Alcoholic Boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Chippewa Falls
Posts: 1
Alcoholic Boyfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2-1/2 years. We love each other very much and can't imagine life without the other. However, he is an alcoholic, is unable to not drink for more than a day or two and refuses to go to AA, detox or even see a therapist or counselor. He says he can just quit drinking on his own "starting now."
He had some pretty traumatic things happen to him when he was a child and I think he needs to resolve or work on these issues with a trained professional. He refuses to, he says talking to me about them is good enough. I disagree, I am not a trained professional psychiatrist.
I think this is going to break us up soon. I just haven't been able to get through to him. I know he is still drinking and hiding it from me, which isn't that hard to do because I work 3rd shift and go to school full time in the evenings and he works regular daytime hours (construction).
I'm just feeling so defeated. I don't know what else to do. I would appreciate any suggestions.
He had some pretty traumatic things happen to him when he was a child and I think he needs to resolve or work on these issues with a trained professional. He refuses to, he says talking to me about them is good enough. I disagree, I am not a trained professional psychiatrist.
I think this is going to break us up soon. I just haven't been able to get through to him. I know he is still drinking and hiding it from me, which isn't that hard to do because I work 3rd shift and go to school full time in the evenings and he works regular daytime hours (construction).
I'm just feeling so defeated. I don't know what else to do. I would appreciate any suggestions.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Mercani, and welcome!
I don't know whether he needs a therapist or not (and actually, neither do you). He also doesn't necessarily need a trained therapist to stop drinking, if he really wants to do that. Most alcoholics (and I am 6 years sober, myself) do better with some kind of support, if they are to live sober HAPPILY (rather than grimly not-drinking).
The best suggestion I could give you is to find an Al-Anon group nearby. They are specifically for friends and family of alcoholics. They won't help your b/f get sober, but they will help YOU stay sane, whether he decides to choose recovery or not. It was a lifeline for me when I was dealing with the alcoholic in my marriage.
Stick around, you will learn a lot here, too.
I don't know whether he needs a therapist or not (and actually, neither do you). He also doesn't necessarily need a trained therapist to stop drinking, if he really wants to do that. Most alcoholics (and I am 6 years sober, myself) do better with some kind of support, if they are to live sober HAPPILY (rather than grimly not-drinking).
The best suggestion I could give you is to find an Al-Anon group nearby. They are specifically for friends and family of alcoholics. They won't help your b/f get sober, but they will help YOU stay sane, whether he decides to choose recovery or not. It was a lifeline for me when I was dealing with the alcoholic in my marriage.
Stick around, you will learn a lot here, too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Mercani. I can relate to your feeling defeated--but would it help you to know that the battle was never yours to begin with? It is his, and only his.
I hope you can spend some time reading the stories here. I think you'll see bits of your own story in many of them. You are NOT alone, not by a long shot. So many of us have struggled in a fight we can never win.
Make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page; there is a lot of good info and inspiration there. This thread might be useful for you right now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You also might find a lot of help in Alanon. SR and Alanon have been a powerful combination for me in finding my own recovery. Some folks here also recommend Celebrate Recovery.
He is telling you, in no uncertain terms, who he is and what he is about. And that IS who he is, not what you may see as his potential. You certainly don't have to make any decisions right now, but please, do read and post here. Please do look into Alanon. As you learn more, you'll start to see your path more clearly.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I hope you can spend some time reading the stories here. I think you'll see bits of your own story in many of them. You are NOT alone, not by a long shot. So many of us have struggled in a fight we can never win.
Make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page; there is a lot of good info and inspiration there. This thread might be useful for you right now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You also might find a lot of help in Alanon. SR and Alanon have been a powerful combination for me in finding my own recovery. Some folks here also recommend Celebrate Recovery.
He is telling you, in no uncertain terms, who he is and what he is about. And that IS who he is, not what you may see as his potential. You certainly don't have to make any decisions right now, but please, do read and post here. Please do look into Alanon. As you learn more, you'll start to see your path more clearly.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
M- Good for you reaching out for support. I am sorry that you are here. We are all here because we love an addict. There is nothing worse then watching our loved ones self destruct and we can't help at all. Love can not cure alcoholism, as much as we try.
The best thing you can do is NOTHING!! You are very busy and that's the best thing you can do. Don't call him in evenings to hear him slurring his words. Don't look in the garbage for cans. It really doesn't matter. He is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. Don't expect him to promise that he won't drink anymore because he has no control over his drinking. All it does is disappointing you.
Mind your own business, hit an alanon meeting, go to open AA meetings if you have time. Keep reading the stickies on SR and do you homework. Take care of you, as you have NO control over what he does. Once you understand that your life will get a little better, by minding your own business.
Not until he is ready will he seek out recovery. You really don't play any part in his acceptance of his disease.
Good luck, keep reading and reaching out. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
The best thing you can do is NOTHING!! You are very busy and that's the best thing you can do. Don't call him in evenings to hear him slurring his words. Don't look in the garbage for cans. It really doesn't matter. He is an alcoholic and alcoholics drink. Don't expect him to promise that he won't drink anymore because he has no control over his drinking. All it does is disappointing you.
Mind your own business, hit an alanon meeting, go to open AA meetings if you have time. Keep reading the stickies on SR and do you homework. Take care of you, as you have NO control over what he does. Once you understand that your life will get a little better, by minding your own business.
Not until he is ready will he seek out recovery. You really don't play any part in his acceptance of his disease.
Good luck, keep reading and reaching out. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
It is so strange to read your post. It feels very familiar -probably because it is similar to what I am leaving. With some differencies obviously, bf had to stop drinking for health reasons and stayed almost 10 months sober.
I am confused about us because we do love each other but nothing seems to be working the way we want to. And now that he's beginning to drink, he won't be long until he's back into a-bottle-a-day (or more) schedule.
Unfortunately if he doesn't want to help himself there is nothing you can do. I learned that the hard way. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I don't have any advice, but I'll keep reading your post in case I can get some from others
Try to keep your head up !
I am confused about us because we do love each other but nothing seems to be working the way we want to. And now that he's beginning to drink, he won't be long until he's back into a-bottle-a-day (or more) schedule.
Unfortunately if he doesn't want to help himself there is nothing you can do. I learned that the hard way. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I don't have any advice, but I'll keep reading your post in case I can get some from others
Try to keep your head up !
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