Oh I gave it to him...all of it. Not a good response
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Oh I gave it to him...all of it. Not a good response
I told him tonight that I was worried about his letter. I told him that he couldn't keep being abusive to me. I wasn't going to take it.
Him: maybe I should just move out then.
Me: Because you are unable to change your abusive behavior?
Him: we've been throwing it around for like six months, might as well.
Him: Holy F*ck, why do you think I am in here?
Me: Your in there because YOU became so miserable about your drinking, not because you were verbally abusing your wife.
Me: I don't know of very many husbands who tell their wives that they deserved what they got because of the clothes they were wearing when a professor makes a pass at them, but you did. You HID my clothes from me!
Him: why did I have to, why are you wearing them?
Me: I'm not wearing anything that your average 32 year old woman isn't wearing. You've accused me of sleeping with the dude at the gas station because he likes techno music and I *happen* to listen to techno when I work out.
Him: Is that all you got, can I go now?
Me: yep
Him: maybe I should just move out then.
Me: Because you are unable to change your abusive behavior?
Him: we've been throwing it around for like six months, might as well.
Him: Holy F*ck, why do you think I am in here?
Me: Your in there because YOU became so miserable about your drinking, not because you were verbally abusing your wife.
Me: I don't know of very many husbands who tell their wives that they deserved what they got because of the clothes they were wearing when a professor makes a pass at them, but you did. You HID my clothes from me!
Him: why did I have to, why are you wearing them?
Me: I'm not wearing anything that your average 32 year old woman isn't wearing. You've accused me of sleeping with the dude at the gas station because he likes techno music and I *happen* to listen to techno when I work out.
Him: Is that all you got, can I go now?
Me: yep
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Now, I hate myself because I really upset him.
I mean seriously, give the dude a break. He's in there, right? He's working the steps at his own pace. He kept telling me, "don't worry, you'll have your day to tell me what a piece of sh*it I am". I told him that wasn't what this was about.
Ok, free, maybe just back off a little. I mean, I'm getting all worked up because of this beautiful little thing called "recovery" and it's got me all brave and confident. Then I just unload. Not too fair in all actuality. I don't know.....
I mean seriously, give the dude a break. He's in there, right? He's working the steps at his own pace. He kept telling me, "don't worry, you'll have your day to tell me what a piece of sh*it I am". I told him that wasn't what this was about.
Ok, free, maybe just back off a little. I mean, I'm getting all worked up because of this beautiful little thing called "recovery" and it's got me all brave and confident. Then I just unload. Not too fair in all actuality. I don't know.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile.....You give YOURSELF a break...and stop second-guessing yourself.
Nothing you can say is going to "crush" this guy! He has layers of defenses to protect himself. You are the one who needs the protections.
Besides, you are only giving it to him straight. Telling your truth.
If he can't handle the truth....then, maybe it is time that he takes his head out of the clouds and starts learning to. That is HIS problem--not yours.
Seriously, freetosmile...this may prove to be far deeper than simply alcoholism. abusive people are about power and control and the dysfunction runs deep.
They are extremely difficult to treat. You may have to face the fact that this is bigger than you will ever be able to deal with. Not without sacrificing yourself, that is....
Perhaps this is something to take to your therapist and examine...?
Grant yourself a night's rest. You have h ad a hard day. You can take it up, again tomorrow....everything looks a bit different in the morning light.
dandylion
Nothing you can say is going to "crush" this guy! He has layers of defenses to protect himself. You are the one who needs the protections.
Besides, you are only giving it to him straight. Telling your truth.
If he can't handle the truth....then, maybe it is time that he takes his head out of the clouds and starts learning to. That is HIS problem--not yours.
Seriously, freetosmile...this may prove to be far deeper than simply alcoholism. abusive people are about power and control and the dysfunction runs deep.
They are extremely difficult to treat. You may have to face the fact that this is bigger than you will ever be able to deal with. Not without sacrificing yourself, that is....
Perhaps this is something to take to your therapist and examine...?
Grant yourself a night's rest. You have h ad a hard day. You can take it up, again tomorrow....everything looks a bit different in the morning light.
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
If it's any consolation, my wife and I went through the same stages.
It can get better, but it will take work on both parts.
You gotta look at this as two plough horses yoked together.
Both gotta move to get anywhere.
If one lays down and won't move, the other horse can't move either.
That's if you want to work it out?
Been to Al anon yet?
Helps my wife a lot.
It can get better, but it will take work on both parts.
You gotta look at this as two plough horses yoked together.
Both gotta move to get anywhere.
If one lays down and won't move, the other horse can't move either.
That's if you want to work it out?
Been to Al anon yet?
Helps my wife a lot.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I just want to know if you feel a tad lighter inside after unloading a bit of that heavy stuffing you've kept inside?
I didn't read you say anything offensive. Sometimes the truth can be offensive for the guilty to hear -- if so, they shouldn't do things that make them guilty!
