FlippedRHalo

Today is a significant birthday for my ex-fiance and it's making me so sad not to acknowledge it and wish him a happy birthday. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself right now. I do know that I'd likely regret it if I did, so I won't, but God do I want to. What is wrong with me?

For the 2 months before we split, I had been planning a fantastic birthday party for him, so I'm sure that has something to do with it and part of the reason why I can't just get it out of my head today. I've been struggling with it all day. I just can not believe we've come to this. It hurts so d*amn much sometimes.

I hate this disease with a passion. It makes me so angry. Is it a disease? I mean, you can put the alcohol down and stop if you truly want to. You can't just put cancer down and stop if you want to. Who leaves the people that love them to slowly destroy themselves physically and mentally? I mean really, who does that?! WHY would anyone want to do that? It makes no sense. I know it never will and most days lately I've just come to terms with accepting that, but today, not so much. Today, I'm sad....and pretty freakin' angry.

I almost married this man. I just adored him. He adored me. We had so much fun together and shared everything in our lives. He was supposed to stop drinking when I told him that it was destroying us and him. THAT is what was SUPPOSED to happen. I still have such a hard time with this some days. If anything, we were guilty of loving each other too much, there was never a lack of love between us. But in the end, he loved alcohol more. He chose to leave and chose a destructive path instead of helping himself and keeping us together. Wow. Just wow. That is one bitter pill to swallow.

2 months ago we were living together. 2 months ago I was planning his birthday party. 2 months ago we were looking forward to celebrating the holidays together with our families. Now, it's like none of that ever existed and I can't even wish him a happy birthday.

It just wasn't supposed to happen this way. And these d*mn back and forth emotions need to stop already. I'm sad today, but I think in general, I'm getting over it and THAT makes me sad, and scared, too.

Alcoholism. Destroying families and relationships daily. I see no fairness in any of this.

Happy Birthday XAF. I hate what your sickness has done to us and I will continue to pray for you always. *tears*

alove2nv

FlippedRHalo - I feel your pain, I am having to walk away from a man that I gave my everything to for 2 1/2 years. I loved him with everything that I had and some that I didn't. It has only been 4 days that I have been gone, I still have stuff at the house...It is hard. It is the worst pain I have been in since 1999 when my son passed away!

I wanted the fairytale with him, to build with him, get married, take care of our kids, travel...do all the things a happy couple should do. But there is a 3rd wheel...alcohol. I was the sidechick, the mistress. Alcohol has always been his # 1.

I know that it is just going to get worst for me, as I am very co-dependent and I need that love and affection...but at this time, I rather go buy a puppy than go back with him. It is going to talk a lot of time and counseling to get through this for sure.

Stay strong! We need each other!

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry. HUGS. xoxo

FlippedRHalo

I'm trying so hard to stay strong today. I sat down this morning and actually wrote him a card that I really had the intention of sending, along with the rest of his stuff that I'm mailing off tomorrow, but tore it up and threw it away. I know that would cause nothing except trouble for me.

That's progress. I'm normally way too impulsive when it comes to this stuff and later regret not thinking it out better beforehand. That is what got us back together last year. We see how well that worked, huh? I'm finally trying to do things differently, realizing that nothing I've done up to this point has worked out, and that amazes me somewhat because I've always been too terrified to attempt change. I'm still terrified, but I'm more terrified of things NOT changing. At this point, I don't think it's strength or bravery, I think it's a matter of not having a choice and being unable to suffer through any more hurt and pain.

I will probably always love him, I've come to terms with that. I will never change him, I've come to terms with that too. I can't watch the person I love slowly commit suicide, I've also come to terms with that. That is why I called off our engagement.

Now I'm not watching it anymore, thankfully, but I can't help worrying so much about him and THAT I CAN'T come to terms with.

I need that to stop. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to continue to fear the call that something horrible has happened to him. I just don't want any of this anymore.

Why, oh why, did I ever get involved in any of this. And when I saw it, why didn't I run for the hills?

I try to tell myself that I was put into his life for a reason, but sheesh, I hope it was a d*mn good reason because Lord knows my heart suffered greatly for it.

LemonGirl

I have probably two men in my life that to this day I think about them on their birthday's and holidays... I'm sorry you are hurting. Love isn't supposed to be this way.

kittycat3

I'm sorry you are hurting. You call it a bitter pill (and I don't know your story at all) but I've been through a soul crushing divorce with an alcohol abuser. It SUCKS! Be glad you are not making the same mistake I did - be sad if you need to mourn it (2 months is not long and it is very understandable if you are still healing) but I hope you can see the silver lining, which is that you can create a new life with a partner more deserving of you! Choose yourself.

shortayp18

I feel your pain exactly. My ex fiance and I were together and were so in love its sickening. And alcohol came in between us and he chose alcohol. It hurts terribly but its NOT your fault. Its the disease...it took me awhile to understand that...and all we can do is stay strong together BC we know what we deserve. Have yoy gone to alanon at all?

FlippedRHalo

Thank you everyone. It's just such a vicious disease that devours everything in its path and I despise everything about it.

