rooskie

Hi. I am new here, so glad to have found you.

I am pretty sure that my husband is using drugs, but I don't know how to tell for sure, or what he is using. He started showing strange behavior about a year ago. He would act strange in his sleep, hold his arms up in the air and rub them and make weird noises. I just thought he was dreaming, but it happened a lot. Then he started to get short tempered. Come to find out, he was having an affair with my best friend. I caught them together and it was devistating. When I saw them together, they both seemed zoned out. Like their eyes were dark and looking past me. No remorse from either of them, no emotions. It was the craziest thing I've ever experienced. I'm sure they were high on something. She is an elementary teacher and totally out of the norm behavior for both of them.

I asked him to move out and about six weeks later I filed for divorce. Since then, I have noticed a lot of things going on with him. We have two children, one is an adult and married , the other is 14. There was a night that he was full of energy, then sat down at the table and I saw him with his head down, chin to chest, sleeping sitting up with a perfect strand of drool hanging straight down to his lap. He has lost a lot of weight, despite drinking weight gain shake. His face is thin, almost sunken in. I found a roll of aluminum foil under the seat in his car. He is very short tempered, he gets angry over everything, and blames me for all of the problems in our life. I can't get him to focus long enough to carry out a basic conversation about bills and our children. We own a business together and he has let it go downhill to the point that he will take money from a client and not follow through delivering their finished product. He borrowed a truck from a friend when his broke down and ended up putting over six thousand miles on it in a little over a month. His job is only a few miles away, so it wasn't from driving to work. He lives in his mom's basement now, and she said he sleeps all of the time. He has taken on second jobs to try to make up from the lack of income from our business, but has had and lost four jobs in four months. He barely sees our daughter anymore. He avoids me at all costs and seems to hate me.

Does it sound like he is using drugs, and if so, what is he using? Or am I over reacting? I've asked him if he is using and he gets extremely angry when I ask him, yells, then hangs up on me. I am an emotional mess trying to make heads or tails of this. We have been married for 16 years, and this is not the man I know.

chicory

Welcome rooskie.

I can't tell you what he is taking, but I can tell you that I have heard others describe addicts behaving this way.

Stick around. I know that someone will be along soon , to share their experience.

Even if this person isn't on drugs, he isn't being functional. Trust your guts, I think you know the answer, but its tough to pin that on someone we care about.

Mountainmanbob

I think that we need to face the facts (as shown above)
I'm not a betting man, but if I was
I would bet 10 dollars to 1 dollar that he's high on something
If this has been going on for a while
he might be an addict ??

MM

AnvilheadII

sounds like oxy or heroin....but could be a variety of things. lots of weird dope out there now.

the fact are he cheated on you AND he's acting very strange, ruining your business, and now not even giving any time to his own chil

probably best to consider legal action to protect yourself and your child and get him out of the business.

sorry

rooskie

Thank you so much for answering my post so quickly.

I agree that all of the signs are there, I just don't know much about drugs and addiction, and am so close to the situation, that its hard to see it clearly. I have filed for divorce, and it is moving along slowly. I have asked for full custody of our daughter. Our business will be closing on December 31, so we can finish out open orders.

I am dealing with a serious health condition, which is progressive, and this really adds a lot of stress.
I was also thinking heroin, after doing a google search. We live in such a rural, small populated area, I can't imagine where he would get it. Maybe that explains the high truck mileage.

Are there certain things or behaviors to look for with a heroin or opiate addiction? I don't think he would use needles, but I guess its possible. He started a factory job a few weeks ago where they drug test. How would he be able to hide it from a test?

Hope7726

Hi rooskie. Definitely sounds like drugs. I would say heroin as well but who knows for sure. You can smoke, snort, or shoot heroin. You would be surprised how widely available it is. Sadly.

You are NOT overreacting. He is being extremely reckless and that's not acceptable. Also, don't expect him to tell you the truth about anything. Lying is a symptom of addiction. Addicts will lie the same as they breathe while using. It is their lifeline.

I've heard of people somehow using other people's urine to pass drug tests. I have no idea how they pull that off but addicts pull off a lot of crazy stuff.

rooskie

Thank you for your response. You are right about the lying. I've caught him in more lies than I can count. Even lying about things that are so minimal, there is no reason to lie about them.

Can heroin/opiate users still appear to have it all together? He has been going to his new job on time, and even got a great evaluation. He is a very charming man, everyone likes him. If you were holding a red piece of paper, he could convince you that its blue. And he can talk/charm anyone into anything. He almost has an aura around him that attracts people to him. Can he be using heroin and still function?

He seems to hate me. And I mean HATE me. He avoids me like he never even knew me. He looks straight in my eyes and tells me he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Really? After 16 years of marriage? He went to church with me every Sunday, but has stopped going now. Our pastor asked him if he would consider couple counseling (this was before I filed for divorce) and his answer was simply "nope!". Its almost like looking at the man I married, but a demon has possessed his body.

He just doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. I'm almost positive its a drug addiction. Is the drooling thing specific to heroin?

AnvilheadII

sweetie, try not to focus on the SUBSTANCE he MAY be using, but instead the collection of ACTIONS he has displayed over time. the lying, the cheating, the way he treats you now....

he's not really functioning right now.

and he brings nothing good to your life.

mejo

Yeah, sounds like drugs. And during active addiction they do "hate" anyone who tries to get in their way of their drug. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please, stay safe.

