Breaking free!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
Breaking free!
Well tonight was a pretty big night for me.
For anyone who has not read my prior posts, for three plus years I have been seeing a woman (Amy) who is an opiate addict (oxy and heroin). I did not know she was an opiate addict when I met her (she lied to me about it) and only learned about it 18 months into the relationship.
I then tried to help her first by giving her a job (at my firm) with health insurance, and then getting her into a suboxone maintenance program. (I now know suboxone maintenance programs are pretty bogus, but I was very ignorant about drugs at the time.) This lasted for roughly another 18 months (although she was using at times, behind my back), until early September when she completely relapsed and again started heavily using heroin.
When I found out about this relapse (she hid it from me for a month) I got her into detox and then inpatient rehab, and she continued with outpatient rehab. For the very first time in her life she was in an actual recovery program, and has managed to keep herself clean for roughly 80 days. The treatment cost many thousands of dollars, but the insurance covered most of it, and what insurance did not cover I paid for. I actually temporarily withdrew money from my retirement account and my kids' college savings accounts to help pay for it. (I did put the money back thank god.)
Meanwhile, for most of the past 3 years I have been Amy's sole source of economic support -- covering her rent and all of her economic needs
When Amy got out of rehab her personality was changed substantially -- for the simple reason that she had basically been on drugs the entire time I had known her, and this was the first time I was dealing with the un-medicated Amy. She was incredibly cold, distant, surly and selfish, despite the fact that I was continuing to help her in any and every way possible (not just financially, but going with her to meetings, getting into my own Nar-Anon and Al-Anon program, meeting with her counselors when asked, etc., etc.) Meanwhile, Amy did the bare minimum for her recovery -- she kept clean and went to about 3 meetings a week, but otherwise mostly sat around the house and watched TV.
Finally things got so bad that we mutually agreed to take a 7 week break from seeing each other, with the hope that it would allow her time to "focus on herself" and maybe recover enough to become someone who could be a bearable girlfriend.
Tonight, about 2 weeks into our break, I learned from a mutual acquaintance that Amy was, in fact, still regularly in touch with her ex-boyfriend. He lives in Maryland. This ex-boyfriend (Mike) is the person who introduced her to opiates 6 years ago. Amy and Mike became heavy drug addicts together and were together for two years. They first had an apartment for about a year, but could not afford it because of their habit. They then moved in with Mike's mother (who was clueless about their drug use). But eventually Mike kicked Amy out and abandoned her. Nice guy. At that point she had a $1000 per week habit. After that she had to crawl back to NJ and move in with her mother (alcoholic) and brother (drug addict). It was under those circumstances that I met her.
Amy stayed in contact with Mike, obviously hoping to win him back. He would sometimes **** her, but he never was willing to commit to any kind of relationship (duh). Mike still lives with his mom, he's an active opiate addict, and he's facing 3 felony indictments for possession with intent to distribute. (He also has a prior criminal record.) He's a real winner.
At any rate, when I learned she was still trying to win Mike back, I texted her and asked if I could drop by to say hello. My pretense was that I needed to go grocery shopping, which was near her apartment (and which was true -- I really did need to grocery shop because my daughter's back from college). When I got there we had a sort of meandering conversation about her addiction, what she's been doing, our relationship, etc., but I gradually steered the conversation to Mike. She denied it at first, but gradually admitted that she still thought of Mike, and still was in contact with him, and still wanted to see him. After more gentle but persistent questioning from me (I'm a trial lawyer and can get most witnesses to admit to anything), she finally admitted that she is seeing Mike, and in fact he is coming up TOMORROW (yes, tomorrow) to **** her. Incredible.
Ok, so far par for the course right? What could I expect from a drug addict? But it gets better.
Instead of being angry, losing my cool, raising my voice or engaging in any name calling, I tell Amy that the relationship is completely over, that I will never see her again, and that she should never contact me. Of course, she also loses all support. Not only am I acting calmly, I really am calm. I know when I'm upset -- tightness in the chest, sick to my stomach, red face, tense clipped speech. But there was none of that. I just said it was over and walked out.
