The nature of this disease is...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
The nature of this disease is...
...That I should never underestimate it. I should never imagine that if I have a few months or even years, that somehow I'm 'cured'. In the sense that my now-quite-rare obsession to drink is completely utterly gone, never to return.
Even if I realise I'm not 'cured', even if I've imagined that somehow, through all my efforts [insert preferred-recovery-work], all my hopes and gratitude lists, connecting with my GP, my sponsor, attending meetings [of the kind that help me], reading, reflecting, meditating, being still, breathing to calm my anxiety, just practicing ordinary sober living, etc etc....
that I won't ever pick up that first fatal drink. I used to scoff inwardly at this notion, the first drink gets you drunk, don't pick up the first drink no matter what. I've been in and out of sobriety and drinking over five years, almost to this very day. I've been to rehabs, short and long term, spent countless hours in outpatients' groups and AA meetings - and STILL have to deal with my own thoughts.
Today, my own thoughts - and the physical gaps of hunger, tiredness - became so overwhelming that despite ALL of the above: I drank. I am drinking. I went to a meeting about an hour or so after drinking, but had to come home early to sleep (because alcohol smashes my physical wellbeing immediately now, very very quickly and with few if any happy moments...wonder why ;-))
I would have been sober, and pretty happily sober overall, this time tomorrow for 7 months. For those of you who are not yet one hour or day sober, that's a huge deal; for those of you who are many years sober, you know how tiny yet real it is.
For me, alcohol [ism] is ....I don't know, despite my high level education and years of living....the bane of my life. So, keep on truckin', all you who are actually sober. I doesn't actually MATTER if you feel like crap or you're in a pink haze. Just don't pick up. It is NOT worth it.
Even if I realise I'm not 'cured', even if I've imagined that somehow, through all my efforts [insert preferred-recovery-work], all my hopes and gratitude lists, connecting with my GP, my sponsor, attending meetings [of the kind that help me], reading, reflecting, meditating, being still, breathing to calm my anxiety, just practicing ordinary sober living, etc etc....
that I won't ever pick up that first fatal drink. I used to scoff inwardly at this notion, the first drink gets you drunk, don't pick up the first drink no matter what. I've been in and out of sobriety and drinking over five years, almost to this very day. I've been to rehabs, short and long term, spent countless hours in outpatients' groups and AA meetings - and STILL have to deal with my own thoughts.
Today, my own thoughts - and the physical gaps of hunger, tiredness - became so overwhelming that despite ALL of the above: I drank. I am drinking. I went to a meeting about an hour or so after drinking, but had to come home early to sleep (because alcohol smashes my physical wellbeing immediately now, very very quickly and with few if any happy moments...wonder why ;-))
I would have been sober, and pretty happily sober overall, this time tomorrow for 7 months. For those of you who are not yet one hour or day sober, that's a huge deal; for those of you who are many years sober, you know how tiny yet real it is.
For me, alcohol [ism] is ....I don't know, despite my high level education and years of living....the bane of my life. So, keep on truckin', all you who are actually sober. I doesn't actually MATTER if you feel like crap or you're in a pink haze. Just don't pick up. It is NOT worth it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I'm all for being honest Vic, so I applaud you for starting again...but the fact remains tho that you have 7 months sobriety - minus one day.
Focus on what went wrong for sure, but try and see there must be a whole lot of things you're doing *right*...it's important not to let that be washed away by despair, anger, frustration or self loathing etc.
I don't know what combination of tiredness hunger and your own thoughts led to you picking up that first drink, but you will have a better idea than I do.
are you looking after yourself enough? Maybe that's a good place to start?
D
Focus on what went wrong for sure, but try and see there must be a whole lot of things you're doing *right*...it's important not to let that be washed away by despair, anger, frustration or self loathing etc.
I don't know what combination of tiredness hunger and your own thoughts led to you picking up that first drink, but you will have a better idea than I do.
are you looking after yourself enough? Maybe that's a good place to start?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Bless ya Dee - (boards are busy at the mo, so thanks):
Yeah, I truly thought I'd been doing lots of self-care. That's part of what's so scary. Mind you: the one thing that I consistently HAVEN'T done is...pick up the phone. Should be in capitals. I'm not any good at it. Yet.
Fortunately, I did call my sponsor (mentor) about 45 mins after picking up - mind you, this was after the whole morning and a few days, on and off, of drinking thoughts!?!!! Duh. This was very close to when the usual Sat meeting was about to start, quite nearby to me and her. She was great: she has about 22 years sober, a bit AA central for me but she's also wonderfully pragmatic and calm. Big plus. No dramatics. She followed me outta the meeting when i had to leave early ( too many bogans :-) and I felt too woozy) and just was super cool, supportive, gave me a hug, and told me that someone like me living alone probably needs to get out a bit more to help others. Gulp.
