Akita

This has been in the wworks for 2 months. I will be posting this on a few forums, so if you've already replied no need to reply twice. Comments and suggestions will be much appreciated!

Dear son,

I want you to know mom and I love you very much, and mom and I are trying our very best to raise you to be a responsible and successful young man. Many people, in fact all people sometimes struggle with things in life just as you sometimes do. Certain things people struggle with do not ever go away, no matter how old you get. You will find as you go through life, everyone has to face difficult decisions. People do the best they can to make the best choices and do what’s right. As you go through life you will learn how to deal with life’s struggles and try to make the smartest choices along the way. Remember you can only change your actions going forward, you cannot change the past.

I want to tell you my life’s experiences and choices about drinking alcohol. Some people can have 1 or 2 drinks of alcohol, and are able to stop after that because they know if they drink any more it is not the responsible thing to do. People that have too many drinks become irresponsible. They make bad decisions. They do not think about the consequences, and continue to drink more and more. As you already know, people who drink too much alcohol think and act differently, they get weird. When someone drinks too much they may forget things that happened. Sometimes they may say things they don’t really mean, or do things they would not have done if they had not had too much to drink. Drinking makes them not think about how their actions affect other people. Too many times I have had too much alcohol and became irresponsible. I knew this a long time ago, and many times tried to stop and become a responsible drinker. So people who can’t drink responsibility (and there are many out here), try to stop drinking completely. Sometimes they “relapse”. There’s and expression “I’m on the wagon” meaning someone is not drinking. A relapse is when you “fall off the wagon” and make the decision to drink again. People who do not drink responsibly and stop, are in “recovery”. People in “recovery” should never make a promise because they may relapse and think drinking is more important than anything else, even their friends and family.

I want you to know I have stopped drinking for the first time more than 8 weeks ago, on October 13th, 2 weeks before my 53rd birthday. I remember a little more than 3 years ago, before I was 50 years old I said to myself, I will “get it together and start drinking responsibility” by the time I am 50. Well it didn’t happen, I didn’t “get it together”. Sometimes things in life are hard to do, or to change. But if you keep trying you can do it. If you fail while trying, you get up, brush yourself off and keep trying. You are the master of your destiny. I want you to know I kept trying and have finally stopped drinking altogether except for a few times, I “relapsed” and this made mom very upset and I felt terrible, like I was letting her down. You may have noticed and been aware this happened. I want to be truthful to you and for you to understand what’s going on with me.

I love you and want you to know I am now and will remain sober as best I can, and that I am trying to never drink again for the rest of my life because I want to be a responsible father to you and a responsible husband to mom.
There are the three “C’s” that are very important for you to know and understand.

1. You did not cause my drinking problem.
2. There is nothing you can do to control me from drinking.
3. There is nothing you can do to cure my drinking problem.

I wrote this for two reasons, 1) I needed it make it clear in my head about what I wanted to say and 2) I wanted it to be a “life lesson” for you to understand and think about as you go through life and face the decision to drink alcohol or not.

Love,
Dear ol' Dad

shil2587

I would shorten the preamble in the second paragraph. You don't use the word alcoholic or make it clear that some people cannot only have a few drinks. It gives the impression that people choose not to be responsible and it's not clear why you have to not drink at all. I would be more explicit and less wordy. Children of that age tend not to remember long passages of text and you don't want him to lose track of the message. (Sorry, that's the teacher in me coming through there).

Otherwise it's thoughtful and loving. The 3 c's are especially good. Well done!

wheresthefun

Do you intend to give this to your son? If so, can I ask why?

biminiblue

Yeah, my thoughts exactly. I hope you aren't planning to give this to an 11 year old.

jaynie04

Hi Akita. I think the letter might be a bit heavy for an 11 year old, but you know your son. My daughter is just 10 and I know this would be too much information for her.

I think the important points about the fact that alcohol affects you differently than other people and that you understand that this has caused problems in the past. The fact that you are working very hard to deal with this, and that he is not responsible, are important points.

