Is he right or is he quacking?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
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Is he right or is he quacking?
My hubby and I have been drinking buddies since we met 15 years ago. We've both always drank alcoholically, and the frequency increased considerably for both of us over the last 8-10 years. My drinking often had consequences that caused my husband a great deal of stress - blackouts, injuries, a DUI. After having another ugly drunk, I quit drinking 10 months ago.
I've encouraged him to stop drinking. He feels that because he doesn't black out, hurt himself, or drive drunk, his drinking is not a problem. He goes to work, he fulfills his responsibilities, he pays the bills. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he has no intention of stopping.
The entire time I've been recovering, he's been drinking in our house. At the same time, when I try to bring up the subject of recovery, he belittles my involvement in AA as a "mid life crisis." He has yet to hear me out on the topics that I have been writing about daily on SR for over 10 months. He has chided me for being "all or nothing", and encouraged me to pick back up and moderate my drinking.
We have been at this impasse for months, and it's showing no sign of relenting. Then, in November, he ordered my drink of choice and drank it at my birthday dinner. On Christmas Eve, he bought a bottle of it for the gathering at our house, even though he is the only person in the group who drinks it. He got smashed on it.
I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease, from my own experience, and from the experiences of others on SR and in AA. I also know, from reading the F&F forum, that as alcoholics' diseases ramp up in intensity, so do the maddening things that happen at home.
As I figure out what my next steps will be, I'm interested in your input. I'm wondering whether his drinking deserves a pass because of the lack of consequences - or is he quacking?
Thanks in advance for your input.
I've encouraged him to stop drinking. He feels that because he doesn't black out, hurt himself, or drive drunk, his drinking is not a problem. He goes to work, he fulfills his responsibilities, he pays the bills. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he has no intention of stopping.
The entire time I've been recovering, he's been drinking in our house. At the same time, when I try to bring up the subject of recovery, he belittles my involvement in AA as a "mid life crisis." He has yet to hear me out on the topics that I have been writing about daily on SR for over 10 months. He has chided me for being "all or nothing", and encouraged me to pick back up and moderate my drinking.
We have been at this impasse for months, and it's showing no sign of relenting. Then, in November, he ordered my drink of choice and drank it at my birthday dinner. On Christmas Eve, he bought a bottle of it for the gathering at our house, even though he is the only person in the group who drinks it. He got smashed on it.
I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease, from my own experience, and from the experiences of others on SR and in AA. I also know, from reading the F&F forum, that as alcoholics' diseases ramp up in intensity, so do the maddening things that happen at home.
As I figure out what my next steps will be, I'm interested in your input. I'm wondering whether his drinking deserves a pass because of the lack of consequences - or is he quacking?
Thanks in advance for your input.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Congratulations on your sobriety and recovery! I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.
Looks like quacking and that he's actively trying to sabatage you. He misses his drinking buddy, and when you drink that helps to normalize his drinking.
As I look at healthy or unhealthy instead of right or wrong, things are easier for me to sort out. If one person is right, that makes a different view wrong. Getting away from that has been a cornerstone of my recovery.
Looks like quacking and that he's actively trying to sabatage you. He misses his drinking buddy, and when you drink that helps to normalize his drinking.
As I look at healthy or unhealthy instead of right or wrong, things are easier for me to sort out. If one person is right, that makes a different view wrong. Getting away from that has been a cornerstone of my recovery.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
As I look at healthy or unhealthy instead of right or wrong, things are easier for me to sort out. If one person is right, that makes a different view wrong. Getting away from that has been a cornerstone of my recovery.
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Well, I would worry less about him and more about you. Ten months sober is a good achievement -- and you should pat yourself on the back for it.
As for what he chooses to do -- well, that's his problem. If his drinking affects your quality of life, you can choose whether you want him to be part of your life.
The making fun of AA sounds pretty typical for an alcoholic who doesn't want to quit drinking. I hope you can let it roll off your back, although I would find it terribly hurtful if the person I was married to made fun of my healthy choices.
As for what he chooses to do -- well, that's his problem. If his drinking affects your quality of life, you can choose whether you want him to be part of your life.
The making fun of AA sounds pretty typical for an alcoholic who doesn't want to quit drinking. I hope you can let it roll off your back, although I would find it terribly hurtful if the person I was married to made fun of my healthy choices.
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I go back and forth between terribly insulted by his dismissiveness of my recovery and terribly annoyed by his drinking. I know that neither are healthy or sober frames of mind.
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Congratulations on your sober time!! What a fantastic achievement 
I suppose if I were in your position, I would have to decide whether or not my husband's constant put downs and belligerent attitude about my efforts to improve myself and my life were something I was willing to endure. It seems pretty passive aggressive on his part to literally buy YOUR DOC to drink--especially if it was not really something he ever drank much in the past.
Perhaps ask yourself what you are comfortable with--what sort of behavior is acceptable around you?
