Magichappens

In Al-Anon I was taught to share my experience, strength, and hope. When I came in I was an expert at telling others what to do, but I hated for anyone to tell me what to do. I was taught that each person has the right and priviledge to make their own decisions. We are encouraged to learn to take responsibility for our own decisions, actions, and results. People may not do what I think they should. They may make decisions that have consequences that I wouldn't want. But by allowing someone to make their own choices allows them their dignity, helps them to build self esteem and self worth, and helps them to gain maturity.
Telling someone they should leave a relationship is advice. Telling someone that I left a relationship and what the benefits and consequences of that decision were is sharing my experience, strength and hope.
Telling someone to stay in a relationship is advice. Sharing how I gained serenity and happiness while staying in a relationship is sharing my experience, strength and hope.
Telling someone what to say or do in an alcoholic situation is advice. Telling someone what I have done in a similar situation is sharing.
These are just a few examples.
Each of us walks down a path that is uniquely ours. We make decisions that we feel are right for us. There are no cookie cutter answers, no right or wrong ways to live. My decisions may not be right for someone else. I try to encourage my fellow members to make their own decisions, whether they would be right for me or not. I don't judge others by my choices. In this way we can all grow in the way God intends for us to grow. I try to practice this for others because it has been a wonderful gift to me. I have been given the gift of dignity, self esteem and self worth because Al-Anon teaches that we don't give advice. Hugs, Magic

matters

Thank you for your wise words Magic once again! When I get to the place where you have arrived in your healing and recovery I will feel like I have accomplished a very important part of my journey! I have much growing to do.......and I shall continue!

Teggie

(((Magic))) hehe I could never give you enough hugs! You ought to write a book you know it? Your topic is one that I have been concentrating on alot lately. It was very hard for me not to stand up and spout off about what I think people should do. As a nurse I find myself giving advice each and everytime I'm at work, because part of my job is educating my patients. It's been hard to not do that in my personal and spiritual life. And regardless of what decisions I make or others make I see that everyone has to do that for themselves. We can only hope we are making the best ones we can. Thank you magic, this is an excellant topic to focus on. You always give me food for thought! Hugs!! Teggie

Magichappens

Thanks for the compliment. I don't deserve the credit. I get my knowlege second hand, like the rest of us anons. We can't use the anon literature to post, so I just pick topics from that lit and try to relate it to me. That is how I learn too. We share our ESH. Hugs, Magic

JT

Well said Magic and something I work on all the time. Giving advice is like breathing for me and a big part of the reason I am in recovery at all. There was a time when I knew what was right and wrong and when I couldn't orchestrate the people around me it created so much anxiety.

I have found that in a medium like we are on here it is looser and advice is given way too often. People come here asking for advice and they get it. At meetings the same people may want advice and what they get is ES&H which causes them confusion. I know I wasn't getting what I thought I wanted when I began going to meetings.

The beauty is that ES&H does get through...that is how the program has continued for as long as it has. You can't argue with success!

Hugs,
JT

Magichappens

Amen JT. You always hit the nail on the head. How can we learn to make our own decisions when people tell us exactly what to do? We don't have to take responsibility for the outcome, and if it isn't what we want, we can blame someone else. If it does turn out well, we don't get the self esteem or self worth, because we didn't make the decision. Either way, we don't get the benefits. I have to remember that when I am tempted to give advice. I am depriving someone of their own personal growth. Hugs, Magic

eveie

Just for today, I am here again.. I loved what you had to say, someone once told me the only difference between bitter and better is the "I" it took me awhile to get that, of course!...lol. I cried reading alot of the literature, and am learning some of the "rules" of the dos and donts but just wanted to say thanks for sharing that really cool post!! ((((((((magic))))))))

Daffodil

Well, stated Magic, I do have to admit that I was one of those who wanted advice when I came into al-anon. I was so tired of trying to do and say the right thing. All I wanted was for someone else to live my life even for a few days. I didn't realize that my H.P. had given me that life for me to live for myself, not for anyone else.
I soon learned I have an over developed sense of responsibility which lead me to believe I had to have the answers for everyone.
What a relief to know I only need the answers for me.
Very good topic.