One other interesting thing. She was also calm -- indeed, as cold as ice. I realized then that she was a true sociopath -- someone with no moral core, no real emotions. Everything about her was an act. I was actually less horrified than morbidly fascinated. I even said to her, "you really are just completely cold and heartless." She didn't disagree.
But here's the really funny thing.
I walked out to my car.
And then I went grocery shopping.
I didn't feel morose or broken or cheated. I felt weirdly elated. Honestly, I was giddy. By the time I got to the grocery store I could not wipe the smile off my face and was nearly dancing down the aisles. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. When I got to the check out, the check out guy said "I hope you are enjoying the day that is given to you." Whatever happened to "paper or plastic?" I laughed and said yes, I am actually enjoying the day very much, I did not expect it to turn out well, but it really did. And then the check out guy says, "we can't control what happens, we can only control how we react to it."
Now I ask you, how ******* weird is that? I believe that's called kismet.
But here's the funniest thing of all. I don't feel any anger to this person. I don't hope she relapses. I don't care what happens to her at all. She's not my problem and -- more importantly -- I have no control over what happens to her anyway. Thinking I could control Amy -- for good or ill -- is about as crazy as thinking I could control the weather. I have finally understood and accepted the most basic principle of the 12 step program. And learned a lot about myself in the process. Next month I turn 52. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
And when I got home, my daughter was there hanging out with her friends. My son's home from college on Sunday. And I heaved a sigh of satisfaction. Life really does have many wonderful things worth thinking about and caring about. What a drug addict elects to do on any given day just isn't one of them.
Obviously, I thank all of you in the SR community for your helpful and sympathetic comments over the past weeks, but I must extend a special heartfelt thanks to Zoso who must be something of a genius. He called this from the start and got it right every inch of the way. Zoso, wherever you are at this moment, I hope I get to meet you in person some day so I can thank you properly and give you a brotherly hug.
For anyone who has not read my prior posts, for three plus years I have been seeing a woman (Amy) who is an opiate addict (oxy and heroin). I did not know she was an opiate addict when I met her (she lied to me about it) and only learned about it 18 months into the relationship.
I then tried to help her first by giving her a job (at my firm) with health insurance, and then getting her into a suboxone maintenance program. (I now know suboxone maintenance programs are pretty bogus, but I was very ignorant about drugs at the time.) This lasted for roughly another 18 months (although she was using at times, behind my back), until early September when she completely relapsed and again started heavily using heroin.
When I found out about this relapse (she hid it from me for a month) I got her into detox and then inpatient rehab, and she continued with outpatient rehab. For the very first time in her life she was in an actual recovery program, and has managed to keep herself clean for roughly 80 days. The treatment cost many thousands of dollars, but the insurance covered most of it, and what insurance did not cover I paid for. I actually temporarily withdrew money from my retirement account and my kids' college savings accounts to help pay for it. (I did put the money back thank god.)
Meanwhile, for most of the past 3 years I have been Amy's sole source of economic support -- covering her rent and all of her economic needs
When Amy got out of rehab her personality was changed substantially -- for the simple reason that she had basically been on drugs the entire time I had known her, and this was the first time I was dealing with the un-medicated Amy. She was incredibly cold, distant, surly and selfish, despite the fact that I was continuing to help her in any and every way possible (not just financially, but going with her to meetings, getting into my own Nar-Anon and Al-Anon program, meeting with her counselors when asked, etc., etc.) Meanwhile, Amy did the bare minimum for her recovery -- she kept clean and went to about 3 meetings a week, but otherwise mostly sat around the house and watched TV.
Finally things got so bad that we mutually agreed to take a 7 week break from seeing each other, with the hope that it would allow her time to "focus on herself" and maybe recover enough to become someone who could be a bearable girlfriend.
Tonight, about 2 weeks into our break, I learned from a mutual acquaintance that Amy was, in fact, still regularly in touch with her ex-boyfriend. He lives in Maryland. This ex-boyfriend (Mike) is the person who introduced her to opiates 6 years ago. Amy and Mike became heavy drug addicts together and were together for two years. They first had an apartment for about a year, but could not afford it because of their habit. They then moved in with Mike's mother (who was clueless about their drug use). But eventually Mike kicked Amy out and abandoned her. Nice guy. At that point she had a $1000 per week habit. After that she had to crawl back to NJ and move in with her mother (alcoholic) and brother (drug addict). It was under those circumstances that I met her.
