Accepting the family
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Accepting the family
First let me say that I believe that acceptance is the key to everything. That includes my past.
When I began recovery it was situational. My son was drinking and my husband was both livid and loud. My life had spun out of control.
As I moved forward I also looked back and was literally slapped in the face by the facts surrounding this Family Disease. I had spent my life up until then reacting to my upbringing and boy was I pissed! The dysfunction in addicted families was running the show, not me.
In time I had to learn to accept my parents for who they were. My mother hadn't hatched from an egg...she had a past, a painful one. My father, the alcoholic, was not the only drunk in his family so something was going on there too.
They didn't do the things they did TO me...they were living their lives the best they knew how at the time. And I was doing the same. Fortunately for me I began to know better ways. Sadly my mother never did.
Acceptance of what went before me was key for me to move forward.
Hugs,
JT
When I began recovery it was situational. My son was drinking and my husband was both livid and loud. My life had spun out of control.
As I moved forward I also looked back and was literally slapped in the face by the facts surrounding this Family Disease. I had spent my life up until then reacting to my upbringing and boy was I pissed! The dysfunction in addicted families was running the show, not me.
In time I had to learn to accept my parents for who they were. My mother hadn't hatched from an egg...she had a past, a painful one. My father, the alcoholic, was not the only drunk in his family so something was going on there too.
They didn't do the things they did TO me...they were living their lives the best they knew how at the time. And I was doing the same. Fortunately for me I began to know better ways. Sadly my mother never did.
Acceptance of what went before me was key for me to move forward.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by JT
Fortunately for me I began to know better ways. Sadly my mother never did.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I'm in an interesting place with my family.
I have accepted that they did the best they could. I no longer have anger at either one of them, at least I don't think I do.
However, I have not reached a point where I've allowed them to be an integral part of my life. It's weird. I got a call from my mom last night. She never calls me, and she seemed upset and wanted to know why I hadn't called home lately.
I never call home, but this isn't new. I've just been living my life and not including them, not really. My mom asked for updates on different events and occurences, stuff I hadn't shared with them, details I haven't given. It wasn't a conscious exclusion on my part either. I think they sense something different from me, something that I'm not even aware of. Apparently, once I started accepting them, I managed to build an even bigger wall. I think it's my way of accepting yet not allowing their stuff to affect me.
It makes me sad, but I don't know what to do about it. The even sadder thing is, I don't know if I care enough to try. I love my family but I guess some part of me just doesn't trust them or something...
I have accepted that they did the best they could. I no longer have anger at either one of them, at least I don't think I do.
However, I have not reached a point where I've allowed them to be an integral part of my life. It's weird. I got a call from my mom last night. She never calls me, and she seemed upset and wanted to know why I hadn't called home lately.
I never call home, but this isn't new. I've just been living my life and not including them, not really. My mom asked for updates on different events and occurences, stuff I hadn't shared with them, details I haven't given. It wasn't a conscious exclusion on my part either. I think they sense something different from me, something that I'm not even aware of. Apparently, once I started accepting them, I managed to build an even bigger wall. I think it's my way of accepting yet not allowing their stuff to affect me.
It makes me sad, but I don't know what to do about it. The even sadder thing is, I don't know if I care enough to try. I love my family but I guess some part of me just doesn't trust them or something...
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
JG,
And who can blame you? I don't trust the Beav and often I don't trust Ward. Accepting a person for who they are may mean accepting that they can't be trusted. Accepting that they don't have your best interest in mind. That was a hard one for me to accept. I want so badly to believe that I am loved and cared for. That is not always the case. In fact, in my experience that is often the case.
The people I can not trust far outnumber the people that I can. When I refuse to accept that I choose to call it denial.
Hugs,
JT
And who can blame you? I don't trust the Beav and often I don't trust Ward. Accepting a person for who they are may mean accepting that they can't be trusted. Accepting that they don't have your best interest in mind. That was a hard one for me to accept. I want so badly to believe that I am loved and cared for. That is not always the case. In fact, in my experience that is often the case.
The people I can not trust far outnumber the people that I can. When I refuse to accept that I choose to call it denial.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by JT
Accepting a person for who they are may mean accepting that they can't be trusted. Accepting that they don't have your best interest in mind. That was a hard one for me to accept. I want so badly to believe that I am loved and cared for.
sparkling hazeleyes
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
JT,
You have been an angel. I love all of your post, and I find that they help open my eyes to what I need to do to heal me.
I think I am going to go to the Caron Foundation to help me with my anger issues. I am a little scared, but if it will help me heal, it will be worth it in the end.
Have a wonderful day!
Sad_Hazeleyes
You have been an angel. I love all of your post, and I find that they help open my eyes to what I need to do to heal me.
I think I am going to go to the Caron Foundation to help me with my anger issues. I am a little scared, but if it will help me heal, it will be worth it in the end.
Have a wonderful day!
Sad_Hazeleyes
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
JT-
Acceptance of the things,people,and places I cannot change. It doesn't have to be sad. Today I can find joy in accepting. I have found all kinds of ways to change myself and I totally like changing me.
Acceptance of the things,people,and places I cannot change. It doesn't have to be sad. Today I can find joy in accepting. I have found all kinds of ways to change myself and I totally like changing me.
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
My mom evicted me from her life for 20 years. Anger?? You betcha. Through those years my feelings ran the entire emotional spectrum. I knew why...she couldn't stand up to my step dad without risking her financial security. But not long before he died she DID stand up to him. I take comfort in that but it doesn't bring back the years that were lost.
If I refused to accept her, with all her weaknesses, I would miss the remaining years in her life. She has cancer and today I am her confidant.
Acceptance, like forgiveness, is healing.
Hugs,
JT
If I refused to accept her, with all her weaknesses, I would miss the remaining years in her life. She has cancer and today I am her confidant.
Acceptance, like forgiveness, is healing.
Hugs,
JT
"Tonight I Wanna Cry"
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 268
it's hard to accept your family, when they won't accept me for who I am. It gets very hard when everything that happens is supposedly my fault. If I speak at the wrong time i get yelled at. And it's not my dad, the one who drank all the time. it's my grandparents who make my life hard.
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