wrong side of street...
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
wrong side of street...
OMG, my head is about to explode. Mostly because I have not effectively detached, but more so because of the level on insanity it brings.
I really thought I was at a point where I could say nothing surprises me with their quacking, but I was wrong.
I don't know wtf to do about this, if anything, as it is not my circus, not my monkeys, yet I xan't help but feel things are wrong, wrong wrong!!!
In a nutshell. My RA started regularly attending AA afain about 3 months ago. I have attended a couple meetings here and there as I used to really like the grouo and .
insight. A few years back the hall was Amazing, with some really good wisdom, and years of sobriety there. A couple years ago the main person who ran things there passed, and things there have become chaotic. Individuals with little to no sobriety time of service are trying to tell others how it is AND it has become a hook up joint. I kid you not. Well, my RA LOVES it. Picked a aponsor who seemed like he had it together. Today the sponsor xalled abd told RA that hes hooking up with another person that attends, who just recently xaused some scuttle at the hall. RA also has chosen to be best buddies with someone who has been trying to save sober but never really quite gets there.
I am in complete disbelief of what is carrying on and to me it seens like a RA best dream ever. Get to hang out, hook up and lie to themselves all under their sordid interpretation of what AA really is!!! And to top it off, there is a rehab in town that sends tgeir patients to the nightly meetings, along with some of the counselors. All, whom partake in the BS!
I lost it today, and told my RA to get out. I refuse to have this BS shoved down my throat and told its ok and right, since its AA and everyones staying sober.
Do I just stay on my side of the street and turn a blind eye to this fiasco???
I really thought I was at a point where I could say nothing surprises me with their quacking, but I was wrong.
I don't know wtf to do about this, if anything, as it is not my circus, not my monkeys, yet I xan't help but feel things are wrong, wrong wrong!!!
In a nutshell. My RA started regularly attending AA afain about 3 months ago. I have attended a couple meetings here and there as I used to really like the grouo and .
insight. A few years back the hall was Amazing, with some really good wisdom, and years of sobriety there. A couple years ago the main person who ran things there passed, and things there have become chaotic. Individuals with little to no sobriety time of service are trying to tell others how it is AND it has become a hook up joint. I kid you not. Well, my RA LOVES it. Picked a aponsor who seemed like he had it together. Today the sponsor xalled abd told RA that hes hooking up with another person that attends, who just recently xaused some scuttle at the hall. RA also has chosen to be best buddies with someone who has been trying to save sober but never really quite gets there.
I am in complete disbelief of what is carrying on and to me it seens like a RA best dream ever. Get to hang out, hook up and lie to themselves all under their sordid interpretation of what AA really is!!! And to top it off, there is a rehab in town that sends tgeir patients to the nightly meetings, along with some of the counselors. All, whom partake in the BS!
I lost it today, and told my RA to get out. I refuse to have this BS shoved down my throat and told its ok and right, since its AA and everyones staying sober.
Do I just stay on my side of the street and turn a blind eye to this fiasco???
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Aboutdone....I get it that it galls you that he might have temptation passed under his nose.
You want him to stay sober and to never 13th step....
Remember, though, that he is not a teenager that might be running with the "wrong" crowd and needs a parent figure to adjust his boundaries.
Besides...he has been in AA before (I think). He knows very well that hooking up with the opposite sex is wrong and that he needs to be vigilant about possible triggers, etc...
What choices do you have...? You have to trust that he will run his own sobriety and recovery and that yo don't get to supervise.
I can see that you already know this, intellectually....(No circus and monkeys..LOL).
The desire to try to control looms big, though. It is in the bones of the co-dependent, so one has to be vigilent of the relapse.
If I were in your shoes...I would just tell him to keep his BS to himself---that his recovery is none of your business.
That ought to shut Mr. Quackerson up.....LOL!
dandylion
You want him to stay sober and to never 13th step....
