It wasn't so bad
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
It wasn't so bad
Really. It wasn't. He's been here for almost 3 hours. He first talked to the boys -- they said nothing. He apologized every which way one could apologize. Asked them for forgiveness. Hugged them and let them go their way. I know the boys didn't really want to hear what he had to say but they listened and moved on. I am glad that he told them that his addiction wasn't their fault and never has been and has never been about them though he is sorry it causes the so much pain. He apologized for embarrassing them in front of friends, girlfriends, at games and other functions. He *promised* if he ever drinks again he will not be around them and will stay away, but he didn't promise he would never drink again, just that he would continue working on sobriety. Ok.
The boys left and it was just the two of us. He cried after they left the room. Our talk went better than I thought it would. I told him I didn't want him back home and that I am looking for ways to protect myself from his drinking and driving. Told him my options and one of them is a legal separation. He said ok. Whatever I want and need. I told him I didn't want us spending money on a hotel nightly - we're just waisting money doing that and that I'm happy to move to my grandparents home but that I'll need a few things done to it to make it livable. After talking that over a bit he told me he didn't want me and the boys living over there and preferred it if he stayed there instead. That may be what we do. He wasn't even angry. I'm thankful for the calm talk.
He is going to AA. I don't have any proof other than he is clearly sober this evening. I learned something interesting, his little brother does know about his addiction and he has been in contact daily with his brother since Saturday. Now, more interesting, his mother, who doesn't know he is an alcoholic, is coming this weekend to see our boys play in a tournament. I asked him where she will be staying because he isn't coming home. He said he may put her up in a hotel with him because my grandparents home isn't quite suitable for her to stay and he may have to let her know what is going on with him. It will be his problem.
I will be going to my first Celebrate Recovery 12 step program on Thursday night and he agreed to come and be with the boys that evening as well as next Wednesday night for my bunco group and future CR nights. Of course, only if he is sober.
I'm just a little bit in shock. I wasn't very emotional. I said what I needed to say and he wasn't shocked or angry. He was agreeable to not wanting a divorce and wants to work on our marriage even if that means we have to separate, legally separate, or whatever so we can work on it. He asked me if things were calmer without him home and I truthfully answered yes, there is way less stress for everyone. I really thought I was going to be in for a bit of a fight. But I know him well enough to know that tonight he was sincere. For tonight anyway. Who knows after a period of time if he will still be so cooperative, but for now he is. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that I had the strength to say what I needed to, no matter how hard it was, and I'm thankful that he heard me clearly. Maybe something good will come out of this.
I'm also thankful that he apologized for the way he has treated me. He has never done that. He told the boys he was sorry they've had to witness the way he has treated me and that it isn't the way a husband should treat or speak to their wife then apologized for being a bad example all around.
Did he say all the right things? Yeah. Am I glad? Yeah. They were things I've never heard him say, especially not to his sons. Does it mean anything? I don't know, time and actions will tell. All I know is that I'm maintaining a safe distance until further notice, but I'll be happy for the little nuggets I received tonight.
The boys left and it was just the two of us. He cried after they left the room. Our talk went better than I thought it would. I told him I didn't want him back home and that I am looking for ways to protect myself from his drinking and driving. Told him my options and one of them is a legal separation. He said ok. Whatever I want and need. I told him I didn't want us spending money on a hotel nightly - we're just waisting money doing that and that I'm happy to move to my grandparents home but that I'll need a few things done to it to make it livable. After talking that over a bit he told me he didn't want me and the boys living over there and preferred it if he stayed there instead. That may be what we do. He wasn't even angry. I'm thankful for the calm talk.
He is going to AA. I don't have any proof other than he is clearly sober this evening. I learned something interesting, his little brother does know about his addiction and he has been in contact daily with his brother since Saturday. Now, more interesting, his mother, who doesn't know he is an alcoholic, is coming this weekend to see our boys play in a tournament. I asked him where she will be staying because he isn't coming home. He said he may put her up in a hotel with him because my grandparents home isn't quite suitable for her to stay and he may have to let her know what is going on with him. It will be his problem.
I will be going to my first Celebrate Recovery 12 step program on Thursday night and he agreed to come and be with the boys that evening as well as next Wednesday night for my bunco group and future CR nights. Of course, only if he is sober.
