Spacegoat

After alcohol dependence. Is it possible?

I know from reading on here and life in general that some people have been able to live a happy, healthy and productive life after alcoholism. Yet they usually seem to have had a good support network beforehand and throughout, from what I have seen anyway. While not to deflect blame or responsibility for my own behavior with alcohol, there is a lot too that I cant do anything about, i.e. family circumstances and a completely greedy/selfish/unsupportive ex partner.

These people have literally left me for dead, distraught and penniless with nowhere to go after stripping me of my money and possessions. It also came to light that I had been cheated on and lied to for a long time, I would not have found out were it not for a VD, well actually I was told also but my ex just continued to lie about, even though it was clear that I only wanted the truth and could not ever get myself together without that. My family did not support me during the breakup, infact they convinced each other that I was the problem, my girlfriend was a reasonable (spoilt princess) person so they would side with her.

My mother I believe is a pathological liar, I'm pretty sure of it and show owes me a considerable sum of money (my life savings) if that explains anything. We got along relatively fine before I gave her the money, but since then I have actively heard her turn the others against me, trying to recall any little detail my whole life that could be used against me! As for my brother, her main supporter, well I have observed a particularly nasty streak in him, it was obvious that he was somehow in glee at the family news that I was having a breakdown. There is no reason why as I have supported him through college, physically and financially, its obvious that he is vying for position. He is also a closet homosexual and has been said that he probably harbors resentment, well its seems to be directed at me and probably because I rose above all the family problems (was not good ever) and was doing well for myself for a few years. Had a steady job in a large company, my own place, a car on the road, lots of friends, a dj hobby etc. Nobody has been more delighted to see it come crashing down that him for some reason. As for my ex partner, she is aware of all this and has sidled up to them , I can only assume so that she can shirk responsibility for her own actions. Since I found out she was cheating, she completely cut all contact and I haven't seen my kid in nearly 2 years apart from once. I was a great dad by all accounts

Apparently this is all because of my drinking! Nobody whatsoever feels they have any part to play, even though 'my drinking' never actually impacted on any of their lives, I was living on my own and in a different town. I would drink all week on my own for ten days and make and ass of myself, then sober & tidy up toward the weekend where I would have custody of my kid for 2 days. Then repeat the cycle, it went on for two years. Naturally I was unhappy and hard closed myself off to any input from friends etc as they were all out having a great time, nobody was in the same position as me anyway. And since I did get sober, not one of them said well done or anything like that, infact my mother and brother were visibly annoyed by that fact as they could no longer throw that line at me!

Theres another dimension to their plot as well, it revolves around the house they are living in, the so-called family home (it was never felt that). Basically it belongs to another indirect family member who is paying the mortgage on it, My mother started blocking this person from the house and they have convinced themselves that they should now have it, and have been looking to make that legal. I said all along well its not right, they think this other member should be paying their mortgage while at the same time, not welcome at the house. And I'm suppose to be living not in reality? Anyway, I think that stating my opinion on that matter (basically that I didn't think it was right, eh what) is in large part why they have actively pushed me out and disowned me… Isn't this some BS?! Has anyone else ever been in a trap like that???

Like, **** man. I don't know if the hardship I have felt has come across in any of that, but believe me it has already been hard. I tried to shape myself up and put my best foot forward best I could, to meet new people and put that behind me but, as I was drinking the whole time well to say that it hasn't really worked out would be an understatement. Obvioulsy I have been disturbed by all of this. I have only starting to face up to it the past few months, finally sober but the problems are all still there!!!

So I know I can take one day at a time, be thankful for what I have and not whats gone etc which I am but man its so depressing! I don't know if I can ever be happy again and that is scary. Ironically it was me and my kid who brought the family back together again, and now I'm just annexed from the whole lot. 'Because of my drinking'. And it doesn't seem to matter now wether I'm drinking or not, thats just their stock response.

What do I do? I know its a difficult one to answer and, it's not going to be fixed overnight nor I'm sure will some things ever be the same again. But as for myself what do I do now? It would be easy to abandon all hope but, man I'm doing my best here and thats all I can do. I don't know what to do. I know I can not make the situation any worse by drinking all the time and letting these problems manifest in other ways, saying and doing all the wrongs things like which I was, its as if Im hardwired to sabotage myself across all endeavors when I'm drinking man that is so apparent now.

Apart from not drinking about it, can anyone offer me any advice???

It would be really appreciated.

Dee74

Hi Stevey

I really believe that there is life after recovery - I'm living it.

8 years or so ago I was an all day everyday drinker, lost two careers, lost two partners, lost friends - the only people I had left were people who drank like I did.

