Relapse!!!! :( :( how long do they last?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Relapse!!!! :( :( how long do they last?
My husband has had a relapse! I am so ANGRY, hurt and disappointed, I thought he was doing good? He was doing good for about a month after leaving a detox program and then he had a relapse. Am I wrong in my feelings!??? Is a relapse or more to be expected? And what may I have done wrong? Could I have possibly contributed to his relapse? PLEASE, BE VERY HONEST AND UPFRONT WITH ME, I have taken many negative mental and emotional bunches from him, a few more won't make a difference, unless they are "constructive" punches. Thank you soberrecovery community, your input will be greatly appreciated. #feeling so sad right now 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
also....
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
The ONLY and the BEST thing you can do is ensure that YOU are supported and YOU are taking care of yourself. AlAnon or the family and friends group here... a counselor.... finding other group support in your area.... caring for your own needs emotionally and physically....
Possibly standing up with clear boundaries and considering a break from your marriage if things are getting out of hand and his relapse is impacting your own wellness....
There is NOTHING that you can or will do to change the alcoholic.... he must come to his own readiness. Until he does, you must look out for yourself.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
The ONLY and the BEST thing you can do is ensure that YOU are supported and YOU are taking care of yourself. AlAnon or the family and friends group here... a counselor.... finding other group support in your area.... caring for your own needs emotionally and physically....
Possibly standing up with clear boundaries and considering a break from your marriage if things are getting out of hand and his relapse is impacting your own wellness....
There is NOTHING that you can or will do to change the alcoholic.... he must come to his own readiness. Until he does, you must look out for yourself.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
First off this is not your fault ignore any talk of its your fault is false
Your husbasnd made a choice to drink
Its up to him how long this lasts in the meantime we have a friends & fasmily section where youl find additional support as well as support here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
its ok its not your fault
Your husbasnd made a choice to drink
Its up to him how long this lasts in the meantime we have a friends & fasmily section where youl find additional support as well as support here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
its ok its not your fault
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
First off this is not your fault ignore any talk of its your fault is false
Your husbasnd made a choice to drink
Its up to him how long this lasts in the meantime we have a friends & fasmily section where youl find additional support as well as support here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
its ok its not your fault
Your husbasnd made a choice to drink
Its up to him how long this lasts in the meantime we have a friends & fasmily section where youl find additional support as well as support here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
its ok its not your fault
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
they last until we're ready to get sober.....
the good news is, they are often the foundation of deeper, more successful sobriety.
the good news is, they are often the foundation of deeper, more successful sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I’m sorry but the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is drink. No one can get an alcoholic drunk or sober, they need to do it for themselves.
I would strongly suggest 2 things for you, one is get involved in the Family and Friends forum on this site and #2 go to Al-Anon meetings in your area.
These people are/have gone through the same thing and they have the answers, many you may not like but your fighting for your sanity and life.
BE WELL
I’m sorry but the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is drink. No one can get an alcoholic drunk or sober, they need to do it for themselves.
I would strongly suggest 2 things for you, one is get involved in the Family and Friends forum on this site and #2 go to Al-Anon meetings in your area.
These people are/have gone through the same thing and they have the answers, many you may not like but your fighting for your sanity and life.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Parkman OH
Posts: 114
Definitely not your fault, he chose to do what he is doing. As for length, that again is up to him. Your priority is yourself while this is going on. I recommend getting into al anon with others that know what it is you are going through and can give you guidance in the steps you need to be ok with yourself in this situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
also....
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
The ONLY and the BEST thing you can do is ensure that YOU are supported and YOU are taking care of yourself. AlAnon or the family and friends group here... a counselor.... finding other group support in your area.... caring for your own needs emotionally and physically....
Possibly standing up with clear boundaries and considering a break from your marriage if things are getting out of hand and his relapse is impacting your own wellness....
