At an all time low.. help needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
At an all time low.. help needed
I have kinda kept a low profile here for a few weeks, as I am having a real hard time.
I had been having a hard time concentrating at work, and as a result, made some very bad mistakes. Not criminal, just incredibly stupid. I had been hating my job for a while- to the point of health problems. However, due to the money, I kept at it,until I could no longer function, and I left.
For a while, I would not even answer the phone, etc. Did not want to talk to anyone. I had been anticipating this, subconsciously, so I had some money as a back up. Not much, but some. I just stayed home with my kids, trying to spend as little as possible.
However, I need to get a job. I do not want to go back into the field I was in, but don't knw what I want to do!!! I did get a part time job, but have not started yet. Unfortuntely, it is low paying . i do know I want anything I get to be close to home- I am soo tired of long commutes. I have been doing that for years, and anyway, our car is not reliable.
I am feeling like such a complete and utter failure. For a long time, I was the major breadwinner here. Now I can't even take care of my own family. I feel useless and paralyzed,good for nothing. How could I have let myself get to this point?? I have always done that-- kept things to myself until I lost it.. I want to appear to be "together" but inside I am not.
My mind is a muddle. I don't even know what I am asking for here.. Help? Support? Ideas? All I ask is that anyone responding be kind- my psyche is fragile.
Thank you....
I had been having a hard time concentrating at work, and as a result, made some very bad mistakes. Not criminal, just incredibly stupid. I had been hating my job for a while- to the point of health problems. However, due to the money, I kept at it,until I could no longer function, and I left.
For a while, I would not even answer the phone, etc. Did not want to talk to anyone. I had been anticipating this, subconsciously, so I had some money as a back up. Not much, but some. I just stayed home with my kids, trying to spend as little as possible.
However, I need to get a job. I do not want to go back into the field I was in, but don't knw what I want to do!!! I did get a part time job, but have not started yet. Unfortuntely, it is low paying . i do know I want anything I get to be close to home- I am soo tired of long commutes. I have been doing that for years, and anyway, our car is not reliable.
I am feeling like such a complete and utter failure. For a long time, I was the major breadwinner here. Now I can't even take care of my own family. I feel useless and paralyzed,good for nothing. How could I have let myself get to this point?? I have always done that-- kept things to myself until I lost it.. I want to appear to be "together" but inside I am not.
My mind is a muddle. I don't even know what I am asking for here.. Help? Support? Ideas? All I ask is that anyone responding be kind- my psyche is fragile.
Thank you....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
sdp,
First of all, be easy with yourself, okay? We all have our low spots. They don't last forever. Have you thought about career counseling? Many communities have that kind of thing and don't charge for it. Try to come up with a plan for yourself, and then take one step at a time in the right direction.
You are not a failure. You are just at a crossroads right now.
Big hugs,
Gabe
First of all, be easy with yourself, okay? We all have our low spots. They don't last forever. Have you thought about career counseling? Many communities have that kind of thing and don't charge for it. Try to come up with a plan for yourself, and then take one step at a time in the right direction.
You are not a failure. You are just at a crossroads right now.
Big hugs,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
gabe is right - we do all have our low spots, believe me! sounds like she is on the right track with career counseling. it might better match your skills, talents (yes you do have talents that may be untapped until now) to a job.
hang in there and know you are not a failure and we are all here to help each other and provide moral support - we all need it at some time or another!
more hugs
cwohio
hang in there and know you are not a failure and we are all here to help each other and provide moral support - we all need it at some time or another!
more hugs
cwohio
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi sdp..
Please see your physician and ask him/her if any of this might be indications of clinical depression.
Here. You can enjoy my self lecture. LOL You are not a failure. Look at all the things you have accomplished. You have carried a superhuman burden for years and now you are just plain tired. Did you think you could do it forever? This is a time to regroup and restructure. Make sure you structure in some time for you. Mini recooperations along the way will save you needing a major one again.
sdp, the way will clear and you will find the right job. Ask the Universe (or whatever you define as your HP) to show you the way. Then watch.
And please don't skip the trip to the drip. I mean... Doc. Okay?
Big hugs,
Smoke
Please see your physician and ask him/her if any of this might be indications of clinical depression.
Here. You can enjoy my self lecture. LOL You are not a failure. Look at all the things you have accomplished. You have carried a superhuman burden for years and now you are just plain tired. Did you think you could do it forever? This is a time to regroup and restructure. Make sure you structure in some time for you. Mini recooperations along the way will save you needing a major one again.
sdp, the way will clear and you will find the right job. Ask the Universe (or whatever you define as your HP) to show you the way. Then watch.
