TryingToLearn

I know you can't have much sympathy for someone who doesn't leave and I know what I need to do but haven't gotten there yet. I think the hardest part for me is not being able to discuss the problem and lay it out there in an open fashion. I hate the thought of being sneaky.

Yesterday, I mentioned in passing how much I enjoyed our home and he immediately told me I'm a f---- idiot and the only thought I should have in my f-- head is selling the place.

So he gets so angry, I'm not able to have an opinion.

I know this is wrong.

My friend told me he's never going to listen so I have to pull the plug the best way I know how. Trying to get the nerve to do it.

Thanks for listening.

Refiner

TTL, you've been taking Baby steps for over a couple of months now and setting money aside, right? Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel for yourself yet? Do you have a plan? NO ONE deserves to be mentally abused as he does to you... and over NOTHING. He is just HATEFUL. You deserve so much better! Wnat is your plan? We're here for you.

TryingToLearn

I have a plan but I'm having trouble implementing it because it involves sneaking away and doing it with an attorney handling it. I haven't been able to get my courage up to do that as I'd much rather just sit down and talk it out but every time I open my mouth about anything I get told I'm a f-- idiot so I'm silent. My conscience is wrestling with itself.

ResignedToWait

On the contrary...most everyone here has the utmost sympathy for that! No where else would you be able to find this amount of people that know exactly what you're going through!

(((hugs))

TryingToLearn

Thank you. I know people can see what needs to be done and I do as well but it's really hard taking that final leap.

Refiner

I would be careful of "trying to talk to him about it" approach. I'm sorry if I've forgotten, but has he ever been violent with you? Or is he just a hateful, disrespectful @$$? I would lawyer up and have that in the bag when you're ready to go. And if you do try and "talk to him", have someone there with you. Do you have someone like that you can trust?

ladyscribbler

If you could have a rational discussion with him, this wouldn't be happening. I held onto my desire to talk things out with my ex for a long time. I wanted that validation and I feared his reaction if I just left, the inevitable explosion of rage.
If it was possible to sit down and work this out like two adults, you wouldn't be contemplating leaving him.
It helped me to realize that I wasn't betraying my ex, or walking out on him or abandoning him or any of the other stuff he used to rant about. I was protecting myself and my kids. If he wanted to change his behavior he would have, but he had no reason to. What he was doing worked for him. I was the one who had a problem with it.
Hugs. You're getting stronger. Be careful. When my ex felt me getting stronger he used to work overtime to try to drag me back down. Take care.

dandylion

TryingToLearn....I knew of a woman who went to the rectory of her church and was allowed to use an empty office to make her arrangements. It was the only place that he approved of and wasn't suspicious of! He didn't go to church, himself. She said that she was trying to become a "better" woman and wife.
She was able to use computer---make phone calls...meet lawyer and dv counselor there, etc.
She said that she felt "safe" as long as she was inside the church.

dandylion

WMJ1012

He's just expressing himself.

Himself.

LexieCat

One of the VERY BEST things about having a lawyer is that the lawyer can do whatever communication is necessary. There isn't anything sneaky about it. He gets served with papers, everything is right there in writing.

If you sat down with him, do you think he'd say, "You're right, honey, it's been awful for you and I'm going to make this as easy for you as I can"? He will NEVER do that, and all you will get for your effort (if you're lucky) is more nastiness and verbal abuse. IOW, you aren't going to make it EASIER or BETTER for either one of you if you try to have a heart-to-heart about it.

Yes, the final leap is hard, but it can also be a relief to put things in motion. WHEN you're ready to.

FireSprite

No doubt it's hard to commit to that big step. It sounds like living with him is hard too though, right? Having a plan in place & working toward that goal is the best thing you can do for yourself.

You can do it, I know you can!

When you're ready.... you will.

Rachinator

I know it sucks. But get a plan together. It won't get better. Make sure you have an exit strategy and someone you trust. You might want to talk to some women's shelters to see if there are any resources available to you. Good luck and hugs

TryingToLearn

Thank you one and all. I need a push for sure. And you've all been a tremendous help.