Serenidad

I am NOT doing well! I am gonna lay it all out here because we are only as sick as our secrets!

Here goes...a few months before my relapse in October of 2013 (after 5.5 years of sobriety) I started taking Klonopin (1 mg per day) again for severe anxiety. This medication is prescribed to me by my doctor and he knows I am an alcoholic. I was on it several years ago too.

I really don't know for sure...but I think this may have contributed to my relapse because Klonopin is a benzodiazepine and I have heard it referred to as "freeze-dried alcohol". I don't think it's a coincidence that I relapsed within a few months of starting it again. My anxiety disorder (diagnosed by a doctor and psychiatrist) was so bad I couldn't function at times so they put me back on it. :-(

Anyway...since I started drinking again I have continued to take Klonopin. I have read that this is very dangerous & can even be fatal & do it anyway. I also think this is the reason my cravings are sooooo bad! It's like I am putting alcohol (Klonopin) in my body every day while I am trying to stay sober!

I have come to the conclusion that I NEED to get off the Klonopin again or I will never be able to get sober. The thing that scares me is many years ago (before my 5.5 years) I checked myself into a treatment center and they ripped me off the Klonopin. This could have killed me! I left treatment after 3 days because I thought I was dying! When I got home I was in a fetal position on the kitchen floor. My doctor told me to take the Klonopin because you can't just stop it cold turkey...you need to taper & it takes a while. I did end up getting off of it before my 2008 sobriety date.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place because you can't just stop the Klonopin abruptly but I know it's causing the cravings! At least a BIG part of what is causing them! I need to stop drinking!!! I am going to die! I can't afford inpatient or outpatient treatment.

As you have seen and commented on...my latest craze is juicing, diet & no sugar. Last week it was 90 AA meeting in 90 days... The week before that it was.......and so on.....

I feel like I'm in hell! I feel like this is the end for me. I don't want to die! I want off this F-ing Klonopin & to be sober again! God help me! ANYONE help me!

My plan...which probably sucks...is to start to taper off the Klonopin under my doctors care & go to AA....in addition to other healthy choices. I'm just scared it won't work. I'm scared I've caused irreversible damage to my body.

I just wanted you all to know I am NOT doing well even though my ego had portrayed that I am. Our secrets kill us and I need your help! Of all things...I don't want alcoholism to kill me...please God! You guys can't help me if I'm not 100% honest....so I am being honest.

Please don't be too harsh...I can't handle it....I already hate myself & feel extremely hopeless. Sorry to disappoint you guys. :-(

God help me...

Dee74

I'm not a Dr so I have no advice really other than to keep speaking with your Dr - keep up the AA and keep up posting here.

I think sometimes we can equate cravings with doing badly...but the truth is most of us have relied on alcohol for years. It would be odd not to crave in the early recovery stage....

But the measure of our recovery is how we deal with those cravings...

the only real 'doing badly' to me is drinking again, so I reckon you're doing well Serenidad

D

Thepatman

Honesty to yourself is what counts the most. We are your friend on SR. Judgement not part of our support. chin up, ;-)

LBrain

hang in there serenidad, have you discussed this with the prescribing doctor?

biminiblue

I think it's common to have over-the-top fear at this stage in sobriety.

I've been able to get off all my Rx drugs over the past three years, I kinda knocked out one after the other. Alcohol was the last to go.

I think you are going to figure this out. Just breathe, talk to your doctor - maybe find a doctor who specializes in addiction.

All the stuff you are doing is good. The more the better!

Soberwolf

Hevyn

Really glad you want to talk it over Serenidad.

Stevie Nicks had a terrible battle with Klonopin. I'm glad you're off it.

Nonsensical

Breathe deep and relax. Your brain chemistry is sending you on an emotional roller coaster ride. Don't panic, it will steady out if you stay on track.

Coming off booze gave me severe anxiety for weeks. It's not any fun, but it's not the end of the world. It's just some mixed up feelings. I have dozens of feelings every day that I don't act upon. (I feel like punching my boss in the head. I feel like running other drivers off the road. etc.) Feeling like drinking is no different. It might be there, but I don't have to do anything about it.

Just don't drink. Drinking will make this ride bumpier and last longer. You're doing fine, even if you're not always feeling fine. Just try to relax.

Hawk07

One thing I do sometimes when I feel overwhelmed is for every negative worry running through my mind I try to counter it with something positive or calming. One I have quite often is 'I must have done irreversible damage to my body'. Counter that with the body has a remarkable ability to recover and repair itself when you're taking proper care of it. Which it sounds like you are doing a great job of so far Every day sober is a whole 24 hrs of your body doing remarkable things to repair and put back in order. It takes time.
I think its a good idea to talk to your Dr. about the Klonopin. Mention that you are worried it is jeopardizing your sobriety and see if there might be an alternative for your anxiety.

Hang in there, don't look too far ahead and just take it one day at a time.

Soberpotamus

This sounds like a sensible, smart plan. I think you're doing well. Seems you panic and start over-thinking things sometimes and it sends you into an emotional tailspin.

Try and take one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Trust that you are headed in the right direction.

I found that small steps and action is what helped me, not my overanalyzing. You've got this.

Serenidad

I DID drink again Dee! Last night. That's the sad part. :-(

Serenidad

Honestly...no...I have been afraid to tell him I started drinking again. I plan to schedule a doctor appt with him tomorrow. (Call and get it scheduled tomorrow). I've been afraid to let him down. I saw him last spring and he was like "you are doing soooo well! I'm so proud of you!" I couldn't get the courage to say "NO I'M NOT! I'm drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes all while on Klonopin!" I know...I know...it's the secrets that kill us! I'm ready to be 100% honest with everyone!

Serenidad

I'm not really doing FINE. I drank last night. I'm doing horrible. Thanks for the love though. I'm not giving up!

OklaBH

hugs sweetheart! big hug! i never heeded any warnings to what i was doing to myself but let me to tell you...from experience...DO NOT MIX BENZOS WITH ALCOHOL.... i cant quite remember what all happened to me, but it was bad. so was the 4 thousand dollar (my part after insurance) hospital bill. please tell your doctor. he really needs to know. Proud of you for your honesty

biminiblue

ooooh.

You have to get 100% honest with yourself, Serenidad. Start with getting off something as soon as possible. The alcohol is causing all this. I would start there.

Serenidad

I will tell my doc. Were you on a benzo?

Serenidad

I think my post was me being 100% honest. Thanks for your post! Thx for your support! I need LOTS right now!

Fandy

you are not to worry about "pleasing" your doctor to receive praise.

If he/she doesn't know the truth they cannot HELP YOU.

have you considered an inpatient program, just for a couple of weeks to help you get your footing?

You mention AA all the time, but do you go regularly? You said you drank last night, was that the only time? what cause you to do this. Klonopin is heavy duty, drinking on it can cause interactions that can send you into a medical crisis.

Fandy

you are not to worry about "pleasing" your doctor to receive praise.

If he/she doesn't know the truth they cannot HELP YOU.

have you considered an inpatient program, just for a couple of weeks to help you get your footing?

You mention AA all the time, but do you go regularly? You said you drank last night, was that the only time? what cause you to do this. Klonopin is heavy duty, drinking on it can cause interactions that can send you into a medical crisis.

Carlotta

That might be the key and they might be able to monitor you while they get you off Klonapin safely. Lay it all out on the table with your doctor.