it is an issue.
At 113 days you are doing great, don't let these things drag you down too much, but do address them
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Have you been clean during the past 113 days, countrygirl? No drugs at all?
How about stress, especially any traumatic event, or something emotionally taxing?
I'm just asking because I felt this way (which sounds like some kind of mild dissociation) in response to the above things.
Good job on the 113 days, btw
How about stress, especially any traumatic event, or something emotionally taxing?
I'm just asking because I felt this way (which sounds like some kind of mild dissociation) in response to the above things.
Good job on the 113 days, btw
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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No, I haven't done drugs since before my daughter was born, and she will be 7 in May.
I really, really appreciate the responses. I will give it some time. I didn't get this way in one day. It's just frustrating because just a month ago I was able to help others. It's like this just dawned on me, this disconnected feeling, and I may be over thinking it (as usual). Now I have become self absorbed.
I do want to go to a doctor. I have to figure out insurance now that I got dropped from the company I was with. I'm broke. I will figure it out.
Jennifer
I really, really appreciate the responses. I will give it some time. I didn't get this way in one day. It's just frustrating because just a month ago I was able to help others. It's like this just dawned on me, this disconnected feeling, and I may be over thinking it (as usual). Now I have become self absorbed.
I do want to go to a doctor. I have to figure out insurance now that I got dropped from the company I was with. I'm broke. I will figure it out.
Jennifer
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by countrygirl2014 
No, I haven't done drugs since before my daughter was born, and she will be 7 in May.
I really, really appreciate the responses. I will give it some time. I didn't get this way in one day. It's just frustrating because just a month ago I was able to help others. It's like this just dawned on me, this disconnected feeling, and I may be over thinking it (as usual). Now I have become self absorbed.
I do want to go to a doctor. I have to figure out insurance now that I got dropped from the company I was with. I'm broke. I will figure it out.
Jennifer
I really, really appreciate the responses. I will give it some time. I didn't get this way in one day. It's just frustrating because just a month ago I was able to help others. It's like this just dawned on me, this disconnected feeling, and I may be over thinking it (as usual). Now I have become self absorbed.
I do want to go to a doctor. I have to figure out insurance now that I got dropped from the company I was with. I'm broke. I will figure it out.
Jennifer
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Like other people have said I think these kind of feelings are pretty normal....but normality scared me a little cos I'd been out of my head for so many years.
Give things a chance to settle in Jen - and don't be too hard on yourself...I think you're doing well
D
Give things a chance to settle in Jen - and don't be too hard on yourself...I think you're doing well
D
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
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So the first thread I click on today is this one, and this is the one I needed to read.
I'm so glad you wrote about this Jen, because I feel the same !
Like a glass window, yes. But I think I've always felt like this, just never realised it before !
I think Haennie may be right--I know I have dissociation issues.
And then there's PAWS of course, which probably has something to do with it too.
You helped me today Xx
I'm so glad you wrote about this Jen, because I feel the same !
Like a glass window, yes. But I think I've always felt like this, just never realised it before !
I think Haennie may be right--I know I have dissociation issues.
And then there's PAWS of course, which probably has something to do with it too.
You helped me today Xx
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Oh janie....you just put the words soooo right.
I really blew my own mind yesterday by going through an old photo album I stumbled across. There were pictures of me from like age 7 to 15- the age I morphed 100% into this monster. I, of course analyzed the hell out of every picture trying to figure out what went wrong and when.
I recognized the real me. And I'm in here somewhere. I just have to break through this fog. It's frustrating. I'm so close.
Jennifer
I really blew my own mind yesterday by going through an old photo album I stumbled across. There were pictures of me from like age 7 to 15- the age I morphed 100% into this monster. I, of course analyzed the hell out of every picture trying to figure out what went wrong and when.
I recognized the real me. And I'm in here somewhere. I just have to break through this fog. It's frustrating. I'm so close.
Jennifer
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Yes! The loss of our little girl (or boy, if you're a fella) is where a lot of the keys are buried...
I was a happy, vital, curious, engaged child. Like many of us, some of the most joyous and connective aspects of my being were ground out of me by both actual trauma and the "behavioral guidance" of schools and grown-ups. I was quieted & made smaller. I was taught that friendliness was dangerous (sexual abuse stuff). I was trained to self protect. I was also given the message that my exuberance was not cool (tone it down...).
Drugs & alcohol allowed me to override many of those oppressive messages. By adolescence I realized that I could act however I chose when loaded, & that nothing hurt.
Quitting drinking & using for me means giving up my ability to "let loose & be my true self." In my professional world, I am a responsible & very well behaved grown-up - non-emotional, & never too loud...
Learning to reintegrate that young girl who was given so many distorted messages is the centerpiece of my sobriety work.
And yes, living a somewhat false self in a somewhat false world does feel like talking through glass.
Occasionally the glass wall rises and allows us through. Someday - I believe - it will shatter.
Then I will be true me and uncontainable.
I was a happy, vital, curious, engaged child. Like many of us, some of the most joyous and connective aspects of my being were ground out of me by both actual trauma and the "behavioral guidance" of schools and grown-ups. I was quieted & made smaller. I was taught that friendliness was dangerous (sexual abuse stuff). I was trained to self protect. I was also given the message that my exuberance was not cool (tone it down...).
Drugs & alcohol allowed me to override many of those oppressive messages. By adolescence I realized that I could act however I chose when loaded, & that nothing hurt.