Anyway, thank God/dess/es for SR. Been reading some of the trials of other members too (IM and Raider in particular) just to help myself get a grip.
xx
Yeah, I truly thought I'd been doing lots of self-care. That's part of what's so scary. Mind you: the one thing that I consistently HAVEN'T done is...pick up the phone. Should be in capitals. I'm not any good at it. Yet.
Fortunately, I did call my sponsor (mentor) about 45 mins after picking up - mind you, this was after the whole morning and a few days, on and off, of drinking thoughts!?!!! Duh. This was very close to when the usual Sat meeting was about to start, quite nearby to me and her. She was great: she has about 22 years sober, a bit AA central for me but she's also wonderfully pragmatic and calm. Big plus. No dramatics. She followed me outta the meeting when i had to leave early ( too many bogans :-) and I felt too woozy) and just was super cool, supportive, gave me a hug, and told me that someone like me living alone probably needs to get out a bit more to help others. Gulp.
Anyway, thank God/dess/es for SR. Been reading some of the trials of other members too (IM and Raider in particular) just to help myself get a grip.
xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Sounds like you have a great sponsor Vic.
It's much harder to slip down the back of the metaphorical sofa when you're securely connected to others, I think.
I'm not sure where I'd be now if I hadn't learnt to reach out to others, and for myself...
D
It's much harder to slip down the back of the metaphorical sofa when you're securely connected to others, I think.
I'm not sure where I'd be now if I hadn't learnt to reach out to others, and for myself...
D
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
I'm so sorry you slipped, BeMyself. Here's a huge hug of love for you 
But, as Dee says, you've still got 7 months in the bag and, more importantly, you got straight back up and on it again. You can do this, my friend. In fact, you already are xxx
But, as Dee says, you've still got 7 months in the bag and, more importantly, you got straight back up and on it again. You can do this, my friend. In fact, you already are xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
For any really new newcomers: I should have written it better. I said something about being in and out of sobriety and drinking over five years: what that means in reality is that's just my attempts at getting and STAYING sober over five years. I actually had my first taste of booze as a very young kid (from my father's beer); numerous bouts of blackout drinking during teenage years; a few years of no drinking but hippie lifestyle hooch instead; then not much of either until my mid-thirties. Big life dramas that I couldn't cope with, one after the other after the other in various anni horribili.
So, mid-thirties onwards to now, in the classic escalation - or downward spiral if you prefer. Now? Barely a year and a smidge off sixty.
If you're still young - even if you think you're old at 30 or so - do try to kick it. There's so much here (SR) and in 'real life' if you want to have a go. Please do. You don't need to get like me or others you know of in your life. Things can and do get much much better.
So, mid-thirties onwards to now, in the classic escalation - or downward spiral if you prefer. Now? Barely a year and a smidge off sixty.
If you're still young - even if you think you're old at 30 or so - do try to kick it. There's so much here (SR) and in 'real life' if you want to have a go. Please do. You don't need to get like me or others you know of in your life. Things can and do get much much better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Thanks HL - sigh, I always sigh at your English garden pic, it's wonderfully soothing and so ordered! I'm kinda English at heart too (by ancestry and soul).
Ed's note: please ignore most of what I say apart from the key inner threads. When I drink, I'm prone to being MUCH more open and wordy. If SR holds algorithms on us, mine would spike mostly in my dastardly relapses and then I go much quieter online - because I have to see people f2f in recovery. And even that's hard, given I've re-discovered my inner introvert in late life. :-)
Ed's note: please ignore most of what I say apart from the key inner threads. When I drink, I'm prone to being MUCH more open and wordy. If SR holds algorithms on us, mine would spike mostly in my dastardly relapses and then I go much quieter online - because I have to see people f2f in recovery. And even that's hard, given I've re-discovered my inner introvert in late life. :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Hey Hawks, thanks chook - but I think the Deal meeting is for blokes, que? I'm a lady (well, y'know, one o' them what knows her Led Zeppelin and what the upper floors of Myer mean - even though I'm Sydney born n bred. Very versatile, us drunks!)
What's the ref from in your signature...the ...'two rivers run deep...'? Rings a song bell.
