FireSprite

DD has achieved straight-A reporting in every subject, every year since KDG. In 1st grade she found out she gets a trophy/recognition if she maintained the solid A's for all years of elementary school & set her sights on that goal.

And now, the 1st quarter of 5th grade... her first B. She missed her "A" by 2 stinking, measly points in her average.

We saw this coming (I get regular updates on her grades via email from her school) & she's worked her tail off & brought it up but still missed by those 2 pts. in the final hour. At first she was bummed, but got over it. Said she knows she worked her hardest, is really much more challenged this year so it isn't a surprise, has more activities that she's added to her load & knows she's spread a little thinner than before as well. There have also been wicked debates among the parents & teachers over the district's policy this year for weighting their school vs. district/state testing into their final averages.

She's fully Accepted it, but *I* can't seem to let it go.

I'm the one that keeps bringing it up, asking if she's ok, asking if she thinks her teacher will consider extra credit assignments, etc. And for what? a stupid trophy that means NOTHING in the end, recognition from others that doesn't matter nearly as much as the pride I have from having watched her challenge herself & grow. For all I know she could fall apart fully over the next few months & this "B" will be the least of her academic woes. Nevermind that in the Big Picture of her Life this is like a grain of sand on the beach.

After I dropped her off this morning I was giving myself a stern talking to in the car about letting it go; once she was fully accepting of it my anxiety seemed more obvious to me. Until then, I'd been able to focus on "helping" her "feel better" about it. (ha! Codie Lies - Codie Deflection!)

And then I heard myself say (to myself) "YOU aren't the one getting the B!" & "Less than an A doesn't equal Failure!"

Stop. Rewind. Yep. This rising anxiety is exactly identical to my childhood stress around my school performance as the child of an alcoholic. Less than exceptional somehow wasn't acceptable to me even though I never saw that in myself at the time.

So I spent the rest of my morning commute self-pep-talking: "B's are good. It isn't A's OR failure... it's A, B, C.... I'm not less of a person for falling short on my goals when I know I tried my hardest..... B's are good.... B's are fine.... B's are A-O-freaking-K, Fire."

Yep, this ACoA crap can be subtle & just when you let your guard down..... WHAM!

lillamy

So let me ask you this: WHY are you upset over this?

I'm asking because... one of my kids is failing all over the place. And I've pushed the schools; I've worked with her on confidence (that's her big issue), but at the end of the day, you know what I realized?

I was upset over her failing grades not because I knew she could do better and not because I was concerned about her future... but because I felt like I had failed as a parent.

I felt like it was my fault. Like maybe if I had spent all my time with her working on homework and if I had just done x, y, and z, then we wouldn't be in this situation.

It was somewhere around there that I recognized my codependent BS surfacing again. Because it was the same stinking thinking I had about AXH's drinking. If only I found the magic word, he would quit. If only I found the magic word, DD would excel.

I don't know if that applies to your situation, but I wanted to share it...

islandgrrl

Fantastic self awareness!

ladyscribbler

This rising anxiety is exactly identical to my childhood stress around my school performance as the child of an alcoholic. Less than exceptional somehow wasn't acceptable to me even though I never saw that in myself at the time.

Oh yeah. I've had to talk myself off this ledge more than once. My dad (like many As) had insanely high standards for performance and behavior in other people, while he routinely engaged in the lowest common denominator of both (drinking and driving, verbal and physical abuse, drinking at work, etc.). I have done a LOT of letting go this past year with DS13's school performance causing ME anxiety. He is repeating the 7th grade this year and it has been a real eye opener for me on my ACoA issues.

suncatcher

Firesprite, as a mom I understand where you are coming from. I can be codie with my kids at times too...wanting to save them from any heartaches etc. They get annoyed with me sometimes because I want to help when they have a problem. My youngest is very independent and always says "Mom! I'm fine!!" So I just say OK I'm here if you need me and let it be. But it is a challenge sometimes!

FireSprite

That's the weird part Lillamy - I feel like a Rock Star as a Parent because she sat there feeling SO comfortable about this, that she accepts herself so much, that she sees herself as more than just this part of herself.....and because I'm so happy that she's hearing me when I talk. She's literally spitting my own recovery-speak back in my face at times. I have taught her that as long as she is doing her absolute best & giving 100% then I will never care what the result is, because all ANY of us can do is or best on any given day. She IS walking the talk.

But the Inner Child part of ME, deep inside, feels like a monumental failure!!

DD was even questioning me this morning (which is probably what prompted the deeper thought on my part, if I'm being honest). She basically said, "Mom, I don't care about this... so why do YOU?" She's right - my actions are not lining up with my words.

I'm thinking it may be that for me, as a child, I didn't feel that I had any other special talent - grades/smarts was my thing. I have to have some kind of expectation in the back of my mind about this that was simply never triggered before because it's just never come up.

In a thousand other ways I have stood to the side let her fall so that she can learn the process of picking herself back up. I've even argued with her teachers to let her deal with the natural consequences the few times she's had non-grade-related issues..... to NOT make special allowances for her just because she's a good kid. But now that it's about grades? Pfffft!

AnvilheadII

so you take that wonderful girl of yours out and you CELEBRATE that B with pizza. and tell her she gets a pony if she gets a C next semester. and you let her know that the GRADES she gets in school are not HER, that she is perfectly acceptable as she is. and that choosing to excel is a fine worthy goal, but we are all more than the sum of our accomplishments and trophies.

i can hear my mother's voice inside my 55 year old brain right now...Theresa Renee, you could do so much better, you could get all A's if you would only apply yourself. not only did i HEAR not good enough that is exactly she meant.

lillamy

And you SHOULD!!! That's what I thought -- you have done something really, really right with this kid for her to have that attitude!!!

FireSprite

LOL Anvil - pizza, no doubt. I think I'll hold off on the Pony offer though - maybe start our smaller with something like the movies/dinner/Fro Yo.

NWGRITS

I worry way too much about all the ways I'm going to ruin my kids because of my past. Boy do I ever. DS9 is brilliant but doesn't have a lick of common sense. He's also a bit cocky ("You just do your best. Nobody is great at everything. What are you not that good at?" "Nothing. I'm great at everything." And there's the exhole on display right here. The kid isn't great at a lot of stuff, but I guess I'd better be thankful that he has a slightly bloated self-image instead of a highly negative one.). But my problem is that I find myself shutting him down sometimes or talking down to him when those common sense moments happen and he just isn't thinking. I need to stop it. That's where I am in therapy right now.

DD6 is autistic, actually an Aspie like me. I relate to her better because I was just like her as a kid. Instead of trying to curb her natural habits, I'm nurturing them and helping her establish boundaries. Hopefully she'll function slightly better socially than I did/do. It'll save her a lot of heartache when she's older.

DD23-months-going-on-16 will probably be the only one I'm not constantly questioning myself with. I've had two before her (plus my two steps that are only with us part-time) to practice on. *sigh* I knew this parenting gig wouldn't be easy, but I think it's really so much more complicated when you have a background like ours. But we haven't forgotten to feed them or let them sniff Comet, so we're doing SOMETHING right. Right?

**DD1 has licked Cascade off the dishwasher door. It's not Comet, though, so it's not that bad.

Fandy

fs, let this go as your daughter has...fwiw, i have students that i grade in their 3rd and 4th final grades of medical school, often i see much arguement, struggle, extreme upset, sense of entitlement when they don't achieve Honors status...
in the grand scheme of things, i tell them it won't matter that much when they are balanced, well rounded and working hard.
too much emphasis on a number and points. Your daughter has outside activities, friends and sounds happy. Reward her for this, she is great kid!