And please don't skip the trip to the drip. I mean... Doc. Okay?
Big hugs,
Smoke
sparkling hazeleyes
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
(((sdp))))
I agree with smoke. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, and some of the symptoms you are describing are very similar to mine. Difficulty concentrating, withdrawing from others, and having feelings of uselessness are some of the symptoms of depression. You may want to seek professional help.
And like a lot of these kind people have told me, be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.
God Bless
I agree with smoke. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, and some of the symptoms you are describing are very similar to mine. Difficulty concentrating, withdrawing from others, and having feelings of uselessness are some of the symptoms of depression. You may want to seek professional help.
And like a lot of these kind people have told me, be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: ENGLISHTOWN, NJ
Posts: 61
HOLY COW!!! Is your name JennB and live in E-town NJ? My story to a T. That is how I have been feeling for a few months. I am in serious financial debt ($15000.00 in credit cards alone!). Upon doing a budget, I realized that I pay $300/month in gas for my hour commute every day to my full time job in which i hate because it is boring. The job inwhich I have huge resentments because I was here for 4 years and in comes this guy 1.5 years ago and wants to CHANGE everything. Oh yeah...resentment towards him, work, commute and the list goes on. Every once in awhile I get a glimpse of my HP telling me "in time...give me time...things will work out. Accept things for now." I have been sober for 3+ years. I am a sponsor. I have commitments. I write about it. Do a 4th, 5th. Pray (once in awhile). I have no money (and feel like crap about that afterall, how could I get into this predictament?) Last night, I had another one of those glimpses. I am trying to take my will back. Light bulb. Ok. Before this I have always been willing to work the steps and take the necessary actions. Today, I still have the willingness but I am just flatout exhausted and lazy. After 3 years, I actually understand when people said this is hard. Atleast I found the problem and know what I need to do. I just need to pray for the energy and guidance to do the next right thing.
So, my message to you, you are not alone! It's time to let go of our will. And work our damnest to get out of this hole that we are in. Understand that it is also ok to allow someone to take care of us. (that is a biggy for me too!) I don't believe I suffer from any depression. I too need to just shut down from the world once in awhile, but I also know when enough is enough. We are fortunate enough to know that something is not right. If we don't make the next right choice, then we will relapse. I hear it all the time. That is my fear. If I don't relapse, I'll just be a dry drunk. And I did not get sober to be miserable. This morning I woke up and started my meditation again. Today I am turning over a new leaf. Just like you can! Come join me!
So, my message to you, you are not alone! It's time to let go of our will. And work our damnest to get out of this hole that we are in. Understand that it is also ok to allow someone to take care of us. (that is a biggy for me too!) I don't believe I suffer from any depression. I too need to just shut down from the world once in awhile, but I also know when enough is enough. We are fortunate enough to know that something is not right. If we don't make the next right choice, then we will relapse. I hear it all the time. That is my fear. If I don't relapse, I'll just be a dry drunk. And I did not get sober to be miserable. This morning I woke up and started my meditation again. Today I am turning over a new leaf. Just like you can! Come join me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
Thank you all...
Gabe abd CW- that career counseling is a good idea.. i will have to look into it. I have a friend who knows all the ins and outs of things.. I'll ask her.
Smoke and Sad- I do think I am clinically depressed. A prolem here is that my husband's company was bought by someone else. There is a new health care coverage in effect . I don't even know how it works, as the new company is kinda disorganized , and no one knows anything. From what I did read, it is a PPO, but there are deductibles to be met first.. His old one was a PPO and all you had to do was pay your copay. I have to find out more about this. And Smoke- you are right- I AM tired. For so long everything has been on me, and the burden got so heavy. My hub has been pretty OK thru all this (hasn't yelled at me (
) I want to think that it is MY turn to relax, but that is not feasible. He does not make enough to support us all.
Jenn- NO!!! However, I did grow up in PA- does that count?? Thankfully, we do not really have excessive debt (no credit cards,cell phones,monthly payments except utilities) so that is, at least, 1 problem not sitting on my chest. I have pared things down a lot-- discount groceries, movies at the cheap show only, actually cooking and not going out. The kids are kind of confused..One keeps asking for things, and the other one tells her to be quiet.
