Reaching Out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Freedom,WI
Posts: 1
Reaching Out
Hi...my husband has been sober for 3 years but still seems to be white knuckling. He would probably still be drinking had he not got a drunk driving and lost his long time job. Did the court ordered counseling sessions, seemed to find comfort in it and worked really hard. Once completed he has not yet gone to an AA meeting , not discussed his disease with anyone but me. As our young son reaches his teen years he is already displaying some risky behavior, has been caught smoking pot and has tried alcohol twice by himself. This realization hit me hard and brought all that festering resentment to the surface. My son didn't even know his Dad was an alcoholic, or that there was any strife in our marriage (that's how good I was at my role in all this) I held it all in and never spoke a negative word about Daddy, just let the think he was always at work or just so exhausted because he worked so hard all the time (which he did).
My sons group of friends all have very close relationships with their fathers, bonding over hunting, fishing and sports. As he hit adolescence he started gravitating towards new friends, other boys who weren't so busy with their Dads. I'm pretty in tune with things so it's hard to get much past me. In a discussion about his risky behavior it was clear he got empty about something but wasn't quite sure how to describe it. I gave him the words, "I think you are missing your Dad" and it just broke him, and me.
This segued into the truth of the matter, and so now he has the words to try and get his brain around. Daddy is an alcoholic. I need to find him an outlet, there does not seem to be much going on for
alateen in our area. Also, we are not religious people and are uncomfortable in settings where scripture is the path. I truly think my son would do best in a relatable group than private counseling. Any input would be valued.
My sons group of friends all have very close relationships with their fathers, bonding over hunting, fishing and sports. As he hit adolescence he started gravitating towards new friends, other boys who weren't so busy with their Dads. I'm pretty in tune with things so it's hard to get much past me. In a discussion about his risky behavior it was clear he got empty about something but wasn't quite sure how to describe it. I gave him the words, "I think you are missing your Dad" and it just broke him, and me.
This segued into the truth of the matter, and so now he has the words to try and get his brain around. Daddy is an alcoholic. I need to find him an outlet, there does not seem to be much going on for
alateen in our area. Also, we are not religious people and are uncomfortable in settings where scripture is the path. I truly think my son would do best in a relatable group than private counseling. Any input would be valued.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
I'm so sorry for the pain that you and your son are experiencing. You sound like a great mom--kudos to you for recognizing that your son needs some additional support. You may want to check out the Family and Friends forum on this site. There are many people there who can relate to what you are dealing with and offer advice. Good luck.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Stonebox.
There's always group therapy for adolescence where they can talk about their concerns in a safe place. It's worked wonders for a lot of people.
I have a bias here but, if he's interested, taking up a traditional style of martial arts may be helpful. Among the more currently popular styles is Shotokan Karate, which I'm currently studying.
By "traditional" I mean a style that has a formidable history and that emphasizes the spiritual aspects of the art. The sensei/teacher and the dojo/school should emphasize development of character, respect for others, integrity, honesty, humility, living a full life, and avoiding violent behavior (you never actually fight unless you have to), so you'll need to do some research. It can also teach your son the value of working through a process over time to achieve realistic goals, as well as discipline, confidence, decisiveness, clarity of thought, and physical and emotional well-being, and he'll generally be among people who are working towards similar goals. Weight loss/control, building muscles and improving overall health are also available. Over time, the training helps to develop a mature understanding of life and a well-earned mastery of adversity.
Avoid karate factories like Tiger Schulmann and dojos that advertise rapid promotion, like granting a black belt in a year (usually so the students or their parents will be motivated to continue to pay for their lessons). I've been training for over twenty years in two different styles. It took me several years of continuous training to earn my first black belt in Shorin Ryu, and I'm currently working toward my second in Shotokan.
There are, of course, other activities such as sports, running, cycling, that offer a great deal to emotional and physical well-being. The physical and emotional benefits of continuous and committed exercise (including managing things like anxiety and depression) have been well documented here and elsewhere, and this may be a good place to start.
There's always group therapy for adolescence where they can talk about their concerns in a safe place. It's worked wonders for a lot of people.
I have a bias here but, if he's interested, taking up a traditional style of martial arts may be helpful. Among the more currently popular styles is Shotokan Karate, which I'm currently studying.
By "traditional" I mean a style that has a formidable history and that emphasizes the spiritual aspects of the art. The sensei/teacher and the dojo/school should emphasize development of character, respect for others, integrity, honesty, humility, living a full life, and avoiding violent behavior (you never actually fight unless you have to), so you'll need to do some research. It can also teach your son the value of working through a process over time to achieve realistic goals, as well as discipline, confidence, decisiveness, clarity of thought, and physical and emotional well-being, and he'll generally be among people who are working towards similar goals. Weight loss/control, building muscles and improving overall health are also available. Over time, the training helps to develop a mature understanding of life and a well-earned mastery of adversity.
Avoid karate factories like Tiger Schulmann and dojos that advertise rapid promotion, like granting a black belt in a year (usually so the students or their parents will be motivated to continue to pay for their lessons). I've been training for over twenty years in two different styles. It took me several years of continuous training to earn my first black belt in Shorin Ryu, and I'm currently working toward my second in Shotokan.
There are, of course, other activities such as sports, running, cycling, that offer a great deal to emotional and physical well-being. The physical and emotional benefits of continuous and committed exercise (including managing things like anxiety and depression) have been well documented here and elsewhere, and this may be a good place to start.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I would suggest that you go to an al-anon meeting and present your situation to the folks there. See if they have some suggestions.
Perhaps your area should start an alateen meeting that your son could be part of.
Perhaps your area should start an alateen meeting that your son could be part of.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome SB! 
I'm sorry for your situation. Take a look at our friends and family forum for relatives and friends of alcoholics. Lots of good advice there from people who understand.
I'm sorry for your situation. Take a look at our friends and family forum for relatives and friends of alcoholics. Lots of good advice there from people who understand. 
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-wisconsin
Teen & Youth Addiction Recovery Support Program
i hope this helps additionally try us right here Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
or
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Teen & Youth Addiction Recovery Support Program
i hope this helps additionally try us right here Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
or
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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