Remember, though, that he is not a teenager that might be running with the "wrong" crowd and needs a parent figure to adjust his boundaries.
Besides...he has been in AA before (I think). He knows very well that hooking up with the opposite sex is wrong and that he needs to be vigilant about possible triggers, etc...
What choices do you have...? You have to trust that he will run his own sobriety and recovery and that yo don't get to supervise.
I can see that you already know this, intellectually....(No circus and monkeys..LOL).
The desire to try to control looms big, though. It is in the bones of the co-dependent, so one has to be vigilent of the relapse.
If I were in your shoes...I would just tell him to keep his BS to himself---that his recovery is none of your business.
That ought to shut Mr. Quackerson up.....LOL!
dandylion
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Can I just have one "yeah, but...." lol.
Thing is this AA hall is doing a huge disservice to those it is supposed to serve. It has become nothing more than a group of dry drunks commiserating about how others won't just accept them as they are.
I DO believe in the 12 steps and it does burn my ass to see so many claiming recovery under the umbrella of "i go to AA everyday", when the AA they are attending is nothing of the sort.
How does one deal with that?
He is cocky as hell claiming he attends meetings and I just think well hell yeah you do. You all go and meet under the term of AA but do nothing close to working steps. I'm just disgusted with all of it.
My point here is this. Hes not working his program. He is quacking about it and I want no part of it, but how do you convey that? "Im sorry, my boundary in OUR relationship set by both of us is to stay on the right playground, with the right playmates, yet you are choosing a playground that does not work with what we set" & his response is, he goes to AA wtf is the problem?
My concern is not that he will screw around, that is already a given. My concern is the overall joke of it. Yes he goes to AA but it may as well be called the hookup haven for dry drunks to come bitch about how unfair it is that their family members and friends just wont accept their **** poor behaviours.
Basically this AA hall is a fraud working under the name and it overall irks me as I think they aren't helping anyone who genuinely wants to learn the right way and the fact that the local rehab center is involved is ridiculous. But hey, what a way to insure business. Charge people $10,000 for rehab, don't teach them the tools correctly, don't give them the best possible chance at recovery, teach them at the local AA hall it is not only fair but RIGHT to blame everyone else and hold resentments with never making amends, and then send them out in to the world and wait for them to relapse and pay another ,,$10,000!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys, but WOW, is it hard to turn my head to the fraud.
Thing is this AA hall is doing a huge disservice to those it is supposed to serve. It has become nothing more than a group of dry drunks commiserating about how others won't just accept them as they are.
I DO believe in the 12 steps and it does burn my ass to see so many claiming recovery under the umbrella of "i go to AA everyday", when the AA they are attending is nothing of the sort.
How does one deal with that?
He is cocky as hell claiming he attends meetings and I just think well hell yeah you do. You all go and meet under the term of AA but do nothing close to working steps. I'm just disgusted with all of it.
My point here is this. Hes not working his program. He is quacking about it and I want no part of it, but how do you convey that? "Im sorry, my boundary in OUR relationship set by both of us is to stay on the right playground, with the right playmates, yet you are choosing a playground that does not work with what we set" & his response is, he goes to AA wtf is the problem?
My concern is not that he will screw around, that is already a given. My concern is the overall joke of it. Yes he goes to AA but it may as well be called the hookup haven for dry drunks to come bitch about how unfair it is that their family members and friends just wont accept their **** poor behaviours.
Basically this AA hall is a fraud working under the name and it overall irks me as I think they aren't helping anyone who genuinely wants to learn the right way and the fact that the local rehab center is involved is ridiculous. But hey, what a way to insure business. Charge people $10,000 for rehab, don't teach them the tools correctly, don't give them the best possible chance at recovery, teach them at the local AA hall it is not only fair but RIGHT to blame everyone else and hold resentments with never making amends, and then send them out in to the world and wait for them to relapse and pay another ,,$10,000!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys, but WOW, is it hard to turn my head to the fraud.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow. I feel your pain actually in that my NPD A sister has been going to a therapist for YEARS that does nothing but enable her and her NPD ways. She'd been going to him before finally drinking herself into a coma and on life support a year ago. I used to go to him, too, back in the 90's and he'd do nothing but tell you what you wanted to hear.