Thanks all for your support(and Magic too).. Plus, we rent from my husband's sister. She has decided to remodel the bathroom and kitchen, siding and windows. Which is good, I guess, but the process is awful!! People coming over allt he time, estimates. Her brother in law has torn the bathroom apart. Kitchen will be next, which will be a big pain as everything will have to be moved out, kept in another room, and then put back. Grrr..
more stress when I do NOT need it. I think she is doing this as she wanted to refinance. She was thinking about selling this place, but I don't want to move. I guess this is better.
Gabe abd CW- that career counseling is a good idea.. i will have to look into it. I have a friend who knows all the ins and outs of things.. I'll ask her.
Smoke and Sad- I do think I am clinically depressed. A prolem here is that my husband's company was bought by someone else. There is a new health care coverage in effect . I don't even know how it works, as the new company is kinda disorganized , and no one knows anything. From what I did read, it is a PPO, but there are deductibles to be met first.. His old one was a PPO and all you had to do was pay your copay. I have to find out more about this. And Smoke- you are right- I AM tired. For so long everything has been on me, and the burden got so heavy. My hub has been pretty OK thru all this (hasn't yelled at me (
) I want to think that it is MY turn to relax, but that is not feasible. He does not make enough to support us all. Jenn- NO!!! However, I did grow up in PA- does that count?? Thankfully, we do not really have excessive debt (no credit cards,cell phones,monthly payments except utilities) so that is, at least, 1 problem not sitting on my chest. I have pared things down a lot-- discount groceries, movies at the cheap show only, actually cooking and not going out. The kids are kind of confused..One keeps asking for things, and the other one tells her to be quiet.
Thanks all for your support(and Magic too).. Plus, we rent from my husband's sister. She has decided to remodel the bathroom and kitchen, siding and windows. Which is good, I guess, but the process is awful!! People coming over allt he time, estimates. Her brother in law has torn the bathroom apart. Kitchen will be next, which will be a big pain as everything will have to be moved out, kept in another room, and then put back. Grrr..
more stress when I do NOT need it. I think she is doing this as she wanted to refinance. She was thinking about selling this place, but I don't want to move. I guess this is better.
sparkling hazeleyes
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Alexandria VA
Posts: 81
clinics
sdp,
If you feel that you are clinically depressed, there are some free clinics that may be able to help you until you have met your deductible. I went to one when I had my first depression, and it was a very positive experience. I hope you are able to find the help you need.
I understand what you are going through. If you need someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to chat with you.
God Bless,
Sad_Hazeleyes
If you feel that you are clinically depressed, there are some free clinics that may be able to help you until you have met your deductible. I went to one when I had my first depression, and it was a very positive experience. I hope you are able to find the help you need.
I understand what you are going through. If you need someone to talk to, I would be more than happy to chat with you.
God Bless,
Sad_Hazeleyes
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
(((Sdp))) OMG, you sound just like I was a few monthes ago. I became majorly depressed around october of last year. It got to the point in January, after my AH had his neck surgery I just flat shut down, I could'nt work, I am a RN and got to the point that going to work for 12 hours was the equivalant of climbing Mt. Rushmore. I had no desire for my job, everything irritated me, I felt afraid of making a huge mistake and hurting an innocent person. So I quit, thought in my deep pit that I'd let my AH carry the load awhile, that didn't work at all. I stayed in the house all the time, was terrified of even going to the store. I managed to take care of the kids but that was it. My AH had no idea I was so depressed, he just thought I had stopped loving him and wanted him out. That I had given up on he and I. I had been the primary breadwinner with my job, and the occassional jobs he did were'nt near enough. We depleted our savings and got to the point of being evicted from our place. All the while, noone saw what shape I was in. I even took a job as a maid because I just could'nt stand going back into nursing. That didn't last long either. Our ac broke down, my car would'nt run, we were behind on everything. Then my AH decided to leave, he left us, took the running vehicle, his stuff and walked. Says now he felt like I wanted him gone and felt like I wasn't going to do anything while he was around, says he never intended to leave us completely alone, just put some distance there. I however at that time saw it as a complete betrayel, a complete abandonment and oh god how I hated him. I considered suicide after he left, had a plan and everything until my family intervened. The made me and the kids leave that night, come back to my hometown and set me up at my brother's (acck, two families under one roof, no dice) . I went to my first alanon meeting that night and my recovery began. I went back to work, in nursing, but in another field of it. I saved money, rented a place for me and the kids. I'm slowly trying to pay off the old debts, a little at a time. After a long while of little contact with my AH (he was convinced I hated his guts, and for quite a while I did) we are now trying to peice our marriage back together and work on the issues that lead to the breakdown. Depression like that is a very scary thing, I should have gone to the doctor for an antidepressant or something but I had no funds to, I'm still struggling with it today, although it's not near as bad as it was. Alanon has really given me what I really needed, myself, back again. Please know that your not alone, theres several of us here that know just how you feel. Let's hang in there together. Many hugs to you, Teggie
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
sdp, I know you are not feeling like this now but everything happens for a reason. Please look at this as a chance to really get into a field you love. It may take time as I am 44 and still don't know what I want to do. And as others advised please see your doctor about your depression. See if your husbands Health plan has a mail order prescription program. My insurance will not pay for maintenance drugs at a pharmacy. When I took Prozac I had to order them from the mail order company. They were also a lot cheaper that way. It was about $20 for a 3 month supply. My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
sdp,
I understand how you feel about trying to appear "together". I've been doing this for so long. The pressure of trying to make everything look right when I knew it was all wrong just took more from me. Eventually, I thought I had lost my mind and wondered if I'd ever have a glimmer of the me I knew before all the choas broke out.