I know I want something more - eventually, when I'm ready, which may be a very long time from now considering how much this has devastated me. I wanted that to be with him, but he's so immersed in this addiction that I don't see him getting out of it anytime soon and that's heartbreaking. I think if I knew that he was getting help, it would be so much easier, but I can't help but worry about him. He drives while inebriated and his health has been affected. As much as he cried and confessed that he needed help and hated being like this, he never took any steps to get that help. It hurts because I know that it hurts him too, he's so full of self hatred, shame and anger, yet, he stays stuck in it. He told me once that he hates himself for "dragging me into his hell." If it's hell, get out of it, come on! It hurts me because in my mind, all he has to do is take a step, reach out and want out of that hell, but he chooses not to. So much so that he let our relationship become irreparable so he could continue to drink. The same relationship that supposedly meant everything to him.

It's so maddening. So confusing. So hurtful.

All I can do is pray for his safety and that he eventually seeks help. Sadly, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I'll never understand any of this.

Jane11

Flipped, I could have wrote that exact same post.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, some days are so much worse than others and special occasion days are bound to be amongst the worst.

I can't offer huge words of advice as I am still struggling myself but I can offer that I am here and so are many others and I hope that helps a little.

Sending you strength x

hopeful4

Awe Flipped, I am sorry. Tight hugs. Do something good for yourself today!

wanttobehealthy

Sending you warm thoughts and lots of virtual hugs.... You made such a hard but strong decision for yourself and Im awed by it. I didn't do what you did until after I married and had kids with him and I wish many many many times sometimes, even daily, that I had left all the times I thought to.

The fact you are sad and hurting and broken up shows your loving heart and that you were genuinely invested in the relationship. But as you realized, you couldnt sustain things with a person with an active addiction.

Im sorry for your pain...

Justwantnormal

Sorry you're hurting so much This disease is awful! Just AWFUL!

This is what keeps me stuck. I feel sorry for him because I know he hates himself for being an alcoholic and is overwhelmed by shame. When he 'quit' several months back he went through a week or so of such extreme depression. He was so horrified and embarrassed by what he'd done to our relationship. He told me one day that he understands why so many alcoholics commit suicide, because he didn't want to live with himself either. He swore up and down that he would NEVER put us through it again. And yet here we are… right back where we started. IT MAKES NO SENSE and it hurts like hell.

I'm sure you don't see a silver lining right now, but TRUST ME, getting out before you were married and before you had any kids is not something to take lightly. I look at my kids every day and sob on the inside for what they'll have to go through because of his disease. It's absolutely heartbreaking and terrifying.

Sending you lots of hugs. You'll get through today… and the next

Turtle82

Know that he didn't "choose alcohol" over you. He chose not to experience the feelings you are now as a normal, healthy, person by medicating them. The person you would have married would be one not willing to experience the feelings required to sustain a healthy relationship. Its a blessing you'll be spared that by making a wise choice for yourself.

NYCDoglvr

Classified by the AMA as a mental illness. So yes. The obsessional thinking that is codependency diminishes with time, just don't get into it...yes, Alanon but any activity that diverts your thinking. I did fast walking and it helped a lot.

Florence

Agreed.

For me, I know if I'm obsessing over or feeling really badly over someone I can't control, it is a very good thing for me to find some other way of occupying my mind. Exercise is quite good for me, as it gets all the feel-good chemicals flowing and lets me get good sleep. Sleep is exponentially important.

I'm not trying to be condescending by ignoring the issue above, about your ex's birthday and your sadness over missing it. I totally get that. At the same time, it was really important to me to recognize that feelings come and go, and the intensity I feel over an event is able to be modified and managed by doing some solid self-care work.

Feel the feelings, then let them go. Write about it here, then do something really nice for yourself, like taking a bath, making your favorite meal, having a cup of warm tea, or going to bed an hour early to read an awesome book. You're not there for his birthday this year and it still feels confusing and weird, but you also recognize that his absence in your life is a net positive. It's sad, but it's for the best.

lillamy

And also, I found it helped me to accept that we don't control everything in our lives. It's not like writing a novel, where I can decide what the characters are going to do.

It sounds terrifying at first, but it was also quite freeing to realize how little I really have control over. There's less "supposed to" and more adventure to my life after an alcoholic marriage. How I feel about "adventure" varies from day to day -- but accepting that **** might happen that I have no control over is sort of calming. It actually makes me worry less than I did when I tried making sure everything came out "right" if that makes sense.

Eauchiche

I was in your shoes before my SO's birthday in November. Sent him a nice card and some gifts, which he didn't even acknowledge until I asked him if the package had arrived.
I sent him a card and gift for Christmas. He sent me nothing, due to "no money", but he has enough money for his projects.
I wouldn't worry about this too much.
Keep coming back!

Timeiskey

I saw a few comments about codependency here. I saw a few comments about missing what the exes gave to us... but step 1: I am powerless over other people...I am powerless over alcohol...understanding this brings us to be empowered within ourselves...sheesh, its so hard. Two months out isn't very long. For me, it seems so scary, because not only is there the loss of being with this person who you loved very deeply, but also the need to reexamine ourselves and its double the pain and work. I am still inching along myself, but the more I work my program, the better I feel. I hope you find comfort in your healing and improvement as well.