Give yourself a break. Let your head lay lighter on your pillow tonight!
I didn't read you say anything offensive. Sometimes the truth can be offensive for the guilty to hear -- if so, they shouldn't do things that make them guilty!
Give yourself a break. Let your head lay lighter on your pillow tonight!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Free, it's going to have to come out into the open before he moves back home isn't it? What opportunities will you have to confront him? Maybe over the phone isn't the best time to do it, but you'll have to make sure there is a time. He'll be having group and individual therapy at rehab, so hopefully he's going to raise this phone call himself.
Do you get to talk to his therapist? Make sure you have a few good examples when you do, because his obsessional jealousy is going to make you both miserable until he changes. Or you stop liking the same music as random men
Do you get to talk to his therapist? Make sure you have a few good examples when you do, because his obsessional jealousy is going to make you both miserable until he changes. Or you stop liking the same music as random men
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
freetosmile, I do not see *anything* wrong with what you said. Not a thing. Your statements are truthful. But this: Oh give me a break, really?? Why did he "have to"?? He didn't HAVE to say anything, particularly not "why are you wearing them". Geez!
Him: why did I have to, why are you wearing them?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Maybe it's time for a follow up conversation with his therapist in rehab? Ask him if this 7 page letter was reviewed by him and if it is a part of treatment. Ask him if it was truly mailed.
Can that therapist get records from his home therapist? Have they talked at all? Will they forward records for follow up at discharge so the home therapist knows the score?
I'd just state straight up that you had hoped his controlling, gas lighting, and accusations of affairs, and isolating manipulation from your family would stop with the ending of alcohol. This truly has not been the case. Plainly state him coming home is not safe for the family. He needs a sober living placement. Ask if they are looking into dual diagnosis too!
I warn you here that I dealt with a rehab out of state and they did not have resources to arrange an out of state sober living placement. I told them I did not want H home and that is exactly where he wound up. The rehab's patient is not you and the easiest thing for them is to discharge him home. I'm warning you the rehab might not have your best interests at the core of discharge. It is easiest for them if he goes home - less work! Mine got a list printed off the internet. No one called and set up an interview or determined an opening. I felt it was not my role to set up his discharge and was very angry it was not done. After kicking him out and having him gone 6 weeks I failed and was not strong enough to keep him out if the house. RAH was out in SD so this place could theoretically be where yours is.
I'm warning you early recovery is brittle and exhausting. You don't want this character home if you can help it - even if you have to be a Codie and set up his sober living placement yourself!
As for your other thread with Let Go and Let God, I think your lesson here is to identify and speak for your self worth. You deserve a partner who respects you and cherishes you. You deserve a partner who will support you in working through your past. You deserve a partner who financially pulls his weight. Maybe this 7 page letter will be your harbinger that will help you realize this guy has you twisted in his reality. His reality you are seeing is NOT real. If techno music is proof of an affair, than I am a Super Model and men fawn at my treadmill and follow me around when I run the neighborhood sidewalks! You need to step away to find your path with God. Let go of this man. He is toxic. Sadly toxic is ALL you know Free to Smile. A relationship does not need to be this difficult.
Peace! Advocate for YOU!
Can that therapist get records from his home therapist? Have they talked at all? Will they forward records for follow up at discharge so the home therapist knows the score?
I'd just state straight up that you had hoped his controlling, gas lighting, and accusations of affairs, and isolating manipulation from your family would stop with the ending of alcohol. This truly has not been the case. Plainly state him coming home is not safe for the family. He needs a sober living placement. Ask if they are looking into dual diagnosis too!
I warn you here that I dealt with a rehab out of state and they did not have resources to arrange an out of state sober living placement. I told them I did not want H home and that is exactly where he wound up. The rehab's patient is not you and the easiest thing for them is to discharge him home. I'm warning you the rehab might not have your best interests at the core of discharge. It is easiest for them if he goes home - less work! Mine got a list printed off the internet. No one called and set up an interview or determined an opening. I felt it was not my role to set up his discharge and was very angry it was not done. After kicking him out and having him gone 6 weeks I failed and was not strong enough to keep him out if the house. RAH was out in SD so this place could theoretically be where yours is.
I'm warning you early recovery is brittle and exhausting. You don't want this character home if you can help it - even if you have to be a Codie and set up his sober living placement yourself!
As for your other thread with Let Go and Let God, I think your lesson here is to identify and speak for your self worth. You deserve a partner who respects you and cherishes you. You deserve a partner who will support you in working through your past. You deserve a partner who financially pulls his weight. Maybe this 7 page letter will be your harbinger that will help you realize this guy has you twisted in his reality. His reality you are seeing is NOT real. If techno music is proof of an affair, than I am a Super Model and men fawn at my treadmill and follow me around when I run the neighborhood sidewalks! You need to step away to find your path with God. Let go of this man. He is toxic. Sadly toxic is ALL you know Free to Smile. A relationship does not need to be this difficult.