Back to the AA issue... could you contact another AA group with your concern on how this chapter is being run? Heck, is there like and AA "headquarters" or something? Maybe they could send over a seasoned veteran to take a look at their shennanigans.
Back to the AA issue... could you contact another AA group with your concern on how this chapter is being run? Heck, is there like and AA "headquarters" or something? Maybe they could send over a seasoned veteran to take a look at their shennanigans.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
i know that Alanon has a "do not refer" list where GRs and others can recommend that a local group be removed from official Alanon schedules and website listings. Things like sponsors mistreating newcomers, using non conference approved literature (including the AA big book) and generally not following Alanon guidelines. I know it sounds nuts, especially the sponsor thing, but it apparently happened someplace where sponsors were having new sponsees wash their cars and run their errands and stuff as some twisted kind of "service work."
Our district decided by group conscience (I am a GR for my home group) that we would only refer a local group to this list as a last resort after exhausting all other avenues, including attending meetings to help them stay on track, talking to GRs and having district leadership visit all groups (so as not to single anyone out) for a "refresher course" on the Alanon principles.
Does AA have a similar hierarchy, with a district level leadership that could or would intervene if AA principles are not being followed?
Our district decided by group conscience (I am a GR for my home group) that we would only refer a local group to this list as a last resort after exhausting all other avenues, including attending meetings to help them stay on track, talking to GRs and having district leadership visit all groups (so as not to single anyone out) for a "refresher course" on the Alanon principles.
Does AA have a similar hierarchy, with a district level leadership that could or would intervene if AA principles are not being followed?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I struggle with this at Celebrate Recovery some too. It's not that bad, but I know the mens group has some of that going on. It's a shame. I stay out of it.
I credit CR to a huge amount of my own codie recovery, however I can say that my XAH has not gotten much out of it. But....that's by his own choice.
Just like you, not my circus, not my monkeys.
I credit CR to a huge amount of my own codie recovery, however I can say that my XAH has not gotten much out of it. But....that's by his own choice.
Just like you, not my circus, not my monkeys.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
That group sounds awfully toxic but remember that his recovery (or lack of) is his and yours is yours. I know of a couple of places which are awful clusterbleeps complete with 13 stepping, drug dealing in the parking lot and gambling on the premises... but people who attend don't drink.
The thing is that it is really not your job to micromanage his recovery, pick his sponsor and which meetings is healthy and he is allowed to attend and which is not.
If you are a double winner, I would encourage you to start a new AA meeting (it is not that difficult, I ve done it).
Otherwise, if your RA chooses to involve himself into toxic drama, it is his choice.
Work on yourself and whenever he brings up whatever toxic nonsense he heard there, just tell him: None of my business, I don't care.
The thing is that it is really not your job to micromanage his recovery, pick his sponsor and which meetings is healthy and he is allowed to attend and which is not.
If you are a double winner, I would encourage you to start a new AA meeting (it is not that difficult, I ve done it).
Otherwise, if your RA chooses to involve himself into toxic drama, it is his choice.
Work on yourself and whenever he brings up whatever toxic nonsense he heard there, just tell him: None of my business, I don't care.
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
All great advice. Thank you!!!
It is just crazy making nonsense.
I liken it to the way I feel about children. You can't blame a child for disrespectful behavior when they have never been taught respect. However, you may try to politely correct them and teach them manners and what have you when they are in your presence.
Problem here, is when I try to point out that I don't begin to know all the answers but I know unequivocally, favoring blame game, and holding resentments is not accurate, it gets turned back on me.
