tabac210

I hoped, begged, pleaded, prayed for my husband's sobriety for over a decade; so when he hit rock bottom in a big ugly way, I reminded myself that this is what I wanted--OOPS! I guess I forgot to ask the universe to also make it as EASY on me as possible. Lost his job, his nursing license, & now facing possible felony federal charges. I've tried to be as supportive as possible & try to remind him (and myself) we will both come out on the other side better & brighter.

He's JUST DAYS away from 8 months clean & sober; I'm so proud of him! For several months, our relationship was better than ever. recently, he's stopped being as open & honest with me as he was between 2-6 months sober. He's back to not sharing things with me that make him feel guilty about our current financial and/or legal situation....he doesn't want me to know what he is (or isn't) doing with the legal process. Its like he doesn't realize that this affects me, too...I know I am not the one facing prison, but its like he doesn't get AT ALL how this scares the hell out of me.

I try so hard to stay positive & supportive... but the financial worry & worry for the future is piling on....I try not to let it get to anger, but anger feels better than hopelessness sometimes!

I try to talk to him about my feelings & worries before I reach the boiling point. I've tried many different approaches....but they almost always end in him becoming defensive, angry & making statements that almost feel like he is subtly suggesting if I don't shut up, he might relapse.

He's still a procrastinator....he is still passive versus proactive about everything from his legal situation to house maintenance....his memory is still atrocious.....he still makes big promises in anger he can't possibly make happen in real life & then feels more guilty than ever....he still resents my strengths instead of realizing I just want to compliment his weaknesses as his strengths compliment mine. (i.e., all weakness is just weakness)

If I am painfully & perfectly honest, the only thing that has really changed for the positive is that he is clean & sober.

HE IS SOBER....I am trying to repeatedly remind myself of this & let the anger subside....I have to deal with the occasional panic attack or sleepless night because HE IS FINALLY SOBER. We are only 8 months into this after 16 years in the hell of addiction.

I will try harder to balance my expectations...how unfair of me to expect EVERY issue to disappear with the alcohol! I'm smarter than that....I just have to keep reminding ME of that.

Thanks for the space to vent, y'all.

lillamy

Sober doesn't change everything, but if sober doesn't happen, nothing will get better.

I'm on the "other" side of this -- I left my AXH -- and I sort of thought that everything would be better without an A in my life. And it is. By an order of magnitude.

But it didn't fix everything. It didn't fix me -- I'm still working on that. It didn't fix the kids -- still working on that. It didn't fix the family finances -- although spending money on therapy for the kids sure feels better than spending it on booze for the A.

I think I wanted to come out of the marriage and out of recovery and be able to rest. But it's not happening. I sometimes feel like I'm in a horror movie -- every time I exhale, a new monster sticks its head up and I have to pull together and do battle again.

How much of it is residual garbage from an alcoholic marriage and how much is just LIFE, I don't know. I just wanted to tell you that while you're struggling with a lot of consequences from your RAH's alcoholism, you can't be sure you wouldn't be struggling with stuff if you had left either. I understand the anger -- I have a lot of anger regarding the way AXH treated the kids. I do, however, have the luxury of being able to express that without him having to hear it.

Someone here said to me once, "adapt your expectations to match your reality and you will not be disappointed." So I'm passing that on to you. It's easier said than done though, for sure.

One thing I wondered about is if you have any support outside of him? For me, it was very helpful to get to go to my therapist and just vomit about how horrid my life was because of AXH. I didn't have to be concerned about how I sounded, how she would react -- I could just get it OUT. And that was amazingly relieving.

Also, Al-Anon, if you're not already going. That helped me have reasonable expectations -- both of being married to an A and of life afterwards.

atalose

What kind of a program is he working for his sobriety?

Sounds like he may be strugging with sobriety or possible using again.


What kind of program are you working for YOU?

NYCDoglvr

Perhaps it's better to ask yourself if you trust and respect him as he is now. Because to expect more is very unrealistic. I'm a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and can say change does happen but ...... it takes a looong time and it's hard work. The individual must be motivated to change.

Alanon is invaluable. If you want to stay it teaches how to accept the person as they are. If you want to leave, the support is life-saving.

honeypig

tabac, I can relate to much of what you say. My RAH is, so far as I know, a bit over a year sober, attends AA 3 times weekly and has a sponsor. It looks like he's doing what he's "supposed to" do. And sometimes it feels like that, too. However, sometimes it does NOT feel like that. And I struggle w/it, the same as you. On the one hand, I've heard "trust your intuition." On the other hand, Alanon says "feelings aren't facts."

I've been working on myself in Alanon and SR since March of 2013 and a lot has changed for me, too. I have my ups and downs, times when my recovery shows and times when it fades. When I get uncomfortable, uneasy or angry w/my A's actions, I do wonder whether I'm looking to fix something outside myself when what I need is to fix something inside myself. And I don't have a clear answer to that, either.

I am torn between accepting that he is a human w/certain flaws that will always be there and that this is the case w/ANY human, and believing that those behaviors point to either actual drinking relapse or a thinking relapse, which will end up in the same place eventually anyway.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but thanks for starting this thread. I'll be reading it as it progresses to see what others here have to say. I'm sure we'll both find something worthwhile here.

tabac210

Love this! Sums up what I keep reminding myself.....and also trying to be open to the possibility that sober may not be enough change for me if that's the only change that happens...without being negative....does that make any sense at all? Expecting the best but planning for the worst, maybe?