the battle within
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
the battle within
I am referring to my battle with extreme anxiety over the uncertainty of the future.
So I am about 50 years old and almost a year ago, I met my now wife of 9 months. We met and hit it off spectacularly. We spent huge amounts of time together, fell in love, and married shortly thereafter. It was not the first marriage for either of us. In fact, for me, it is my third marriage. My first ended with my then wife having multiple affairs on me. My second, which was shorter lived, ended when my then wife turned to alcohol to help manage crushing pressures from being a child and family therapist. And now I am married to a woman who is struggling with alcohol as well as a newly diagnosed secondary disorder, bipolar disorder. (As an aside, I would like to add that there was approximately 2 years of time between the end of my last marriage and when I met my wife. I dated some folks, was alone and happy for some period of time, and honestly thought I would never get married again by choice.)
I did not see this coming at all initially. My wife and I had (have?) an awesome marriage on every level except that I noticed she could not stop drinking wine once she started. As I paid more attention to it, eventually I asked her if she could please cut back. That's when I realized that I had pulled the tail of the proverbial tiger. She would hear none of it. She said that I was attempting to change her and/or be controlling and that she was not going to change for anyone. I could accept her or not.
Over time, anxiety began to build for both of us. For her, that meant hiding behind alcohol a little more. For me, it was the beginning of the erosion of trust. Eventually, the immovable object and the irresistible force collided and she hit what she calls her bottom She felt like she would rather be alone for the rest of her life and not ever have to answer to anyone instead of be with me, who is quite possibly one of the first people in her life to ever truly love her. On her way out the door, she had a change of heart and decided that she and a problem with alcohol and needed help.
She went to detox and now has been in inpatient recovery for nearly two weeks. Her therapist is thinking about bringing me in for a family therapy session next week, but is being somewhat cryptic about what I may hear during that session. My anxiety is growing immensely because of this. My wife and I communicate by email every day and most days talk at least a little on the phone. Without prompting from me, she tells me that she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I want to believe her, but then again, she is an alcoholic in the very early stages of recovery dealing with a lot of stuff. I won't pretend to even begin to comprehend everything she is dealing with. Like me, she had a prior marriage in which her spouse repeatedly cheated on her, followed by a brief marriage to someone who is clearly an alcoholic.
The bottom line is that I think we both have fear of abandonment issues. Well, I know we do. I am actively seeking help to address that and everything that has gone on, but I won't even have my first appt with a counselor for a few more days. Meanwhile, I have now awoken in the dead of night twice with a panic attack over my growing anxiety that she will throw in the towel on us. I know that I am powerless, as is she, over persons, places, and things, including alcoholism. I am trying to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can if only to calm my fear. Fighting this disease with her for the rest of my life with her would no doubt be very very difficult, but I think living without her in my life would be even more difficult. I am trying to self-soothe and relax, but it is very very hard sometimes. I feel like I am suffering from some form of PTSD or hyper-anxiety.
So I am looking for suggestions from folks who have been there to help me with ideas that helped them. Also, can I trust what my wife says she feels at this point with any reliability at all? Am I likely being paranoid with what her counsellor told me? Part of me wants to ask the counsellor directly if my wife has expressed any desire/need to take a step back from the marriage, but another part of me thinks the counsellor would tell me nothing whatsoever (even though there is a release of information to me on file). I can't stop shaking and I can tell it is getting worse each day. What are everyone's thoughts on the matter?
Sorry about the long post and that it might not logically flow together so nicely. I am trying my best though.
So I am about 50 years old and almost a year ago, I met my now wife of 9 months. We met and hit it off spectacularly. We spent huge amounts of time together, fell in love, and married shortly thereafter. It was not the first marriage for either of us. In fact, for me, it is my third marriage. My first ended with my then wife having multiple affairs on me. My second, which was shorter lived, ended when my then wife turned to alcohol to help manage crushing pressures from being a child and family therapist. And now I am married to a woman who is struggling with alcohol as well as a newly diagnosed secondary disorder, bipolar disorder. (As an aside, I would like to add that there was approximately 2 years of time between the end of my last marriage and when I met my wife. I dated some folks, was alone and happy for some period of time, and honestly thought I would never get married again by choice.)
