Holding on for dear life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: NYC
Posts: 1
Holding on for dear life.
Like many on here, I'm back to day 1. I can't believe it. It's like being on an insane merry go round always ending up in the same hideous place: insane anxiety, horrific withdrawals, fear and shame in abundance.
After achieving over a year's sobriety more than three years ago, I know how great life can get without the booze. But I keep relapsing and it's definitely getting worse. It almost seems like I was determined to acquire all the traits of the extreme alcoholic - morning drinks, hidden bottles, days spend lots in a fog barely leaving the house.
I have to ask myself what I can do differently this time. I need true change. I am determined to not live like this as each relapse gets worse. Two months ago I ended up in the ER - passed out with a concussion on the street - you'd think that would have made me stop? Hardly. I just can't do this anymore.
After achieving over a year's sobriety more than three years ago, I know how great life can get without the booze. But I keep relapsing and it's definitely getting worse. It almost seems like I was determined to acquire all the traits of the extreme alcoholic - morning drinks, hidden bottles, days spend lots in a fog barely leaving the house.
I have to ask myself what I can do differently this time. I need true change. I am determined to not live like this as each relapse gets worse. Two months ago I ended up in the ER - passed out with a concussion on the street - you'd think that would have made me stop? Hardly. I just can't do this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hello and welcome. One year is great so you do know what awaits you if you stick with it. It looks like you are brand new, so signing up here is something you are already doing differently.
What made you relapse? How can you avoid that next time? Have you tried seeing a therapist?
I also struggled with continued relapses. This time I am using antabuse as a back up weapon to buy me some time while I work on the head stuff with my therapist. The medication is NOT a magic pill so I know I need to do some serious work to assure that I don't end up turning to alcohol ever again.
I would suggest reading around here and picking out things you find useful.
You are new to the site, but not new to recovery, so pardon me if I suggest something you know a lot about, but have you heard of the concept of the Alcoholic Voice? I hadn't heard of it until I signed up here and it has been very useful for me to realize that the part of me that desires the drink and convinces me that "I deserve it" " I can handle it" "one won't hurt" is my alcoholic voice speaking to me and not ME, my voice of reason. If you can recognize that voice when it comes up and know that you do not have to act on those thoughts, they are not you, it may be helpful.
I also learned the concept of "playing the tape through" via this site. In which we think "ah… one drink wouldn't be so bad" but then we fast forward, playing the tape through to what follows- the obsession with finding more alcohol, the getting drunk, the embarrassing ourselves, acting recklessly, putting ourselves or other we care about in danger, waking up hungover, going through withdrawals, the anxiety, guilt, depression…. It's never one drink that is the problem, it is all the stuff that follows. But for people like us, one drink ALWAYS leads to the other stuff therefore we can't, won't have that one drink.
What made you relapse? How can you avoid that next time? Have you tried seeing a therapist?
I also struggled with continued relapses. This time I am using antabuse as a back up weapon to buy me some time while I work on the head stuff with my therapist. The medication is NOT a magic pill so I know I need to do some serious work to assure that I don't end up turning to alcohol ever again.
I would suggest reading around here and picking out things you find useful.
You are new to the site, but not new to recovery, so pardon me if I suggest something you know a lot about, but have you heard of the concept of the Alcoholic Voice? I hadn't heard of it until I signed up here and it has been very useful for me to realize that the part of me that desires the drink and convinces me that "I deserve it" " I can handle it" "one won't hurt" is my alcoholic voice speaking to me and not ME, my voice of reason. If you can recognize that voice when it comes up and know that you do not have to act on those thoughts, they are not you, it may be helpful.
I also learned the concept of "playing the tape through" via this site. In which we think "ah… one drink wouldn't be so bad" but then we fast forward, playing the tape through to what follows- the obsession with finding more alcohol, the getting drunk, the embarrassing ourselves, acting recklessly, putting ourselves or other we care about in danger, waking up hungover, going through withdrawals, the anxiety, guilt, depression…. It's never one drink that is the problem, it is all the stuff that follows. But for people like us, one drink ALWAYS leads to the other stuff therefore we can't, won't have that one drink.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Welcome duanestreet. I pretty much lost everything to my alcoholism when I finally went to rehab 3 years ago. Since then I have relapsed 3 times and each relapse was worse than before. The last time was about 10 months ago when a week long binge ended with a trip to the ER and 30 staples in my scalp. I had woken up on my bathroom floor with my head split open covered in blood.
I think this incident was the first time I was actually scared about my drinking. Sure, I have felt guilt, shame, and been full of regret before, but never scared for my life. This site has helped me a lot. We are in this together!
I think this incident was the first time I was actually scared about my drinking. Sure, I have felt guilt, shame, and been full of regret before, but never scared for my life. This site has helped me a lot. We are in this together!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Hi Duane,
I'm sorry you're struggling.
I think it's going to be really important for you to figure out what you need to do differently this time. I agree with you, each relapse and subsequent withdrawal gets worse, so you must stop for good. What is happening with you before you take that first drink? And, know for sure that you can do this and have your life back.
I'm sorry you're struggling.
I think it's going to be really important for you to figure out what you need to do differently this time. I agree with you, each relapse and subsequent withdrawal gets worse, so you must stop for good. What is happening with you before you take that first drink? And, know for sure that you can do this and have your life back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
hey there Duanestreet, and welcome.
you know that you don't have to keep riding the merry go round. What will you do to avoid it this time?
have you tried AA?
do you have a therapist or access to a counselor?
do you have other alcoholics in recovery in your life?
are you involved in any service to others?
you know that you don't have to keep riding the merry go round. What will you do to avoid it this time?
have you tried AA?
do you have a therapist or access to a counselor?
do you have other alcoholics in recovery in your life?
are you involved in any service to others?