Amy stayed in contact with Mike, obviously hoping to win him back. He would sometimes **** her, but he never was willing to commit to any kind of relationship (duh). Mike still lives with his mom, he's an active opiate addict, and he's facing 3 felony indictments for possession with intent to distribute. (He also has a prior criminal record.) He's a real winner.
At any rate, when I learned she was still trying to win Mike back, I texted her and asked if I could drop by to say hello. My pretense was that I needed to go grocery shopping, which was near her apartment (and which was true -- I really did need to grocery shop because my daughter's back from college). When I got there we had a sort of meandering conversation about her addiction, what she's been doing, our relationship, etc., but I gradually steered the conversation to Mike. She denied it at first, but gradually admitted that she still thought of Mike, and still was in contact with him, and still wanted to see him. After more gentle but persistent questioning from me (I'm a trial lawyer and can get most witnesses to admit to anything), she finally admitted that she is seeing Mike, and in fact he is coming up TOMORROW (yes, tomorrow) to **** her. Incredible.
Ok, so far par for the course right? What could I expect from a drug addict? But it gets better.
Instead of being angry, losing my cool, raising my voice or engaging in any name calling, I tell Amy that the relationship is completely over, that I will never see her again, and that she should never contact me. Of course, she also loses all support. Not only am I acting calmly, I really am calm. I know when I'm upset -- tightness in the chest, sick to my stomach, red face, tense clipped speech. But there was none of that. I just said it was over and walked out.
One other interesting thing. She was also calm -- indeed, as cold as ice. I realized then that she was a true sociopath -- someone with no moral core, no real emotions. Everything about her was an act. I was actually less horrified than morbidly fascinated. I even said to her, "you really are just completely cold and heartless." She didn't disagree.
But here's the really funny thing.
I walked out to my car.
And then I went grocery shopping.
I didn't feel morose or broken or cheated. I felt weirdly elated. Honestly, I was giddy. By the time I got to the grocery store I could not wipe the smile off my face and was nearly dancing down the aisles. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. When I got to the check out, the check out guy said "I hope you are enjoying the day that is given to you." Whatever happened to "paper or plastic?" I laughed and said yes, I am actually enjoying the day very much, I did not expect it to turn out well, but it really did. And then the check out guy says, "we can't control what happens, we can only control how we react to it."
Now I ask you, how ******* weird is that? I believe that's called kismet.
But here's the funniest thing of all. I don't feel any anger to this person. I don't hope she relapses. I don't care what happens to her at all. She's not my problem and -- more importantly -- I have no control over what happens to her anyway. Thinking I could control Amy -- for good or ill -- is about as crazy as thinking I could control the weather. I have finally understood and accepted the most basic principle of the 12 step program. And learned a lot about myself in the process. Next month I turn 52. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
And when I got home, my daughter was there hanging out with her friends. My son's home from college on Sunday. And I heaved a sigh of satisfaction. Life really does have many wonderful things worth thinking about and caring about. What a drug addict elects to do on any given day just isn't one of them.
Obviously, I thank all of you in the SR community for your helpful and sympathetic comments over the past weeks, but I must extend a special heartfelt thanks to Zoso who must be something of a genius. He called this from the start and got it right every inch of the way. Zoso, wherever you are at this moment, I hope I get to meet you in person some day so I can thank you properly and give you a brotherly hug.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I'm glad you got that resolved Andy.
It certainly didn't seem like a relationship of equals.
I am curious if you have your name on the lease of the apartment she is in--that could still cost you some cash if she needs to be evicted or trashes the place.
But since you are a lawyer, you no doubt have that one figured
Take care and best wishes to you in the future.
It certainly didn't seem like a relationship of equals.
I am curious if you have your name on the lease of the apartment she is in--that could still cost you some cash if she needs to be evicted or trashes the place.
