Magichappens

When I got to Al-Anon, I knew every move that my husband made. I was so in his business, trying to figure him out, that I had lost myself. It was very hard to get my mind off him and onto me. I really didn't want to look at me. I didn't like me. I was afraid of what I would see. I treated me like dirt. One of the tools that Al-Anon gave me was the Serenity Prayer. When my mind would start focussing on the alcoholic, I would say it over and over in my head. I also said a simple prayer: God remove this obsession. A few minutes later I would realize that I wasn't focussed on it anymore. That might only last a little while, and I would do it again. Eventually, my obsessive thinking receded to an occasional occurence. I was very grateful. Another tool that I gained from Al-Anon was the 12 steps. Working them has brought a lot of personal growth and maturity, which have helped my self esteem and self worth. Reading Al-Anon literature is great for taking my mind off what others are doing or not doing. Using the Al-Anon slogans: Live and let live, How important is it, One day at a time, Easy does it. These are easy to remember and have helped me many times to focus on what is going on with me.
Keeping the focus on me has made me less reliant on others to make me feel ok, and given me healing and wholeness that I have looked for in my life. It has helped me to take care of me the way I have always tried to take care of others. I have realized that I am no true help to anyone, unless my needs are fulfilled, and I am the only one who can make sure that happens. Keeping the focus on me isn't selfish. It is the only way I can become unselfish. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

magic - thank you for this post. it helps put things into perspective. i have tried to do some of these things, little by little. i have not really worked the steps yet, but there are 4 1 hour sessions next month, 1 time a week where they work so many steps a session. i plan to attend and learn more. thx for all your posts - they help so much

cw

Teggie

((((Magic)))) I love absorbing all you say!! Learning to focus on ourselves can be so difficult. I'm trying to learn more every day. My alanon group meeting was kinda different than the ones I had been attending. They didn't focus much on the steps, just shared questions from the forum. I like learning the steps though, maybye this new group has already done that? I would like to recommend that some meetings be devoted to the steps which I feel I really need as a newcomer. Only reading does only so much. Just kinda wondering if this is typical. any thoughts? Hugs, Teggie

DefofLov

I want to learn to focus on myself and release the pain from my past. I also want to learn to take things one day at a time and not hold onto yestersdays mistakes or tomorrow's worries. I hope to work on it really hard from now on. Your post was encouraging as always.

(((((magic happens)))))

Magichappens

In my group, we do one step meeting a month. It works out great, since there are 12 months. We also have one meeting a month on a tradition. It is a great learning tool. Getting a sponsor who has worked the steps is great too. Some of the steps took me a while to get comfortable enough to move on. I read as much literature as I could on them, and I keep a journal. It helps me to get my thoughts together and develope understanding. Keep working. We don't get there in big giant leaps. We get there by taking those baby steps. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

magic - what kinds of things do you record in your journal - don't need to get specific. is is how you are feeling at a particular moment? just have heard so many say that they keep journals and i have not ever done anything like this before but may find it beneficial. thx chris

Magichappens

I write everything. I like to write at the end of the day. Sometimes I just write about my day (highlights), sometimes about one incident that I had to deal with and how I dealt with it. That helps me to recognize where I am growing and where I need growth. Sometimes I write about things I am struggling with, like letting go, obsessive thinking, spirituality. It took me 5 months to do my 4th step(made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourself). That was very educational, and hard. Give it a shot. For me, I sit down thinking I don't have much to write, and a novel comes out sometimes. Let me know how it goes. Hugs, Magic

Gabe

Good topic Magic. For me keeping the focus on myself means recognizing what I own and what I don't own. And believe me, I try to own things that aren't mine all the time. When I really look and see what's mine and what isn't, it becomes easier to get the focus back on me, where it belonged in the first place.

cwohio

magic - thanks for sharing about your journal. i think i will give a try. i appreciate the insight as i haven;t even begun to work the steps yet.

many hugs

chris

TheresaTerry

Good topic, again!

Years back I had been so stressed at times because I was focused on my AH crazy behaviors. Since my husband hides his drinking, I didn't know he was alcoholic at that time. I was thinking obsessively about him trying to figure out how one could act the way he did and be content with it.

What a relief to focus on me. A great burden had been lifted. I was driving myself to insanity while staying so focused on him. It was the realization that my sanity seemed like it could slip at any moment that I knew I needed to change.

To this day it is a fine line I walk especially in the area of our children. I want to know how he's interacting with our children while keeping my focus on myself. The more I focus on me (especially while he's at his worst) the happier I am. I might get disappointed or angry at certain choices he makes but my peace lies in caring how I react, how I behave, how I love others, how I fail others, how I love God.

What a joy to discover that I can have peace despite crazy behaviors of another.

(((((hugs)))))
Terry

JT

Focusing on yourself is such a big thing because we have focused on the chaos for so long. The chaos may still be there but now I am in my tub with a book!

It is a big step toward change, too. I started to notice my own behaviors and reactions when I stopped looking out and started looking in. After all, those are the only things I can change anyway. The amazing thing is when I began to make a few changes, my actions caused a re-action. Nothing was ever completely the same again.

It is quite a process...one thing rolls into the next.

Hugs,
JT