Christopher1

My ad. counsellor told me I don't have any boundaries-so I (eventually) thought of some : I will not see my ap if she is drunk/high/stoned/abusive/unconscious.
Doesn't leave much scope really ,thinking about it.....

Nuudawn

I think you got boundaries all figured out Chris...and with a dry sense of humour to boot. Nice.

maia1234

Great Chris. I agree. I want to ask my EAH over for christmas eve. My one condition is no drinking or drugs. Will see if he decides to be in a bar drinking or spending sober time with the family. His choice.

Since its my home, my rules. Will see how they work. Good luck with your boundaries.

lillamy

Boundaries are difficult, and many of us codies don't have any. Or we wouldn't be where we are. I think starting with "I won't spend time with you when you're drunk/high" is a good one -- if you can determine when she's drunk/high.

AnvilheadII

or maybe: I will not be in a relationship with someone who actively uses and/or abuses me.

Christopher1

e I can usually tell if she has used/drank something but I take your point amy because she has left voicemails before sounding perfectly fine, but by the time I have arrived there she has been anything but-and I have stayed.
I really want to think that if I'm in a similar situation again I would walk out rather than feel I was supposed to stay and tolerate whatever happens.
I have thought through what I could do but thinking it and doing it may not neccesarily follow,I know.

LexieCat

Yeah, just look at all the TIME you'll have on your hands!

Just FYI, boundaries are a good thing to have across the board, not just when dealing with the alcoholic/addict. I lot of us F/F tend to be overly solicitous and concerned about other people's wants, needs, and feelings, and don't take good enough care of our own. Boundaries keep us from being doormats or punching bags for other people, period.

Christopher1

Thanks Anvil-there is of course a difference between not doing it and just doing it in a different way-but still doing it,yes.

Christopher1

Or it could be that I'm using humour because she is drinking herself to death ,sounds quite demented and I don't know how to cope with it -that probably means I'm not better-just scared.Sorry.

LexieCat

Christopher, it takes TIME to get better. You've made a great start.

And yes, it's very sad to see people we care(d) about killing themselves with alcohol. It is a horrible way to die, and it can take a very long time. That's about where my second husband was at when I left him.

The thing is, there was NOTHING I could do to stop him. His sister called me and screamed at me because he was drinking himself to death. That very day I had dropped off a bag of groceries on his front step (I think that was the last thing I ever did FOR him). He refused to answer the door because he was drunk.

I was forced to accept the unhappy fact that he was beyond my help. I left him. I sleep well at night. I know I was as kind to him as I could be, inflicted no harm beyond leaving him to his addiction (which I was powerless to stop). I was fair to him in the divorce. For a few years he would call me every few months, always drunk. I would listen politely for less than five minutes, tell him to take care of himself, and hang up.

I still say a prayer for him every now and then. How he is still alive is beyond me, but maybe there's a reason for it. That's beyond me, too.

Christopher1

Thank you.I don't know how you coped with it.

JansSushiBar

Yeah, that's the stickler right there. People who aren't involved with an alcoholic don't understand, but you can't always tell when they're drunk/stoned - and with mine it's often both. He hides his vodka so I can't tell how much he's drinking, so I've just gotten to the point where I just assume if he's got a drink in his hand (he's fond of apple cider, iced tea and grapefruit juice - and it's eggnog season) that there's booze in it. It's harder for him to hide the pot, but both are pretty constant and these days his non-sobriety is just a matter of degree.

ardy

I am a Lady Clown a Mom a Blue Star a Standing Secuirty Guard Boundries What the F--- is that ... please play this and enjoy.. for its the Holidays and this man was so funny.. and gave us so much.. now Play it Loudly and Stand in your room and Chat with Heart the Comedy of Robin Williams....Pioneers of Television PBS - Robin Williams Remembered - YouTube

SoloMio

In my case, I think AH's drinking is actually making me healthier! I recently set an "I won't be around if he's drinking" boundary, which led me to a few yoga classes I wasn't planning on attending--until he came home drunk!

Christopher1

:

so this is what love feels like:think I probably got it wrong somewhere along the line.

53500

This is so hard because it isn't (or wasn't) bad all the time. There are the remembered, or maybe even current good times that pull us all back in. "He/she can be so wonderful, sweet, fun, supportive, passionate. I remember that person and want him/her back!"

I think everyone who comes to this forum has started to question if putting up with the bad for the hope of the good is worth it.

latnem

Thank you for this thread i think a lot of what is written here is what I have been needing today.

thotful

I only learned about boundaries only a few years ago...by my counselor. It felt like a nightmare to consider setting boundaries. I had let people run me ragged without complaint for so long, I was afraid to start. I was afraid to lose people.

But, in the end, I matter too. I have to figure out what works for me and what doesn't.

I once thought that I would deal with tons of stuff, but I am super protective of others. What I had to do to somehow figure out a way to include "ME" in the whole being protective thing. To think of my needs too. It's still hard, but I'm getting better at it.