You are not a failure! You are overwhelmed. I know that overwhelmed feeling all too well and it's so consuming that you almost don't have anything left. If you feel like you can't tackle everything at once, that's ok.
Hang in there and I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Hugs,
Marci
I understand how you feel about trying to appear "together". I've been doing this for so long. The pressure of trying to make everything look right when I knew it was all wrong just took more from me. Eventually, I thought I had lost my mind and wondered if I'd ever have a glimmer of the me I knew before all the choas broke out.
You are not a failure! You are overwhelmed. I know that overwhelmed feeling all too well and it's so consuming that you almost don't have anything left. If you feel like you can't tackle everything at once, that's ok.
Hang in there and I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Hugs,
Marci
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
WOW!! Everyone has such good ideas!!
Sad- I am sure my friend will know about clinics..
Teggie-- you are right- I am where you were... Even to the "bad thoughts".. Sounds like you were able to get it together- congratulations!! I am not there yet tho. My family is 800 miles away, and I am too ashamed to let them know much about what is going on. Anyway, they would let their disappointment in me show- I am the youngest, college graduate, the "smart" one. I can't deal with that right now.
Luv- that is good about the mail order. I don;t even have the card yet to GIVE the pharmacy.
Marci- overwhelmed is sooo right. And I do think tomorrow will be a bit better.
I do appreciate the thoughts expressed here. They are helping...
Sad- I am sure my friend will know about clinics..
Teggie-- you are right- I am where you were... Even to the "bad thoughts".. Sounds like you were able to get it together- congratulations!! I am not there yet tho. My family is 800 miles away, and I am too ashamed to let them know much about what is going on. Anyway, they would let their disappointment in me show- I am the youngest, college graduate, the "smart" one. I can't deal with that right now.
Luv- that is good about the mail order. I don;t even have the card yet to GIVE the pharmacy.
Marci- overwhelmed is sooo right. And I do think tomorrow will be a bit better.
I do appreciate the thoughts expressed here. They are helping...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
sdp, my prayers are with you. I agree with the gang about the depression. Maybe you could just focus on one goal, calling your friend and telling her what is happening and letting her help you get to the doctor and then maybe some career help. I think the doctor would be the first thing to do to get you back to a level playing field. Then you can move forward. This is a good reminder that the advice here about taking care of yourself is not just nice nice talk. It is absolutely necessary and important for our health. Any one of us could be in your shoes and many of us have been there already. Hang in there, help is on the way. You took the first step by sharing with us. God will take care of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
Thanks again, all..
I did call my friend (I knew she would know as she is the MOST codie person I know, and has been through many aspects of whatever system there is, on behalf of someone else of course). Anyway, she lived in the same town as me, and of course told me how to get to the clinic and what to ask for. not able to today, due to all this gol-darned work on the house, and I had to get out.. Will call Monday.
And thanks again for the support. I do feel better for venting.
I did call my friend (I knew she would know as she is the MOST codie person I know, and has been through many aspects of whatever system there is, on behalf of someone else of course). Anyway, she lived in the same town as me, and of course told me how to get to the clinic and what to ask for. not able to today, due to all this gol-darned work on the house, and I had to get out.. Will call Monday.
And thanks again for the support. I do feel better for venting.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
