Has anyone ever heard of this ... ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
Has anyone ever heard of this ... ?
After working a program for a period of time, my AF resumed some old habits, so I've put some distance between us. That said, I encountered something very odd that I wanted to ask you about: He has a work friend (using the term loosely) who I felt uncomfortable around for a variety of reasons (won't bore you with the details). The friend doesn't drink because of his own previous issues with alcohol and drugs. However, I've seen him pressure, if not bully, my A into drinking. Please understand that I know my A is responsible to his own behavior. However, it was very, very odd to watch someone who abstains from alcohol because of addiction say to my A, who asked for water, "C'mon, drink a beer!" and "We got the little bottles for you!" and, my personal favorite, "I'm just trying to help you out!" My A ended up having a few sips of a beer and throwing the rest away, commenting outside of his presence that he'd felt uncomfortable.
Needless to say, I refused to hang around the friend after I witnessed this.
What gives? Is this as strange as I think it is?
Lion
Needless to say, I refused to hang around the friend after I witnessed this.
What gives? Is this as strange as I think it is?
Lion
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
This I can sort of relate to a little. My XAGF worked in a predominantly male, office and industry. She sort of felt like she'd get along better by trying to be one of the boys so to speak. And drinking was something they all did a LOT of. So when we first started dating, she tells me this and ask me to go with her to a company social. She said, she can't keep up with the drinking and to give her a polite way out when it got started.
These socials were nothing more than a sales junket where alcohol closes deals. At about her 4th drink I was thinking this would be where she wanted to bail out and I was waiting for the sign she was ready to exit. I had had 2. Heck no she showed no signs of slowing down and they were egging her on. Finally they started trying to drag me into it. I said to her, "I am going to need to leave, are you coming with me or will you be alright to get home? Some dude she works with says "Yeah I'll take her home you pu**y." I asked the staff to make sure got a cab for her and I left.
2 days later she calls to say "See this is what I mean they make me keep up with them." I said "No they don't. I gave you the chance to leave with me. You made no attempts to leave with me nor show any distaste for the name calling of your date. I left safe and sober and drove myself home no problems. How did you get home?" "Well John drove me home. And I didn't like it because he tried to put moves on me. If you would have stayed that wouldn't have happened."
I tried to explain that we come from totally different professional backgrounds, social networks and moral stances. She stopped going to them and was laid off within months. Of course I got blamed for it all. Frank I was fitting in just fine until you came along and tried to change things.
I guess the point of this is, we can't make them leave they have to be able to stand up for themselves and NOT want to be around these people.
DING DING DING....welcome to alcoholism.
These socials were nothing more than a sales junket where alcohol closes deals. At about her 4th drink I was thinking this would be where she wanted to bail out and I was waiting for the sign she was ready to exit. I had had 2. Heck no she showed no signs of slowing down and they were egging her on. Finally they started trying to drag me into it. I said to her, "I am going to need to leave, are you coming with me or will you be alright to get home? Some dude she works with says "Yeah I'll take her home you pu**y." I asked the staff to make sure got a cab for her and I left.
2 days later she calls to say "See this is what I mean they make me keep up with them." I said "No they don't. I gave you the chance to leave with me. You made no attempts to leave with me nor show any distaste for the name calling of your date. I left safe and sober and drove myself home no problems. How did you get home?" "Well John drove me home. And I didn't like it because he tried to put moves on me. If you would have stayed that wouldn't have happened."
I tried to explain that we come from totally different professional backgrounds, social networks and moral stances. She stopped going to them and was laid off within months. Of course I got blamed for it all. Frank I was fitting in just fine until you came along and tried to change things.
I guess the point of this is, we can't make them leave they have to be able to stand up for themselves and NOT want to be around these people.
DING DING DING....welcome to alcoholism.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
The way I see it, either your AF is sober, or he isn't. If he isn't it really doesn't matter much what the "freind" is saying or doing. If he is, it's his business to make clear that he's not drinking anymore. If the friend keeps doing it regardless, than he's not a friend - he's an idiot, and your AF needs to get away. All this of course being part of his decision making, not yours. Seems you already did your part. Stated your feelings (or at least it seems), and got away.
And with all that said, what's an AF? Alcoholic friend is my best guess. Hmm... could be father, too. ???? I gotta catch up on the labels here.