I hated myself I hated my life and I felt like I'd never fit in in my family.

The only thing I had going for me was I decided emphatically I didn;t want to die this way. I wanted to stop drinking and see where recovery led me.

I have a life now I could have have dreamed o then - I like who I am, I love life, and even my relationship with my family is better.

I feel like, for the first time as an adult, I'm truly and authentically me.

It's like my old life was black and white and now I'm in Technicolour.

There's no magic spell - just a lot of commitment and hard work - work that for me went beyond just not drinking, and into dealing with some very old and entrenched demons.

It took a lot of time, and patience, and some help from experts in counselling, but I made it.

There's absolutely no reason why you can't too, Stevey.

you climb the mountain one day at a time, man

D

Spacegoat

Hi Dee

I gotta say dude, all of your posts are really insightful and helpful around the site, and I have noticed that you seem to be someone who was down and out according to yourself, and now living a joyful life. Your an inspiration man and I am really happy for ya

It seems then by what you say that we have had a lot in common, well I am in the same position now as you were. All I know is that I do not want to die, I am totally open to improving myself I just don't know where to start with all these problems.

Yeah its going to be hard work for sure, and painful. As it already has. I think I have those very old demons as well, not sure how entrenched they are as I'm beginning to recognize the fact at least. But they are there.

Ok man well thanks for the response. I'm going to log out for a bit, finally time to tidy up round here, need to do a few things today.

But if anyone else has been in similar positions too or can offer any input, please do. It all helps, even just to write some of my thoughts out because sometimes I feel its the things that I never got a chance to say that are causing me the most harm, if that makes any sense.

Peace

Dee74

The first step is actually pretty easy Stevey - you're doing it.
Don't drink.

Thats all I focused on for the first 30 days.

You head will clear, and your perceptions will change. Then you can look past the not drinking into whatever else you feel needs doing

This is not a race - it's the rest of your life. Don't be in too much of a hurry

D

Tonks

I really, really, really like this D. Thanks.

instant

It's amazing what happened once I stopped poisoning myself. I got better. Over time I had the capacity to do more and live a better life. I keep growing- I didn't imagine it could be like this- I predicted a life of boredom and feeling deprived.

It is possible

Soberwolf

Completly agree with D

Stevey 21 months ago i could not stay sober now im 17.5 months sober

Thanks D

Stevey you can do this you are doing this lean on us for support if you start to get cravings etc

Well done bud

desypete

the thing i have come to learn to do in aa is look honestly at me and to stop blaming anyone else for anything

my ex wife for example i could fill a book with from all the past hurts and how she is living today while i have the kids and had to look after them on my own for the last 9 years etc

but whats the point ? it will only hurt me to live in those bad feelings

have a read of what you say about other people in your life, you seem to have a complaint about everyone and you make yourself look like a saint ?

if it wasn't for you they wouldn't have this or that, ??? whats that all about ?

that is what i have had to let go of doing, i have to learn to let go of things that hurt me or live on and on in my head as i can make myself look like a saint to and not tell people how it really was to live with me or my controling ways

it takes so much time for me to start to really get honest about me and what i am like and thanks to aa and the work i have done with my sponsor it pays off

today i can wish my ex wife all the best, i hope one day she to can find her own help she owes me nothing,

everyone i ever gave money to in the past owe me nothing.

i let go of it all and the pay off is peace in my mind and in my heart

Spacegoat

Hello desypete and thanks for your reply.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. On plus side, you have ended up with the kids and I'm sure they are your main focus. That would be a dream to me. I hope your life is going well.

I understand what you are saying about re-living those feelings. There is no point. I am over that part now, though it took me a lot longer than it should have as I never got any answers, I had to sit down every day and go back over the relationship from day one to try and figure out what was really going on. It wasn't easy and there was no need for it, man the pain I felt at that time now looking back. So then, instead of lashing outs or being vindictive, I tried to do the responsible thing. I wrote very simple and direct text messages in response to seeing the kid. I waited patiently for weeks and no response, so I wrote a letter as to the same. I then contacted a mediation service who invited her to a meeting….Nothing back.