I did not see this coming at all initially. My wife and I had (have?) an awesome marriage on every level except that I noticed she could not stop drinking wine once she started. As I paid more attention to it, eventually I asked her if she could please cut back. That's when I realized that I had pulled the tail of the proverbial tiger. She would hear none of it. She said that I was attempting to change her and/or be controlling and that she was not going to change for anyone. I could accept her or not.
Over time, anxiety began to build for both of us. For her, that meant hiding behind alcohol a little more. For me, it was the beginning of the erosion of trust. Eventually, the immovable object and the irresistible force collided and she hit what she calls her bottom She felt like she would rather be alone for the rest of her life and not ever have to answer to anyone instead of be with me, who is quite possibly one of the first people in her life to ever truly love her. On her way out the door, she had a change of heart and decided that she and a problem with alcohol and needed help.
She went to detox and now has been in inpatient recovery for nearly two weeks. Her therapist is thinking about bringing me in for a family therapy session next week, but is being somewhat cryptic about what I may hear during that session. My anxiety is growing immensely because of this. My wife and I communicate by email every day and most days talk at least a little on the phone. Without prompting from me, she tells me that she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I want to believe her, but then again, she is an alcoholic in the very early stages of recovery dealing with a lot of stuff. I won't pretend to even begin to comprehend everything she is dealing with. Like me, she had a prior marriage in which her spouse repeatedly cheated on her, followed by a brief marriage to someone who is clearly an alcoholic.
The bottom line is that I think we both have fear of abandonment issues. Well, I know we do. I am actively seeking help to address that and everything that has gone on, but I won't even have my first appt with a counselor for a few more days. Meanwhile, I have now awoken in the dead of night twice with a panic attack over my growing anxiety that she will throw in the towel on us. I know that I am powerless, as is she, over persons, places, and things, including alcoholism. I am trying to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can if only to calm my fear. Fighting this disease with her for the rest of my life with her would no doubt be very very difficult, but I think living without her in my life would be even more difficult. I am trying to self-soothe and relax, but it is very very hard sometimes. I feel like I am suffering from some form of PTSD or hyper-anxiety.
So I am looking for suggestions from folks who have been there to help me with ideas that helped them. Also, can I trust what my wife says she feels at this point with any reliability at all? Am I likely being paranoid with what her counsellor told me? Part of me wants to ask the counsellor directly if my wife has expressed any desire/need to take a step back from the marriage, but another part of me thinks the counsellor would tell me nothing whatsoever (even though there is a release of information to me on file). I can't stop shaking and I can tell it is getting worse each day. What are everyone's thoughts on the matter?
Sorry about the long post and that it might not logically flow together so nicely. I am trying my best though.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by honeybadger 
. Fighting this disease with her for the rest of my life with her would no doubt be very very difficult, but I think living without her in my life would be even more difficult. I am trying my best though.
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you are feeling this way. The statement above concerns me. This is HER fight - not your fight. I am sorry if that seems harsh but the one thing I have learned from this program is to take care of YOU. That is key to your marriage.
I have been married to my AH for 17 years, we have been together for 19. We have been to some really dark and scary places. His first trip to rehab lasted a week and we meet with his counselor who suggested I go to Al-Anon. I tell you I hated the idea. My thought was "He is the one with the problem". Over time I came to realize that my co-dependency was not helping our twisted situation. He has been in and out of rehab for over 13 years. He has stopped drinking and started drinking, etc. In fact, here lately our lives have been so functional it is almost "scary". I know the problem is still there. He may not binge drink any more but he still drinks. I let HIS drinking chip away at my serenity over the past 9+ years and did not actively seek help for myself. Overtime I became bitter and my co-dependency became out of control. I came back to Al-Anon this January and it has changed my attitude. I am not bitter and we have had some really pleasant evenings, conversations and family time. I have no idea when or if he is still drinking (he hides sometimes) but I know that since I am working on my program and not minding HIS business I feel better. Is my future secure - who knows, but I cannot spend the rest of my life in Fear and Worry. One Day at a Time my friend.