Yes it is the control freak in me & really at this point it isn't my place to micromanage any of it as I told him to leave the house yesterday, and he did. So, I can wash my hands of it.
It is just crazy making nonsense.
I liken it to the way I feel about children. You can't blame a child for disrespectful behavior when they have never been taught respect. However, you may try to politely correct them and teach them manners and what have you when they are in your presence.
Problem here, is when I try to point out that I don't begin to know all the answers but I know unequivocally, favoring blame game, and holding resentments is not accurate, it gets turned back on me.
Yes it is the control freak in me & really at this point it isn't my place to micromanage any of it as I told him to leave the house yesterday, and he did. So, I can wash my hands of it.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Water finds its own level.
Mrs. Hammer clustered with the "Gossip Girls" in our local AA.
Pretty much the "Mental Health Issues" crowd as near as I can tell.
Some AA folks came over and mentioned they seemed a bit of a mess.
I just said things are often what they seem.
no mi circo no mis monos
Mrs. Hammer clustered with the "Gossip Girls" in our local AA.
Pretty much the "Mental Health Issues" crowd as near as I can tell.
Some AA folks came over and mentioned they seemed a bit of a mess.
I just said things are often what they seem.
no mi circo no mis monos
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
i know that Alanon has a "do not refer" list where GRs and others can recommend that a local group be removed from official Alanon schedules and website listings. Things like sponsors mistreating newcomers, using non conference approved literature (including the AA big book) and generally not following Alanon guidelines. I know it sounds nuts, especially the sponsor thing, but it apparently happened someplace where sponsors were having new sponsees wash their cars and run their errands and stuff as some twisted kind of "service work."
Our district decided by group conscience (I am a GR for my home group) that we would only refer a local group to this list as a last resort after exhausting all other avenues, including attending meetings to help them stay on track, talking to GRs and having district leadership visit all groups (so as not to single anyone out) for a "refresher course" on the Alanon principles.
Does AA have a similar hierarchy, with a district level leadership that could or would intervene if AA principles are not being followed?
Our district decided by group conscience (I am a GR for my home group) that we would only refer a local group to this list as a last resort after exhausting all other avenues, including attending meetings to help them stay on track, talking to GRs and having district leadership visit all groups (so as not to single anyone out) for a "refresher course" on the Alanon principles.
Does AA have a similar hierarchy, with a district level leadership that could or would intervene if AA principles are not being followed?
Turns out the guy had ambitions to start a new group that was a morph between AA and AlAnon. Then, he assigned me to write a list of qualities I was looking for in a new partner, and a gameplan on how to find one.
As new as I was in the program, I knew to run ,not walk, away.
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Geez. I guess I will calm down. So disappointing to see that some people in life will literally manipulate any situation. Well, as bad as it may seem, I find comfort knowing I am not the only one with a bad experience with the groups 
. Thank goodness for SR!
. Thank goodness for SR!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
aboutdone -
I have heard some bad things about AA. I have a friend whose dad is a militant attendee of AA meetings and talks about it constantly - she described something similar to what you wrote about.
Personally I don't have any experience with AA so I can't really comment but there are other options out there. Maybe you should try looking up other groups and proposing them to your RA. It seems you should certainly have some say, since the two of you are in a relationship and this group is making you feel uncomfortable.
Open and honest communication is always best. By keeping everything in it's only going to eat away at you and become more of an issue in the future. Just try to broach the subject in a way that takes his feelings into consideration and doesn't come across as too critical.
I have heard some bad things about AA. I have a friend whose dad is a militant attendee of AA meetings and talks about it constantly - she described something similar to what you wrote about.
Personally I don't have any experience with AA so I can't really comment but there are other options out there. Maybe you should try looking up other groups and proposing them to your RA. It seems you should certainly have some say, since the two of you are in a relationship and this group is making you feel uncomfortable.
Open and honest communication is always best. By keeping everything in it's only going to eat away at you and become more of an issue in the future. Just try to broach the subject in a way that takes his feelings into consideration and doesn't come across as too critical.
