KCrazy

My XABF always cut down my character, never my looks, but ALWAYS my character... And now that he's gone, I STILL feel incredibly inferior to most women I come in contact with... I'm uncomfortable around pretty, successful, intelligent, funny, women... as if my XABF is standing behind me, looking over my shoulder, checking her out, getting to know her, comparing... Does anyone understand? Have similar feelings? I absolutely HATE this about myself and fear I will ALWAYS feel this way! Please HELP!

lillamy

You will not always feel this way.

That's true about pretty much any feeling, I think. Your feelings change all the time. My ex broke me down, too -- to the point where when I left him, I was at an unhealthy skinny weight and still believed him when he said I was fat.

Therapy has helped me a lot with getting his voice out of my head. Because that's what it was about for me. And the other thing that has helped is faking it till I make it. In the beginning, I would still hear his voice every time I looked in the mirror -- but I still put on makeup, did my hair, put on nice clothes, and held my head high.

Also -- the old saying "don't compare your insides to other people's outsides" applies here. I am willing to bet you that if you could get inside the heads of those women you describe as pretty, successful, intelligent, and funny, you'd find that they, too have insecurities. They may be dating an addict who tells them the same thing your XABF told you. They may be standing there looking at you thinking "Gawd, I wish I looked like her; I bet everyone in here is just staring in disgust at my gigantic nose" or something like that.

suncatcher

It seems to be a common theme with alcoholics criticizing and putting us down. I guess they feel so low about themselves that it makes them feel better by tearing us down? As a result our self esteem plummets until we say enough of this! I'm OK just the way I am and don't need an A to validate me! Keep telling yourself that and it will sink in and his voice you hear will start to fade until then tell that voice to flake off!

airwick

My X broke me down too. I'm sure it was not down purposely, but it was done.

I got out, it's a decision that you yourself have to make. How much will you take, what are the options? It's up to you

FireSprite

You definitely will not always feel this way unless you want to.

^^Yeah!

And THEN you get to the point when you just think, "Isn't it great that BOTH of us women standing here are pretty, successful, intelligent & funny? Aren't WE great?"

maia1234

My self esteem back in January was so low I could do nothing. I felt I wasn't' even worthy of an "iphone", because I felt I was a nothing. WOW

This is what A's do. They make you feel worthless and them awesome. We all "worship" the ground that the A's walk on. Everyone loves the "A". This is how they control the relationship and you don't leave. You feel you are not strong enough to walk away because you need them to survive.

I put up with his for a very long time. (34 years) I finally got my voice back attending a lot of alanon meetings and realizing that I was loveable, and a very good person. Once I realized that , I empowered myself to take a stand that what he has done to me and my kids was wrong. So needless to say 10 months later I am getting a divorce and sold my home. I am very sad about it but everyday I see the abuse he did to me and that I really didnt' have a good relationship.

Kboys

It's a horrible feeling.... I know it's one I've struggled with even before AH. I have always struggled with my weight, and have felt inferior to thinner women. In the last 5 years- since being with AH, due mostly to stress, I believe, I have lost 45 pounds.... And then AH cheated on me with a woman much more overweight than I ever was. WTF? so it's not my weight, it must be that I'm not fun enough, or maybe I'm TOO skinny now, maybe I should gain weight again so my boobs get bigger again... blah blah blah.

I know that you are perfect just as you are KCrazy

KCrazy

maia - YES! This IS what they do! WOW! Thank you for voicing that! And kboys - I can TOTALLY relate! Mine made a similar "choice" and I still struggle to accept it, almost 2 years later... It's SO hard! Thanks to everyone who responded... I don't WANT to feel like this, it is such a waste of time and energy... I guess I just need more TIME!

maia1234

Yes, all you need is time. Don't force a solution because it doesn't always turn out the way you want. Sit back educate yourself and things will fall into place.

God has a plan for each of us, we don't know what it is, but he knows more then I do, so I give it all to him.

Good luck and you are an awesome, amazing, beautiful person inside and out!!

Christopher1

Think our self-esteem takes a battering also because an A who is not seeking recovery(even when "dry") seems to consider your needs to be way down the list-thats been my experience anyway-I ended up acting as if I didn't have any because it was "easier" that way.I thought being a doormat for someone was normal and lost all respect for myself.Think ,like everything,it just takes time to realise you aren't the way your relationship has made you feel ,and in time,you will rediscover yourself.