Peace! Advocate for YOU!
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Yes, I agree that my conversation last night was proof that he hasn't looked at this behavior at all, in fact, he still has the same feelings about it.
I like the treatment center...hell, I was the one who found it. I don't know what they have in the way of discharge. As far as follow up goes.
I couldn't sleep worth a damn last night and here are what my thoughts are:
1. I'm not bringing this behavior up again to HIM. I need to call his therapist. Talking to HIM about it got me nowhere and only left me more frustrated and angry. I mean talk is just talk anyway. I want the damn proof. I mean this guys mom was sleeping with his friends when he was a kid and was just a real winner. I mean when we found each other we both laughed because we both were forced to live in cars as children. He's a real stuffer. It's not my place to tell his story, and I'm NOT making excuses for him. I'm simply stating that he has been drinking since he was 13, last grade completed was 6th because his mom didn't care. HE went for his GED, HE tried to break away from his mother. He has worked his whole life and has a career that he both loves and makes good money at. NO one in his family works. NOT A ONE. HE HAS been trying...especially considering his background. But is it enough?
2. I'm just going to continue to work the steps. That's all I can do right now. I know it's hard for everyone to understand...hell I don't really understand it, but I DO have a real honest love for him. I WANT him to overcome. Maybe it's important to me because I need to know that people coming such utter dysfunction as kids(like me) CAN overcome. Our mothers are like peas and carrots. I KNOW my AH WANTS to overcome that BS. But whether he does or not is not my call I guess.
3. Be firm in my boundaries. I need to work on that with my therapist next week and really stick with them. Yes, he is toxic right now and he has been for a long time. I don't need that in my life and yet I am not leaving him, so I need to keep the toxicity at a safe distance from me and the kids. I will look into a separate housing arrangement.
I like the treatment center...hell, I was the one who found it. I don't know what they have in the way of discharge. As far as follow up goes.
I couldn't sleep worth a damn last night and here are what my thoughts are:
1. I'm not bringing this behavior up again to HIM. I need to call his therapist. Talking to HIM about it got me nowhere and only left me more frustrated and angry. I mean talk is just talk anyway. I want the damn proof. I mean this guys mom was sleeping with his friends when he was a kid and was just a real winner. I mean when we found each other we both laughed because we both were forced to live in cars as children. He's a real stuffer. It's not my place to tell his story, and I'm NOT making excuses for him. I'm simply stating that he has been drinking since he was 13, last grade completed was 6th because his mom didn't care. HE went for his GED, HE tried to break away from his mother. He has worked his whole life and has a career that he both loves and makes good money at. NO one in his family works. NOT A ONE. HE HAS been trying...especially considering his background. But is it enough?
2. I'm just going to continue to work the steps. That's all I can do right now. I know it's hard for everyone to understand...hell I don't really understand it, but I DO have a real honest love for him. I WANT him to overcome. Maybe it's important to me because I need to know that people coming such utter dysfunction as kids(like me) CAN overcome. Our mothers are like peas and carrots. I KNOW my AH WANTS to overcome that BS. But whether he does or not is not my call I guess.
3. Be firm in my boundaries. I need to work on that with my therapist next week and really stick with them. Yes, he is toxic right now and he has been for a long time. I don't need that in my life and yet I am not leaving him, so I need to keep the toxicity at a safe distance from me and the kids. I will look into a separate housing arrangement.
Last edited by freetosmile; 01-02-2015 at 08:14 AM. Reason: typo
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Location: Alaska
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Oh, free. My AH is the exact same way. Instead of moving forward, he chooses to FREAK OUT about my past (namely, I've dated & yes, slept with, more people than he has) every single time we have an argument. It never has ANYTHING to do with the cause of the argument but yet he throws around the horrible names like they're popcorn & WILL NOT change how he handles his own anger/frustation.
All 3 of the things you listed above are the only way to go, especially #3. And...if sticking to those 3 things doesn't work, I would take a good hard look at your life & yours kids' lives & decide if you want to continue to be around that kind of cray-cray.
It's what Im having to do right now, because my H has unfortunately learned so far that there are no consequences to his actions-I keep giving him chances to "work on it" & each time I am let down completely.
Time to start focusing on myself & my son...It might be time for you to do the same,
All 3 of the things you listed above are the only way to go, especially #3. And...if sticking to those 3 things doesn't work, I would take a good hard look at your life & yours kids' lives & decide if you want to continue to be around that kind of cray-cray.
It's what Im having to do right now, because my H has unfortunately learned so far that there are no consequences to his actions-I keep giving him chances to "work on it" & each time I am let down completely.
Time to start focusing on myself & my son...It might be time for you to do the same,
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If you really want to get back at someone show indifference. Yawn, change the subject mid-rant or just walk out of the room (without slamming the door!). Much more effective than showing anger.
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