9 month relapse but here I am again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
9 month relapse but here I am again.
My original quit date was 11/14/13. I was sober for almost 100 days and decided to take that first drink right around my birthday. For a few months I had everything under control... or so I thought.
But then it became more frequent and more alcohol in each binge. First they were a few weeks apart, then a week, then a few days each. On Thanksgiving I got so drunk that I blacked out and woke up with a huge bruise on my hand that I can't remember getting.
I don't want to quit drinking despite all of this. But that is how I know that I am truly losing my battle with alcohol. I don't want to die like this either so I have to try this again.
I have been sober for 2 days now. I will not drink today.
Thank you ahead of time for the great support and advice that I know will be coming.
But then it became more frequent and more alcohol in each binge. First they were a few weeks apart, then a week, then a few days each. On Thanksgiving I got so drunk that I blacked out and woke up with a huge bruise on my hand that I can't remember getting.
I don't want to quit drinking despite all of this. But that is how I know that I am truly losing my battle with alcohol. I don't want to die like this either so I have to try this again.
I have been sober for 2 days now. I will not drink today.
Thank you ahead of time for the great support and advice that I know will be coming.
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey DoPerdition- Sorry to hear about your slip. However, there's no reason that you can't refocus and start again. Hopefully you've taken something to learn from this slip, and you'll be able to avoid another one, should the temptation return.
When you're wired like most of us in here, there is no 'controlled' drinking. I think once we are able to appreciate that, then things can be just a bit easier.
I wish you the best with your continued progress.
Lusher
When you're wired like most of us in here, there is no 'controlled' drinking. I think once we are able to appreciate that, then things can be just a bit easier.
I wish you the best with your continued progress.
Lusher
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
I'd say the only silver lining to my relapse is that I am very certain now that I cannot control my drinking.
I tried that and it doesn't work for me. Now I am at the point where I think I have to accept that while I would love to be able to drink moderately like other people can, I just can't.
Is it normal that I am way more scared and anxious about quitting this time around?
I tried that and it doesn't work for me. Now I am at the point where I think I have to accept that while I would love to be able to drink moderately like other people can, I just can't.
Is it normal that I am way more scared and anxious about quitting this time around?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
It's the great obsession of every alcoholic to drink like normal drinkers, but we can't. I too relapsed quite a few times trying to "control" my drinking. There was no control. It helps me to know I'm not the only person sober and there are others who abstain, not everyone drinks for the holidays (which is a very hard time for me). Deciding not to drink gets easier as time goes on, for me the first 6 months were the most difficult. It does get easier and surrounding yourself with others who are not drinking is a big help. I think being scared this time around means you are really coming to terms that you have a drinking problem and probably can't drink. When I think about forever and never, it's just too depressing and overwhelming. I have to think in terms of shorter periods of time, or even just for today. My family doesn't drink, so I'm lucky and it makes it easier for me to stay sober. Coming to terms with my alcoholism was a lengthy process. It could be you just need more time to come to terms with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
A year ago, I would have told you that I 100% had come to terms with my drinking problem. Now, I would tell you that I will probably never come to terms with it completely. But I do wish to understand it and to be able to fight the urge to drink. Right now I am taking it one day at a time. Maybe tomorrow it will be one hour at a time.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Welcome back , and great job coming to this decision.
looking back I can see that the anxiety I felt on making my decision to quit for good was coming from my AV, that part of me that exists for the sole purpose of intoxication. Intellectually I had taken the drinking option off the table for good, emotions came flooding in and made me feel that that was impossible. I would assume the emotional estimate is equal to your level of commitment to this decision. The AV knows the jig is up, there are no more doubts , alcohol consumption has come to an end. It is not going to like that prospect. Starve it out, don't give in to its urges.
looking back I can see that the anxiety I felt on making my decision to quit for good was coming from my AV, that part of me that exists for the sole purpose of intoxication. Intellectually I had taken the drinking option off the table for good, emotions came flooding in and made me feel that that was impossible. I would assume the emotional estimate is equal to your level of commitment to this decision. The AV knows the jig is up, there are no more doubts , alcohol consumption has come to an end. It is not going to like that prospect. Starve it out, don't give in to its urges.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Welcome back!
There were days in the beginning, when I took it one minute at a time whilst staring at a clock. It's not easy.
For me, it took several tries. I had six months sober, three times. Each time I thought I had grasped the extent of my addiction, and admitted I was powerless over alcohol. But the six month mark would come and I would get this idea in my head that I was "cured." As someone above wisely said, the great obsession of the alcoholic is thinking we can drink again safely. That's a dance with the devil.
Finally, I decided to work aa steps with a sponsor. A really great sponsor. Took me three years to find someone I jelled with and it made all the difference.
Whatever method you choose for recovery doesn't really matter, as long as it works for you. But I believe every method which is effective will incorporate the admission that we are completely powerless over our addiction. If alcohol enters my body, I can't control how much more I will have. And that leads to a lot of crap I don't want to invite back I to my life.
