ISOanswers

I have been in a long distance relationship with a recovering addict for nearly 9 months now, who had just begun recovery again at the start of our relationship though I was unaware of that at the time. Before that he had a nearly 5 months long relapse that began about 6 months after his divorce.


Just a few days ago he confessed that he was using again, not because he wanted or needed to but because he was frightened and overwhelmed Both by his feelings for me and our future together and because he is going through some family drama. Also because he feels he doesn't deserve to be happy or to have good things, so he self sabotages.

I knew something was amiss when for the last couple weeks he hadnt seemed his usual self. He was trying but my gut told me something was wrong. He basically in our last conversation told me of his hate for himself, and that he loved me deeply but that he was a loser and I deserve better. We decided to take a few days to think and make some decisions. I don't know what to do, I love this man more than anyone I have ever met and I cannot bear the thought of losing him, but I'm scared myself. Am I in for a lifetime of pain should I chose to stay with him?

hopeful4

In my opinion, yes. He is using because there is stress, and that is how an addict handles it.

I can only tell you what I told my Xhusband. There will always be stress. There will always be someone sick, someone dying, jobs that come and go. There will also be celebrations, season changes, etc. All of these were "excuses" to pick up. Until he realizes in his own life how to manage these things without using, he won't ever be clean.

I am sorry if this sounds callous, I just want to be truthful in how I feel about your question.

I wish you a warm welcome here at SR. I hope you read, read, and read some more. Keep posting. The stickies at the top of the forum are full of great info. This will give you a bit more insight about this topic.

Hope7726

Hi ISO. I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can relate.

I told my AXBF the same thing that hopeful told her AXH - situations will always arise when he wants to use. He had to be committed to never using again. He wasn't.

I would suggest reading the "stickies" at the top of the forum page. I found "6, 8, 10 times" and "A doctor's advise about addicts and loved ones" to be especially helpful. And of course read other people's stories. Many have been in very similar situations as you.

Have you heard the saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them? Your BF has told you I HATE MYSELF. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Maybe you should listen to him.

ISOanswers

Thank you so much for the helpful replies.

He says I deserve better and that he hates himself, yes...but the way he sees himself is not the way I do. Up until this point in our relationship, he has been the most amazing, attentive, sweet partner a girl could ask for. That's my reason for hanging on.

He had been considering once again going to meetings again and encouraged me to go to spousal meetings for those involved with addicts but both unfortunately got pushed aside. Neither of us has a truly good excuse for that. I used the reason that I am painfully shy, but that's really no excuse. I'm planning to do this for myself regardless of when he decides to recommit to his recovery.

AnvilheadII

relationships can be tricky.
relationships with addicts get extra tricky.

this might actually be a place where distance works for both of you....you are not present when he is drinking, or drunk or hungover....you don't have to watch the alcohol CHANGE him. he also doesn't have to HIDE as much...addicts/alcoholics tend to be sneaky by nature.

you can go check out meetings of any and every kind and really explore what feels right and works for you. he can get his rump back into recovery and do whatever it is he needs to do to stay the course.

he has some established drinking and relapse patterns that are pretty common - when the going gets tough, the tough go drinking! that's his Go To response. problem is, there is always, ALWAYS yet another EXCUSE to drink. cuz the SOLUTION to people getting sick, or losing a job or having your house burn down is NOT to get drunk....there really is no single justifiable reason to drink except....I Wanted To....whether its because the 2008 Pouilly Fuisee pairs nicely with the Escargot OR because the wife just left.

it's only been 9 months.....you are still learning about each other. if you have the patience and want to see how this goes, give it maybe another six months....see what direction he takes and if he stays on course. or keeps wobbling. don't get rescuing him. don't drag him home and chain him to the radiator to keep him sober!!! LOL just........watch.

Vale

>>>>don't drag him home and chain him to the radiator to keep him sober!!!<<<<<

DAMN! THAT'S where I went wrong! Should have chained to a structural member!
(If a hammer doesn't work on a problem----get a bigger hammer!)