I suppose I got angry then and hit back on the drink, I bought some new clothes and start to frequent some local bars. My ego was the only thing keeping me going at this point. To cut a long story short, here I am two years later and I have eventually learned to live with the apology I never got. It was a very callous way to end a ten year relationship by all accounts, and just because I found out she was cheating. I'm only stating the facts

Well no fella, at no point am I trying to say I am a saint and neither do I want to be. This past year, particularly the last few months I have absolutely come to the conclusion that I have nobody to blame for my drinking and self destructive behavior, regardless of the underlying factors. I had a lot of friends and I let that slide, there are people willing to help me and opportunities and I pushed them away etc etc…

Really the motivation for me writing this post was from reading other women's experiences around the alchoholism. How their son for example is negatively impacting their life, or how they feel they owe it to a partner to tell them why they are leaving or even how they are supporting a partner through all of this. There was none of that in my case! The only bits there are are on a very superficial level at least. And thats the bit that I'm confused about in my instance. As I said I was living alone through all of my drinking time. I brought it to my family that i had a problem, and now they have adopted this victim type of mentality out of it. They don't bother to contact me at all, this christmas and the last, meanwhile they are playing happy families with the kids. I have asked my mother on numerous occasion to tell me when my son was there so we could visit, which she has not done even once.

Another example I can give you is his birthday before last… I told her what gift I was buying him (had to post it). Well it turns out I hear that she went and bought him the same thing, and then asked him which one he liked better!!! Now what does that imply??? Because I'm not sure…

Hey look I'm not looking for any sympathy here, I'm only putting out some thoughts on an anonymous forum to see if anyone has ever felt the same or had some similar problems to work with. I would love to say well golly I must have been a nightmare to live with when I was doing all of that drinking then, but I was indeed living on my own. For many years. And it was a nightmare!

All I am saying is that my direct family have not been nearly as supportive as they would like to make out to others. They have not had to 'live with my drinking' as is often the case, as I was living alone. It's just a fact. And I'm confused by that.

Ok right, cheers.

Hawkeye13

Whatever has happened in the past Steve, the good news is you get to write the next chapter.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and ended up spending most of my life rescuing her from her drunken antics and taking care of her issues.
The stress of this was pretty extreme, and I ended up becoming an alcoholic as well. So I guess you could say that I didn't get much support from my family either.

When I quit, I did it on my own without help or active support from my husband.
He still drinks in my home and I deal with that even though I don't like it much, because
he has rights too and I accept that.

I learned the hard way that recovery, and stopping drinking is something you do by yourself for yourself and when you do,
and quit worrying about what support you get or don't get, or the reasons why the drinking happened in the first place, you can find peace.

I found peace and empowerment from taking back my life from alcohol.
It wasn't easy in the beginning because I used it to deal with real pain and suffering I was getting from my family and my own choices.
I had to learn new ways to deal with that and also to look at the deeper psychological issues that led to me becoming addicted. All of that is hard work.

But, it is totally worth it and I encourage you to move forward, write off the past, and realize you are a good person who is worth saving.
You truly can save yourself, and you can do that with a strong commitment not only to stopping drinking but to recovery from alcoholism.
By recovery, I mean living your life to the fullest and no longer wanting or needing alcohol to cope with daily living and its inherent problems.

I wish you strength in that effort, and please post and read here frequently as it really can help on the way.

To a happier New Year. . .

Wholesome

I think one of the things that link us all together is pain and suffering... we can all relate to loss and betrayals and at times a sense of hopelessness. This too shall pass. You won't always be in this state. One day I'm sure you will be able to reconnect with your son... As far as family goes, try to love them the best you can but sometimes that's not enough. Create your own sense of family with people who make you feel good and drop anyone who makes you feel ******. All the best.

FreeOwl

Absolutely. Without question. There is an amazing life in recovery. Everyone's path is different - but all of them are better.

Take the first steps in faith. Take them because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Before you know it, you will see the improvements happening.

Not long after that, you'll see things better than you ever imagined.

Along the way, you'll find gratitude and joy and appreciation.

yinzer

Some of us have hugely toxic people and awful circumstances in our life, with or without the drink. It is easier to deal with them and get your path set right without being drunk, that's for sure.

MIRecovery

There is life after alcohol and I have been living it. I have found that recovery is about building a new life not trying to salvage the old. AA give me a blueprint for living and for the first time in my life I knew where I was going. Regardless of my past or those in it I took responsibility for my sobriety once and for all. My alcoholism was my problem and it was up to me to fix it. Slowly but surely I rebuilt my life and today things are pretty darn good. Nobody ever said life was fair and this year life threw a curve ball at me that I still trying to recover from but I am doing it sober.

Just put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can do today. This simple theory has brought about change that I did not believe was possible.

Our future is in our hands all we have to do is to reach out and grasp it

beach20

Dear all,

The posts on this thread are very meaningful and helpful to me. Through the grace of God, after nearly losing everything, (well, my friends, my career, bankruptcy, and having to come back to a place I don't want to live, and nearly my daughter).....I somehow got up again...with a long way to go. But I am sober today...going to AA, joining a church, will be volunteering at the Humane Society and who knows what else...if I can stay sober. You are all helping me do that.