What's the ref from in your signature...the ...'two rivers run deep...'? Rings a song bell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
And yeah, Dee - opening up is a double edged sword for me. And for many of us, I fear. Depends on where we are, who we're with, and what state we're in. If I 'open up' too much, f2f, or online, I get into all manner of trouble with people. A bit blunt, me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
PS Hawks, thanks again. 'But' (........) I've taken the Steps with my sponsor. Rather like Buddhist practice (which I'm into) or any other spiritual practice - or CBT or whatever, I am a human being. I eff up sometimes. Big-time. And then (as per D's wise caution above), it's really easy for us alkies especially to wind ourselves (myself) up into what Buddhists would call suffering. That is, piling guilt and blame on our selves for feeling unworthy, for having effed up.
I can do that -quite easily - quite sober. And of course, when / if I pick up again: boom!
And yeah, the 'action' of doing stuff for others is v important. But / yet: as I said to my sponsor earlier today - somehow I'm just not ready apart from taking people to / from meetings and so forth, but only on a very spontaneous basis. I'm now hopeless at 'doing' for others on a daily basis, after an adult lifetime of always doing that. Add to that, being super involved back in the late 70's, 80s and early 90s with social justice stuff. Heard of compassion fatigue? I have it. Even though I have enormous compassion for other alkies, as well as all those who are struggling in this awful world of 2014.
I can do that -quite easily - quite sober. And of course, when / if I pick up again: boom!
And yeah, the 'action' of doing stuff for others is v important. But / yet: as I said to my sponsor earlier today - somehow I'm just not ready apart from taking people to / from meetings and so forth, but only on a very spontaneous basis. I'm now hopeless at 'doing' for others on a daily basis, after an adult lifetime of always doing that. Add to that, being super involved back in the late 70's, 80s and early 90s with social justice stuff. Heard of compassion fatigue? I have it. Even though I have enormous compassion for other alkies, as well as all those who are struggling in this awful world of 2014.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I certainly understand compassion fatigue.
It shouldn't stop you from reaching out for your own sake tho.
It's not melodramatic to say isolation kills.
And, even given your compassion fatigue, it's also not melodramatic to say that being connected with other people got me out of my own head...which back then was a very dangerous place to be.
I'm not saying you need to go to Africa and work with Ebola patients, Vic.
I'm not even saying you need to go join Meals On Wheels.
Even just posting here on a regular basis could help keep you connected.
You don't have to give your life over to service.
You don't even have to offer solutions for others - sometimes all it takes is a little listening and some empathy...I know you still have loads of that
Maintain a healthy balance - in everything....but keep reaching out.
It's a win win - for us, and for you too
D
It shouldn't stop you from reaching out for your own sake tho.
It's not melodramatic to say isolation kills.
And, even given your compassion fatigue, it's also not melodramatic to say that being connected with other people got me out of my own head...which back then was a very dangerous place to be.
I'm not saying you need to go to Africa and work with Ebola patients, Vic.
I'm not even saying you need to go join Meals On Wheels.
Even just posting here on a regular basis could help keep you connected.
You don't have to give your life over to service.
You don't even have to offer solutions for others - sometimes all it takes is a little listening and some empathy...I know you still have loads of that
Maintain a healthy balance - in everything....but keep reaching out.
It's a win win - for us, and for you too
D
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Yep, The Deal is a men's group.
There is a ladies version I'm pretty sure. Same venue 611 High St... Different nights.
The lyric is from Indian Summer Sky by U2. Off the album Unforgettable Fire.
Take care
There is a ladies version I'm pretty sure. Same venue 611 High St... Different nights.
The lyric is from Indian Summer Sky by U2. Off the album Unforgettable Fire.
Take care
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i liked the comment from the one who said as your on your own, you should get out more and help others
that is exactly what was drummed into me after about 2 years sober, that i should be out there trying to help other people
but what about ME i protested !!!!!
