lonelystar

I have not posted in a while but i still come on to read all the posts, i find great inspiration and strength here , its been a few years now that my family has been dealing with the addict in our family which is our AS, its an on and off situation with him but the sad part in all this is even when he is sober he is so lost and we know it will just be a matter of time until he uses again, even sober hes arrogant , wont admit his mistakes , wont take responsibility and the list goes on and on and ive come to realize after these many many years that its so much more than just drugs and until he realizes that not a thing will change , at least thats what i think .

chicory

Lonelystar... I am sorry , I know your pain.

This same sort of thing made me insist on my son getting mentally evaluated,( he lives in my home) and at least now I know why there always seemed to be something , other than the drinking, that caused him to make such poor choices for his self. Getting him to get therapy is another matter, as he is an adult.

Until he is miserable enough, I guess he won't get help. Even though I believe the therapists diagnosis, and even if he would get therapy, he would also need help with his alcoholism. I am not fooling myself that I can get him to want to stop drinking, but I am glad that it now makes sense to me, and the rest of the family, as to why he never managed to thrive, even before he began drinking.
There is always hope, though, so I do wish you and your son the best.

suki44883

Addiction is almost always a symptom of underlying problems. That's why when someone just stops drinking, things aren't just magically better. Recovery is much more than just stopping using. It is doing the hard work of digging down into the unpleasantness of what we are trying to forget/mask/ignore. Real recovery will change a person's life.

Vale

Very few people decide....."Hey, I think I am going
to try some heroin today".
It goes much, much deeper. My own perception is
that these substances remove pain the fast/easy
way.
Pull your life out of freefall and face the CATASTROPHIC
damage these years have done?......(after wd's, of course!)

......or go see Saul up the hall.....

qwer1234

I have an AS who has underlying personality disorder, with or without drugs he's been a challenge since tween years. There is no humility about ANYTHING, no empathy, little ability or desire to attach to anyone or anything except to use it.

He's in rehab now, but the pd is still there and always will be.

qwer

chicory

I wish him recovery, qwer1234. I hope that somehow he sees that he and only he, can make his life better

Twofish

Dear Friends,
We all have our own stories about the ones we love who have been bitten by addiction.
And I truly believe that our children feel the pain and overwhelming consequences that their
addictions have brought to their lives, to our lives.
When the mental illnesses start taking over, even in recovery, I find it so hard to NOT want to help them. My children, not "them", sorry she is a person, that feels pain, the suffocation, that wants and desires some hope and peace in her mind.
To see the adult child, suffer so much and to feel like they are drowning, to watch so helplessly, to feel so helpless...sure she is 20, her sister 23, they are sober but drunk with mental illnesses. It almost feels contagious, the mental illnesses, like it's creeping into my body and my mind, worse than codependency, this "Bad" feeling like something horrific is going to happen...will it happen? What next will happen?
That's just how I feel and I'm sure it might it might not be the right way, to feel helpless and responsible, and that this may trigger a debate, (hope not), but to watch my child and not be able to help their pain, while at the same time, working on my own Codie recovery...? Is this even possible? Can I stop my emotions? Can I stop caring about the child and still feel ok about myself? Some make it, some don't and some are right where I am.
Sorry for the rant and quack and the "all over the place" post.
I wish all parents and friends to hang onto that sweet hope that happiness and stability returns, someday and life will be normal again or at least as normal as possible. Perhaps as
much as God will allow. HE, after all, is the one in control.
TF

Vale

>>>>>Sorry for the rant and quack and the "all over the place" post. <<<<<

=================================================


>>>>EVERYTHING I write is ranting and quacking and all over the place, Twofish!

(nothing special about YOU! ................take a number!)

Your opinions, feelings, and friendship are valued here.
Do not ever forget that. I hope you feel better after giving it
a little time.........

irisgardens

I love everyone of my family members...always did...always will.

What I am having to learn over 20 years since 'mom' and 'sis' told me what they really thought about me...right after Dad died and I had both grieved a child death from SIDS and 'been there for mom and sis for a lifetime'...is that I can't 'do' anything for someone who is incapable of caring back no matter what the reason.

