Katchie

Its been a long day. I've worked on myself and had a few crying spells, but nothing too bad, just trying to feel what I'm feeling without stuffing it all in. Spent all afternoon until 7 watching a basketball scrimmage 3 of my 4 sons were playing in, while my eldest sat with me -- he's home for the holiday from school. I drive home from the scrimmage just in time for my youngest son to hop in the car so I can take him over to a friends house. I stop to get him something to eat on the way and he takes the time to tell me why he didn't let me know that he knew his dad was drinking again. He said it's because he didn't want me to leave his dad. My heart sank. I had very limited time with him since we were driving to his friends house so I tried to tell him that his dad has to learn to accept consequences from his drinking and that its possible that could be one if he continues down this road or he will never have a reason to quit; not that I'm a reason or he is a reason, but that we don't want him to stay comfortable in his habit or he will always drink. I told him that even if I left that wouldn't mean that he would quit and he could continue to worsen as he already is.
I also explained the heartache its caused me over the years that they haven't always been able to see because I've tried my hardest to shield them from it as much as I could. Also that one day he will marry and have kids of his own; who wants to bring their children over to see drunk grandpa? Who can trust a drunk grandpa? His wife would have every right to not want her family around his drunk dad and that affects me too.
That's all I could get out before he dashed off to his friends home. This is so screwed up. I NEVER imagined in a million years, in all the dreams I had for a family as a girl, that this would EVER be a topic of discussion with my children.

Eauchiche

Sounds like you are making the very best you can of a bad situation. You are being honest with your children. I'm sure this will pay off for them later.

LexieCat

Yes, it's very sad that kids have to be educated about this kind of thing, but I agree with Eauchiche--you were very honest with him, and that will pay dividends in the future. He will know there is at least one parent he can count on to tell him the truth.

Hugs,

MissFixit

Well Katchie,

The flip side is this. They grow up with active alcoholism never discussed. They know something is off, but do not understand what or why. They become adults and cannot adjust properly because the GIANT elephant in the room was never addressed.

By talking with them now and all of you getting the necessary therapy, alanon or alateen, you are creating new healthier paths for their future. You are helping them by discussing the elephant in the room and removing them from active addiction, so hopefully they do make the same mistakes.

MissFixit

double post

SparkleKitty

Katchie your handled that just beautifully. Hugs.

CodeJob

Yep he knew straight up the likely consequences of Dad relapsing.

That had to be a tough conversation Katchie. Hugs!

SeriousKarma

At a recent Alanon/Alateen area assembly meeting a little girl, maybe nine or ten years old, got up and read the steps at the beginning of the meeting. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Hearing that sweet little voice say "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." was a moment I'll never forget. If ever there was a group of people who were powerless, and who's lives had become unmanageable, it's the children of alcoholics.

You're doing a great job, Katchie, but if you feel you need some help you may want to look into a Alateen. They've got some fantastic literature (great for adults as well as kids), as well as the meetings. It helped my daughter a lot knowing that we weren't the only family living with this craziness.