Mom died, wanted me to take carefof dad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Columbia sc
Posts: 1
Mom died, wanted me to take carefof dad
I'm not sure where to even start....I'm 40 years old and has been by myself for the last 12 years...my mom died and wanted me to watch over dad. He's since become.a full fledged alcoholic. he drives me crazy and my 12 year old son crazy.... He's an awesome man so wr, but an absolute nightmare when he drinks. I feel Completely alone and not sure what to do...I know he'll die without me here...but I'm so tired of his crap drinking...I feel so alone
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((sthrnchik) - Welcome to SR, though so sorry for what has brought you here.
So very soory about your mom dying and the pressure put on you for your dad's well being.
I truly hope yo read around here, as many have been in a similar position to yours. Your responsibility is to yourself and your son. Yes, you may love your dad, but you cannot change, cure him or change him (the 3 C's of codependency).
Please keep reading and posting. This is a lot for you to bear, but we are here for you, in whatever way we can be.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
So very soory about your mom dying and the pressure put on you for your dad's well being.
I truly hope yo read around here, as many have been in a similar position to yours. Your responsibility is to yourself and your son. Yes, you may love your dad, but you cannot change, cure him or change him (the 3 C's of codependency).
Please keep reading and posting. This is a lot for you to bear, but we are here for you, in whatever way we can be.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,916
I'm so sorry, sthrnchik. I can understand wanting to fulfill you mom's dying wish, but maybe it's just not feasible? Is your dad disabled in any way other than his alcoholism?
As much as I know you want to help your dad, you do have a 12 year old son to consider. He must always come first because you are all he has. He doesn't get to choose, so making sure he is well taken care of must take priority.
As much as I know you want to help your dad, you do have a 12 year old son to consider. He must always come first because you are all he has. He doesn't get to choose, so making sure he is well taken care of must take priority.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm very sorry about your mom and I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
I'm sure your mom had no idea what was to come with your dad. Coping with death is hard and for alcoholics with no cooing skills except the bottle, it's worse.
Are there al-anon meetings in your area? You would find support there with others who are also dealing with alcoholics. keep posting here and read through the posts.
Taking care of yourself and your child has to come first as the others have said. Learning to set some boundaries with your dad will also help.
Does he live with you? Has he always drank but now it's worse since your mom died?
I'm sure your mom had no idea what was to come with your dad. Coping with death is hard and for alcoholics with no cooing skills except the bottle, it's worse.
Are there al-anon meetings in your area? You would find support there with others who are also dealing with alcoholics. keep posting here and read through the posts.
Taking care of yourself and your child has to come first as the others have said. Learning to set some boundaries with your dad will also help.
Does he live with you? Has he always drank but now it's worse since your mom died?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi chik, you have no power to stop him drinking, but you do have the right and the duty to make a liveable environment for your son, and of course yourself. You can set behaviour standards that you expect of him.
Have you considered sitting him down sober (only sober) and discussing your concerns with him? I'm sure it won't sober him up, but it will put him on notice that you expect normal human behaviour. Why do you think he'll die without you there? Sometimes people surprise you, and sometimes they make their own decisions about how they approach life. We would love them to do the healthy thing, but it has to be their decision.
Have you considered sitting him down sober (only sober) and discussing your concerns with him? I'm sure it won't sober him up, but it will put him on notice that you expect normal human behaviour. Why do you think he'll die without you there? Sometimes people surprise you, and sometimes they make their own decisions about how they approach life. We would love them to do the healthy thing, but it has to be their decision.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
My grandmother asked the same thing of me and I spent twenty years or so
dealing with a downward spiral of an alcoholic mother.
I ended up becoming an alcoholic myself and nearly destroyed my health and marriage.
I suggest, especially since there is a young child involved, that you not
become a caretaker to an alcoholic parent.
That doesn't mean don't love him, it means allow your dad to choose his own life
and you choose yours. What you choose isn't just for you but your child--growing
up with an alcoholic family member can be very damaging especially if they are
abusive in any way during their drunk times.
I'm so sorry you've are going through this.
dealing with a downward spiral of an alcoholic mother.
I ended up becoming an alcoholic myself and nearly destroyed my health and marriage.
I suggest, especially since there is a young child involved, that you not
become a caretaker to an alcoholic parent.
That doesn't mean don't love him, it means allow your dad to choose his own life
and you choose yours. What you choose isn't just for you but your child--growing
up with an alcoholic family member can be very damaging especially if they are
abusive in any way during their drunk times.
I'm so sorry you've are going through this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When your mom asked you to "watch over" your dad, I'm sure she did not want to doom you and your 12-year-old son to a life of misery trying to protect someone over whom you have no control. No parent wants that for his/her children.