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
I really like that idea but I don't think the RA is accepting of other options AND I just posted why its imperative I am done with this relationship. It took me a day to really grasp the true depth of toxin in our relationship, and this really is just a symptom of it. I WANTED it to really be as simple as a bad AA hall but it isn't. It isn't his first time attending. He went through Rehab when it was one of the best in the country. He attended this hall, when the old timers were there and running it like a tight ship. RA knows the difference. He chooses to disregard the truth of the matter, along with several other things he chooses to engage in like dating sites. It is so easy for me to fall back in old ways of thinking and denial, that yestersay I wanted to be mad at AA. It IS a bad hall, no doubt about it, but ultimately my circus is here and my monkeys are my children and THAT is all I need to concern myself with.
But THANK YOU SO MUCH, because your suggestion is a wonderful one and will most likely be beneficial to others
But THANK YOU SO MUCH, because your suggestion is a wonderful one and will most likely be beneficial to others
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Just a reminder that program "bashing" (regardless of the program) is not allowed here under SR Rule No. 4.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Chantal88
aboutdone -
I have heard some bad things about AA. I have a friend whose dad is a militant attendee of AA meetings and talks about it constantly - she described something similar to what you wrote about.
Personally I don't have any experience with AA so I can't really comment but there are other options out there. Maybe you should try looking up other groups and proposing them to your RA. It seems you should certainly have some say, since the two of you are in a relationship and this group is making you feel uncomfortable.
Open and honest communication is always best. By keeping everything in it's only going to eat away at you and become more of an issue in the future. Just try to broach the subject in a way that takes his feelings into consideration and doesn't come across as too critical.
I have heard some bad things about AA. I have a friend whose dad is a militant attendee of AA meetings and talks about it constantly - she described something similar to what you wrote about.
Personally I don't have any experience with AA so I can't really comment but there are other options out there. Maybe you should try looking up other groups and proposing them to your RA. It seems you should certainly have some say, since the two of you are in a relationship and this group is making you feel uncomfortable.
Open and honest communication is always best. By keeping everything in it's only going to eat away at you and become more of an issue in the future. Just try to broach the subject in a way that takes his feelings into consideration and doesn't come across as too critical.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Seren
Just a reminder that program "bashing" (regardless of the program) is not allowed here under SR Rule No. 4.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
I personally don't mean to bash any bona fide program. I think that this thread has been helpful to folks, especially newbies, who unfortunately find themselves in aberrations of the programs.
In the situation I was in, my former sponsor believed that we did not have any programs in our area that were orthodox enough, so he wanted to re-invent the wheel. He was referring to all the AA and Al-Anon approved groups in town.
When I saw him erupt one night in an AlAnon meeting because people were not fulfilling his expectations he had for them, I knew I had to get away from him. I was also VERY happy I wasn't one of his employees or family members.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Also not bashing rehabs, but they seem to be a hothouse for people hooking up. It amazes me every time I hear it, and I am pretty sure looking back that my XAH was in that camp when he went too. Just amazing.
I always say that the best thing you can do for any program you plan to attend is to research it and if it's not the right one, try out another. If you don't like AA, try Celebrate Recovery or another type of group. Or another home group.
As far as rehab, I really believe that when they go if you don't do some research and pick the first available bed, it just turns into a hot mess unless you just get lucky.
Just my .02. Definitely not bashing either b/c I know both help tons of people. It's just important to get help from the right place. Thank God for SR!
I always say that the best thing you can do for any program you plan to attend is to research it and if it's not the right one, try out another. If you don't like AA, try Celebrate Recovery or another type of group. Or another home group.
As far as rehab, I really believe that when they go if you don't do some research and pick the first available bed, it just turns into a hot mess unless you just get lucky.
Just my .02. Definitely not bashing either b/c I know both help tons of people. It's just important to get help from the right place. Thank God for SR!
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