Calmwater

[QUOTE=rooskie;5049429]Thank you for your response. You are right about the lying. I've caught him in more lies than I can count. Even lying about things that are so minimal, there is no reason to lie about them.

Can heroin/opiate users still appear to have it all together? He has been going to his new job on time, and even got a great evaluation. He is a very charming man, everyone likes him. If you were holding a red piece of paper, he could convince you that its blue. And he can talk/charm anyone into anything. He almost has an aura around him that attracts people to him.


Sorry, hope I did the quote thing right, first time I've tried it!

This sounds exactly like my AH. People adore him, usually, and want to be around him. Also, yes, he kept functioning, and did appear to have it together. But usually the time they can keep up the act tends to get shorter as things progress.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. I struggle with a health condition too, although its under control right now, thank goodness, and I know how that makes things just that much more frightening.

NJandy

IMHO heroin or meth (foil used to smoke it), but most likely heroin, because of the drool. The drool is called being "on the nod." Heroin (and meth) are widely available, so it does not matter where you live. It could be a combination of drugs.

Yes heroin users can appear perfectly normal. And drug users generally can and will do anything to create the conditions that make further drug use possible.

It is easy to beat a drug test. Most users who want to do this simply "cache" their urine -- they save urine that is clean (or get clean urine from someone else) and bring it in a container to the drug test. The testers almost never watch the person actually urinate, even when they go into the bathroom with them. This is even true at drug treatment facilities. So they just slip in the clean urine and they're good to go. Both my girlfriend and my stepson have used this method to beat drug tests. I believe drug testing is close to useless. It is has to be very rigorously conducted to be effective, and it rarely is.

hopeful4

I am so sorry.

I am a bit confused. So he does or does not live w/you?

Regardless of anything, his behavior is not normal. You need to protect your 14 y.o. so that he never, ever, drives your child.

I would also recommend getting out of the business w/him ASAP b/c w/ that sort of behavior it's only time before someone files suit, and you will be on the hook also.

Talk to an attorney.

I am so sorry.

rooskie

Thank you so much for all of your help.

No, he does not live with us anymore. When I found out he was cheating, I asked him to move out. He is living in his mom's basement. She is a huge enabler. She actually just bought him a new car. He's 39!

Our business is closing at the end of the month.

I had no idea it was so easy to fake a drug test. I'm naive when it comes to drugs, I guess. That's so crazy that its so easy to fake. If they test your hair, can that be faked, too?

Are there other signs of heroin addiction that I should be watching for? I'm really thinking that is what he is using. How long can a person function on heroin? How long can they hide it before it becomes obvious to people?

jjj111

rooskie, I've seen a lot of people on these boards driving themselves crazy trying to figure out what substance their loved one is using and whether they're actively using. I guess maybe this detective work gives people a sense of control, or makes them feel like they understand the reasons for their loved one's bad behavior? But Anvilhead is right, it doesn't really matter what he's using or how often. What matters is that he is a 39yo man, living in his mother's basement, cheating on you and treating you with great hostility. As long as that behavior continues, he is showing you that he is not a good spouse and probably not capable of being trusted as a parent. People who have been dealing with addicted loved ones for a long time sometimes say "using looks like using, and recovery looks like recovery." I think that's a very wise saying. Don't waste too much energy on figuring out what he's using. Save that energy for taking good care of yourself and your children.

NJandy

I agree with one caveat. While it's a good idea to resist the urge to engage in detective work, it's not a bad idea to bear in mind how drug addicts can hide their addiction. There are many times when I thought my girlfriend was doing "great" only to find out she was high as a kite the entire time. I knew a couple who told me they gradually learned the telltale sign when their son was using drugs -- he was suddenly helpful, polite, cooperative. He was dope sick when he was a acting like a pain in the ass. So don't ever mistake apparently good behavior for clean living.

F50Lurker

It sounds like heroin to me. And he "hates" you because he is ashamed for you to see him that way, I think.

zoso77

Rooskie...

Late in responding to this. So first things first: Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you posted.

I am really, really sorry that this has happened. And with your best friend? Jeeeez.

Good for you.

Of course he does. And that's because he's an addict in full blown addiction. I suppose it was also your fault that he was boinking your (former) best friend, it was definitely your fault that he put 6,000 miles on his friend's truck, and it was unequivocally your fault that he's lost 4 jobs in 4 months.

Don't pay any attention to the enormous pile of bullsh*t he's shoveling in your direction. Not accepting any accountability for his problems is symptomatic of the disease.

I would do what is necessary to protect yourself, your 14 year old, and your business, legally and otherwise. I would assume that every time his lips are moving, he's lying through his teeth.

Keep us posted. We're here for you.

eyestothesky

Wow, you have definitely been through alot. Definitely sounds like drugs. Meth can be smoked from foil. It gives users high bursts of energy and an increased libido. When high Tue eyes become. dilated and dark. Many users begin to lose weight, especially in the face. I know, my ex hid it from me for years. He flopped around in his sleep and was very moody. He was able to pass drug tests because unlike opiates, it vacates the system within 72 hrs. He was extremely productive when he first began using and I actually accused him of drug use when he was clean, due to the moodiness and fatigue of withdrawal. Sadly enough, since our estrangement he has lost his job and doesn't even resemble the same man physically or otherwise. You are in my thoughts and prayers.