bookmaven

Hi SR people. So, 209 days of sobriety, and someone finally noticed I'm not hanging out at the bar anymore. Or maybe Christmas is coming. I was a great tipper.

When I got off work yesterday I had a message from an old friend who was also my bartender and who I used get high with too that said she feels sad that I don't talk to her any more. I didn't respond, but it's bothering me. I know I have to ignore it, because hanging out with this person led to relapse in the past. I feel guilty for hurting her feelings and I wish I could explain to her what happened, but in the end that will only make things worse.

I am not responsible for her feelings.

tommyinphilly

If she hasn't noticed your absence until now, don't feel bad. Congrats on the 209. That's great.

SoberBeast

I 2nd what Tom said. Great job on 209 days!

PurpleKnight

We need to look after our Sobriety first and foremost!!

6 months to notice you haven't been there is a long time though.

You are not responsible for her thoughts/feelings about you deciding to turn away from a life spent in bars!!

bookmaven

Thanks guys! It's amazing how this dis-ease can trick us. In this instance my AV is telling me lies about hurting peoples feelings. It's so sneaky, it's not even talking about alcohol or pot, just playing on my codependency issues. You know, the one where I have to take care of everybody else, and the other one where I'm in control of what others think and feel.

dcrr

209 days is such an amazing place to be. Congrats, you have done so well so far! Keep it up and don't worry about someone who took so long to notice your absence.

courage2

Don't worry about her -- if she's a bartender, she'll always have some drunk to talk to -- this time, let it not be you! They say, avoid people, places, & things. She sounds like all 3!

Great job on 209 days!

soberlicious

She feels sad? Did she ask about you and how you are doing?

Real friends want what's best for their friends, even if that requires distance.

bookmaven

No, she did not ask how I'm doing.

And I hate it that I'm so addicted that I didn't even notice that until you pointed it out.

Sneaky sneaky AV.

Stevie1

I liked what tommy said.

But that said, why would telling the truth make anything worse? What's wrong with saying "I've quit drinking/using, so I didn't see the point in contacting you"? if that is the truth?

Because just though the reason you're not friends with her has recently emerged, isn't it fair to let her know? You're the one who changed the conditions of her relationship, not her.

Or you can blow her off, but I think that is being less than honest.

soberlicious

Stevie, I understand your point, but the OP said that these type of interactions do not end well for her. I think she is wise to recognize that getting into it with this "friend" can lead to going back and forth and feeling even worse. She doesn't owe anyone an honest explanation. Those types of explanations are hers to give freely as she sees fit, not a blanket obligation across the board.

Anna

I don't see anything to be gained by telling her you've stopped drinking and therefore did not contact her. I would bet that she suspects that, but no point in making her feel bad.

Good for you for recognizing how these things can come out of the blue and for dealing with it well and congratulations on 209 days sober.

Stevie1

Good point, I see both sides.

My default position in life generally is "you cannot ever go wrong by telling the truth and not lying." And in general I will stand by that.

But yeah, lying serves a purpose for sure, at times and unvarnished truth is not always welcome or useful.

heartcore

Yes, it does illustrate something that she didnt ask how you were, & made you somehow responsible for her feelings. Yes, it's part of our growing awareness to notice that & feel it. And maybe she was just a drinking buddy, rather than a friend, & so you have no need to feel any obligation.

I'm with Stevie & others, though, who suggest telling the truth about your absence. You can still set boundaries, by saying that you are committed to surrounding yourself with sober people. What this does is actually leave open the possibility that this person might someday want to get sober herself, or - being a bartender - might have reason to guide someone else who is desperate & miserable toward sobriety (via you).

As people living sober lives, we're actually revolutionaries in our dominant culture & particularly in our drinking/using subculture. Many might disagree with this, or choose not to take on any sense of "obligation" of being powerful models of possibility, but this concept gives me power.

In AA, willingness to make ourselves available to others as people in recovery is an integral tenet of the program.

I don't know this woman or what your relationship felt like to you, but one possible approach is to just be straight up about sobriety. Even if it isn't something you think she'd value, you just never know. She might well surprise you, & at least make efforts to stay connected with you sober.

The beauty of this approach is that it takes all the responsibility off you, keeps your boundaries firm, but leaves room for the tiny possibility that this is a possible friend, rather than just drinking buddy/bartender.

But knowing the history, you may well choose "no contact.". That's fine too, we all have every right to disengage from anyone in our lives that we want to, especially if it feels like the relationship threatens our sobriety. We do not ever have to justify or explain our absence.

Good luck. That's a tough one.

bookmaven

If the relationship was valuable it would be worth saving. If talking to her we're not dangerous to my sobriety I'd have contacted her a long time ago. That's really none of her business anyway, and when she did contact me I felt like I wanted to get high and drink, not necessarily hang out with her. The only reason I ever hung out with her was to drink and acquire drugs. As ashamed as I am to say this, I can not recall a time when we hung out sober. We never did anything outside the bar where she works or where she lived. It was as if that little voice begging for "one last time, come on, it will be fine" which annoyingly I have to deal with every day was suddenly crashing around causing a commotion in my brain.

Thanks everyone for your input. I've thought about everything you said, and this person is no good for me. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Soberwolf

Bookmaven you dont have to hang out with anyone you dont want to this is your sobriety

personally i think your doing the right thing well done on 209 days btw thats freakin awesome well done you

foolsgold66

Fortunately those folks don't have my number. I understand how you feel. I think you're doing the right thing, keep going.