I suppose if I were in your position, I would have to decide whether or not my husband's constant put downs and belligerent attitude about my efforts to improve myself and my life were something I was willing to endure. It seems pretty passive aggressive on his part to literally buy YOUR DOC to drink--especially if it was not really something he ever drank much in the past.
Perhaps ask yourself what you are comfortable with--what sort of behavior is acceptable around you?
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It took a long time for me to start seeing the emotional abuse in my life for what it was. Once I was aware of it, thw book Respect Me Rules was of great help in stepping away from being a target.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B004ELAMT0/
Any gaslighting, too? Is he trying to re-write reality and having you question yourself? Just something to stay aware of.
Love your signature.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B004ELAMT0/
Any gaslighting, too? Is he trying to re-write reality and having you question yourself? Just something to stay aware of.
Love your signature.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
How similar our situations are, number of years and everything. In my case, my quitting was one of the biggest reasons we have been separated 10 months.
I know in our situation, the progressiveness of alcoholism invaded and replaced the foundation of our relationship. When the big break happened, the commonalities I though were there had become either too weak or non-existent. After all, 14 years together make a LOT of memories. I had hoped this meant shared values, but I have been disappointed in that regard.
I have had to set aside my emotions, and try to lucidly ask myself if we have enough in common to make it. In other words, if we had just met now, would we end up together? I am sorry to say that I would not even choose him as a casual friend the way things are now.
I am so happy for you and your sobriety, and so sad that you are faced with this discomfort.
Please keep coming back. Best of luck to you!
I know in our situation, the progressiveness of alcoholism invaded and replaced the foundation of our relationship. When the big break happened, the commonalities I though were there had become either too weak or non-existent. After all, 14 years together make a LOT of memories. I had hoped this meant shared values, but I have been disappointed in that regard.
I have had to set aside my emotions, and try to lucidly ask myself if we have enough in common to make it. In other words, if we had just met now, would we end up together? I am sorry to say that I would not even choose him as a casual friend the way things are now.
I am so happy for you and your sobriety, and so sad that you are faced with this discomfort.
Please keep coming back. Best of luck to you!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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keepingthefaith - I'm going to look into that book. Thanks for the recommendation. And the compliment on the sig. I like yours too.
FireSprite, lillamy, Seren, Katiekate, Eauchiche - Thank you so much for your input.
My husband is polite and not particularly aggressive. He doesn't hit, slap, or yell. He doesn't act abusively in the obvious sense of the word. But.... since getting sober, in the process of recovering from the twisted and dysfunctional thinking that was buried underneath my alcoholism, I've noticed that over the years I've let him undermine me, insult me, take more than he gives, and be demanding of how I spend my time.
And I've recognized that my marriage isn't the only relationship where I've let others take the drivers seat, or steer me off the side of the road.
In recovery I'm in the process of reclaiming my life. He is addressing my concerns that don't relate to drinking. He's doing more chores in the house. He's not complaining when I make plans with friends. He's been supportive of me changing my career to one with greater financial potential.
The weekends at home have been difficult for me in recovery. I find myself uncoupling from this relationship with my husband, and I wonder if I'm seeing the situation clearly or if I'm looking at it through a distorted, all-or-nothing lens.
I have spent most of my time on SR on the alcoholism side of things. In some ways I am making great strides; I didn't crave my DOC while my husband was guzzling it at home on Xmas Eve. In other ways, I am still deep in the depression that I didn't even know I suffered from. On the weekends when I meander to the F&F boards, I am blown away by the insight here, and comforted by your support. Thanks so much for your input.
FireSprite, lillamy, Seren, Katiekate, Eauchiche - Thank you so much for your input.
My husband is polite and not particularly aggressive. He doesn't hit, slap, or yell. He doesn't act abusively in the obvious sense of the word. But.... since getting sober, in the process of recovering from the twisted and dysfunctional thinking that was buried underneath my alcoholism, I've noticed that over the years I've let him undermine me, insult me, take more than he gives, and be demanding of how I spend my time.
And I've recognized that my marriage isn't the only relationship where I've let others take the drivers seat, or steer me off the side of the road.
In recovery I'm in the process of reclaiming my life. He is addressing my concerns that don't relate to drinking. He's doing more chores in the house. He's not complaining when I make plans with friends. He's been supportive of me changing my career to one with greater financial potential.
The weekends at home have been difficult for me in recovery. I find myself uncoupling from this relationship with my husband, and I wonder if I'm seeing the situation clearly or if I'm looking at it through a distorted, all-or-nothing lens.
I have spent most of my time on SR on the alcoholism side of things. In some ways I am making great strides; I didn't crave my DOC while my husband was guzzling it at home on Xmas Eve. In other ways, I am still deep in the depression that I didn't even know I suffered from. On the weekends when I meander to the F&F boards, I am blown away by the insight here, and comforted by your support. Thanks so much for your input.
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