I am not sure if this will help you but I thought I would share.
**{Hugs}} to you and best of luck with finding the right program to help you cope. You are in the right place, keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Good morning and Welcome to SR HoneyB,
Your post is very thoughtful. indeed fear of abandonment is a good place to start. I am glad you have a counselor lined up for yourself.
This whole relationship and alcoholic trajectory happened in a year? And you each have identical failed marriages between you of cheating and alcoholism? No wonder why you are now having anxiety.
Personally I will make a list of things that have each in part helped me-
1. SR. These people are smart.
2. Codependent No More by Beattie
3. Run or heavy exercise. Enough to be wiped out at night.
4. Bedtime routine. Herbal tea, melatonin, read,meditate, lights out.
5. Al Anon attendance
6. Learning to meditate. Then doing it a lot, like daily.
7. Working Steps 1-3.
8. Individual counseling. Fairly intensive work on family of origin and my past.
9. Staying out of my spouse's head & Staying in my own, though it may be difficult.
10. Patience
There is a mental health and adult child of alcoholic boards here too. Read and study.
Your post is very thoughtful. indeed fear of abandonment is a good place to start. I am glad you have a counselor lined up for yourself.
This whole relationship and alcoholic trajectory happened in a year? And you each have identical failed marriages between you of cheating and alcoholism? No wonder why you are now having anxiety.
Personally I will make a list of things that have each in part helped me-
1. SR. These people are smart.
2. Codependent No More by Beattie
3. Run or heavy exercise. Enough to be wiped out at night.
4. Bedtime routine. Herbal tea, melatonin, read,meditate, lights out.
5. Al Anon attendance
6. Learning to meditate. Then doing it a lot, like daily.
7. Working Steps 1-3.
8. Individual counseling. Fairly intensive work on family of origin and my past.
9. Staying out of my spouse's head & Staying in my own, though it may be difficult.
10. Patience
There is a mental health and adult child of alcoholic boards here too. Read and study.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Welcome Honeybadger!
My husband who is a recovering alcoholic also has Bi-polar disease. I am very glad that your wife was diagnosed and is receiving treatment for this. Underlying mental issues are commonly found with addicts and alcoholics. Treatment of the Bi-Polar should help (I hope) in her road to sobriety.
Codejob really covered the gamut of things you should be doing. I am really sorry you are experiencing such anxiety over the situation. I think it is VERY normal to be asked to participate in a family session.
As far as your wife ad what she feels as being sincere - alcoholics do have a FOG about their heads in early recovery. I don't think this means for you that your wife has made decisions to leave the marriage and has not told you. Keep in mind that she is also being treated for bi-polar - that takes time too. its seldom that the medication is right on the mark, and will most likely have to be adjusted over time.
Al Anon would be a tremendous help for you now - as well as CJ's advice to stay out of your wife's head an in your own.
My husband who is a recovering alcoholic also has Bi-polar disease. I am very glad that your wife was diagnosed and is receiving treatment for this. Underlying mental issues are commonly found with addicts and alcoholics. Treatment of the Bi-Polar should help (I hope) in her road to sobriety.
Codejob really covered the gamut of things you should be doing. I am really sorry you are experiencing such anxiety over the situation. I think it is VERY normal to be asked to participate in a family session.
As far as your wife ad what she feels as being sincere - alcoholics do have a FOG about their heads in early recovery. I don't think this means for you that your wife has made decisions to leave the marriage and has not told you. Keep in mind that she is also being treated for bi-polar - that takes time too. its seldom that the medication is right on the mark, and will most likely have to be adjusted over time.
Al Anon would be a tremendous help for you now - as well as CJ's advice to stay out of your wife's head an in your own.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
Thank you all for your candid answers.
