mysonismyhero

This is my first post here. My wife has been sober for 7 years now. While I'm so proud of her for who she is today, I just recently started to dwell on the
past. Here's a little background. We have dated on and off again since high school. Even back then, I saw signs of drinking problems. When we drank, she
just wouldn't stop and would get out of control. She became close with my dad and sister, and she became part of my family. We moved in together shortly
after high school. There were so many signs that she was spiraling out of control. I never drank much, so she would go out occasionally with a close
friend. Some nights, I'm not sure how she found her way home because she was so drunk. I would hear rumors from time to time that she was out cheating on
me. When confronted, she would always deny it and come back with tons of excuses. Instead of following my gut, we continued dating. She grew closer with
my family. Sometimes when I talked to my family about her drinking, they would only affirm how much they loved her. Looking back on it, I don't know if I
was completely honest with them just how bad it was at times living with her. I just started my career. So, I focused primarily on that. We had great times
for the most part, and I considered her my best friend...when she was sober. We got married in 2006. Within 2 months, my wife's father past away. She
really looked up to her father, and he also had sever alcohol dependency issues. My wife really hit rock bottom when her father passed away. I would spend
almost every night driving around town trying to find her. I felt like I was the only one that could or would protect her. She was a blackout drinker. When she finally made it home, she claimed she couldn't remember what she did. At that point, I knew our marriage was over, but I supported her for another year making sure she was safe. Then I caught her red handed cheating on me. After refusing to start alcoholism recovery, I finally had the courage to kick her out. Within 2 months, she started counselling and attending AA and has been sober ever since.

We were separated for almost 1.5 years with no contact. Then, slowly somehow we reconnected. I saw how much effort she put into her sobriety. She told me
the infidelities would have never happened if she wasn't an alcoholic. There was still love there even after all of the struggles, so we rebuilt our
relationship. A year later, we bought a house and officially restarted our lives together. A few years later, we have a 3 year old son and a newborn. We
were so happy and grateful for the new start. I'm not sure what happened, but about 1 month ago, my brain started spinning, and I started to think about our
past struggles. Mainly, I started asking myself why I stayed in the relationship? From very early on, I surely should have seen a difficult road ahead with
this girl. I always told myself I needed to stay with her, 1. because I loved her, but 2. because I was her protector. No one else stepped up to the plate
to help her or me. But everything always looks a little different in hindsight. Now I'm looking within myself for answers as to why I took on this battle
instead of leaving early on. I became so numb I think that I stopped feeling all of the pain. I became so insecure and afraid of being alone. I gave up on
love. My wife did suggest while she was in early recovery that I should seek help too. I always said that I was the strong one in the relationship, and
that I was ok. Now, I know how severely wrong I was. I feel my wife and children and everything we have rebuilt is now in jeopardy. I know I need to let
go of the past and live in the present. Since she's been sober, she has really done nothing wrong and has been a great role model for others in need.

I thought I forgave her, and for the most part I have. I just feel that I didn't really get any closure because I don't know the extent of the betrayals. And now I'm beginning to realize that I haven't forgave myself. I feel like I sacrificed almost a
decade of my life in an uncommitted relationship. I regret the opportunities that I missed out on. We have so much good in our lives now, and I feel so
guilty for living in the past for these last few weeks. I realize how much my wife has grown, but I can't help but wonder why I stuck around and allowed her
to steal so much of my life. I love her yes. She is a great mother to our children. I don't know what to do. This is the last place I wanted to be. Back with her...now with 2 kids...and unhappy again. I thought our struggles were behind us. Seeking advise or encouragement here.

Hope7726

It sounds like you absolutely need Al-Anon. The 12 steps help you overcome all of the feelings you describe.

CodeJob

Hi Myson and welcome to SR.

My AH went through a stage like this around our 17th year of marriage. He was comparing our relationship to a marriage he had seen grow out of a high school romance. This couple just seemed to flourish. He started to wonder what would our marriage look like if we had gotten together sooner. Then he started ruminating over at what point were we an official couple. This got him thinking and he recalled I had several other males in my life in the beginning of our relationship. So then I was being accused of cheating before we were even fully committed to one another AND 19 years after the fact. It was craziness. We had several blow outs and silent treatment sessions over it. Of course my H was drinking and not making sense at all. This whole questioning of crap so far under the bridge was very hurtful to me and made me extremely defensive. There was no way to argue over the past without sounding guilty. To this day my best guess is he has guilt over something on his own side of the street which caused him to witch hunt and blameshift.