But since you are a lawyer, you no doubt have that one figured
Take care and best wishes to you in the future.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I'm sorry because I know exactly what this feels like.
The weight being lifted. I felt that because all of my intuition had been confirmed. I felt sane again.
Your story and everyone's responses will continue to help others. Thank you.
I will pray that you continue to see live with new eyes. We learn every day and each event has a purpose. Angels are sent at special times, to help us. They are at the grocery store....and right here on SR.
The weight being lifted. I felt that because all of my intuition had been confirmed. I felt sane again.
Your story and everyone's responses will continue to help others. Thank you.
I will pray that you continue to see live with new eyes. We learn every day and each event has a purpose. Angels are sent at special times, to help us. They are at the grocery store....and right here on SR.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well ain't that something? when the final tumbler in the lock clicks into place and the cell door swings open wide.
good for you Andy!!! for me the best part of your story, aside from the interaction in the check out line, was you coming home to a houseful of kids (ok BIG kids) and the joy and peace of being exactly where you you were meant to be.
and yeah, Zoso IS the man!
good for you Andy!!! for me the best part of your story, aside from the interaction in the check out line, was you coming home to a houseful of kids (ok BIG kids) and the joy and peace of being exactly where you you were meant to be.
and yeah, Zoso IS the man!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Obviously, I thank all of you in the SR community for your helpful and sympathetic comments over the past weeks, but I must extend a special heartfelt thanks to Zoso who must be something of a genius. He called this from the start and got it right every inch of the way. Zoso, wherever you are at this moment, I hope I get to meet you in person some day so I can thank you properly and give you a brotherly hug.
One other interesting thing. She was also calm -- indeed, as cold as ice. I realized then that she was a true sociopath -- someone with no moral core, no real emotions. Everything about her was an act. I was actually less horrified than morbidly fascinated. I even said to her, "you really are just completely cold and heartless." She didn't disagree.
One last word of counsel: do not be surprised, in the days and weeks to come, about your emotions being all over the map. Especially deep anger, both towards her and even possibly towards yourself. If you find yourself angry at her, that's OK as long as you can sit with it. If you find you're angry at yourself, don't beat yourself up too much. All of us, in one way or another, have been where you are. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. The important thing now is accepting that this is where you are now, learn from this, and then soldier on.
Sorry things had to happen this way for you, but I'm not sorry it's over. You're free now to enjoy your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Andy I was thrilled to read that you have taken control of your life back....you floored me though when you wrote about your kids. I had you pegged as being very young and just out of law school.
You cut your losses before she drained you further mentally and financially. I wish you a very peaceful holiday with your family and much joy in the New Year.
You cut your losses before she drained you further mentally and financially. I wish you a very peaceful holiday with your family and much joy in the New Year.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Andy, I'm glad to hear that learning about her cheating has motivated you to break away from this toxic relationship. I found it useful after breaking up with my AXBF to contemplate what drew me to the relationship in the first place and how I was able to overlook the red flags. You might want to think about this, too. Do you think you would have kept hanging on if you thought she was faithful to you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by jjj111 
Andy, I'm glad to hear that learning about her cheating has motivated you to break away from this toxic relationship. I found it useful after breaking up with my AXBF to contemplate what drew me to the relationship in the first place and how I was able to overlook the red flags. You might want to think about this, too. Do you think you would have kept hanging on if you thought she was faithful to you?
Why was I drawn to the relationship? I think that's the wrong question. I did not know she was an addict when I met her. Better question: Why did I STAY in the relationship for so long, despite the fact that I finally did know she was an addict? I think two things. I did not want to feel I was "abandoning" her -- that I would be a callous bastard if I left her in a time of need. Second, I thought I could "save" her. Classic co-dependent behavior.
