Hammer

In my mind's eye this is a whole lot like my first week at Engineering School.

I had been released early from a US Army Enlistment to go to College and become an Officer. It was done concurrent with College, so you do the College Classes plus the Army Classes, in a program they call Reserve Officer Training Corps. ROTC.

So the Army folks have checklists. One of the Checklist Items was that I had to be "Advised" by the College of Engineering within the University I was attending.

So I walked over to the Department I would be enrolled in. There was some screaming crazy lady at the front desk screaming at the Asians who could not speak good "Enrish." I turned and looked at the other White Guy in the room, and he started talking about how this was like some Star Trek episode.

Ok.

Looking back I have to laugh because I have watched the Metaphor of that front desk in some of the 12 Step Programs.

And then I went down the hall to find the Advising Professor. He looked up from his desk and was annoyed as I told him why I was there.

All he did was look at me over and say -- "I see you have the College Catalog, I see you have the Class Schedule. IF you are 'Engineering Material' you will do fine." He broke his gaze, and went back to what he was doing, and just disregarded that I was standing in front of his desk.

I was sort of surprised, but turned around and left and went back to the ROTC Hall, and told them I had completed my "Advising" process, and we went back to doing Army stuff.

================

In retrospect, I have learned from that Advising Professor.

Same then as now,

You/we have your Group(s), You have Soberrecovery.com -- those are the study hall -- where we work together and ponder things through.

You/we have (or will soon have) our Sponsors -- those are our Guides or Teacher-Assistants.

You/we have professional Therapists, if we choose -- The true Professors of the Industry.

You/we have our Textbooks and Libraries -- The AA Big Book, The Alanon Books, all the other Guidebooks talked about on here.

You/we have our 12 Steps. The real meat and Coursework of the Programs.

You/we have or will grow our Faith in God to Heal our Hearts, Minds and Souls.

Per that Professor -- IF you/we are "Recovery Material" you/we will do fine.

I think you/we are "Recovery Material."

I think you/we will do fine.

HealingWillCome

Brilliant, Hammer, and enormously helpful to me in the present. So thank you.

You've forced me to think about the truth in my own recovery. Which is an answer to prayer, I'm pretty sure, so thanks, God, for that.

Hammer, each piece of the recovery plan you laid out is important. I'm a big-picture, need-to-see-all-of-the-pieces kind of thinker/problem solver. You helped me to run through the checklist and acknowledge the missing pieces.

My recovery has cracked and started to crumble lately. I'm neglecting the Al-Anon, sponsor, 12-step parts right now. I realize I'm scared of them right now. Anyone else ever felt that way?

Dandylion suggested recently that I go back to Al-Anon and I knew she was right, but I've been avoiding it. I've fought my way through the codependent battle as the daughter, wife, and girlfriend of the different alcoholics in my life. It's different this time because now it's my daughter who is struggling. She may not even be headed down the path of alcoholism or addiction, but here I am, terrified that she'll go there. Totally projecting, I know. I see her pain in her struggles with self-love and esteem and I'm absorbing it like its my own.

And so I think I'm afraid of Al-Anon and 12-stepping it right now because I'll have to face myself again. Maybe I thought I had worked my way through that and that I wouldn't ever have to go there again. And some counseling would probably help, too. Haven't done that in a long time either.

This recovery is a hard thing. Just when you think you have it managed...well, you just never know what's in God's plans next, right?

schnappi99

The nice thing about alanon is if you dig in and do the work, it isn't scary. It may well be uncomfortable, but you're just learning about who you already are. If there is bad stuff to recognize and process that is likely to be unpleasant. But the win is you're finally healing those old hurts. Step 4 says "searching and fearless", and it can be... when fear shows up it means its time to go slow and easy to find that hurt and know it.. then the fear can go away.

One thing that has been really wonderful about working the alanon program is, like BillW says, "we stopped fighting anyone and anything"- which includes myself (perhaps first). For me that means the mental landscape is less bruised, emotions are no longer lurid and fixated, the anger and frustration drain away. It is so tiring to be outraged at one thing or another all the time, the relief is something like a fading cramp. Of course I have to keep working those first 3 steps. There must be normies out there who work their equivalent naturally- not me, my mind will trip me up and before I'm aware we're back in the codie races again.

HealingWillCome

So this is it, I think. I felt like I had already done that. Maybe not. I don't know...

I've been caught off guard by my resistance to going back to Al-Anon. Maybe it's denial? Not about my daughter, since I'm not really certain where she's at in her journey. But about myself.