Knowthetriggers, your concern is well taken, and I should know better. It is indeed her fight. Or at least that is what I keep consciously telling myself. But since I typed it, I wonder if subconsciously I am trying to take it on too.
Please keep the responses coming. Also, another question: based I what I have written, am I codependent? I din't think so, but concede I am not necessarily the best person to know. And if I am, why?
Knowthetriggers, your concern is well taken, and I should know better. It is indeed her fight. Or at least that is what I keep consciously telling myself. But since I typed it, I wonder if subconsciously I am trying to take it on too.
Please keep the responses coming. Also, another question: based I what I have written, am I codependent? I din't think so, but concede I am not necessarily the best person to know. And if I am, why?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by honeybadger
Thank you all for your candid answers.
Knowthetriggers, your concern is well taken, and I should know better. It is indeed her fight. Or at least that is what I keep consciously telling myself. But since I typed it, I wonder if subconsciously I am trying to take it on too.
Please keep the responses coming. Also, another question: based I what I have written, am I codependent? I din't think so, but concede I am not necessarily the best person to know. And if I am, why?
Knowthetriggers, your concern is well taken, and I should know better. It is indeed her fight. Or at least that is what I keep consciously telling myself. But since I typed it, I wonder if subconsciously I am trying to take it on too.
Please keep the responses coming. Also, another question: based I what I have written, am I codependent? I din't think so, but concede I am not necessarily the best person to know. And if I am, why?
Keep coming back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by knowthetriggers
I think you may have answered your own question there. The "why" can be answered only by you as you work your program.
Keep coming back
Keep coming back
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not really fond of "diagnosing" someone as co-dependent just because they are involved with an alcoholic and eager to help him/her. I think almost anyone in that situation displays some behaviors that are considered co-dependent, but some of us more easily abandon those behaviors as we learn more. For some people--especially (but not only) those who grew up in alcoholic families--the behaviors/attitudes are more ingrained, and it takes a lot more work to overcome them.
Maybe it's like the difference between a heavy drinker who is able to cut down/quit without too much hassle vs. the alcoholic. I dunno.
Maybe it's like the difference between a heavy drinker who is able to cut down/quit without too much hassle vs. the alcoholic. I dunno.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I looked up the basic definition of codependency:
Are you making a lot of life sacrifices for her in her illness without getting much in return? Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with her in spite of them? Are you giving support to her at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?
I know that until I pursued major changes in my life, the primary emotion I experienced in a relationship was anxiety, and I was unable to find emotional fulfillment without my partner's presence and input.
excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.
I know that until I pursued major changes in my life, the primary emotion I experienced in a relationship was anxiety, and I was unable to find emotional fulfillment without my partner's presence and input.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
honeybadger,
So sorry for all thats going on in your life. I would suggest you take CJ's advice and read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. I finally finished it and I can tell you, even though I was originally offended to think so, I am codependent. It will help you evaluate yourself and make your own conclusion. It will also help you to stop the patterns that make you codependent and therefore a healthier you.
Take care of YOU first and foremost..Hugs
So sorry for all thats going on in your life. I would suggest you take CJ's advice and read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. I finally finished it and I can tell you, even though I was originally offended to think so, I am codependent. It will help you evaluate yourself and make your own conclusion. It will also help you to stop the patterns that make you codependent and therefore a healthier you.
Take care of YOU first and foremost..Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'm not really fond of "diagnosing" someone as co-dependent just because they are involved with an alcoholic and eager to help him/her. I think almost anyone in that situation displays some behaviors that are considered co-dependent, but some of us more easily abandon those behaviors as we learn more. For some people--especially (but not only) those who grew up in alcoholic families--the behaviors/attitudes are more ingrained, and it takes a lot more work to overcome them.
Maybe it's like the difference between a heavy drinker who is able to cut down/quit without too much hassle vs. the alcoholic. I dunno.
