Found out boyfriend was alcoholic after 1.5 years
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 4
Found out boyfriend was alcoholic after 1.5 years
Hi,
My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, 3 weeks before he was supposed to move in with me. I had been speaking to him about moving in since April and he was fully committed to it up to a month ago when he started to become distant.
This guy has been perfect in the relationship, would arrange surprise days out, buy me flowers every week or so, take me out places and treated me like a princess.
The only issue was is that we only saw each three times a week and he would only stay over on Saturdays. He always used work and the fact that he had work early in the morning as an excuse. Midweek he would leave about 8pmish.
When he broke up with me, he said he could never imagine living with anyone and said he thought he would be on his own for the rest of his life. I pushed the fact and he told me had a dark side which I found laughable because I had never seen anything but good and that's when he told me he was an alcoholic drinking a bottle of whiskey every night. He told me controlled his drinking around me so I wouldn't notice. And that is why he left midweek to drink. He told me often passes out at night but manages to hold down a high powered job.
He told me he has fell out of love with me in the past few weeks.
I know he clearly has commitment issues but had no idea about the alcohol problem. I am shocked by it, I didn't have a clue. He said I am the first person he has ever told and never planned on telling me.
I feel so confused and cheated. He has been perfect for the past year am half up until a month ago and now all this??
How can someone be so secretive and deceitful?? I feel like I have been dating a stranger.
Can anyone explain what happened?? Because until a month ago we were talking about moving in stuff and where we was going to put it.
Now I am single, and dumped by an alcoholic who I never really knew?
Is this normal in alcoholism?
I need to understand
Rachael
My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, 3 weeks before he was supposed to move in with me. I had been speaking to him about moving in since April and he was fully committed to it up to a month ago when he started to become distant.
This guy has been perfect in the relationship, would arrange surprise days out, buy me flowers every week or so, take me out places and treated me like a princess.
The only issue was is that we only saw each three times a week and he would only stay over on Saturdays. He always used work and the fact that he had work early in the morning as an excuse. Midweek he would leave about 8pmish.
When he broke up with me, he said he could never imagine living with anyone and said he thought he would be on his own for the rest of his life. I pushed the fact and he told me had a dark side which I found laughable because I had never seen anything but good and that's when he told me he was an alcoholic drinking a bottle of whiskey every night. He told me controlled his drinking around me so I wouldn't notice. And that is why he left midweek to drink. He told me often passes out at night but manages to hold down a high powered job.
He told me he has fell out of love with me in the past few weeks.
I know he clearly has commitment issues but had no idea about the alcohol problem. I am shocked by it, I didn't have a clue. He said I am the first person he has ever told and never planned on telling me.
I feel so confused and cheated. He has been perfect for the past year am half up until a month ago and now all this??
How can someone be so secretive and deceitful?? I feel like I have been dating a stranger.
Can anyone explain what happened?? Because until a month ago we were talking about moving in stuff and where we was going to put it.
Now I am single, and dumped by an alcoholic who I never really knew?
Is this normal in alcoholism?
I need to understand
Rachael
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
I think it happens a lot - not even just where alcoholism is concerned. Sometimes they are married, or have multiple relationships or there is workaholism, or past bad relationship issues.
There are lots of reasons things blow up when one party tries to move to the next level.
I think you dodged a bullet with this, though. That level of alcohol use is not conducive to a healthy relationship.
I think it happens a lot - not even just where alcoholism is concerned. Sometimes they are married, or have multiple relationships or there is workaholism, or past bad relationship issues.
There are lots of reasons things blow up when one party tries to move to the next level.
I think you dodged a bullet with this, though. That level of alcohol use is not conducive to a healthy relationship.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Rachael, and welcome, glad to have you here.
The thing is, while he was with you, he was white knuckling it. Planning on when he is going to drink again.
It's quite common. You will find that many people on the Friends and Family boards are married to alcoholics and drug addicts for years and don't even know.
Please know that he has saved you from a life of heartache. Living with an alcoholic is an awful thing that crashes your life.
I hope you read the stickies at the top of the forum, and also read the posts. I think this will help you understand. You did nothing wrong at all. He is doing what most addicts do, choosing their addiction and putting it first. It is their best friend, their bride, their everything. It hurts everything else in the way.
He was secretitive about it b/c it's likely he was shameful and just did not want you to know. Remember this, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
Hugs, I am sorry for what has brought you here, but glad you are here.
The thing is, while he was with you, he was white knuckling it. Planning on when he is going to drink again.
It's quite common. You will find that many people on the Friends and Family boards are married to alcoholics and drug addicts for years and don't even know.
Please know that he has saved you from a life of heartache. Living with an alcoholic is an awful thing that crashes your life.
I hope you read the stickies at the top of the forum, and also read the posts. I think this will help you understand. You did nothing wrong at all. He is doing what most addicts do, choosing their addiction and putting it first. It is their best friend, their bride, their everything. It hurts everything else in the way.
