HMS

So, After what I did last time I drank, Thanksgiving night, drunken cheating night, I had no hope at all. No hope for my job my life or my marriage. But after a few days, job prospects working out, life has a light in the end of the tunnel. And then I started talking to my wife again. That has been a good thing and a bad thing. Good because she is the one person on earth that knows how messed up I have been. How much I can hurt someone, and good because she is still supportive in her own way.

Bad, however, because of the codependency and the lack of trust. She wants to keep me on the phone because she thinks im going to fail again. I understand that and I feel for her, I am ashamed of what I have done, and I don't want to hurt her anymore. But we talk for hours and express all of our feelings about all of the stuff that has happened and we have a great conversation, after 2.5 hours of talking we say goodnight. It wasn't good it wasn't bad. It was just a conversation about all of what has been going on. So after we say goodnight she starts texting me. 8-9 texts and then she asks me if I got the messages, I say yes, she asks if I am going to respond. I said we have said everything already tonight and that I hope she has a good day tomororow and a nice appointment with her doc. ... and now we are still on the phone....

I want a drink. I want 10. I want to drink this away

So instead I am on here. Spilling my guts. I have to release this somewhere
I cant release on her, because then we get into epic battles about whose fault it is and all of my past transgressions.

How do we deal with codependent spouses who want to help but ... I don't know ... they want to help but cant find the right way to help?

im lost today

LoveMeNow

I should know, because I was one!! Lol. Very similar, at times.

I think a lot had to with my fear of my STBXAH relapsing but I also loved his attention, his humility, and his remorse. I was finally getting what I had missed for far too long.

Therapy, SR, and Alanon helped me so much. However, my husband is still in active addiction and we are now divorcing.

Nuudawn

Okay....see the italicized part? That's your boundary. You stated it.

See the bolded part? That is YOU not manning your stated boundary.

Healthy boundaries are not about getting other people to act the way we want them to...

It's about us acting in the way we want our lives to be.

Do you see what I'm getting at? If you are on the phone with her, because you feel more responsible for her feelings rather than your own?

Who is being codependent?

HMS

So what do I do when she calls my boss, and the hotel and has security come to my room to find out what im doing..............

Nuudawn

You answer the door and speak with them.

Why is your wife calling your boss? Does she think you are out drinking with him? Does she want him or her to go look for you?

Nothing changes if nothing changes...

HMS

This has been the ongoing lifestyle for us. We spend 4-7 hours on the phone. When I am finished after 1-2 and say good night it turns into a cycle of "you don't want to talk to me" and " I just want to go to bed" round and round we go... Probably my biggest trigger right now...

Nuudawn

Ya..that's not healthy HMS. It's extremely overemeshed and dysfunctional and codependent on both ends really.

You are both trying to manage each other rather than manage yourselves. If you continuously give in to her demands ..than she doesn't I dunno..call people and create disturbances. But if you want this to end. You have to quit caving and let her well....start managing this stuff herself.

It's not your job to make her feel better...it's hers. I imagine there is some stuff that is regrettable on your part given your drinking history etc..but well, she didn't go anywhere when you were drinking...and now she's worried about you staying sober...cuz what..she'll be forced to leave you if drink?