Maybe it's like the difference between a heavy drinker who is able to cut down/quit without too much hassle vs. the alcoholic. I dunno.
What LexieCat said is true, it was not my intention to try to diagnose you and if I did then I apologize. Codependent No More is a fantastic read and a great place to start.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Goodmorning.
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. I think people get really caught up in labels when it does not really matter. Her behavior has disturbed her life and yours too in a very negative way. It's great that she is getting help, but she is very early on.
One of the issues with bipolar is that it's an ongoing battle. One must truly realize that they have to do things to control their own disease. Medication, rest, exercise, NO DRINKING AT ALL, all sorts of things. It cycles and one has to be in control of themselves during that cycle or it spins out of control, quickly.
So what I am going to say is to get yourself good support. Let her get the help she needs, and pray for her that she will continue to take charge of her own recovery. Watch her actions over the long term and decide things from there. In the mean time, keep working on you so that if things change and you need to make changes in your life you are strong enough to do so.
You are in the right place, SR will offer you great support!
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. I think people get really caught up in labels when it does not really matter. Her behavior has disturbed her life and yours too in a very negative way. It's great that she is getting help, but she is very early on.
One of the issues with bipolar is that it's an ongoing battle. One must truly realize that they have to do things to control their own disease. Medication, rest, exercise, NO DRINKING AT ALL, all sorts of things. It cycles and one has to be in control of themselves during that cycle or it spins out of control, quickly.
So what I am going to say is to get yourself good support. Let her get the help she needs, and pray for her that she will continue to take charge of her own recovery. Watch her actions over the long term and decide things from there. In the mean time, keep working on you so that if things change and you need to make changes in your life you are strong enough to do so.
You are in the right place, SR will offer you great support!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Honeybadger, I am so sorry for your situation. One good thing to come from your story, is my renewed resolve to remain single/celibate for the rest of my life. I fully own and realize that my "picker" is broken, and so is my sexuality.
I am very happy in this state, and can freely give myself fully to God and others in service.
Good luck to you. Please keep coming back!
I am very happy in this state, and can freely give myself fully to God and others in service.
Good luck to you. Please keep coming back!
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
I truly understand your place of anxiety. I know it all too well actually. :/
What helps me in these situations is to go through a process.
1. You can't control what decision she makes (acceptance)
2. Envision ALL scenarios related to this anxiety, and plan for them. Plan to accept whatever decision she makes.
How this would work for me is like this.
I anticipate she is going to reject me. I have no control or choice in THAT decision. Although I am not hapoy, I will be accepting. I will turn her over to my HP as I understand him/her/it, and let thy will be done. I will respond by saying" this saddens and hurts me deeply but I understand". Then let your HP take over.
Then I envision best case scenario, where she does not reject. I also envision the response I have to that.
I find envisioning and preparing for all scenarios leaves me more confident in myself and actions when and if they do happen. Somehow it greatly lessons they anxiety. Anxiety comes from fear. Fear can come from unknown. When you can replace the unknowns with A, B or C, it greatly cancels out the anxiety.
What helps me in these situations is to go through a process.
1. You can't control what decision she makes (acceptance)
2. Envision ALL scenarios related to this anxiety, and plan for them. Plan to accept whatever decision she makes.
How this would work for me is like this.
I anticipate she is going to reject me. I have no control or choice in THAT decision. Although I am not hapoy, I will be accepting. I will turn her over to my HP as I understand him/her/it, and let thy will be done. I will respond by saying" this saddens and hurts me deeply but I understand". Then let your HP take over.
Then I envision best case scenario, where she does not reject. I also envision the response I have to that.
I find envisioning and preparing for all scenarios leaves me more confident in myself and actions when and if they do happen. Somehow it greatly lessons they anxiety. Anxiety comes from fear. Fear can come from unknown. When you can replace the unknowns with A, B or C, it greatly cancels out the anxiety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and support. I have picked up Codependent No More as well as a book called Emotional Sobriety. I am going to dive into these books, as well as follow some of the other advice here.
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