There's a ton of freedom in admitting powerlessness here.
There were days in the beginning, when I took it one minute at a time whilst staring at a clock. It's not easy.
For me, it took several tries. I had six months sober, three times. Each time I thought I had grasped the extent of my addiction, and admitted I was powerless over alcohol. But the six month mark would come and I would get this idea in my head that I was "cured." As someone above wisely said, the great obsession of the alcoholic is thinking we can drink again safely. That's a dance with the devil.
Finally, I decided to work aa steps with a sponsor. A really great sponsor. Took me three years to find someone I jelled with and it made all the difference.
Whatever method you choose for recovery doesn't really matter, as long as it works for you. But I believe every method which is effective will incorporate the admission that we are completely powerless over our addiction. If alcohol enters my body, I can't control how much more I will have. And that leads to a lot of crap I don't want to invite back I to my life.
There's a ton of freedom in admitting powerlessness here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me it was one or the other, I didn't want to quit drinking, but I also didn't like the consequences of drinking, the problem was though the consequences came with the package!!
I needed to part ways with alcohol on a permanent basis, birthdays, festive periods, weddings, Xmas, they all now needed to be non drinking occasions, no more going a few months and planning my next drink, it was all or nothing!!
You can do this!!
I needed to part ways with alcohol on a permanent basis, birthdays, festive periods, weddings, Xmas, they all now needed to be non drinking occasions, no more going a few months and planning my next drink, it was all or nothing!!
You can do this!!
Stay positive.
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 84
I too, blacked out on Thanksgiving 
it was my second black out this month and it happened in front of 30 relatives... Some younger and impressionable children, and my 85 year old grandparents. My sister had a video of me and I was so mortified. I'm ready to make the change. A few months ago I also thought it was ok to just drink "in moderation" and then I lost two pregnancies and spiraled out of control. I wanted to feel nothing. It's so important to recognize the lack of control we have over alcohol. I wish you all the best.
it was my second black out this month and it happened in front of 30 relatives... Some younger and impressionable children, and my 85 year old grandparents. My sister had a video of me and I was so mortified. I'm ready to make the change. A few months ago I also thought it was ok to just drink "in moderation" and then I lost two pregnancies and spiraled out of control. I wanted to feel nothing. It's so important to recognize the lack of control we have over alcohol. I wish you all the best.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
I hated the mystery bruises! I had them all over my legs, and one on my hand that I'm pretty sure was from punching a cement floor...because that's a great idea.
I had seven months last year and broke it with a tiny glass of champagne. I escalated so slowly over the course of a year, I didn't even see it happening until several months in I was drinking 24 hrs a day.
It's so easy to get complacent and to let a stretch of sobriety trick you into thinking you can control it. I thought I could control it because I had quit for so long, then I had some and still seemed to be in control, so that just cemented the idea that I was fine. Sometimes you don't lose control all at once, sometimes it chips away slowly until one day you realize you have none left.
It was and remains very difficult to accept that I am an alcoholic and truly cannot control this. But I think many of us are in that boat, so you are in good company here.
I had seven months last year and broke it with a tiny glass of champagne. I escalated so slowly over the course of a year, I didn't even see it happening until several months in I was drinking 24 hrs a day.
It's so easy to get complacent and to let a stretch of sobriety trick you into thinking you can control it. I thought I could control it because I had quit for so long, then I had some and still seemed to be in control, so that just cemented the idea that I was fine. Sometimes you don't lose control all at once, sometimes it chips away slowly until one day you realize you have none left.
It was and remains very difficult to accept that I am an alcoholic and truly cannot control this. But I think many of us are in that boat, so you are in good company here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Originally Posted by DoPerdition 
I'd say the only silver lining to my relapse is that I am very certain now that I cannot control my drinking.
I tried that and it doesn't work for me. Now I am at the point where I think I have to accept that while I would love to be able to drink moderately like other people can, I just can't.
Is it normal that I am way more scared and anxious about quitting this time around?
I tried that and it doesn't work for me. Now I am at the point where I think I have to accept that while I would love to be able to drink moderately like other people can, I just can't.
Is it normal that I am way more scared and anxious about quitting this time around?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome back DP
I don't actually think it's necessary for you to understand it in order for you to quit.
Waiting for that understanding kept me drinking for many years.
Just quit...ruminate on the why later
What's your plan?
D
I don't actually think it's necessary for you to understand it in order for you to quit.
Waiting for that understanding kept me drinking for many years.
Just quit...ruminate on the why later
What's your plan?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Welcome back DP
I don't actually think it's necessary for you to understand it in order for you to quit.
Waiting for that understanding kept me drinking for many years.
Just quit...ruminate on the why later
What's your plan?
D
I don't actually think it's necessary for you to understand it in order for you to quit.
Waiting for that understanding kept me drinking for many years.
Just quit...ruminate on the why later
What's your plan?
D
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