Most ironically that perfect couple got DIVORCED over an affair soon after this whole blow up....

So you are hung up on your past. Go see a counselor ASAP. Talk it out. You are the one who chose to stay in the past and you are the one with a good life now.

meggem

It's ok to be angry. It's ok to have feelings. Try not to panic. It sounds like you are panicking.. Definitely go to Alanon or go to counseling.

yes the past is the past, but it sounds like you haven't dealt with your feelings because you (we) are so busy dealing with their feelings.

I've been there, I am there. I get it. I may not have the answers for you but I do understand.

I hate to say this because I'm not sure how you are going to take this, but your story sounds kind of nice......not the bad parts..

mysonismyhero

Thanks. I just scheduled a counseling appointment. Hopefully I can get some relief soon.

mysonismyhero

I should mention that we did try marriage counseling during her early recovery. The counselor kind of put some of the blame on me. I got upset and left. Hopefully one on one counseling will work better for me.

LexieCat

Sounds to me like Al-Anon might be just the ticket. Those old resentments can be a killer. If they don't get resolved they can destroy the good stuff you have in your life right now--or at the very least (as you are experiencing right now) your enjoyment of them.

Welcome, glad you're here.

lillamy

Fear not. A lot of us have been there. Not in exactly the same situation, but in that place where you realize "well crap -- I thought she was the one with the problems. Now she's OK -- why am I feeling like this?"

Alcoholism makes people crazy. It makes alcoholics crazy, it makes people who love them crazy. Trust me. I've been crazier than a crazy person who's really crazy.

I really like this:
because I can relate to it.

My story -- in short -- is that I'm divorced from the father of my children, an abusive alcoholic. When I left him, I had been in Al-Anon for four years. Still, some part of me thought that "if I only leave the alcoholic, everything will be fine." It wasn't. Just like for you.

Now, I'm dealing with the fallout in my children, who grew up with an abusive alcoholic for a father. And all these years later, I finally realized what you're already seeing: I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive myself for not leaving earlier, for putting up with abuse, for wasting all those years of my life. I have to forgive myself.

I don't know how you do that. But I'm working on it. Therapy is great -- and the therapist who put blame on you for your wife's drinking back then? I'd like to slap him/her. It's never your fault that an alcoholic drinks. It's what they do. I don't think you'll get any of that from an therapist now, when you come there for individual therapy.

I also think Al-Anon might be good, weird as it might seem given that your wife is sober. But here's why: When I was married to an A, I learned so many unhealthy ways of coping -- in behavior, in thinking, in stuffing my feelings away, etc. I needed to unlearn those, and Al-Anon is a great place for that.

I'm sorry you're feeling miserable. But trust me, it's not a joke when they say "admitting you have a problem is the first step" -- that's true for alcoholics AND the people who love them.

Kboys

I'm new here too, so don't have much to offer, but I relate to much of your story. I have two young children too, and an AH who is not drinking now, although for a much shorter period than your AW. He cheated also, and I definitely relate to this:

"I thought I forgave her, and for the most part I have. I just feel that I didn't really get any closure because I don't know the extent of the betrayals. And now I'm beginning to realize that I haven't forgave myself."

For me, knowing about the cheating, but also knowing there is a lot that I don't know, you know, makes it really difficult for me to even begin to get past it.

And forgiving myself for all I've allowed him to put me through, that's rough...

It's good you're here. SR has been a blessing for me.

CodeJob

Hello myson,

I do hope the counselor is a good match for you! Glad you are giving it a try.

Trying Al Anon might help too!

LifeRecovery

Dear My-

Her actions might have been in the past, but your feelings are not.

One of the best things I have learned and absorbed in recovery is that I matter, my feelings matter and if I don't allow myself to feel my feelings in the moment then they are with me a lot longer.

Just like the alcohol my loved one drank those stuffed feelings ferment, boil and become bigger stuffed inside.

Counseling helped me immensely (both individual and marriage when I was ready for that). I also found Al-anon really helpful with both affair recovery and loving a person with alcohol concerns.

Recovery is the gift we give to ourselves. I am so glad you are doing that, this can get better.