Quitting drinking & using for me means giving up my ability to "let loose & be my true self." In my professional world, I am a responsible & very well behaved grown-up - non-emotional, & never too loud...
Learning to reintegrate that young girl who was given so many distorted messages is the centerpiece of my sobriety work.
And yes, living a somewhat false self in a somewhat false world does feel like talking through glass.
Occasionally the glass wall rises and allows us through. Someday - I believe - it will shatter.
Then I will be true me and uncontainable.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Mikie9
No shame my friend just lettin you know your posts are helping others. Not just the post, but the replies. Heck I just hope my posts/comments are helping lol
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by countrygirl2014
Oh janie....you just put the words soooo right.
I really blew my own mind yesterday by going through an old photo album I stumbled across. There were pictures of me from like age 7 to 15- the age I morphed 100% into this monster. I, of course analyzed the hell out of every picture trying to figure out what went wrong and when.
I recognized the real me. And I'm in here somewhere. I just have to break through this fog. It's frustrating. I'm so close.
Jennifer
I really blew my own mind yesterday by going through an old photo album I stumbled across. There were pictures of me from like age 7 to 15- the age I morphed 100% into this monster. I, of course analyzed the hell out of every picture trying to figure out what went wrong and when.
I recognized the real me. And I'm in here somewhere. I just have to break through this fog. It's frustrating. I'm so close.
Jennifer
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Sounds like anxiety to me - at least, that's what it feels like when I'm experiencing high anxiety. Like I'm somehow watching myself converse with others, really really makes me uncomfortable. The good news is that your body's just trying to make some readjustments after all the hell you put your brain through these years. For every tweak that your brain makes, you end up being the guinea pig in the testing lab. Usually this levels out after a while - for some, it takes quite a while. I was over 1.5 years sober before I finally got back down to earth. Roll with it, and take it easy and don't fret too much, you'll be fine! If worse comes to worse, consult your doctor about some possible anxiety relief in the form of a medication that is safe for those suffering from alcoholism.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Originally Posted by heartcore
Yes! The loss of our little girl (or boy, if you're a fella) is where a lot of the keys are buried...
I was a happy, vital, curious, engaged child. Like many of us, some of the most joyous and connective aspects of my being were ground out of me by both actual trauma and the "behavioral guidance" of schools and grown-ups. I was quieted & made smaller. I was taught that friendliness was dangerous (sexual abuse stuff). I was trained to self protect. I was also given the message that my exuberance was not cool (tone it down...).
Drugs & alcohol allowed me to override many of those oppressive messages. By adolescence I realized that I could act however I chose when loaded, & that nothing hurt.
Quitting drinking & using for me means giving up my ability to "let loose & be my true self." In my professional world, I am a responsible & very well behaved grown-up - non-emotional, & never too loud...
Learning to reintegrate that young girl who was given so many distorted messages is the centerpiece of my sobriety work.
And yes, living a somewhat false self in a somewhat false world does feel like talking through glass.
Occasionally the glass wall rises and allows us through. Someday - I believe - it will shatter.
Then I will be true me and uncontainable.
I was a happy, vital, curious, engaged child. Like many of us, some of the most joyous and connective aspects of my being were ground out of me by both actual trauma and the "behavioral guidance" of schools and grown-ups. I was quieted & made smaller. I was taught that friendliness was dangerous (sexual abuse stuff). I was trained to self protect. I was also given the message that my exuberance was not cool (tone it down...).
Drugs & alcohol allowed me to override many of those oppressive messages. By adolescence I realized that I could act however I chose when loaded, & that nothing hurt.
Quitting drinking & using for me means giving up my ability to "let loose & be my true self." In my professional world, I am a responsible & very well behaved grown-up - non-emotional, & never too loud...
Learning to reintegrate that young girl who was given so many distorted messages is the centerpiece of my sobriety work.
And yes, living a somewhat false self in a somewhat false world does feel like talking through glass.
Occasionally the glass wall rises and allows us through. Someday - I believe - it will shatter.
Then I will be true me and uncontainable.
I relate strongly to all of that, could have wirtten it word for word
Let's hope all of us damaged children can shatter that glass.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I was also thinking of a form of anxiety that has dissociative elements -- look up "derealization / depersonlization" for descriptions of what I mean. Those categories very accurately describe how I felt in the past several times, what I referred to in my first post on this thread. I had it in response to drugs, consuming a lot of the artificial sweetener aspartame (that was the worst ever, I'm really sensitive to it and took me a while to find out what it was), alcohol withdrawal, very high level of acute shock/stress (what I referred to as traumatic experience), and following a situation that involved levels of emotional charge/response unusual for me. The latter combined with alcohol withdrawal was very intense also. I'm still a little scared of situations that have the potential to affect me emotionally that much, but this is something where therapy helped me very fast so no longer feel like avoiding it at all cost, actually in a way the opposite because I'm curious now and have not experienced anything like that for a good while It never lasted for me long, usually 1-2 days at a time, but based on what I've learned, these states can persist sometimes quite long for some people. If we are talking about the same thing, I really feel for you because it's scary. I did go to the doctors with these symptoms in the past.
What heartcore and JanieJ refer to also make sense, but different from my more acute experiences.
It never lasted for me long, usually 1-2 days at a time, but based on what I've learned, these states can persist sometimes quite long for some people. If we are talking about the same thing, I really feel for you because it's scary. I did go to the doctors with these symptoms in the past.What heartcore and JanieJ refer to also make sense, but different from my more acute experiences.
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