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Glad you are here Duane - This site has been a great support for me.....I find a lot of hope in reading from others here who at one time felt just the way I did & your feeling now, but are now living life free of alcohol. You are not alone in this Duane
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Serious drinking problems need serious answers....
It would appear that hospital visits and other drinking related carnage, both material, physical and emotional.... Are simply not enough to "scare you sober "
If you think you might be the kind of drinker that
"drinks no matter what " and can't seem to apply the
"just don't drink no matter what " philosophy
Then I would recommend finding an AA group of "big book thumpers" and get yourself plugged in.
If scaring myself sober worked for me, hospitals, car crashes, fights, blackouts, police lock ups etc etc
I would have stopped before I was 18 years old.
It would appear that hospital visits and other drinking related carnage, both material, physical and emotional.... Are simply not enough to "scare you sober "
If you think you might be the kind of drinker that
"drinks no matter what " and can't seem to apply the
"just don't drink no matter what " philosophy
Then I would recommend finding an AA group of "big book thumpers" and get yourself plugged in.
If scaring myself sober worked for me, hospitals, car crashes, fights, blackouts, police lock ups etc etc
I would have stopped before I was 18 years old.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 59
I also seem to not learn from my experience. I tried quitting alcohol cold turkey, and I've had horrible withdrawals... 24 hours in, I woke up with night sweats, shaking and night terrors - seeing these absolutely insane and horrific nightmares which made so sense and I would wake up terrified and fall asleep again right away only to have the nightmare continue. Over and over again. Then I woke up and starting hearing things. So the auditory hallucinations began. Hearing the doors open and close when I knew these voices weren't real but they FELT so real. Someone constantly talking to me at home, walking on the street, at a restaurant. I thought I was going absolutely crazy. I finally ended up going to take doctor and I started taking benzos. It was seriously the scariest thing I have ever experienced. But, that did not stop me. After 10 days or so, I was feeling better and started drinking again. This addiction is insane.
However, you already had over a year of sobriety before, so you can definitely do it again, and you already know how much better life is when you are sober. This forum is great, because whenever you feel like drinking again, you can just post here and ask for help. It will make you feel better. I end up reading posts and they distract me from wanting a drink - after a while, the craving goes away. Another thing that I do when I feel like drinking is that I tell myself "not today," and I tell myself if I still feel like drinking, I can always do it tomorrow. And on and on. One day at a time
However, you already had over a year of sobriety before, so you can definitely do it again, and you already know how much better life is when you are sober. This forum is great, because whenever you feel like drinking again, you can just post here and ask for help. It will make you feel better. I end up reading posts and they distract me from wanting a drink - after a while, the craving goes away. Another thing that I do when I feel like drinking is that I tell myself "not today," and I tell myself if I still feel like drinking, I can always do it tomorrow. And on and on. One day at a time
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
ey duanestreet,
First, welcome!
I just wanted to throw out some more support. You've found a great resource here, and I hope to see you often.
It can be a bumpy road to sobriety; hence we sometimes 'fall off the wagon.' However you've arrived here, which is a good step in the right direction. This forum can be a great place, in your efforts to stay the course this time.
You fell off for a bit, and now you're back. That's the important part. There's really no need to look behind you, only forward.
You're certainly not alone in this area by any means.
First, welcome!
I just wanted to throw out some more support. You've found a great resource here, and I hope to see you often.
It can be a bumpy road to sobriety; hence we sometimes 'fall off the wagon.' However you've arrived here, which is a good step in the right direction. This forum can be a great place, in your efforts to stay the course this time.
You fell off for a bit, and now you're back. That's the important part. There's really no need to look behind you, only forward.
I was determined to acquire all the traits of the extreme alcoholic - morning drinks, hidden bottles, days spend lots in a fog barely leaving the house.
You're certainly not alone in this area by any means.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Yes, the merry-go-round is dangerous, kills people or worse (insanity, long slow death). All I ever had to do was not get back on. I rode it til the thrill was totally gone and it made me sick. I waited til it slowed down a bit (tapered) and jumped with the help of AVRT but many just jump off (the scrapes heal). You've done this before Duane. The first coupla weeks are hard but worth it. Give it time, this time around. Change comes with time. RR, SR, AA, NA, SMART etc. help us believe until we can believe in ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
Nothing changes if nothing changes, your routines of life, your daily patterns, new activities, the people you hang out with, a complete change of lifestyle!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Nothing changes if nothing changes, your routines of life, your daily patterns, new activities, the people you hang out with, a complete change of lifestyle!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,575
Welcome duane - it's great to have you join us. Being here with people who understand really helped me get it right this time.
I drank for almost 30 yrs. I knew in my heart I didn't drink like a normal person, but I kept insisting I could if I used enough willpower. Bad things happened because I just couldn't stop myself from experimenting with it. Joining SR and reading other's experiences, I realized I could never be a social drinker - and I finally found the courage to stop for good. You can do this.
I drank for almost 30 yrs. I knew in my heart I didn't drink like a normal person, but I kept insisting I could if I used enough willpower. Bad things happened because I just couldn't stop myself from experimenting with it. Joining SR and reading other's experiences, I realized I could never be a social drinker - and I finally found the courage to stop for good. You can do this.
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