First major urge triggered by the alcoholic ex...
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
First major urge triggered by the alcoholic ex...
...so I'm about six weeks sober and today I had my first real urge to drink. I just found out (don't have absolute proof) that my controlling alkie ex is seeing someone new.
I found out just as I was leaving work and on my way home I just felt sick and weak to the knees thinking about it all. Then I had that familiar urge... very primal... like "I need a fricken' drink now" and was almost going to head to the nearest bar. Then I thought, drinking over that douche canoe is the worst excuse for drinking I have ever heard, and I will regret this tomorrow. And I went home.
The story about me and my ex is pretty sad. We met at work. We actually got to talking because he told me he was a recovering alcoholic. I was charmed by his disclosure as he hadn't told anyone else at work (or so he said). He was a vodka drinker and after he started doing it around the clock he ended up having to do a detox in a hospital. He told me he was going to AA at that time but I didn't actually believe him come to think of it.
What do you know, we start dating and he relapses... back then of course I was actively drinking, and then, we were drinking together.
My ex was charming, charismatic, intelligent, very good looking... we had an intense connection. Sadly I found out pretty quickly that he has some major psychological problems and could be very emotionally and verbally abusive. Add to that our mutual proclivity for booze and it was a disaster. We fought constantly. I'm not really the submissive type and when he was a douche I always let him have it and things just started to ramp up to crazy levels. He never hurt me physically but I feared that was coming somewhere down the track.
I cut him loose three times over three months and the final time it stuck. He begged for me back and pledged undying love but I wasn't having it. At his lowest he pulled out the trademark abuser card and implied he was going to kill himself. I told him he'd get over me, just think about my faults as he had listed so many of them. I deleted his number, changed mine, blocked him on fb and tried to move on.
I see him at work at times and it's very difficult. We don't work in the same department but on the same floor. We have to communicate over email at times for work related stuff. When I didn't go back to him he said he didn't want to be friends or have any communication so it's always very cold and professional between us. I've wondered if he has spiralled down to where he was before we met and he got clean... drinking buckets of vodka every day. Since we don't reach out to each other, I don't know anything about his life now.
Finding out he was seeing someone new brings a flood of feelings both bad and good. I feel like since he moved on so quickly it kind of makes a mockery of the things he said to me when we broke up, like that he would always love me. Despite his craziness, and some of the awful things he said and did to me, I did love him. I had always hoped that there was a bit more to him than just being an abuser but now he's gone and checked the last box, finding a new victim straight away. I had always hoped that he would get some help or maybe even one day I might get a sincere apology, but you can't demand respect from those who have none for themselves or anyone else. I feel I can move on easier now, but I also feel like the connection we had was just a dream or delusion, and that makes me sad.
Anyway, I'm sober, that's the main thing. I'm not going to drink over this, and I'm not going to drink over him. He sure isn't worth it.
I found out just as I was leaving work and on my way home I just felt sick and weak to the knees thinking about it all. Then I had that familiar urge... very primal... like "I need a fricken' drink now" and was almost going to head to the nearest bar. Then I thought, drinking over that douche canoe is the worst excuse for drinking I have ever heard, and I will regret this tomorrow. And I went home.
The story about me and my ex is pretty sad. We met at work. We actually got to talking because he told me he was a recovering alcoholic. I was charmed by his disclosure as he hadn't told anyone else at work (or so he said). He was a vodka drinker and after he started doing it around the clock he ended up having to do a detox in a hospital. He told me he was going to AA at that time but I didn't actually believe him come to think of it.
What do you know, we start dating and he relapses... back then of course I was actively drinking, and then, we were drinking together.
My ex was charming, charismatic, intelligent, very good looking... we had an intense connection. Sadly I found out pretty quickly that he has some major psychological problems and could be very emotionally and verbally abusive. Add to that our mutual proclivity for booze and it was a disaster. We fought constantly. I'm not really the submissive type and when he was a douche I always let him have it and things just started to ramp up to crazy levels. He never hurt me physically but I feared that was coming somewhere down the track.
I cut him loose three times over three months and the final time it stuck. He begged for me back and pledged undying love but I wasn't having it. At his lowest he pulled out the trademark abuser card and implied he was going to kill himself. I told him he'd get over me, just think about my faults as he had listed so many of them. I deleted his number, changed mine, blocked him on fb and tried to move on.