Your dad is an adult. He has the right to live as he chooses, but he does not have the right to ruin yours. You can tell him that you will support any efforts he wants to make toward recovery, but that you and your son will not be in his company when he drinks.
It sounds as if he lives in your home. Does he have a job? Income? If not, there are social service agencies that may be able to find him a place to live.
You don't need to continue to be held hostage by his disease.
Your dad is an adult. He has the right to live as he chooses, but he does not have the right to ruin yours. You can tell him that you will support any efforts he wants to make toward recovery, but that you and your son will not be in his company when he drinks.
It sounds as if he lives in your home. Does he have a job? Income? If not, there are social service agencies that may be able to find him a place to live.
You don't need to continue to be held hostage by his disease.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
I totally agree with the advice given by Hawk.
I myself have been sober for 8 months, and being around an alcoholic was NO GOOD for me or my 13 year
old boy (In Dec
)
I got out, I had to for the sake or myself and son
It is so so so so hard. I still wake up everyday saying the same thing to myself. "Will he make it without me" ? My reply is "Will I make it with him" ?
The answer to that question was no and still is.
I will never wish bad for him, I just can't help.
I myself have been sober for 8 months, and being around an alcoholic was NO GOOD for me or my 13 year
old boy (In Dec
)I got out, I had to for the sake or myself and son
It is so so so so hard. I still wake up everyday saying the same thing to myself. "Will he make it without me" ? My reply is "Will I make it with him" ?
The answer to that question was no and still is.
I will never wish bad for him, I just can't help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I am so sorry...I was enmeshed with my alcoholic mom and I felt that Dad, who was ill his last 11 years expected me to take care of her...and I did a lot of caretaking his last 11 years to 'help' him and her...and with her...when he could not.
She wanted others to do so and it ended up causing me a medical diagnosis of trauma...but I am so glad I worked through it...was not as aware as you are at the time...and I just knew I had to work on me...and I continue to do so.
Your son has a chance and you can make it real for him as his mother.
She wanted others to do so and it ended up causing me a medical diagnosis of trauma...but I am so glad I worked through it...was not as aware as you are at the time...and I just knew I had to work on me...and I continue to do so.
Your son has a chance and you can make it real for him as his mother.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
strnchick....sometimes, people will make a request (at the time) that is is not possible to carry out. I think you may have to look at this in a different context..a different perspective.
Even if your mother were here, herself...she would'nt be able to do the IMPOSSIBLE....any more than you can! No doubt..she fantasized, that, the most perfect outcome would happen. You can't blame her for this desire--and, she probably wasn't realizing that she was asking you to do the impossible. If she did--she would realize how unfair it was to put that burden on your shoulders...and saddle you with chronic guilt..because of an ill-concieved promise.
She would have done better..and, been more fair to ask you: "Do the best you can for Dad".
That you could have done...and, have done. That is all any himan can do--the best they can.
You haven't deserted your dad---it doesn't sound like you have stopped l oving him.
He is lucky to have a daughter who still loves h im and wants the best for him.
Sometimes, we have done all we can and have to accept the hard truth that we have to love at a distance and let God (the universe) handle the rest.
You did not lie to your mother. Try to eventually forgive her for makeing an unrealistic request. Release yourself from trying to live uop to what she did not understand at the time.
You don't deserve to carry a millstone of guilt around your neck for the rest of your days.
dandylion
Even if your mother were here, herself...she would'nt be able to do the IMPOSSIBLE....any more than you can! No doubt..she fantasized, that, the most perfect outcome would happen. You can't blame her for this desire--and, she probably wasn't realizing that she was asking you to do the impossible. If she did--she would realize how unfair it was to put that burden on your shoulders...and saddle you with chronic guilt..because of an ill-concieved promise.
She would have done better..and, been more fair to ask you: "Do the best you can for Dad".
That you could have done...and, have done. That is all any himan can do--the best they can.
You haven't deserted your dad---it doesn't sound like you have stopped l oving him.
He is lucky to have a daughter who still loves h im and wants the best for him.
Sometimes, we have done all we can and have to accept the hard truth that we have to love at a distance and let God (the universe) handle the rest.
You did not lie to your mother. Try to eventually forgive her for makeing an unrealistic request. Release yourself from trying to live uop to what she did not understand at the time.
You don't deserve to carry a millstone of guilt around your neck for the rest of your days.
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
strnchick...I want to add this one more thing....I don't know if you follow any traditional religion or if you have any kind of spiritual leader. If you do...I would suggest that you think of consulting with them to discuss this matter. This might help you to arrive at an inner peace with this.
dandylion
dandylion
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