leighqt

This is going to sound ridiculous but am struggling with this. Five years ago I was a regular member of AA with 2.5 yrs sobreity, but I started to get resentments about the fellowship , I thought I had enough knowledge of the program to do it alone and left the fellowship.

I remember one of the issues was I felt like a fraud being in those rooms "that I wasn't REALLY alcoholic, yet I really identified with most that was being said. At that point in my drinking career I had experienced a fair bit of ****, but not the "yets"

Fast forward to today I have now experienced these "yets" am returning to the fellowship , after what some may/ may not call a five year relapse.

As a person I tend to turn a blind eye to the things that make me feel uncomfortable, acknowledging that I am Alcoholic (that word, feels me with dread) I guess I need to work out what that fear is.

I can admit that I am a problem drinker, that the effect alcohol has on me more often than not produces undesirable effects.

Now I have wrote this I don't even know what my question is. Can anyone identify with me on this ?

SoberLeigh

For me, acceptance that I was absolutely an alcoholic was key to my sobriety and recovery.

It was a devastating admission but denial was standing solidly in the way of a better me and a better life.

I am now comfortable in my alcoholic skin and very happy in sobriety and recovery. My alcoholism IS what it IS; my drinking WAS what it WAS.

leighqt

Can you suggest anything I can do practically to help with my denial, I have started attending meeting again, reading from Bit book, 12 and 12, am going to use some cbt techniques around this, have been listening to some good AA talks on YouTube.

Thanks for your reply btw

headcase1

Assolutely! But I have to face up to the fact that if I choose to drink It will be like playing Russian roulette. I grew up in Wisconsin, beer country.You had to drink to be a man.Then in the 70's my Uncle joined AA & he was tough as nails!I'm 6'6" 290lbs & not ashamed to say that I cannot drink alcohol. Something about me & alcohol just do not mix.It takes more strength,courage & willpower to stay away from drinking than it does to drink.It's hard to miss me when I walk into a room,I'll go head to head with any person who threatens my family but now I know not to take on the bottle because it could kill me.Thanks for letting me join in,Good luck to you!

SoberLeigh

There are some on-line quizzes you can take that give you an indicator of alcoholism. I used to take those before I committed to sobriety (found a way to still deny I was an alcoholic and continue with my drinking but the results stuck in my mind). I read the recommendations of the AMA for healthy drinking habits (far exceeded the recommendations) but still kept drinking. I compared myself to other drinkers and thought "I am not as bad as that" and kept on drinking. I was firmly in denial.

Denial is definitely an enemy and a formidable one.

Have you tried making a list of the pros and cons of drinking; when I did that, I found the cons far, far outweighed the benefits (and the benefits were rather shallow).

leighqt

Do you know what I mean when I say the knowledge doesn't work for me, am thinking along the lines of "a peculiar mental twist"

GracieLou

Is being or admitting you are an alcoholic the only way that you will stop drinking?

There are many people that are not alcoholics that choose, for whatever reason, that they want to stop drinking and they can. They may use prayer, will power, self help books etc. and they are able to stop with a little difficulty but the mental obsession is not there so they stop and go about their lives. Some never pick up again, others only in times of stress or difficulties but they can get back on the sober path without their lives and relationships falling part around them.

The question you need to ask yourself is that if you have tried these other things and you have not been successful then maybe you are an alcoholic and only treatment for alcoholism will work.

You are not a fraud. AA is for anyone with a desire to stop drinking whether they identify as an alcoholic or not.

leighqt

I know for a fact that I cannot safely take alcohol it really isn't good for me it turns me into a raving lunatic ,has taken far more from me than its has ever given me. I know that over the years I am getting worse , I know that if I had the opportunity I would be drinking much much more than what I do, i have alcohol dependency on my medical records (boy did I get pissed off about that), have tried doing online test again , it says high likely you are alcoholic.

So how does one find acceptance , the ability to accept the fact in their hearts, with sufficient strength to move forward ?

Do you think maybe I should get out my resentments and fears sheets and take a look at what's holding me back from getting a good step one?

SoberLeigh

I have never been to AA so I can't respond from experience. Based on what AA members have said here, and from what my two rea-life friend's who are long time AA members, the Steps provide great personal introspection.

Giving the Steps all you've got sounds like a really good plan.

GracieLou

I think getting out your sheets would be helpful.

Acceptance was the key for me. I said for years I was an alcoholic but I was a "functioning" alcoholic so I felt that gave me a pass not to do anything about it.

It was not until I was barely functioning that I finally just said "I am an alcoholic" and once I could say that, then I had the slap I needed to get help.

You do not have to reach a horrible physical, mental or emotional bottom to start getting help.

If you have your BB then open it up, if you have your sheets, read them, if you want sobriety, then go to a meeting.