And with all that said, what's an AF? Alcoholic friend is my best guess. Hmm... could be father, too. ???? I gotta catch up on the labels here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
AF = Alcoholic Fiance. Of course, I agree with everything that's been said, but should have made my curiosity a little more clear. I understand that people pressure others to drink ... but someone who has already gotten sober himself? That's what was so weird to me.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by thelionhearted 
... but someone who has already gotten sober himself? That's what was so weird to me.
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Location: atlanta, ga
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Either the friend has some kind of weird personal competition about being the only one sober (enjoys being around broken folks to make himself feel better), OR he is or has relapsed. Just because you haven't seen him drink doesn't mean he isn't.
This would be someone I wouldn't want in my circle for sure.
This would be someone I wouldn't want in my circle for sure.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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thelionhearted.....I think this is certainly an INTERESTING question---as there are several possible motives that this person might have to contemplate! The first thing that I noticed is that there was some sort of hostility written all over it---and, at a minimum a lack of caring a s*** about your boyfriend!!
Jazzfish suggests vicarious drinking through someone else. Yep, I have seen that one! I have also seen it done with food---and, also, sex. Like the already long-attached woman who fixes her girlfriends up with guys that she would l ove to nail if she were still in the dating pool.
redatlanta suggests a personal competition of some sort. Or, some kind of "leveling"---pulling someone else down to make himself look better....that is the one I am betting on the most!!
I will say this that guys can be very neanderthal in a group setting---with their locker room mentality. (as per Hanginbyathread's post). I have been a woman in all male professional school and working environments---and one really has to know how to set strong boundaries and grow a thick skin!!!
I pronounce y our boyfriend's friend an Ahole. I would also wager that he does some sipping behind closed doors......
dandylion
Jazzfish suggests vicarious drinking through someone else. Yep, I have seen that one! I have also seen it done with food---and, also, sex. Like the already long-attached woman who fixes her girlfriends up with guys that she would l ove to nail if she were still in the dating pool.
redatlanta suggests a personal competition of some sort. Or, some kind of "leveling"---pulling someone else down to make himself look better....that is the one I am betting on the most!!
I will say this that guys can be very neanderthal in a group setting---with their locker room mentality. (as per Hanginbyathread's post). I have been a woman in all male professional school and working environments---and one really has to know how to set strong boundaries and grow a thick skin!!!
I pronounce y our boyfriend's friend an Ahole. I would also wager that he does some sipping behind closed doors......
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Just a hunch here...
Some people are uncomfortable about their own not drinking, thinking it makes those who DO still drink uncomfortable around them. Maybe the friend is just trying to tell your fiance that he has no issue around his drinking, and isn't going to lecture him or try to get him to stop. This would seem especially so, if he knows your AH does in fact drink a lot.
Some people are uncomfortable about their own not drinking, thinking it makes those who DO still drink uncomfortable around them. Maybe the friend is just trying to tell your fiance that he has no issue around his drinking, and isn't going to lecture him or try to get him to stop. This would seem especially so, if he knows your AH does in fact drink a lot.
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Location: Bklyn. NY
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I'll add that if your fiance is in fact NOT drinking around him, there's a really good chance he thinks he's not drinking out of respect, or because he thinks he's going to make the sober guy uncomfortable.
The guy who first 12th stepped me was the bathroom attendant at a club I was at 3-4 nights a week. I would sometimes give him a ride home, and we'd grab a bite in a diner where he'd buy me drinks (this was 1983 when drinking and driving was practically legal). This had much more of an impact on me, than had he lectured me about AA or sobriety. I was very clear on the fact that he didn't drink, and he was smart enough to know that telling me anything while I was still active would have had no effect. The only thing he ever said regarding my drinking, which I remember really well, was that I would stop when it was time to stop. He dropped the tiny little seed of hope, and he believed in me.
The friend might actually be more of a friend than think. I hope so, because if not, he sounds like a jerk
.
The guy who first 12th stepped me was the bathroom attendant at a club I was at 3-4 nights a week. I would sometimes give him a ride home, and we'd grab a bite in a diner where he'd buy me drinks (this was 1983 when drinking and driving was practically legal). This had much more of an impact on me, than had he lectured me about AA or sobriety. I was very clear on the fact that he didn't drink, and he was smart enough to know that telling me anything while I was still active would have had no effect. The only thing he ever said regarding my drinking, which I remember really well, was that I would stop when it was time to stop. He dropped the tiny little seed of hope, and he believed in me.
The friend might actually be more of a friend than think. I hope so, because if not, he sounds like a jerk
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