Do codies ever fully recover? Or am I feeling extra codependent because she is my flesh and blood and I have the fierce instinct to protect? Is all of this just a huge trigger?

I see the irony. The very thing I need to do is focus on me and my own recovery plan. I need those Al-Anon and 12-step pieces, but don't want to face them. I want to feel in control...red flag flying high right now.

dandylion

HealingWillCome.....it is hard...really hard...when it is your own flesh and blood.
Loving from a distance may be necessary... and may be the only option---but it is not a natural inclination.

Maybe, just reach for the support and understanding....right now. Jut the human connection part, first. Don't line up a huge mountain in front of you to climb. You know the drill---one day at a time....LOL.
Yes, you are right, a sympathetic and understanding counselor would be a great help for you, just now.

No beating up on yourself.

dandylion

schnappi99

Some say "recovered", some periodically work the steps in order, others just come for the meetings and never do the steps. Everyone in the program chooses how they want to do it, if they want to change or not. For my part I have these codie tendencies that have developed into habits, I think I'm in the "periodic" camp, don't know if it'll be a yearly thing. I grow and change each year so will accordingly have a different perspective, new details are uncovered, previous opinions revised etc.

irisgardens

Thanks Hammer...really a good metaphor for me...back for the third time in a big way...not a coincidence that this is my third daughter in active addiction...and each daughter has been terrible and this one is the worst of all three because I thought I had made progress...but each is different and each brings up deeper stuff.

Thanks for the posts here...always work my program but I am needing to see it in new ways and work it deeper and it is hard.

Back to the beginning.

Hammer

Thanks for the comments back.

Pondered this a little deeper today.

And thought back to the first week -- an Intro to Engineering Week.

They have a classic packed auditorium room. All elbow-to-elbow. And they do the Look to Your Left, Look to Your Right routine.

You all know that one? Goes like this . . . .

"Look to your left. Look to your right. While all three of you may be starting into this program. Only One will successfully complete it."

[Hammer note: (about 1 out of 3). Not unusual for ABET Approved Colleges in Large State schools, I think. Private schools tend to be higher, as they can hand-hold more, and may have more select enrollment.]

But that number turned out about correct. Maybe 1/3 or less of the folks I started with successfully completed it.

I am thinking recovery is about the same. Maybe 1/3. I recall from being Mrs. Hammer's study buddy for her Social Work Grad School (she would sort of "teach" me what she was learning, and if she could successfully tell/teach an engineer (me) about a topic, she knew it well enough to really master it).

While in Engineering we may expect our methods to work 100% of the time, in Human Social issues -- a 1/3 success rate is considered Very Successful, as humans are very diverse, and what works for one, may not work well for another. So Social Workers are encouraged to have diverse methods.

But from what I recall the 1/3 folks that made it through Engineering School -- we all WANTED to be there, and WANTED to make it. And would generally put in whatever work and long hours it may take.

I am thinking Recovery follows the same rules. We have to WANT it.

I do. I WANT it. How about you?

HealingWillCome

So I know your question is meant for everyone here, but I'll share my answer.

Always been a fighter, an over-achiever, a doer. So I certainly can't imagine letting this most important thing slip through the cracks. My username will tell you that. I know I'll get there. I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed and anxious right now. Knowing I need to do the work, knowing I will do the work, but just tired and not looking forward to more hard work. You know?

I think I'm just exhausted in general. Ever feel that way? I think because I'm now 50 and have had full-time, round-the-clock jobs/school/duties since I was 15. Life has yet to slow down. I work 10-12 hour days during the week, another 10 hours on the weekend, and maintain a household alone. Single parenting is hard in many ways, but one of the biggest hardships is not having someone to talk through the difficult stuff with. Been doing that for 15 years now and I think it's just wearing on me. All of it, collectively.

Well, I'm feeling whiny and tired, and should probably go to bed. Thanks for the vent.

But really, thanks for the 'checklist' today. I'm a checklist kind of girl, so it forced me to think and sort some things out.

CodeJob

When I decided to to the 12 steps, there was a commitment to self.

Last night I had a little fire in the fire pit. There is nothing better than being at peace with your own mind and watching the embers glow and ripple. I might have been alone,as usual RAH had an excuse to not be around me in a potential moment of intimacy, but I just
used it as a moment to enjoy that peace of mind. I've worked pretty hard to obtain it.

Then I thanked my HP and enjoyed the lovely fall night. I have faith that whatever happens long term, I will manage to fight for that peace.