It all starts with day one and many people do get sober that had not accepted they were an alcoholic from day 1 or day 101. It is your journey and it is not going to be the same as anyone else's.

leighqt

Fortunately I still have my books, step sheets etc so tonight I will put some pen to paper

Turtle82

Go over to that section here at SR and read our stories. If you don't see yourself there it would be surprising. This is, of course, if you want to.

Gottalife

Perhaps I would think about what it means to be alcoholic, and what it doesn't mean.
Being alcoholic is not a criminal offense, nor a moral weakness, or a matter of choice. It is an illness that affects all kinds of people from all walks of life. It chose you, you didn't chose it. It is progressive and terminal unless arrested. There is no cure nor any medical solution.

On my first sober attempts, I had the doubts expressed in this thread. I really hoped that my problems would turn out to be of some other cause, even mental illlness was preferable to alcoholism. I followed the advice in the big book. I stepped into the nearest bar and tried some controlled drinking. It was worth it to get a true knowledge of my condition. It was only by overcoming the denial that I became willing to take the action needed to recover.

The seeds of relapse were always present for as long as I held onto to the delusion that one day I could drink like other people.

Acceptance is a word I could not grasp in respect of alcoholism. Passively accepting it got me no where. For me, I think, if I have admission (identify the problem) and action (on the solution) then I am getting somewhere near acceptance. But action on a solution without clearly understanding the problem will be half hearted at best.

Eddiebuckle

I think it's important to "get" the first step before you move on, otherwise you are really only checking boxes on a list.

"I know for a fact that I cannot safely take alcohol it really isn't good for me it turns me into a raving lunatic"

This ^^^ sounds like a pretty decent description of "powerless over alcohol." Is the problem that you forget or ignore this? If so, you are certainly not the first person who has had that experience. Given a little time, space, and peace from the BS that alcohol creates in our lives, it can be easy to gloss over the negatives it put in our lives. We convince ourselves that this time will be different, or that we're only doing this once and will not pick up again. And so we drink, and the cycle repeats...

For me, acceptance is not a one time thing... we must permanently accept it - like we accept the color of our eyes. It is who we are and will never change. It is not a judgment with shame or stigma attached to it - it simply is, and will not change tomorrow or ever. Once you get that, and understand that the escape/relief alcohol gave us is no longer an option, in no small way are you faced with a real conundrum: how do I get through the rest of my days? Don't you people realize what it's like inside this head??? Without alcohol, I have no relief!

THAT is powerlessness. And when you understand it in that light - the need for step 2 is obvious.

tomsteve

hmmm... Step study and bb study meetings may be helpful
A sponsor that has worked the steps may be helpful
Relating to what the BB and others thinking is/ was may be helpful.
And a thought I'm thinkin is to look at step one:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol...
Not
We admitted we were alcoholics.

the chapters " there is a solution" and " more about alcoholism" go into some detail about the thinking

Alcohol was but a symptom.
And denial,IMO, can be a symptom.

leighqt

Eddiebuckle you have it spot on, over time I forget / become complacent that I am powerless over alcohol

Eddiebuckle

Leighqt,

You have plenty of company on this one... and regardless of the method/program you use to get and stay sober, we never graduate from the disease. Some apparently need less effort than others to stay sober, but on some level or another everyone who crosses that invisible line into alcoholism needs to remain conscious of their sobriety to maintain it. People with far more time than you or I have made the same mistake; don't beat yourself up about it, simply learn the lesson and move on.

Good luck, and keep posting!

leighqt

Thanks perhaps this has been a valuable learning tool for me and maybe the experience will benefit others, as well as myself

skg

I tended to analyze the symptoms and even get outside opinions (physicians and pshrynks), take the tests, and try to compare my insides with others' outsides for a long time--and it got me hammered every day. How could I be a drunk? The sleep under bridges, in boxes, push shopping carts around, etc. I certain wasn't like that.

Yet (as you say).

When I visited AA for the first time they said I didn't need to be an alcoholic, I simply needed to want to stop drinking. That was the first time someone suggested I focus on the solution rather than the problem.

I've attended that meeting, and many hundreds more, ever since. Because I have a tendancy to focus on the problem rather than the solution and, if you're familiar with Dr. Paul's predicament in "Acceptance Was the Answer," he suggested that when focusing on the problem, the problem gets bigger; when focusing on the solution, the solution gets bigger.

I learned to stop comparing my drinking with everyone else, and compare my spiritual connectivity with those who had what I wanted. I suggest you don't worry about the labels, and try the steps simply to learn a completely new design for living. What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work, you can go back to the problem and your misery will be refunded (times seven).



Stop trying to find the seam in the ball bearing and get into action. More will be revealed.