There is NOTHING that you can or will do to change the alcoholic.... he must come to his own readiness. Until he does, you must look out for yourself.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
The ONLY and the BEST thing you can do is ensure that YOU are supported and YOU are taking care of yourself. AlAnon or the family and friends group here... a counselor.... finding other group support in your area.... caring for your own needs emotionally and physically....
Possibly standing up with clear boundaries and considering a break from your marriage if things are getting out of hand and his relapse is impacting your own wellness....
There is NOTHING that you can or will do to change the alcoholic.... he must come to his own readiness. Until he does, you must look out for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by LBrain
how long do they last, when will they happen? it's like trying to predict which way the roaches are going to run when you turn on the lights...
AND what FreeOwl said.
AND what FreeOwl said.
Thank you again for that wonderful illustration. It got me to smiling, which I haven't done since his relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by soberwolf
First off this is not your fault ignore any talk of its your fault is false
Your husbasnd made a choice to drink
Its up to him how long this lasts in the meantime we have a friends & fasmily section where youl find additional support as well as support here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
its ok its not your fault
Your husbasnd made a choice to drink
Its up to him how long this lasts in the meantime we have a friends & fasmily section where youl find additional support as well as support here
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
NEW! Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
its ok its not your fault
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by barefootjunker
Definitely not your fault, he chose to do what he is doing. As for length, that again is up to him. Your priority is yourself while this is going on. I recommend getting into al anon with others that know what it is you are going through and can give you guidance in the steps you need to be ok with yourself in this situation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
ssenteews,
I notice you've made ALL your posts over at the Newcomer's forum looking for input from the alcoholics to explain what you can do to "help" your husband.
Now, I think everyone in a relationship with an alcoholic should try to understand alcoholism (I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and am six years sober, myself), but what you need to grasp is that what YOU can do to assist his recovery is very, very limited. In fact, the best thing you can do FOR him is to stay out of his way and let him handle his recovery (and relapse) with the help of the people he already knows can help. I would presume he's got numbers of counselors from rehab and lists of AA meetings. He can use those if he wants to put the brakes on his relapse.
It sounds as if you are neglecting your own care. Have you been going to Al-Anon? Have you tried reading (I know you haven't posted, yet) on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum?
I understand (oh, boy, do I understand!) how distressing this is, but working harder at helping him, or at figuring him out, isn't going to help either one of you.
Hugs, I hope you will try the FFA forum--you will find a lot of support there.
I notice you've made ALL your posts over at the Newcomer's forum looking for input from the alcoholics to explain what you can do to "help" your husband.
Now, I think everyone in a relationship with an alcoholic should try to understand alcoholism (I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and am six years sober, myself), but what you need to grasp is that what YOU can do to assist his recovery is very, very limited. In fact, the best thing you can do FOR him is to stay out of his way and let him handle his recovery (and relapse) with the help of the people he already knows can help. I would presume he's got numbers of counselors from rehab and lists of AA meetings. He can use those if he wants to put the brakes on his relapse.
It sounds as if you are neglecting your own care. Have you been going to Al-Anon? Have you tried reading (I know you haven't posted, yet) on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum?
I understand (oh, boy, do I understand!) how distressing this is, but working harder at helping him, or at figuring him out, isn't going to help either one of you.
Hugs, I hope you will try the FFA forum--you will find a lot of support there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by IOAA2
Hi.
I’m sorry but the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is drink. No one can get an alcoholic drunk or sober, they need to do it for themselves.
I would strongly suggest 2 things for you, one is get involved in the Family and Friends forum on this site and #2 go to Al-Anon meetings in your area.
These people are/have gone through the same thing and they have the answers, many you may not like but your fighting for your sanity and life.
BE WELL
I’m sorry but the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is drink. No one can get an alcoholic drunk or sober, they need to do it for themselves.
I would strongly suggest 2 things for you, one is get involved in the Family and Friends forum on this site and #2 go to Al-Anon meetings in your area.
These people are/have gone through the same thing and they have the answers, many you may not like but your fighting for your sanity and life.
BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by LexieCat
ssenteews,
I notice you've made ALL your posts over at the Newcomer's forum looking for input from the alcoholics to explain what you can do to "help" your husband.
Now, I think everyone in a relationship with an alcoholic should try to understand alcoholism (I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and am six years sober, myself), but what you need to grasp is that what YOU can do to assist his recovery is very, very limited. In fact, the best thing you can do FOR him is to stay out of his way and let him handle his recovery (and relapse) with the help of the people he already knows can help. I would presume he's got numbers of counselors from rehab and lists of AA meetings. He can use those if he wants to put the brakes on his relapse.
It sounds as if you are neglecting your own care. Have you been going to Al-Anon? Have you tried reading (I know you haven't posted, yet) on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum?
I understand (oh, boy, do I understand!) how distressing this is, but working harder at helping him, or at figuring him out, isn't going to help either one of you.
Hugs, I hope you will try the FFA forum--you will find a lot of support there.
I notice you've made ALL your posts over at the Newcomer's forum looking for input from the alcoholics to explain what you can do to "help" your husband.
Now, I think everyone in a relationship with an alcoholic should try to understand alcoholism (I've been in two marriages to alcoholics and am six years sober, myself), but what you need to grasp is that what YOU can do to assist his recovery is very, very limited. In fact, the best thing you can do FOR him is to stay out of his way and let him handle his recovery (and relapse) with the help of the people he already knows can help. I would presume he's got numbers of counselors from rehab and lists of AA meetings. He can use those if he wants to put the brakes on his relapse.
It sounds as if you are neglecting your own care. Have you been going to Al-Anon? Have you tried reading (I know you haven't posted, yet) on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum?
I understand (oh, boy, do I understand!) how distressing this is, but working harder at helping him, or at figuring him out, isn't going to help either one of you.
Hugs, I hope you will try the FFA forum--you will find a lot of support there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I have to echo Lexie's comments. Trying to get inside the mind of an alcoholic so that you can somehow front run a relapse is a futile gesture.
I really really encourage you to read all you can on the Friends and Family forum here. There is a reason that forum is so helpful….each one of them have tried to front run their loved ones drinking, tried to solve the great mystery, tried to figure out how they could facilitate sobriety.
In short, they can't. The one thing they can absolutely do is to learn how to let go.
Other people simply aren't that powerful in regards to an alcoholic's behavior.….they can't cause an alcoholic to relapse, and they can't get an alcoholic sober.
You husband was sober for a very long time. He knows what he needs to do. If he is throwing a lot of negativity your way then it is important for you to realize the three C's…you didn't Cause this, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. What you can control is how much of his behavior you allow to hurt you. That is why I am emphasizing the Family and Friends forum here.
If he is lobbing mental and emotional negative punches at you then it is important to learn how to define boundaries. Whether he is drinking or not, you do not deserve to be his verbal punching bag. His affliction does not excuse unacceptable behavior.
Keep reaching out. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy. Loved ones end up going down the rabbit hole with us because they so afraid of sending the alcoholic back to the bottle. He is an adult, he is responsible for his choices and their consequences
Take care of yourself!
I really really encourage you to read all you can on the Friends and Family forum here. There is a reason that forum is so helpful….each one of them have tried to front run their loved ones drinking, tried to solve the great mystery, tried to figure out how they could facilitate sobriety.
In short, they can't. The one thing they can absolutely do is to learn how to let go.
Other people simply aren't that powerful in regards to an alcoholic's behavior.….they can't cause an alcoholic to relapse, and they can't get an alcoholic sober.
You husband was sober for a very long time. He knows what he needs to do. If he is throwing a lot of negativity your way then it is important for you to realize the three C's…you didn't Cause this, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. What you can control is how much of his behavior you allow to hurt you. That is why I am emphasizing the Family and Friends forum here.
If he is lobbing mental and emotional negative punches at you then it is important to learn how to define boundaries. Whether he is drinking or not, you do not deserve to be his verbal punching bag. His affliction does not excuse unacceptable behavior.
