Findingtheway

So today makes 3 days of sobriety that i've hung onto by the skin of my teeth.

I had to take the last 3 days OFF work to get them. My last drink proceeded to have me pass right out. Total Blackout...My GF took pictures of me. Talk about a comatose corpse.

I woke up with a massive bruise on my right hand side of my leg. And on day 2 of these 3 days it was filled with MASSIVE runaway train remorse...anxiety and uncontrollable compulsive thoughts. I still wanted to go out and buy more! That wast the impulse!

If my girlfriend hadn't come over i may indeed have killed myself with the amount of whiskey i consumed. She poured half the bottle out.

I'm back in work today...Back calling my sponsor everyday. Dreading speaking to my boss. I've already taken down all the numbers from my company phone...Because i'm scared today might be the day they say either resign or quit.

Did i mention i'm supposed to move into my new apartment 1 week from today?....My GF is super pissed off at me...Which makes me pissed off at her...Which makes me want to drink more...

As well i was supposed to enjoy a pizza dinner with my sister tonight...But i told her i NEED to go to a meeting instead. I haven't told her about this past week. So she's pissed at me for cancelling on her. Makes me seethe AGAIN.


No one knows but myself, my GF...Well my sponsor and my recovery consellor (I'm in an aftercare session group.) I ran up to see him yesterday with my GF convinced...He would tell me to sign back into the program.

And his words threw me...*You're actually getting better.*

Why?...WHAT?...Because i HAD close to 3 months sober?

Because i KNEW these 2 weeks away from the office by myself had danger written all over them...and i DID not act on my plan to avoid this?

Not to mention...I might have had borderline DT's from this...At about 2 AM on Day 2...I was convinced there zombies breaking down my GF's bedroom door to get me...Talking walking dead stuff here.

Today is better. I'm able to communicate. I'm pissing everyone off by lack of stability to be sure...

Need to take action again. I'll be jobless...And in a new apartment with a 1 year lease to pay regardless in a week!

DoloresHaze

I'm going through a tough time too, so I understand. The compulsive thoughts are what break me down and allow me to make excuses to buy alcohol.

Good luck

Anna

I hope that you talk to your dr or go to an ER if you continue to be concerned about the physical symptoms.

Do you know why you made the choice to drink after 3 months sober? I think it's important to figure that out so you can learn and move forward.

I'm glad that you're feeling better today.

Opivotal

Acceptance was key for me. There was NOT one time that alcohol solved a problem, made my life better or gave me peace of mind.

I also accepted it was time for ME to change. Emotions are meant to be felt, not in a drunken haze but clear headed. Alcohol exacerbated everything, so much drama and skewered thinking.

Life is full of goodness, you can make yours better, Findingtheway. Give yourself a chance, you deserve it.

Findingtheway

exacerbated

Sweet lord...When i'm fueled on anxiety from drinking etc...My mind seems to LATCH onto words and repeat them over and OVER and OVVVVER.

This word : exacerbated probably said in my mind over a thousand times in the past day or two.

I couldn't turn it OFF!

Thankfully it's alot better today. Alcohol really does make everything worse.

And i mean EVERYTHING.

Soberwolf

Hi Finding i think making an apt with Dr or going ER to get checked out is a good idea

Finding its acceptance that keeps me sober and it will keep you sober

I suggest revising your sobriety plan add some things switch it up a bit

Behind you 110% bud you can do this

Soberwolf

Hope you feel better DH

SoberLeigh

You can turn these feelings around, Finding, and re-establish renewed enthusiasm for sobriety. Your enthusiasm was so inspirational.

I will continue the theme in the above posts that rock-solid, unconditional acceptance that alcohol is out forever is key.

Write a list of all of the negative effects that alcohol has had on your life - every hangover, every embarrassment, every disappointment, every strained relationship, every loss,every unrealized dream. . . . Read it every day. Write a list of everything you wish to accomplish, every relationship you wish to maintain, every place you want to visit. . . . Read that every day, too.

Renew that enthusiasm that has been so uniquely Findtheway.

You can do this.

jryan19982

My last relapse sucked bad, and the recovery time after that relapse binge seemed much worse than before. I think each time we relapse the recovery is worse than the time before- as in everything takes longer and all the pains and troubles seem magnified. But make no mistake, you are on a the right track, and you are moving in the right direction after a slip up that we all have made one time or anther.

You anxiety levels are due to withdrawals and the emotional stress that your drinking binge has caused you, your sister, and your GF. But again make no mistake, if you keep moving forward this will soon be behind you. Use all the bad things that have come of this as a stepping stone to get you to keep moving forward with your sobriety. I had close to 8 weeks, and then slipped up, just a little at first, but that turned into the same old same old every day drinking.

So did you just drink because you were bored?

JanieJ

I' ll also echo acceptance.

If you can get round to thinking that drinking is no longer an option, it makes things easier.

Hang in there, Finding.

Findingtheway

Alone. Apartment to myself...Girlfriend stayed home sick. Alone with my thoughts. Should have went to AA or called a friend over.

Just had a frank discussion with my immediate Manager. And just went to an afternoon meeting where i actually shared about my experiences these past 2 weeks.

Feeling emotionally beat to hell. But i am sober.

Physically feeling OK. Just about to eat. Small steps.

Today is my 3rd day of sobriety. Going to a 2nd AA meeting tonight.

SoberLeigh

Loneliness and boredom can be triggers.

I think the trick is finding that level of contentment with yourself, that 'place' within where aloneness does not equate to loneliness.

Easier said than done, I know.

Just another step along the path to recovery - acquiring reactions to triggers.

Soberwolf

You should print this post to keep so you can remind yourself of what to do if you suffer cravings again

Well done Finding its not easy but i know you can do this

Findingtheway

That my friend SoberWolf is a brilliant idea. Printing a copy of it now.

Putting it in my wallet.

Arbor

You always used to say, "Play the tape forward." It's really good advice. It works.

You ended up in the hospital due to drinking. Write that down and post it where you can see it.

Sorry your having such a hard time FTW. You've shown you can do it. Almost three months is proof. Good luck.

Eshgham

I'm glad your back. I hate that feeling. Thoughts, heart racing ... nowhere feels comfortable, and you just want release. It's awful, but you're strong. Keep going man.

jryan19982

Cool man... yup back to baby steps, but they are steps going forward. You got this.