I was honest about my depression (pretty reasonable to get depressed just with the death of a child) but I realized that I cannot love people enough to be loved back...don't know if that makes sense...and as the years have progressed (14 years since Dad died)--and the addiction showed up in 3 of 5 teenage children...and I fought and 'helped' but also worked on my own addictions and started to realize that eating and shopping are also addictions related to another kind of addiction...I have tried to work on me.

TF--I completely understand your feelings...I have been feelings them for the past two years with just some relief on a couple of occasions...my relapse in caretaking (s)? was mighty and resulted in the biggest family rejection from immediate family (except hubby) although everyone knew how the rejection from who I thought were previous BFF's in mom/sis before Dad died (hence my dedication to helping and being there for them)--that ended as soon as he died...there was no need for me anymore...took a long time to get that.

All the adult kids (4 doing ok) turned because I asked them to join me in family support and recovery in determining how to deal with the AD. It was the lowest bottom of my life...and yet, I am alive...I cry some days...I look for a job other days...I had coffee with the older daughter who seems to be finally maturing somewhat and has told me that she hates drinking and left her partner...and I am so glad to see her making her decision...she gave it almost 6 years...but there are lots of addictive behaviors in the world and ultimately made a good decision for herself...for me...I was happy to drive to the coast with her (she likes to drive; I like company and friends although don't have too many) and it was a good moment.

Addiction is a family disease...and I finally had to go no contact with mom/sis--it took 13 years along with the addiction in our own family. I finally just let them go in love and realized that much of the world just cuts off the addiction affected family and that is is...as an ACOA...I also know I came from addiction...but I did the caretaker road rather than the other...so I work on that.

What a baffling disease...I have learned what I can...and when I read here...I learn more...about my own feelings, about my own walk...through yours...and the understanding that we have to practice self care (well...I relapse often enough and am a people pleaser) so am trying to believe in that.

Rambling...so confused...but regardless...there are steps that are right in front of us...and as we look them in the face...we can do those steps...(I procrastinate and resist so much that sometimes I have to put one thing on a piece of paper and not do anything else until I tackle that).

Blessings to all here...I don't know what I would be doing right now if I didn't have this site...and my 3rd f2f naranon meeting last night and I requested a sponsor for the first time in working my program and he said yes...so doing my best...and God needs to show the way...because I no longer want to look backwards or forwards...just take my step today.

Vale

>>>>>> I like company and friends although don't have too many<<<<<

Yeah, you do. What are we? Chopped liver?!?
(We may be cyber but we are not imaginary)

It gets better, irisgardens. We just have to be patient until it does.
Be well, brave friend.

Twofish

Yes Irisgardens,
Many of us, stand with you and care
about you, never forget that, ok?
Like Vale said, it will get better...be patient and have that sweet hope!
Your one of the SR family!! Your stuck with us! Our healing hearts care
about you!! We don't plan on ever giving up...never! We are in it forever!
Very tight hugs and calming prayers coming at you...from a few thousand
of your BFF!
TF

irisgardens

Just saw these messages and feel so much better.

I drove into San Francisco today to try to see my AD--don't know why...just chose to do it. Went to the last place she was known to be and asked for her...a very awful place in the worst part of town (right next to the tourist centered cable car--and although I have always loved SF...I will never see it the same again...as so many walk past so much and have no idea...and I truly wish I had no idea again...but that is gone forever.

She wasn't there at the hotel...asked how long and was told 3-4 days...so I know she is alive and as long as she is alive there is hope...but I know that I can't do anything for her...not now.

I guess I am glad I went...it has been 4 1/2 months since I did the tough love thing and the court supported me...she is furious...and she is an active addict. I am still picking up the pieces of my spirit...and thanks to SR...I am healing slow by slow...but it has never been this bad before.

I also have 3 interviews for jobs tomorrow which scares the heck out of me...as I know that my inability to handle the stress of trying to help her (with tough love) and having very little support from family or friends at the time...and just working like a crazy woman...led to the consequence of losing the job I had...and so I am praying and trying to just turn all over to my HP.