That's the big lesson I've learned. It's ok to do what's best for yourself first, and take care of others second. Put in a similar situation, would I allow myself to drown in order to save another person? No, because I owe other people the obligation to survive so I can be there for them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I think many people don't know that a BF or GF is an addict, or at least how bad the addiction is, when they first meet them. In my case, I knew that my AXBF smoked a little pot and that he had used cocaine in the past, but didn't know he was currently using cocaine. But there were still things that probably should have spelled trouble to me. I knew that the woman he was dating when we met was supporting him financially. And around the time they broke up, I knew that he was acting erratic and began borrowing money from me. But I still got involved with him. He was a bad boy and there is something about me that likes a little danger. I think that as we got more involved that I also on some level enjoyed giving him money. I got a thrill out of saving him and making things all better.
Anyway, my point is that red flags are often not as obvious as knowing someone has a serious addiction. Sometimes they are something along the lines of an adult who can't support themselves. Or someone who acts a little crazy sometimes. As the months passed after I broke up with my AXBF, little things started popping into my head that made me think "I should have know that he wasn't capable of being the partner I needed." Maybe the same thing will happen to you.
Anyway, my point is that red flags are often not as obvious as knowing someone has a serious addiction. Sometimes they are something along the lines of an adult who can't support themselves. Or someone who acts a little crazy sometimes. As the months passed after I broke up with my AXBF, little things started popping into my head that made me think "I should have know that he wasn't capable of being the partner I needed." Maybe the same thing will happen to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I think many people don't know that a BF or GF is an addict, or at least how bad the addiction is, when they first meet them. In my case, I knew that my AXBF smoked a little pot and that he had used cocaine in the past, but didn't know he was currently using cocaine. But there were still things that probably should have spelled trouble to me. I knew that the woman he was dating when we met was supporting him financially. And around the time they broke up, I knew that he was acting erratic and began borrowing money from me. But I still got involved with him. He was a bad boy and there is something about me that likes a little danger. I think that as we got more involved that I also on some level enjoyed giving him money. I got a thrill out of saving him and making things all better.
Anyway, my point is that red flags are often not as obvious as knowing someone has a serious addiction. Sometimes they are something along the lines of an adult who can't support themselves. Or someone who acts a little crazy sometimes. As the months passed after I broke up with my AXBF, little things started popping into my head that made me think "I should have know that he wasn't capable of being the partner I needed." Maybe the same thing will happen to you.
Anyway, my point is that red flags are often not as obvious as knowing someone has a serious addiction. Sometimes they are something along the lines of an adult who can't support themselves. Or someone who acts a little crazy sometimes. As the months passed after I broke up with my AXBF, little things started popping into my head that made me think "I should have know that he wasn't capable of being the partner I needed." Maybe the same thing will happen to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: OH
Posts: 21
Andy, this is such great news! I am happy that this helped you to see the light, so to speak!
Be forewarned that she is probably going to try to contact you in some way. I hope that you can be strong and remember how she treated you during that conversation: absolutely cold and callous. She IS not just a drug addict but a psychopath and she absolutely doesn't deserve you.
Don't beat yourself up over getting duped by her. I think a lot of us here at SR had dysfunctional relationships like this that started out the same way. My ex did not tell me he was a drug addict until many months into the relationship. At first he told me he had tried heroin one time when he was younger, didn't like it, and that was the extent of his drug use. Later on, months down the road, I find out about a past pill addiction. Then, even more months down the road, I find out that he's been on methadone and subs to take care of his "old problem." Of course, I was totally naive and just went along feeling sorry for him. Before meeting him, I never even knew that painkillers were pretty much the same thing as heroin! And I sure was gullible because he made me feel soooo loved and special (when it was really just him being a psychopath).
I am so proud of you for letting go of this woman. If you ever want to talk about how you are feeling - because as someone else mentioned, you're feelings will be all over the place over the next couple of weeks to months - please feel free to reach out to me.
Be forewarned that she is probably going to try to contact you in some way. I hope that you can be strong and remember how she treated you during that conversation: absolutely cold and callous. She IS not just a drug addict but a psychopath and she absolutely doesn't deserve you.