He was secretitive about it b/c it's likely he was shameful and just did not want you to know. Remember this, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
Hugs, I am sorry for what has brought you here, but glad you are here.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Wow. This guy was honest with you and told you the deal. He then spared you the pain of living with an active alcoholic.
It seems abrupt and assholish, but he knows he is an alcoholic and doesn't want to put you through that. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe he will choose sobriety at some point and you may have a future. In the meantime, I would respect what he said/did and process/move on. He did you a favor.
It seems abrupt and assholish, but he knows he is an alcoholic and doesn't want to put you through that. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe he will choose sobriety at some point and you may have a future. In the meantime, I would respect what he said/did and process/move on. He did you a favor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 4
Thanks for the replies,
The thing is he knew my background. My dad who my mom left when I was four was an alcoholic although refused to ever drink spirits as his dad who was also an alcoholic only drank spirits. I opened up to him one evening and explained how a abusive he had been to my mom and how it led to growing up in a single parent family. I discussed this months ago obviously not having a clue that my boyfriend who I was sharing this with was an alcoholic himself.!!
He knew months ago that i wanted a committed relationship and children. Why let it go on for so long?? Why not just break up with me.
Even though he had been the one who was acting distant it was me who had to start the discussion. We had been out the day before and had a really lovely day.
He said he could never imagine himself living with me yet he must have known that for a long time and said whilst he loves me is not in love with me??
How can anyone fall in love when they are being so secretive and deceitful.
I am so angry and just in shock.
Rachael
The thing is he knew my background. My dad who my mom left when I was four was an alcoholic although refused to ever drink spirits as his dad who was also an alcoholic only drank spirits. I opened up to him one evening and explained how a abusive he had been to my mom and how it led to growing up in a single parent family. I discussed this months ago obviously not having a clue that my boyfriend who I was sharing this with was an alcoholic himself.!!
He knew months ago that i wanted a committed relationship and children. Why let it go on for so long?? Why not just break up with me.
Even though he had been the one who was acting distant it was me who had to start the discussion. We had been out the day before and had a really lovely day.
He said he could never imagine himself living with me yet he must have known that for a long time and said whilst he loves me is not in love with me??
How can anyone fall in love when they are being so secretive and deceitful.
I am so angry and just in shock.
Rachael
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by rara100 
I know he clearly has commitment issues but had no idea about the alcohol problem. I am shocked by it, I didn't have a clue. He said I am the first person he has ever told and never planned on telling me.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your boyfriend has chosen his first love, alcohol, over you. With your plans to move in together looming, he realized one of you had to go.
He is pretty deep into alcoholic behavior if he has to reserve at least half his week for drinking. Alcoholism is progressive, unless treated, and pretty soon his whole life will be taken over. As painful as this is for you now, you are truly being spared much worse harm, disappointment, loss and heartache down the road.
Until and unless he seeks sobriety, he is a liability. I suggest you let him go. You might find Alanon meetings very supportive, and possibly individual counseling, too. I needed both to stay on the rails when my XABF chose whiskey over me. It hurts like hell.
Hope you hang out and read everyone's stories - there is amazing ES&H here.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's not about love. It's about him being an addict, he cannot quite. It's likely he stayed w/you thinking he could, but simply is not there.
I am so sorry. I am not trying to sound callus at all, it is just like they lead a secret outside life.
Hugs. It will get better with time. You will find someone else who truly deserves you.
I am so sorry. I am not trying to sound callus at all, it is just like they lead a secret outside life.
Hugs. It will get better with time. You will find someone else who truly deserves you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 4
Hi,
He said that he desperately wanted to be in the place to move in but he realised finally he couldn't. He said he saw no future with me and couldn't ever imagine living with me.
He was like a little lost boy, I had never seen him like that before. He has always been so strong and confident. He always knew the right thing to do and was like my knight in shining armour. I don't even feel that I even know him as a person.
I question who I've been dating for 18 months. I asked him who he truly was and he said he didn't know.
I asked him if he has ever asked or sought help and he said no because he wasn't sure he wanted to stop drinking. He said the thought of not drinking scared him. He said if he did t drink he was moody and angry and No one should see that.
I feel like my memory of my boyfriend has been stolen from me because the best relationship in my life has ended like this.
I don't think I actually knew him at all. I don't know whether he was acting or whether it was actually him all this time.
Rachael
He said that he desperately wanted to be in the place to move in but he realised finally he couldn't. He said he saw no future with me and couldn't ever imagine living with me.
He was like a little lost boy, I had never seen him like that before. He has always been so strong and confident. He always knew the right thing to do and was like my knight in shining armour. I don't even feel that I even know him as a person.
I question who I've been dating for 18 months. I asked him who he truly was and he said he didn't know.
I asked him if he has ever asked or sought help and he said no because he wasn't sure he wanted to stop drinking. He said the thought of not drinking scared him. He said if he did t drink he was moody and angry and No one should see that.
I feel like my memory of my boyfriend has been stolen from me because the best relationship in my life has ended like this.