I went to see her because I love her...I was relieved to know she is alive--at least 3-4 days ago...I know that I am unable to do anything further for her...as all attempts have been exhausted and I am powerless. I am relying on my HP (God to me) to be with me in the weak I feel in body, mind and spirit...thank you for being here SR...it is really really hard.

irisgardens

Vale--Duck--sweiously...you make me laugh and that is so good for my soul.

TF...you know how I feel about you and thank you so much...just a few fellow journeyers can make the difference...and you two and a few others here have made a huge difference...and I am so grateful!

I think I am my own worst enemy!

Vale

Dear irisgardens,

When the subject is codependency, we are ALL our own worst enemies.
So, 4 1/2 months since you held your ground.Congratulations. But, as we
both know-----it is no walk in the park (or the Presidio).

I'll share a secret with you. We ALL do the same thing. We are insatiably
curious and information starved, much like those deep in proximate codependency
searching for 'proof', 'verification' or some such pointless things-----in an endless game
of 'gotcha'. Though I was very far away, I had occasion to frequently be proximate to
the scene of this personal, unfinished, off-Broadway production.

Why? Why should I care?
And I totally understand it is 1000 times harder whilst they are still of this world.

It would have been so much easier just to hear on the grapevine----long ago.....
before any of this addiction crap----that she got tee'd at 50 mph at one of the many, many
intersections we ALL go through every day.No pain,just a momentary flash of fright,
then oblivion. Not those years of purgatory that knew neither the joys of life nor
the dignities of death.

San Francisco is the "central" city of my life.Never have I lived within it's true
borders, but, anywhere in the world.....when they ask where you're from, if you
want to bypass a few iterations of "never heard of it"-----you just learn to say the
master city.

I've never visited the tenderloin. I don't want to. I want my SFO to be my city,
perfect and modern.....the place where Vale would take his GF to outlandish tourist
traps trying to get her to take a chance on a duck.......more decades ago than I'd care
to admit.

irisgardens, you must be damned good at something to have 3 interviews in a day!
The coming months will bring more clarity, as time always does. You know beyond any
doubt your SR crew is standing by......standing by your side as you have stood by
ours.

Better yet, let's all (cyber)hijack the codie bus and have at that town like there is
no tomorrow. Pier 39, Golden Gate, take in a Giants game!

But no tenderloin. Not today. We have earned (with our tears).... the right to
self declare our own boundaries and happiness.

See you all in SF. Vale will be that annoying duck riding the cable car wearing
every gauche/garish form of tourist schtick known to man (or duck!)....with cotton
candy smeared all over his bill------enjoying the hell out of this thing called life.

Lily1918

when I first came here some well respected posters would say things like "take the drugs out of it" and "look at the behaviors not the drug test" I was here because AH was using drugs. I didn't understand. I would say that the physical addiction itself is never the problem. Detox takes care of that. I'll be sassy enough to say that codependency is a perfect example of an addiction without drugs.

I hope that your son will improve with time. It really is a terrible way to live.

thequest

I think change is tough for anyone. But for an addict the change from high to sober is tough because they are in uncomfortable territory, not strange territory. Change is literally and figuratively part of the evolutionary process. If you don't adapt, learn, progress or evolve nature is done with you.

That being said if person does not want to change they will be an addict by choice for as long as they want. I see the same behavior in old people especially. They have decades of habits to break or change and they frequently fail. Why because they are old or because change is tough.

I am thoroughly convinced that life is not about successes but how you move on after failures. Addiction is failing after a failure. It's not the substance it the person.

Vale

Though fun, enjoyable, and preferable......success never taught me a damned
thing in life. It is my failures I remember-----and treasure beyond all reason.

I replay them in my head, commemorate them on on calendar.....and thank
God every day for the treasured lessons he placed in my path. The battles to
overcome adversity on our way to triumph are our most dearly treasured
moments.

Success is boring. Being in the heated varsity battles of life......THAT is how
we define BEING ALIVE. Its REAL, its NOW, it's going operational......

So am I 'gonna throw myself back into the arena voluntarily?

No way. Who's kidding who. Nobody does that.

(But I DO miss it!)

You will prevail, irisgardens.

Vale

.....on (the) calendar

YOU think it's so damned easy to type on an ipad with webbed feet?!?!?