Don't beat yourself up over getting duped by her. I think a lot of us here at SR had dysfunctional relationships like this that started out the same way. My ex did not tell me he was a drug addict until many months into the relationship. At first he told me he had tried heroin one time when he was younger, didn't like it, and that was the extent of his drug use. Later on, months down the road, I find out about a past pill addiction. Then, even more months down the road, I find out that he's been on methadone and subs to take care of his "old problem." Of course, I was totally naive and just went along feeling sorry for him. Before meeting him, I never even knew that painkillers were pretty much the same thing as heroin! And I sure was gullible because he made me feel soooo loved and special (when it was really just him being a psychopath).
I am so proud of you for letting go of this woman. If you ever want to talk about how you are feeling - because as someone else mentioned, you're feelings will be all over the place over the next couple of weeks to months - please feel free to reach out to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by NJandy
I'll take the second question first. Short answer: I'm not sure. I told myself (and my therapist) that I was prepared to break up with her permanently at the end of our 7 week break if she was not prepared to move forward with the relationship as an equal partner. I knew she was NOT prepared to do that. So the question is, would I have had the guts to follow through? I just don't know. I guess I will never find out.
Why was I drawn to the relationship? I think that's the wrong question. I did not know she was an addict when I met her. Better question: Why did I STAY in the relationship for so long, despite the fact that I finally did know she was an addict? I think two things. I did not want to feel I was "abandoning" her -- that I would be a callous bastard if I left her in a time of need. Second, I thought I could "save" her. Classic co-dependent behavior.
That's the big lesson I've learned. It's ok to do what's best for yourself first, and take care of others second. Put in a similar situation, would I allow myself to drown in order to save another person? No, because I owe other people the obligation to survive so I can be there for them.
Why was I drawn to the relationship? I think that's the wrong question. I did not know she was an addict when I met her. Better question: Why did I STAY in the relationship for so long, despite the fact that I finally did know she was an addict? I think two things. I did not want to feel I was "abandoning" her -- that I would be a callous bastard if I left her in a time of need. Second, I thought I could "save" her. Classic co-dependent behavior.
That's the big lesson I've learned. It's ok to do what's best for yourself first, and take care of others second. Put in a similar situation, would I allow myself to drown in order to save another person? No, because I owe other people the obligation to survive so I can be there for them.
So, are you ready to be single for awhile? I was a relationship addict myself. It's a tough pattern to break, but as long as I kept jumping from one relationship to the next, I was never going to break the pattern and heal myself.
Can you stick with counseling and Alanon and live single for awhile? Work on you? I've been at it 14 months with no rebound/replacement relationship in sight. That's actually a record for me.
Do you think you'll give it a try?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Andy,
I'm not sorry you're heart found out the truth...I'm sorry you are feeling the pain.
You now know and can move forward.
Look around you right now....do it now....do you see
your children, the laughter, the honesty, the love, your health
your home, education...all these blessings...
are yours to enjoy and grow with!
And yes, that Zoso, very smart man, he nailed this one,
Right
On
Her
Head!
And you know, that Vale is pretty accurate too!
So is Ann, Fandy, VirgoRising, Anvillhead, LadyScribbler, IrisGardens, Joey12, Hawkeye13, Peaceandgrace, Chino, Opivotal , Chicory, GardenMama, Hopeful4, Needingabreak,Carlotta, Hope7726, CeCe, Stress, Melina, Maybee and a few thousand more who took the time to read and learn from your thread!
Merry Christmas Andy!
You are a part of our family now!
TF
I'm not sorry you're heart found out the truth...I'm sorry you are feeling the pain.
You now know and can move forward.
Look around you right now....do it now....do you see
your children, the laughter, the honesty, the love, your health
your home, education...all these blessings...
are yours to enjoy and grow with!
And yes, that Zoso, very smart man, he nailed this one,
Right
On
Her
Head!
And you know, that Vale is pretty accurate too!
So is Ann, Fandy, VirgoRising, Anvillhead, LadyScribbler, IrisGardens, Joey12, Hawkeye13, Peaceandgrace, Chino, Opivotal , Chicory, GardenMama, Hopeful4, Needingabreak,Carlotta, Hope7726, CeCe, Stress, Melina, Maybee and a few thousand more who took the time to read and learn from your thread!
Merry Christmas Andy!
You are a part of our family now!
TF
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