I don't think I actually knew him at all. I don't know whether he was acting or whether it was actually him all this time.
Rachael
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
People in our programs always talk about the "tip of the iceberg."
My partner of 14 years told me after we were separated a few months that he had "no love for me."
Looking back over the past few years, all the signs were there that we were both "white knuckling it."
I stayed at his place twice last summer while he was away to care for the animals. Both times a cat or dog would drag some new sex toy out onto the floor. I had found out, by accident, that he was a cross-dresser several years before, and was posting pictures of himself at cross-dresser websites.
With some more recent verbal abuse, and his efforts to drink himself to death, I am telling myself that I really don't want to live that way. That's why I left.
In retrospect there were red flags all over the place, and I was not healthy enough to see them.
My partner of 14 years told me after we were separated a few months that he had "no love for me."
Looking back over the past few years, all the signs were there that we were both "white knuckling it."
I stayed at his place twice last summer while he was away to care for the animals. Both times a cat or dog would drag some new sex toy out onto the floor. I had found out, by accident, that he was a cross-dresser several years before, and was posting pictures of himself at cross-dresser websites.
With some more recent verbal abuse, and his efforts to drink himself to death, I am telling myself that I really don't want to live that way. That's why I left.
In retrospect there were red flags all over the place, and I was not healthy enough to see them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by rara100
Hi,
He always knew the right thing to do and was like my knight in shining armour. I don't even feel that I even know him as a person.
He always knew the right thing to do and was like my knight in shining armour. I don't even feel that I even know him as a person.
The best you can do now is let go of this man with love, and turn your attention to your own healing, confidence building and well-being. You will then be much more likely to attract a healthier person next time, not one with a sparkly facade who is rotten underneath.
You will need time to process and heal. Be sure to give yourself this gift. You deserve it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 4
So it's been nearly a month since we split up and I have had a lot of realisations.
I stayed in contact by text for a couple of weeks afterwards but it was like talking to a stranger, he was so distant and just did t even feel like I was in contact with the same person. I desperately needed to talk to someone one evening and he ignored my texts. Then I knew he was finally out of my life. No human being would act like that as he already knows without this going on I had a difficult December ahead.
I just keep getting bombshells of things in the relationship which make sense now. The reason why he did t stop over mid week, the reason why he drove to work so early in the morning, all the lies he told me from day one. I'm still do not recognise that in him. He was so believable and I think it's gonna take me a while to trust anyone ever again. I'm not sure how I going to ever again!!!
When someone has sat there and lied to you throughout a year and half relationship knowing I was being honest with him just knocks me sick.
All my pictures of him on Facebook were deleted on Xmas Eve and when I had a go at him as to why (I know it's over but all my memories are there and I'm not ready to get rid of them yet) he said he didn't want to use Facebook again and had deactivated his account. This is a guy who used Facebook ten times more than me up to the date we broke up and hasn't been on it since. He did activate his account so I could get the pictures but is just bizarre. It's like he has erased his life.
I don't know what to think of him anymore. He is like a mirage as he never really existed. Alcoholics are some of the most deceitful people I have ever met. No one else in his life apparently knows about his alcohol use. His family doesn't, work certainly doesn't and neither do his friends.
I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that I'll get a phone call one day saying he's collapsed and died and no one will be any the wiser. He said he may tell his dad at Xmas about his alcoholism but I very much doubt it happened. He idolises his dad and to tell him something like that would never happen
Rachael
I stayed in contact by text for a couple of weeks afterwards but it was like talking to a stranger, he was so distant and just did t even feel like I was in contact with the same person. I desperately needed to talk to someone one evening and he ignored my texts. Then I knew he was finally out of my life. No human being would act like that as he already knows without this going on I had a difficult December ahead.
I just keep getting bombshells of things in the relationship which make sense now. The reason why he did t stop over mid week, the reason why he drove to work so early in the morning, all the lies he told me from day one. I'm still do not recognise that in him. He was so believable and I think it's gonna take me a while to trust anyone ever again. I'm not sure how I going to ever again!!!
When someone has sat there and lied to you throughout a year and half relationship knowing I was being honest with him just knocks me sick.
All my pictures of him on Facebook were deleted on Xmas Eve and when I had a go at him as to why (I know it's over but all my memories are there and I'm not ready to get rid of them yet) he said he didn't want to use Facebook again and had deactivated his account. This is a guy who used Facebook ten times more than me up to the date we broke up and hasn't been on it since. He did activate his account so I could get the pictures but is just bizarre. It's like he has erased his life.
I don't know what to think of him anymore. He is like a mirage as he never really existed. Alcoholics are some of the most deceitful people I have ever met. No one else in his life apparently knows about his alcohol use. His family doesn't, work certainly doesn't and neither do his friends.
I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that I'll get a phone call one day saying he's collapsed and died and no one will be any the wiser. He said he may tell his dad at Xmas about his alcoholism but I very much doubt it happened. He idolises his dad and to tell him something like that would never happen
Rachael
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