I also think offering to keep a dialogue going if any questions arise is loving and keeps him feel connected to you.

I can tell the letter is written with a lot of love. I know when I first got sober last year I went through a period of wanting to right a lot of wrongs, but I am glad I let the dust settle.

I know that my daughter watches my actions and I think that providing sanity, consistency and stability are so important to her feeling safe.

I might put this letter away for when he is quite a bit older. My mother got sober when I was 13, and I attended a lot of open AA meeting with her. In all honesty, I don't think it was the best idea, it was too much and a lot for a young person to process.

I think it is great that you care so deeply. I am sure other parents will be along who perhaps have been in a similar position.

LexieCat

I don't know if I'd give all that info in a letter to an 11-y/o. Is there a reason you can't sit down and talk to him? I think having a nice long talk, where he can ask you questions, would be a lot more meaningful than handing him a letter to read. The writing may have been a useful way to sort out what you want to convey, but I think the letter (unless you are so far apart in distance that you can't do that) is a little bit of a cop-out, and that you are missing what could be a really meaningful conversation.

hopeful4

I agree. I have a 15 yo and have been helping her deal with her father's alcoholism for years. Age 11 is way too young for a letter like this in my opinion. The best thing you can do is prove through your actions you are a steady, reliable father. Actions say much more than words, I promise!

Akita

Points well taken. I was planning on reading it to him along with my wife with discussion as needed.

shil2587

Where I work, I often get young children and teenagers come to me worried about the health of a parent, several times aware a parent is an addict and not wanting them to know they know. I think you are absolutely right to talk to your son about it at this age, he probably already has noticed quite a bit.

Best of luck to you and your wife, keep us posted how it goes?

hopeful4

I agree you should definitely address it. I personally would not do so by letter, that is just my opinion. I also think the letter is way too mature for an 11 yo.

Just my .02

Good luck to you and Congrats on your sobriety! What a wonderful gift to you and your family!

herradura

Yeah, I don't think this is appropriate for an 11 year old. I think the best thing you can do is stay on the wagon, and in time, it is already happening, things will get better for everyone involved. Don't beat the dead horse and an 11 year old has enough problems with growing up they should not be burdened by the adults problems in their lives. Just be a great Dad/husband and move on!

Thumper

I like that you were going to read it to him instead of handing it to him as it is way to much for an 11yo to read and make sense of.

Even with you reading it I would cut out all the 'life lessons'. There will be plenty of time for that after you all get your bearings on today. Based on my experience with 11yo's I would reduce it down to the basics. The parts you wrote about that says mom and I are doing our best for you, I love you, basics of alcoholism, I've quit and trying very hard, the three C's (I thought that was a great thing to add), and then open it up for questions.

Good luck.

purechaos

I was well aware of my parents drinking problem when I was in 7th grade....I actually met with the drug and alcohol counselor at school weekly to talk About the issues in my home. .. I don't think my parents know I did that. ...

Anyways although the letter might be heavy for your son ...I think it's a positive thing that you address it. .. if you truly have a problem I'm sure your son is aware of it. Better to open up communication early. Just my two cents

LexieCat

I still think it's an awful lot of information to take in all at once. It's sort of like giving a full, lengthy discussion of sex to a fairly young child with whom you've never discussed the topic. TMI, in other words.

I'd keep it to the essentials. Keep it to your own experience, a brief explanation of what alcoholism is, and what you are doing about it. And let him ask any questions he wants to, emphasizing that he can always come to you, or his mom, if he has others down the road.

You might also want to say something about family privacy. Let him know that he should feel free to confide in any friends or grownups that he trusts, but that there is a lot of misunderstanding in the world about it, so he should choose carefully who he talks to about it. You don't want him to feel it's a huge embarrassing secret, and everyone needs support. At the same time, you don't want him raising his hand in class to announce it to everyone there.