I'm just a little bit in shock. I wasn't very emotional. I said what I needed to say and he wasn't shocked or angry. He was agreeable to not wanting a divorce and wants to work on our marriage even if that means we have to separate, legally separate, or whatever so we can work on it. He asked me if things were calmer without him home and I truthfully answered yes, there is way less stress for everyone. I really thought I was going to be in for a bit of a fight. But I know him well enough to know that tonight he was sincere. For tonight anyway. Who knows after a period of time if he will still be so cooperative, but for now he is. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that I had the strength to say what I needed to, no matter how hard it was, and I'm thankful that he heard me clearly. Maybe something good will come out of this.
I'm also thankful that he apologized for the way he has treated me. He has never done that. He told the boys he was sorry they've had to witness the way he has treated me and that it isn't the way a husband should treat or speak to their wife then apologized for being a bad example all around.
Did he say all the right things? Yeah. Am I glad? Yeah. They were things I've never heard him say, especially not to his sons. Does it mean anything? I don't know, time and actions will tell. All I know is that I'm maintaining a safe distance until further notice, but I'll be happy for the little nuggets I received tonight.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,981
((((HUGS)))) I'm glad it went better than you expected it to. I'm also glad that you are being very cautious. As much as it looks like he's being cooperative and properly remorseful, as you said, after a while, that may change.
I know this isn't easy and those of us here don't know all the details of your lives together, and we aren't the ones who will live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. I have to say though, that you sound very strong and determined to not get back into the same situation you were in before. Progress, not perfection.
I know this isn't easy and those of us here don't know all the details of your lives together, and we aren't the ones who will live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. I have to say though, that you sound very strong and determined to not get back into the same situation you were in before. Progress, not perfection.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
suki, he also told the boys to not be mad at me for whatever decision I made and to love me through whatever I decide regarding his staying in the home. He seemed totally prepared to hear me say he wasn't coming home.
The very sad thing is that this is the most he has talked to the boys as a father instead of a buddy or basketball coach. I told him this during our private conversation that he hasn't been here to help me train and discipline the boys. That he has avoided all confrontation and left all the hard stuff to me. He just hung his head. But, I'm so grateful I was able to SAY it out of my own mouth! I'm going to sleep real good tonight, I can feel it, i'm so tired.
The very sad thing is that this is the most he has talked to the boys as a father instead of a buddy or basketball coach. I told him this during our private conversation that he hasn't been here to help me train and discipline the boys. That he has avoided all confrontation and left all the hard stuff to me. He just hung his head. But, I'm so grateful I was able to SAY it out of my own mouth! I'm going to sleep real good tonight, I can feel it, i'm so tired.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Super! In general . . .
It is and can only be.
AND THIS!!!!
I will be going to my first Celebrate Recovery 12 step program on Thursday night
!SUPER!SUPER!
You Go, Girl.
Your Lane. Your Program. YOUR Recovery.
pssst. Do not just tell us . . . tell God.
Originally Posted by Katchie 
It will be his problem.
AND THIS!!!!
I will be going to my first Celebrate Recovery 12 step program on Thursday night
You Go, Girl.
Your Lane. Your Program. YOUR Recovery.
I'll be happy for the little nuggets I received tonight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by Hammer
Super! In general . . .
It is and can only be.
AND THIS!!!!
!SUPER!SUPER!
You Go, Girl.
Your Lane. Your Program. YOUR Recovery.
pssst. Do not just tell us . . . tell God.
It is and can only be.
AND THIS!!!!
!SUPER!SUPER!
You Go, Girl.
Your Lane. Your Program. YOUR Recovery.
pssst. Do not just tell us . . . tell God.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
it has been wonderful to see how you have built in confidence and raised your self up to deal with this very difficult tim win your life. The meeting seemed to go as well as you could have hoped for and you seem to be continuing to build support around around you. Thats awesome, well done. Please remember this is a long process....
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Katchie, your recovery is going very well! May you and your family continue to be blessed with peace and healing! Keep in mind any bumps in the road doesn't mean the path is lost. You're taking a very healthy path.
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so proud of you. I am glad that he came and it was not horrible. More so, I am proud you are sticking to your word and giving yourself a break. Hopefully he will actually back his words up with actions, time will tell. Until then, the things you are doing for you and your children are super great.
Tight hugs!!!!
Tight hugs!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
I'm so proud of you Katchie, I know this conversation wasn't easy even if it went better than expected. You PROVED that you CAN handle these confrontations & hold your ground!
I hope he has found his AHA moment, I really, really wish that for you all. You are smart to watch for actions & not words & see how it all plays out. (((((HUGS))))) I hope you got some rest!
I hope he has found his AHA moment, I really, really wish that for you all. You are smart to watch for actions & not words & see how it all plays out. (((((HUGS))))) I hope you got some rest!
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