people smiled at me and said start to help others and the what about me problem will cure itself ; )
i got into service work with aa, from group level to intergroup level and went on to do probation liaison and prison liaison jobs
i was running an aa meeting inside the prisons and boy was that a tonic for me, to see people turn up in prison from a drinking session that has gone horribley wrong just like i once did in my own drinking
suddenly i found i was able to help them and give them hope for when they come out of prison there is a way out via aa door steps
suddenly i noticed i had changed from always on about my own problems to seeing my own problems as being very small and not even worth my head to worry about considering others who i was trying to help
so it works and its always on going and the best part is being around new comers and people not long off the drink keeps it all fresh in my own mind
today i let others do my drinking for me and i am able to see the mess that happens to others and i know just how grateful i am that its not me anymore
the hardest part of it all was getting started in helping others as my head would tell me not to, or make me think i didnt know how to help others
the trick is to just be there and give others your time, thats all thats needed, there are no lectures to give out or smart wisdom sayings to pass on, all there is to give is a hand of friendship and belive me when people are stuck in a low level rut there grateful for any bit of comfort that can be given
i know i was when i was down in the gutter and i am always grateful to those aa members who helped me with there kindness
so for me it sums up living life sober and good and honest in a nut shell or spiritual living, it will not happen if i am to bust sitting on my backside doing nothing but talking, action is what is needed and daily action not just action for a week or 2 it has to be a part of daily living for me
today i am off to a wedding, a guy who i met doing the prison service work was was in prison and came along to the aa meeting is getting married today he is 5 years sober and has grown so much, he has a job and is really living life as good as he can today without drink
he is so grateful to me for my efforts with him and even when he got out of prison he ended up drinking again but i had him around at my home and poured coffee down his neck all night long he remembers this sort of thing as its what i do to help others
of course i am only passing on what was given to me i dont lecture people on the steps and then leave them to it i just get on with helping the next one who needs a bit of a friend in life
not bad for someone who was once as selfish and self centred as anyone in the world but its taken me years to keep on doing it until it just becomes my first reaction
so please take that advice on board the more you give of yourself the more you will get back
end of lecture from this grateful drunk : )
that is exactly what was drummed into me after about 2 years sober, that i should be out there trying to help other people
but what about ME i protested !!!!!
people smiled at me and said start to help others and the what about me problem will cure itself ; )
i got into service work with aa, from group level to intergroup level and went on to do probation liaison and prison liaison jobs
i was running an aa meeting inside the prisons and boy was that a tonic for me, to see people turn up in prison from a drinking session that has gone horribley wrong just like i once did in my own drinking
suddenly i found i was able to help them and give them hope for when they come out of prison there is a way out via aa door steps
suddenly i noticed i had changed from always on about my own problems to seeing my own problems as being very small and not even worth my head to worry about considering others who i was trying to help
so it works and its always on going and the best part is being around new comers and people not long off the drink keeps it all fresh in my own mind
today i let others do my drinking for me and i am able to see the mess that happens to others and i know just how grateful i am that its not me anymore
the hardest part of it all was getting started in helping others as my head would tell me not to, or make me think i didnt know how to help others
the trick is to just be there and give others your time, thats all thats needed, there are no lectures to give out or smart wisdom sayings to pass on, all there is to give is a hand of friendship and belive me when people are stuck in a low level rut there grateful for any bit of comfort that can be given
i know i was when i was down in the gutter and i am always grateful to those aa members who helped me with there kindness
so for me it sums up living life sober and good and honest in a nut shell or spiritual living, it will not happen if i am to bust sitting on my backside doing nothing but talking, action is what is needed and daily action not just action for a week or 2 it has to be a part of daily living for me
today i am off to a wedding, a guy who i met doing the prison service work was was in prison and came along to the aa meeting is getting married today he is 5 years sober and has grown so much, he has a job and is really living life as good as he can today without drink
he is so grateful to me for my efforts with him and even when he got out of prison he ended up drinking again but i had him around at my home and poured coffee down his neck all night long he remembers this sort of thing as its what i do to help others
of course i am only passing on what was given to me i dont lecture people on the steps and then leave them to it i just get on with helping the next one who needs a bit of a friend in life
not bad for someone who was once as selfish and self centred as anyone in the world but its taken me years to keep on doing it until it just becomes my first reaction
so please take that advice on board the more you give of yourself the more you will get back
end of lecture from this grateful drunk : )
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Heya Be ,
Drinking always gave me the same old same old , bored myself to tears !
So you had 12/24/48 hrs away … whatever , now is the time to get back to it , tip the booze out ..
I always hear from you someone willing to fight for others , time to fight for yourself .. Churchill said all i have to offer is blood, sweat and tears … Sometimes it's like that , i don't deny … but it's worthwhile and i know, you know it .
Rootin' for ya
m
Drinking always gave me the same old same old , bored myself to tears !
So you had 12/24/48 hrs away … whatever , now is the time to get back to it , tip the booze out ..
I always hear from you someone willing to fight for others , time to fight for yourself .. Churchill said all i have to offer is blood, sweat and tears … Sometimes it's like that , i don't deny … but it's worthwhile and i know, you know it .
Rootin' for ya
m
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi (((Victoria)))
Sad to see this thread, of course. I'm also hoping you do continue to reach out, you know? Plenty of good people already hoping as much in this thread.
Its always worth quitting drinking. I know its difficult and all, nonetheless. Courage, my friend.
Sad to see this thread, of course. I'm also hoping you do continue to reach out, you know? Plenty of good people already hoping as much in this thread.
Its always worth quitting drinking. I know its difficult and all, nonetheless. Courage, my friend.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