Keep reaching out. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy. Loved ones end up going down the rabbit hole with us because they so afraid of sending the alcoholic back to the bottle. He is an adult, he is responsible for his choices and their consequences
Take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello ssenteews,
My story - I drank for 40 years. After continued attempts to regulate my drinking, and at my wife's insistence, I went through a good rehab program, willingly. I drank about 6 weeks later. I stopped, I drank again. I stopped, I drank again. I continually went to AA. I drank after meetings. I continued to drink on and off. It got really bad and I knew I had to quit. I agreed to go on Antabuse, which I had previously refused to do, because 'I' was going to 'Fix Myself'. I agreed to work the AA 12 Steps, with my AA Sponsor. I listened to AA Speaker messages I found on the internet. I prayed and followed the AA program. It finally happened, the Miracle that is described in the AA Big Book. I highly recommend for You, and your Husband, to read it thoroughly. It is a TEXT BOOK for getting FREE.
I am now 1 year Sober & FREE. I could NOT fix myself, and it took every drinking cycle I went through to get here. My wife threw me out, she let me back in, she asked me to leave at times, but by the Grace of God she stuck with me through it. This is NOT meant to influence your decisions in the circumstances YOU are going through. that is YOUR choice, and you have every right to make the decisions you need to make for the well-being of you and your family, as you see it and as you may believe God leads you. There is hope, and there is complete recovery, but for me that did not mean I could be 'fixed' and ever drink again. I would never want to subject myself to that 'bondage of self' ever again.
I hope my story helps give some encouragement. RDBplus3...Sober & FREE
My story - I drank for 40 years. After continued attempts to regulate my drinking, and at my wife's insistence, I went through a good rehab program, willingly. I drank about 6 weeks later. I stopped, I drank again. I stopped, I drank again. I continually went to AA. I drank after meetings. I continued to drink on and off. It got really bad and I knew I had to quit. I agreed to go on Antabuse, which I had previously refused to do, because 'I' was going to 'Fix Myself'. I agreed to work the AA 12 Steps, with my AA Sponsor. I listened to AA Speaker messages I found on the internet. I prayed and followed the AA program. It finally happened, the Miracle that is described in the AA Big Book. I highly recommend for You, and your Husband, to read it thoroughly. It is a TEXT BOOK for getting FREE.
I am now 1 year Sober & FREE. I could NOT fix myself, and it took every drinking cycle I went through to get here. My wife threw me out, she let me back in, she asked me to leave at times, but by the Grace of God she stuck with me through it. This is NOT meant to influence your decisions in the circumstances YOU are going through. that is YOUR choice, and you have every right to make the decisions you need to make for the well-being of you and your family, as you see it and as you may believe God leads you. There is hope, and there is complete recovery, but for me that did not mean I could be 'fixed' and ever drink again. I would never want to subject myself to that 'bondage of self' ever again.
I hope my story helps give some encouragement. RDBplus3...Sober & FREE
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
I'm so sorry you are feeling sad. I am an alcoholic and I mean it when I say my husband has absolutely NO POWER over my choice to drink or not drink.
I drink because I am an alcoholic. I had 5.5 years of sobriety until releasing last year. Now I am on day 3. My poor husband tried everything to help me stay sober before my 5.5 years and in the end....what gave ME the desire to put down the drink was a REALLY bad consequence. I had to want it for ME. It is such a horrible disease for everyone. I'm sorry you are in pain. Have you been to Alanon? I really think that would help you.
Prayers...
I drink because I am an alcoholic. I had 5.5 years of sobriety until releasing last year. Now I am on day 3. My poor husband tried everything to help me stay sober before my 5.5 years and in the end....what gave ME the desire to put down the drink was a REALLY bad consequence. I had to want it for ME. It is such a horrible disease for everyone. I'm sorry you are in pain. Have you been to Alanon? I really think that would help you.
Prayers...
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