MIRecovery

Do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Sounds like you have a great plan in place. Sobriety is abut what we do not what we intend to do

Spacegoat

Thanks a lot for all the helpful & considerate responses. I will look back at them during difficult times ahead

Nowsthetime

Great comments, I just have one more: you have rights as a father and unless there's a court order preventing you from seeing your child she can't just "keep him away". Your child needs a sober you and needs you in his life. There are ways to make this happen and they will more likely happen if you are sober.

We are with you!!!

Spacegoat

Hi Nowsthetime thanks and great name you have there. Well its funny you should say that as its whats been on my mind this morning, in the back of it at least.

I contacted a solicitor a few weeks before the xmas, basically told her that I had exhausted all other avenues and I was hoping to see the kid for xmas, me and the other side of my family. Well anyways the solicitor goes 'oh thats awful, we can bring a criminal case against her for ignoring the court order' etc. I said 'LOL'. In other words no, the point is not to be vengeful, I am just trying to see the kid as per what is good and right. I'm pretty sure she was expecting me as I had been referred by another brief (it's all really close-nit stuff over here, I'm not sure if some of you will understand. Not like in the city at all even, everyone knows everybody and everything about them be it real or perceived and for a good radius I'd imagine).

Anyways, to cut the long story short. The sols. sent a letter requesting us access for what was a fortnight before xmas, and then the regular bi-weekend visit on Stephens day, which would have enabled us here to actually have an xmas, you know… So she said she will let me know if there was any response and that I should Vice Versa. Anyways so there was no response all round so I guess its court again now in the new year. Im waiting for the solicitors office to re-open on the 5th…

I don't know why I'm so worried about the process. And neither do I know why people do be all like "I will see you in court, I will have my say in court!" etc. I bet that is my exes mentality, she is not going to the stressed about it. I think its a terrible to have to conduct affairs, which is why I basically exhausted all other avenues before that. I guess I'm worried that I will be judged on more than wants before the courts? I dont know. It does happen. I would be very surprised if the judge comes on my side, don't know I suppose because he has been very harsh on my for other matters over the years (a couple of misdemeanors- drink related. Im not a master criminal or anything like that!). The judge as well, there are layers of relationships going way back before I was born. I think him and my father had a fight one time! I don't speak to my father anyway, unfortunately its not possible (he's very abusive) but I do feel sorry for him sometimes. So the judge yeah, also he is I think he is fairly friendly with my mothers sister! The one that still talks to my mother, and of course me and my mother don't get along now, this sister would be an enabler for her! A totally selfish bitch I might add. Doesn't have kids and never took an interest in any of us, she's my godmother for some reason. Whatever that means, she was sh*t one! And thats a judgment by me, the fact is that she never took an interest in my as a child or my siblings so... She never accepted my 'friend request' on fakebook either, looking at some of her posts well I'm glad… They were nicknamed 'the terrible twins' when they were my age btw, her and my mother, I can only imagine why…

Isn't that some pile of crap??? Like look at all of them parameters! and those are but a few. All of that has nothing got to do with me and my kid and here I am worrying to what degree its going to affect an outcome, never mind my own well documented and bizarre drunken behavior that everyone knows about. It just all means that I do not know where to place my faith! Like how am I going to get a fresh slate ever I don't know, I'm not sure if I even ever had one. ( Somebody even told me that it was a sin that I was even born! Gee thanks)

So yeah look I'm being negative now. I just gotta be positive and hope for the best I suppose. But all that stuff I said is true I just gotta try to not focus on it! Because at the end of the day it is me reaching out to the courts here, because I am trying to do the right thing its not even for my benefit I owe it to the kid. So wether that fact is lost or not in proceedings we will see…

Battling depression now again at the same time, not to sound selfish but obviously none of this helps. I was doing good, ahead of meself and motivated until I had the relapse thingy about ten days ago. Which reminds me, I need to make some maintenance payments to that ex as Im outta cheques. Cant find my bank card anywhere the past few days. I really have not been on top of anything since the relapse, sleeping eating and looking on here only, the place is a mess still.

(Hey Hawkeye seen you are on here today again too, yours was one of the particularly helpful comments so thanks again)

Peace

Nowsthetime

The only thing you can control is yourself, not what your ex or judge does so as long as you are doing well and staying sober this will be noted. Try to not focus on what will happen then. Do things the right way now and things will fall into place in the future. I hope that everything turn out for the better. The only times I have seen parents be denied seeing their kid is when the parent is a danger to themselves or the kid. Don't tell them you have changed (they have heard it all), show them.