I see him at work at times and it's very difficult. We don't work in the same department but on the same floor. We have to communicate over email at times for work related stuff. When I didn't go back to him he said he didn't want to be friends or have any communication so it's always very cold and professional between us. I've wondered if he has spiralled down to where he was before we met and he got clean... drinking buckets of vodka every day. Since we don't reach out to each other, I don't know anything about his life now.
Finding out he was seeing someone new brings a flood of feelings both bad and good. I feel like since he moved on so quickly it kind of makes a mockery of the things he said to me when we broke up, like that he would always love me. Despite his craziness, and some of the awful things he said and did to me, I did love him. I had always hoped that there was a bit more to him than just being an abuser but now he's gone and checked the last box, finding a new victim straight away. I had always hoped that he would get some help or maybe even one day I might get a sincere apology, but you can't demand respect from those who have none for themselves or anyone else. I feel I can move on easier now, but I also feel like the connection we had was just a dream or delusion, and that makes me sad.
Anyway, I'm sober, that's the main thing. I'm not going to drink over this, and I'm not going to drink over him. He sure isn't worth it.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 155
Congratulations on keeping your sobriety. Only you keep you sober. I'm sure the relationship meant just as much to him as to you. Addict behavior lead me to rebound quickly after a serious break up. It works like booze, a new relationship helps mask the pain of being rejected. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
I know it causes some feeling of hurt, but I would have the same feelings about my xah. When the feelings of anger/hurt come rolling in....I just focus elsewhere, remind myself why I left. Look at my beautiful boy and smile.
I didn't want my XAH anyway. That is why he is my X. So I'm not going to get upset about him ever seeing anyone.
Let someone else focus on his alcoholism . It's my turn, I have to focus on me and my son
Keep strong and determined
DO NOT DRINK
It is easier said then done, but that same trap hits me every now and then too!
I didn't want my XAH anyway. That is why he is my X. So I'm not going to get upset about him ever seeing anyone.
Let someone else focus on his alcoholism . It's my turn, I have to focus on me and my son
Keep strong and determined
DO NOT DRINK
It is easier said then done, but that same trap hits me every now and then too!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
It is interesting how we can become entangled in an ex's life. It is sort of this notion of (I'm unhappy so I want to be sure he/she is too...) You're right though, drinking over it won't change a thing. Consider yourself lucky that you're free of an abusive relationship. You will heal in time, but in the meantime try (and I know that's difficult sometimes) but try not to think about him. Usually when we ponder what an ex is doing we're wrong anyway, and the fantasies we cook up make us upset, so why entertain them?
That desire you had to drink is typical for us, especially in early sobriety. We used alcohol for so long to deal with feelings of sadness or discomfort that the brain still goes there when looking for a way out. But you can counter that by staying sober and trying to be grateful for the fact that there is a whole world out there of possibility. Also accepting being single is helpful. This world of ours sometimes makes single people feel "less than," but the truth is being single can be really great, and in fact is recommended in the first year of sobriety (if you aren't already in a relationship/marriage.) This relationship you describe is in the past - leave it there. Sharing a work space is tough but the less you can interact, the better. Hang in there.
That desire you had to drink is typical for us, especially in early sobriety. We used alcohol for so long to deal with feelings of sadness or discomfort that the brain still goes there when looking for a way out. But you can counter that by staying sober and trying to be grateful for the fact that there is a whole world out there of possibility. Also accepting being single is helpful. This world of ours sometimes makes single people feel "less than," but the truth is being single can be really great, and in fact is recommended in the first year of sobriety (if you aren't already in a relationship/marriage.) This relationship you describe is in the past - leave it there. Sharing a work space is tough but the less you can interact, the better. Hang in there.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
Glad I could help ; having been through a nasty divorce myself I kinda learned to enjoy being single by immersion! I am now happily re-married, but I was single for a few years there, and it was a unique and pleasant time once I accepted it and learned to enjoy it. Ironically, the weekend I told my best friend "that's it, I'm tired of trying to meet women!" was the weekend I met my future wife But hey, whatever happens - you stay sober and you'll be alright. That's PLENTY to deal with for now, you know?
But hey, whatever happens - you stay sober and you'll be alright. That's PLENTY to deal with for now, you know?
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